MongoLloyd Reviews

Road House (2024)

This Ain't It

[2/10 · 6 April 2024]

As a fan of the original Road House and definitely a fan of Doug Liman, the first 45 minutes of this was disappointing, and disappointing enough for me to just stop watching altogether.

I could see (in my minds eye or whatever), the misguided machinations of the screenwriters of this flacid remake, "we need a precocious little girl to play off the stoic, out of place, hero. That'll really add some zesty, contemporary spice to the boomer-classic original, and we can create a showcase for the cardboard box cast for this role in the process."

Yawn.

Much of the agenda based casting choices feel out of place and stick out like a sore thumb as do the bands they chose that seem a lot more New Orleans than hard core road house rock. Why would they replace the blistering blues based rock of Jeff Healey with accordions and saxophones? Yuck.

All this makes me want to do is stop watching and go watch the original to bask in the splendor of good ole, classic American cinema.

Ferrari (2023)

Not a Single Likable Character

[3/10 · 29 January 2024]

Right off the bat, I hate the protagonist because he's a guy who cheats on his wife and he does very little if anything to redeem himself during the rest of the film. The camera work is odd, at times even amateurish. The filmmakers chose a slice of Ferrari's life to write about that just isn't terribly interesting and there are way too many "moments alone" scenes with the leads as well as too much boring domestic squabbles.

Can anyone imagine Ford Vs Ferrari with Ken Miles at home arguing with his wife about leaving the toilet seat up? If you're going to exploit a notable figure's life for a movie, at least make it interesting.

Castaways (2023)

Proof That We're Getting Dumber

[2/10 · 19 January 2024]

I am appalled that something like this can get greenlit, but then this IS really just another in a long line of absurdly dumb movies that seem to be overwhelming MOD streaming platforms lately. Every facet of this film is proof that we're collectively getting dumber and dumber as a society.

Someone actually wrote a script that featured a protagonist who immediately started doing push ups in a boat the moment a storm set in, as if that would somehow prepare her for an impending shipwreck.

Then they created a tiny tropical island, well populated with various forms of fruit, coconuts, fish, fresh water, and of course random stuff that occasionally washes ashore, because if we've learned anything from Gilligan's Island...

The leads appear to be escapees from the phone case kiosk at the Del Amo Fashion Center whose characters predictably fall in love because if we've learned anything from Blue Lagoon...

Windfall (2022)

Yet Another Shaggy Dog Story

[1/10 · 31 December 2023]

This is one of those films that you watch just to see if something is going to happen. Lily is nice to look at and it sort of chugs along in a direction that kind of feels like it might go somewhere, but in the end you realize you've been duped, and the filmmakers tricked us into thinking they had something compelling to tell us. None of the main characters are likable and as soon as I heard the music score, my eyes were rolling. No amount of orchestral, Hitchcockian suspense scoring could save this. In some industries, that treatment would be called "polishing a turd."

I am sorry, but a massive twist ending that comes from nowhere and a fancy symphonic score does NOT make up for a complete lack of film storytelling ability, which should feature a likable protagonist trying to achieve something, a character arc, and a great ending that resolves the requisite tension that should be extant.

Go back to screenwriting school.

Showing Up (2022)

Infuriatingly Bad

[1/10 · 27 December 2023]

This appears to be a fine artists attempt at making a commercial film about artists. I know absolutely nothing about the director of this dreck, and this certainly does absolutely nothing to pique my interest in whoever that person is. As a film, this features extremely mundane scenarios and a "story" that has no meaning and goes nowhere. For whatever reason, the filmmakers decided to completely neglect the time honored craft of film storytelling which is a very simple formula that people have become accustomed to and has proven to work very well for filmmakers over the past hundred years.

I kept waiting for something to happen, for some plot to appear, for some comprehensive narrative to manifest, but alas, the filmmakers have completely neglected the audience with this, the cinematic equivalent of birdcage liner.

