dpogue21 Reviews

Pathfinder (2007)

Vikings and Indians just got less cool

[1/10 · 7 August 2007]

Here we have a movie about a white guy who is raised by Indians and ends up choosing them over his own people. Sound familiar? It should, because it's the basically the same plot device used in The Last Samurai (with Japanese people instead of Indians), Tarzan (with jungle animals instead of Indians), The Last of the Mohicans (with Indians this time), and countless other movies, except that most of those movies managed not to suck. Speaking of which, who remembers the scene in The Last of the Mohicans where the guy who acts like a jerk the whole time because he's hopelessly in love with the lead female character sacrificed himself so that the other good guys could get away, and was then shot to death by his friends who wanted to put him out of his misery because the bad guys were burning him alive? Well the EXACT same thing happens in this movie. The only difference is that it's Vikings that are burning the guy alive instead of a rival tribe of Indians. Now you may be thinking, "maybe they never saw The Last of the Mohicans, and it's just a coincidence." Not so...and how do I know this? Because the actor that plays the old/wise Indian in this movie is THE SAME F***ING GUY FROM THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS. You'd think he would have told the producers, "Hey, I made this exact same movie in 1992 where I played this exact same role and we did this exact same scene, except that when we did it that time it didn't have Vikings in it and we did it in a way that didn't suck." Or actually, maybe he's the reason that scene is in this movie. Maybe he told the producers, "Hey guys, we should totally have a scene where the guy who acts like a jerk the whole movie because he is in love with the lead female character nobly sacrifices himself for the good of everybody else and then gets burned alive, but then his friends shoot him as they are fleeing so that he won't have to suffer any longer. Trust me, we have to have that scene or this movie will be terrible. I'm not doing this movie if we don't have that scene."

Basically, this movie is such a rip off of other epic action movies that it's not even funny. It's kind of like watching a lame child limp along and try to play with the other kids...he's trying to do what everyone else is doing, but somehow it's just not working for him. It's actually kind of hard to pinpoint why this movie doesn't really work. If you break it down to its essential ingredients, it actually sounds pretty cool:

• Vikings and Indians fighting each other – check

• Gratuitous sex scene with hot Indian girl – check

• Little kids getting their heads bashed in with axes and maces – check

And yet for some reason, this movie totally sucks. What's worse is that it doesn't even suck of its own accord; it copies other movies and then sucks at it. But if you like scenes where a guy who acted like a jerk the whole movie because he's in love with the lead female character redeems himself by sacrificing himself and getting burned alive until his friends shoot him to put him out of his misery, then this is the shameless rip off you've been waiting for.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

If you don't like this movie, I hate you.

[10/10 · 23 August 2006]

This movie is so good you could crap your pants in the middle of it and not even care. In fact, the phrase "seeing a movie" doesn't even begin to describe the experience. You're not "seeing a movie," you're getting shot point blank in the face with pure entertainment. There should be a Surgeon General's warning that if you see this movie while pregnant, your child will come straight out of the womb and kick somebody's ass. I could tell from the opening credits that I was in for something special, but as soon as I saw a snake bite a woman on her exposed nipple, I knew that seeing this movie was the best decision I had ever made in my entire life. They might as well not even have the Oscars this year, because no sane mind could imagine any movie beating out this one in any category. Best Comedy? Snakes on a Plane. Best Drama? Snakes on a Plane. Best Action Movie? Snakes on a Plane. Best Thing That's Ever Happened in the History of Planet Earth? Snakes on a Plane. If you're a producer or director of another movie that came out this year, let me be the first to say I'm sorry you wasted your time.

