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Race (2007)
Unnacceptable Viewing
I put a spoiler tag, but there really isn't much to spoil.
This film is labeled on Netflix as a PG 'Children and Family' movie. Please for the love of god do not show this film to children. I wouldn't subject the entirety of this film to anyone, and I'm a man who forces friends and family to watch 'Mac & Me' annually.
There is frequent pointless profanity throughout the film, which was unexpected and jarring considering the sophomoric quality of the writing which lulls you into thinking the film was intended for idiot children. The truth is the film is apparently intended for idiot adults. Unless you want your kids hearing the protagonist shout a word that sounds like 'shift' over and over again, you'll probably want to mute the television.
Unfortunately muting the TV wont protect your tykes from a scene where a guy flips off an alien and subsequently has his middle finger ripped off and fed to a creature that really enjoys human flesh. (There's a whole pointless scene where these creatures discuss how much they want to eat human flesh, while messily eating slabs of bloody raw meat.) Or a humanoid alien having it's neck sliced open and then subsequently shot to death by a stupid-looking mustache villain.
If you think that these things sound awesome, then I have bad news for you too. The animation is intensely terrible. So intensely terrible I thought I was watching another badly localized foreign film. To my shock and dismay I was wrong. The fact that the directors of this garbage have been working in the animation industry for so long makes it that much worse.
oh also there's a really interesting subplot about how the protagonist really likes females of any species, just not the one he works with. She even dresses up like a slut for him, but he leaves the bar/nightclub with an alien chick because shes more slutty-looking. But don't worry, he inexplicably makes out with her after winning the race in the end.
Showing this to your kids is an example of bad parenting.
EDIT: ooh heres a fun game; Look at all those one-paragraph positive review about how much people's "boys" loved this film! now look at the dates those reviews were posted. HMM!
also netflix apparently changed the rating some time after this review, they should have issued some kind of apology for carrying the film at all though.
Espíritu del bosque (2008)
A delightful family adventure to watch again and again!
Instead of writing a detailed review, I'm going to just describe the climactic battle and you can decide if you want your kids watching this. Note that the only reason this isn't entirely nightmare fuel is because the animation isn't good enough.
The blue gopher creatures decide that they are going to not leave the forest but instead "stand up to the man" (all quotes are actual quotes) so when the generic evil-lady shows up in a skintight black leather outfit wielding a chainsaw, the entire cast of forest creatures literally stands in front of her. She retaliates by attempting to slice the weakest looking gopher in half. (she misses, obviously) the second part of the climax involves all the cats jumping on the woman and biting and clawing her. The leader cat (who happens to have the most deformed looking face) Stabs his claws into her back (a loud 'thunk' is heard), but the result of this is only a scream and no apparent wounds. She grabs the leader cat and there is about half a minute of her slowly moving the chainsaw up to his neck. (the chainsaw actually does go into his neck, but that was an animation error I guess because something distracts her in the 'nick of time') The next notable scene involves two rats running up the woman's body and forcibly holding her mouth open AS THOUSANDS OF FLIES RUSH DOWN HER THROAT AND BEGIN WREAKING HAVOC ON HER INSIDES. Previously, the movie went through great lengths to illustrate exactly what hole leads to the intestines, and this is exactly where the vast majority of the flies go (never to be seen again). The remaining ones are shown slamming against the walls of the woman's stomach with enough force to cause her to violently writhe in pain.
As she spits out a few flies, the gophers launch a satchel at her. It is unclear why two main gophers had to be riding the satchel, but they did. They jumped off just in time for the woman to slice it in half with her chainsaw, thereby dumping it's contents all over her. The satchel was full of poop. The rat laughs and says something about it but the only comprehensible word in this line is "poop" The woman throws her still-running chainsaw into the air for no definite reason. it drops directly on her and the forest animals cringe. the next shot is of the chainsaw stuck in the ground and strange red stuff falling from where the woman's head should be (her neck is above the frame. It turns out this was only her hair and she is now exhausted, bald, and covered in animal feces. The two flies that are characters fly out of her mouth (alone. the 900 other flies never escape her bowels) and say in unison "leave the forest alone!" This is a movie that's more fun to describe than actually watch. What really kills this film for me is the music. It is so badly scored it makes almost every scene more uncomfortable than it has any right to be. I would probably force my friends to watch this if I could somehow get rid of the music.