Leave the World Behind (2023)

The Message is Clear

[4/10 · 12 December 2023]

On it's face, this is not a terrible story that plays out like a Jordan Peele meets M. Night Shyamalan film, but there were more than a few incongruities and oversights that served to distract and annoy this viewer.

There is zero character development. None. We have one group we know barely anything about, embarking upon a vacation who then meet another group who we then only get a glimpse into who they are. Did I care about what happened to them? No, not at all, because that's the result of a lack of character development.

The soundtrack is initially a mix of disparate genres but then settles into a requisite "creepy music" score. That to me, right off, was an indication of either - inexperienced director or way too many cooks in the kitchen.

I see there are 11 producers, not counting AP's, in the credits and two of them in particular explain the not-so-subtle underlying message that certain people are not to be trusted and are just generally people of low character which is made very clear in the very first 10 minutes of the film. It's an unfair characterization that is essentially propaganda.

Another incongruity is the trashy daughter of the "hero" of the story, a man of great wealth and culture which the filmmakers made sure to point out. She is severely unlikable and completely out of place as his daughter as well as the fleeting subject of desire (LOL) for the visiting couple's teenage son. There's nothing about that character that fits the story at all.

Otherwise, the "huge life changing event" is never explained, and we're left with a final bit of the same propaganda that pervades the entire story to hammer home the intended message.

Dream Scenario (2023)

Half-baked

[6/10 · 9 December 2023]

I applaud original film story ideas, I really do, but this missed the mark. As mentioned in another review, an explanation for the lead's predicament was not extant in the story which leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. You can't just conjure up "something crazy" have it play out but then never explain what caused it.

Sure, the results of "something crazy" can be amusing but so what? We still need a proper resolution which this film does not have. Instead we are left with essentially a hackneyed and very traditional movie ending where the lead gets the girl and walks off into the sunset.

A commentary on fame? I guess. But again, the point of departure for the whole story is a fluke. It's like having a unloved man suddenly beloved by all because he suddenly can poop gold bars. Would an audience care more about the subsequent response to such a miracle and completely forget what caused the response? I don't know. I wouldn't.

The Curse (2023– )

A New Genre: "Anti Comedy"

[1/10 · 26 November 2023]

I don't know what I could add here that hasn't already been comprehensively stated, but since I despise this style of filmmaking, I'll try.

When I saw a Safdie involved in this, my cinematic Spidey-sense was raging like a jackhammer in my frontal lobe. It was bad enough Safdie's filled an entire movie with bad 60's era sci-fi synthesizer music, but we get to experience that fetish yet again in this dreck, although at least to a lesser degree. It does help however to shift ones thoughts away from the painfully unfunny scenes, I admit, so there's that.

Slow zoom shots were pretty passe like 50 years ago and the extended holds on characters meant to show inner turmoil are a bit much. It almost seems like they're trying to eat up screen time with these overly long moments of awkwardness.

Casting is customarily odd and seem to indicate somewhat of a new age sociopolitical agenda. How do Somalian's find their way to a tiny New Mexico town that's almost entirely populated with Hispanic people? Where did that casting choice come from?

Black comedy? I guess. I like the commentary on smarmy NYC reality show directors since I have worked with a few, but humanizing that character in this is just distracting and unnecessary. We don't need to like him or care about him.

I don't know, the chemistry of this series isn't producing "bang," but rather just creates a distinct hatred for it. I hung in there for 3 episodes only for Emma Stone, but I'm done.

Manodrome (2023)

Nope

[1/10 · 15 November 2023]

Is this part of the new wave of filmmaking that features protagonists who don't know what they want, and have no goal? Do things happen in this movie? Sure, lot's of things that make no sense whatsoever because the protagonist is a malformed character who basically functions as a broken robot for whoever wrote this. Is he human? Sure. Does he act like any human being ever has? Probably not. Do we care enough about him to want him to succeed? Succeed at what? All he does is meander around making one terrible decision after another as if he had no backbone or even the intelligence of a parrot.

I'll never understand how stuff like this gets greenlit.