In all seriousness though, Snakes on a Plane will more than likely never win anything or even be mentioned on any awards show (with the possible exception of the MTV Movie Awards). But for all of the people out there rolling their eyes and muttering to themselves that this movie is baseless trash, just give me a second to explain to you why you are stupid. This movie was never intended to impress anybody. It wasn't created to earn the all-holy praises of the infinitely wise movie snobs that give out Academy Awards. It's not about the evolution of a budding relationship between two former strangers lost in the sea of life. It's not about influencing people through couched political undertones or insightful symbolism relating to man's role in the universe. It's about motherf**kin' snakes on a motherf**kin' plane. That's it. Yes, the plot is completely absurd. Yes, the dialogue is cornier than Orville Redenbacher. And yes, there is excessive gore and gratuitous nudity. But if you suspend your pre-conceived notions of good taste for an hour and forty minutes or so, you might realize that this movie is exactly what it set out to be, and it can be quite entertaining if you let it.

In summary, if you want to watch some pseudo-intellectual drivel that you can talk about at your next beatnik cocktail party, there is plenty of snooty self-important crap out there for you. But if you're NOT a total douchebag, and you're someone that just wants to have an entertaining experience at the movies without impressing everyone around you with your vastly superior intellect, then you should definitely give this film a chance.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

At least it's better than Superman Returns

[3/10 · 9 July 2006]

Jack Sparrow owes Davy Jones his soul, and the producers of this movie owe me six dollars. The only thing that kept me from screaming words of vitriolic hate after this movie is that I am not capable of screaming because I recently saw Superman Returns and I am still trying not to throw up. In fact that is the only reason why I gave this movie 3 stars, because I wanted to emphasize that as much as this movie totally sucks, it's still at least two stars above Bryan Singer's shameless depiction of Jesus Christ Superman.

Basically, this movie amounts to five minutes worth of relevant plot that was dragged out into a two and a half hour film. A more accurate title for this movie would have been "Pirates of the Caribbean: Setup for the Next Movie," because really that's all it was. The action scenes were a almost annoyingly over-the-top and drawn out, and some of it (i.e. the fight scene on the giant wheel from the mill) reminded me of watching a bad Jackie Chan movie. And while some people are undoubtedly going to say that Davy Jones and his barnacle people looked really neat, I think they were entirely too silly-looking to be threatening and would be more fitting as the bad guys in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Not that the undead skeleton pirates from the first movie were realistic, but they are a hell of a lot easier to take seriously than some stupid-looking shellfish men. I mean if I were a pirate in the times of old, and I was confronted with an un-killable skeleton pirate, I would crap my pants with terror. However, if I were confronted with a stupid-looking hermit crab man, I'd shoot him in the face and then have crab legs for dinner. While Barbossa's ship in the first movie was a floating haunted house, Davy Jones's ship in this movie is more of a floating smorgasbord. Plus Barbossa was just a more believable and developed character than Davy Jones. My advice for the third movie is to go back to Barbossa and his skeleton pirates instead of a retarded piece of calamari that plays the piano with its face.

Lastly, there was one minor question that was burning through my mind the entire movie: why is the monkey still undead? All of the pirates affected by the curse in the first movie were turned back to normal men after the last piece of Aztec gold was restored, so why wasn't the curse lifted from the monkey? I hope they explain this in Pirates 3. Until then, here's hoping Kiera Knightley gets naked the next time around.

Red Eye (2005)

i'm still trying not to scream at people about how stupid this movie was

[1/10 · 6 July 2006]

Here we have a movie where a nice, pretty twenty-something young woman manages to defeat a cadre of professional killers. Bravo. I can't even count the number of times in this movie where Cilian Murphy should have killed Rachel McAdams. He had a gun, he's a professional killer, and yet this slim attractive business woman manages to thwart him at every turn. And the scene at the end where he's chasing her around the house and she keeps tripping him with chairs and shutting doors in his face reminds me of Home Alone. I was waiting for her to throw paint cans at him from the top of the stairs. Professional assassins do not get beat by Rachel McAdams and her dad. Period. I'm not a professional assassin but I still bet if I had a gun I could kill Rachel McAdams without her stabbing me with a pen or tripping me with some chairs.