The Killer (2023)

Forgettable

[4/10 · 12 November 2023]

Here we have the hitman's hitman, trotting out zen master-like hitman wisdom as we SEE his rigorous self-discipline in action. He's a virtuoso of assassination and let's the viewer into his world of wizard-like dedication to his craft which includes long term extreme concentration, dozens of fake identities complete with credit cards and passports, well stocked storage spaces all over the country filled with weapons, identity kits, and seemingly unlimited access to money.

And yet... the story starts out with him standing in full unimpeded view of dozens of apartments in the building of his mark. Day after day, night after night, he stands in that giant window waiting for his mark to appear across the way. Is he completely visible? Well, everyone else is, so he MUST be. No disguise, no blinds, no curtain, just his standing there with his fully lit face.

What follows are a laughable series of events that are completely incongruous with the supposed mastery our hero has of his craft starting with an absurd cockup and his campaign of revenge against the cleaners sent to tie up the loose end that is himself. Of course the cockup enables the story to exist in the first place, but I don't see AT ALL what motivates his extreme reaction which makes up the bulk of the 2 hour movie.

Orphan Black: Echoes (2023– )

Godawful

[2/10 · 5 November 2023]

I'm a sucker for any kind of sci-fi with a female lead but this dreck is plagued by horrid casting, amateurish writing, and once that happens, nothing can save what follows. I admit, I could only get through one and a half episodes but that was more than enough. All the weird looking people acting strangely was enough to convince me of the above and seek out the original Canadian series which is starkly different in all regards and unlike this mush, is actually really engaging.

The one off the charts bits of terrible writing has the hero, Ritter, kidnapping her probable teenage clone and constantly accusing her of being "in on it," while "it" has yet to be established and how even is an obviously clueless teenage phone addict "in" on anything other than tiktok controversy?

I will be shocked if this sees a 2nd season.

Class of '09 (2023)

Agenda Based FBI Story

[1/10 · 27 May 2023]

A synopsis for this series promises some kind interweaving timelines treatment of three characters and yet the actual storytelling is noticeably lopsided in favor of one character who gets to have his life and hard times discussed very much more in depth than the other two main characters. In typical "Hollywood" fashion, this character's inherent victim status is well illustrated along with subtle and not so subtle unfair characterizations of America's current favorite boogeyman.

The non linear storytelling approach is kind of a pain in the neck for a lot of viewers but at least the filmmakers thought to let us know with simple text graphics when we are in the past, the present, or the future. That said, it IS annoying, I have to admit.

I'm not a fan of the casting choices which seem to be based on an agenda in the industry as of late rather than being representative of actual reality.

UFO (2018)

More of this, please.

[9/10 · 22 April 2023]

This is such a great movie and when I say "great," I don't mean that it's anything other than everything that makes a movie a great movie minus big budget shiny objects that are generally used by studios to distract an audience from weak writing. Character development of the lead is a bit skimpy, but every element of the film totally immerses the viewer in that world and blankets the viewer in the story. Casting is very good, performances are excellent, the sound design is inspired, the cinematography is exactly what it needs to be, and the story itself is about as compelling as anything else I'd consider excellent.

Liaison (2023)

Borrrrrring

[1/10 · 2 April 2023]

At first glance, this had all the elements of something compelling, but it all falls apart by the second episode. I generally don't care about a protagonists personal life outside of the main story, and with this, I cared even less.

Why try to make two competing, disparate story lines work within one series? I was already rolling my eyes at the romantic counterpart of the female lead, but then they had to put HIS unlikable kid in danger, like I care.

It's almost as if there's a mandate to have social commentary in any movie or series these days which almost always does two things; distracts the viewer, and bores the viewer.

Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre (2023)

Vanilla

[1/10 · 10 March 2023]

This movie was made for audiences that will watch literally any form of big budget action films and that's fine for those who need a good way to waste a few hours. At first, it seemed somewhat intriguing with the welcome addition of Aubrey Plaza's quirkiness, but then you realize even she didn't work in this. Her characterization and dialog weren't bad, but she seemed a bit too forced from where I was sitting.