Superman Returns (2006)

Bryan Singer owes Superman an apology

[1/10 · 28 June 2006]

First, let me just comment on what I liked about the movie. The special effects were fantastic, and very rarely did I feel like I was watching a video game. There, that is the last nice thing I have to say about this film. In fact, I would just like everyone reading this to take note that I can't even put into words how hard it was for me to write this review without swearing.

I have innumerable complaints about the film, but four major complaints jump to mind. My first major complaint has to do with the incredible cheesiness of the "plot twist" (if you can call it that since most people probably saw it coming a mile away) where Lois's 5 year-old son turns out to be the super-powered child of Superman. When the crying super-child throws a piano at Lex's henchman to save his mother, I almost got up and left the theater. Singer could have made a much better Superman movie without resorting to cheap gimmicks like a seemingly fragile but latently super-powered illegitimate child. It's been 5 days since I saw the movie and I still want to vomit.

My next major complaint has to do with the fact that Superman lifts a continent made out of kryptonite up into outer space. It doesn't take comic book guy from the Simpsons to point out what's wrong with that. I don't know how many comic books Brian Singer has read, but when Superman is exposed to even a small amount of kryptonite he barely has the strength to stay on his feet. Whoever had the idea to have him fly a large island made out of his greatest weakness into space has no business being associated with any Superman-related projects ever again. The concept is as ridiculous as making a Dracula movie where the title character has a stake through his heart and still manages to fly a spaceship made out of garlic into the sun. Why not just have Superman eat kryptonite? He can eat it and then brush his teeth with it, and then go to sleep in kryptonite pajamas. That's not any more absurd then having him hoist a continent of kryptonite into space and then fall powerless through the atmosphere without burning up in re-entry or splattering all over central park when he hits the ground.

My third major complaint has to do with the fact that Singer slaps movie-goers across the face with religious symbolism the entire movie. I have to take issue with his characterization of Superman as the only son of a God-like Jor-el sent to Earth to be a savior. Jor-el wasn't all-wise, he was just a scientist. And he didn't send his son to earth to be a savior, he threw him in a rocket and hurriedly fired it into space because his planet was about to explode. I'll buy the Christ allegory if Brian Singer can show me the part in the Bible where God sends Christ to Earth because Heaven was about to explode, and then radioactive pieces of Heaven become Christ's primary weakness. Furthermore, the "crucifixion" scene where Luthor stabs Superman in the side with a kryptonite "spear" just makes me want to slam my face into a brick until I'm too brain-dead to notice the brazenly obvious and inappropriate symbolism that will be tainting the man of steel for the foreseeable future. They might as well rename this movie "Superman Returns: the Passion of the Christ."

And speaking of Luthor, my last major complaint has to do with Singer's depiction of Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor is a shrewd, cold-hearted business tycoon who is more apt to run for President (which he does in the comics) than try to destroy the world. The man wants money and power; he wants to be in charge, not wreck everything. Yet the Luthor we see Superman Returns, as well as all the previous Superman movies, is a wacky theatrical dunce who comes up with zany schemes to destroy the world. If Singer had the slightest loyalty to the characters instead of the (quite awful) previous Superman movies, this film might not be such an unbearable travesty. Maybe Singer's next project can be a Batman movie where he focuses on the interpretation of Batman from 1960s TV show. ZAM! WHAP! POW!!

To summarize, I don't know what I hate more, the movie itself or the fact that so many people seem to be giving it good reviews. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you don't hate this movie then your opinion is wrong. I sincerely encourage anyone who reads this not to see this movie if you haven't already. Don't see it, don't buy it when it comes out on DVD, don't rent it...basically don't contribute any money towards it in any way. This movie does not deserve to make any money. In fact, I think that for every person that sees this movie, Bryan Singer should be fined 45 billion dollars. If you're a Superman fan and you really want to see this movie, just bend over and have someone kick you in the balls and you'll get the same experience without having to waste 2 hours of your time.