The token casting choice is fairly inert and adds almost nothing to the chemistry of the leads and the minor characters are fairly boring. Ritchie could really take some cues from Soderbergh's Oceans films in how to create an ensemble cast.

Harry & Meghan: Escaping the Palace (2021 TV Movie)

Meghan's Eternal Victim Tour 2023

[1/10 · 2 December 2022]

Pretty traditional Lifetime movie chock-full of insipid dialog mostly in the form of hackneyed one-liners gleaned from a half century of insipid romance novels, tv shows, and movies. And every minute of the film features some form of victim observance of poor, poor Meghan Markle, former C-list actress who managed to catch the eye of a member of the British monarchy so she could, as legend tells us, "get into the better parties."

This is little more than an amalgamation of every similar Lifetime movie ever made, minus any semblance of originality. The direction is as unoriginal and ham-fisted as the writing. Seemingly the only original aspect of the story are the subjects of the story itself.

Even a casual observer of this film should immediately be struck by the overarching goal of the film - to cast Meghan Markle as some kind of heroine, freedom fighter for oppressed, raceified women everywhere. Barf.

Blonde (2022)

This Never Should Have Been Made

[1/10 · 27 November 2022]

Why? Why did we need an intimate look at the sordid underbelly of the short life of America's most beloved female sex symbol? Was MM an evil person who deserved such shabby posthumous treatment? Does it shed light on some underlying societal ill that plagues females in the Hollywood realm? The filmmakers of this dreck should be banned from ever making a film again.

This is the kind of film that you watch once and then never again, and you warn other people before they see it. It serves no purpose from a storytelling standpoint save for the titillation aspect which seems to be concocted specifically to appeal to an audience that thrives on seeing depictions of the worst in human nature.

The Peripheral (2022)

Predictable in every way

[1/10 · 6 November 2022]

I love sci-fi and this started out well enough, but then quickly devolved into the cliches we've all become accustomed to over the past decade. By episode 4, the lead is paired with a romantic counterpart "type" that just rarely happens in real life, but is still for some inexplicable reason the norm in movies and tv shows as of late.

The excessive tangents start to drag the story down and more and more time is spent on secondary and tertiary characters that dilute the story to the point where you stop caring at all. It's a shame really because sci-fi is generally complete garbage and this had potential.

Don't Worry Darling (I) (2022)

Wholly Unsatisfying Resolution

[3/10 · 24 October 2022]

So much happens, so much is implied, so much drama, but then - vague gobbledygook is all we get for our investment in time watching this. A "simulation?" A "secret project?" OK, what? Are they planning on explaining it in a sequel? Seemed like a pretty idyllic reality, so why would anyone want to escape it? You can't throw a bunch of unexplained intrigue at an audience and never explain it unless your goal is fine art. I ended up scrubbing through all the mundane social situations at some point because I just wanted to know what was going on but alas, the filmmaker never tells us. We're left to just fill in the blacks with "oh it must be a Stepford Wives thing." Dumb.

The Man with the Magic Box (2017)

Underrated Sci-Fi Romantic Drama

[8/10 · 9 October 2022]

I've watched this several times and I don't completely understand the low rating. I have to assume the amalgamation of a romance based story and sci-fi genre didn't work for audiences because men generally avoid romance based films and women generally avoid sci-fi. Combine these two things and you're stuck with no audience.

However, it's a very interesting take on time travel that typically involves a machine and lots of fireworks. At its core, this is a compelling inter-dimensional love story with actual chemistry between the leads.

The production design is inspired and even though created on a comparatively low budget, works very well immersing the viewer in that world.

Small Engine Repair (2021)

Cringe

[1/10 · 5 October 2022]

If you're into listening to an hour of absolutely cringey dialog and watching grown men behave like white trash teenagers just to get to the cringey payoff after an hour of waiting for something to happen, this is for you. "Based on a play," so what? I'm a fan of the "people in a room talking" genre, but watching this is like watching the worst reality TV shows ever made. And not a single character in this is likable. None. They're all deplorable and of low intelligence. All-of-them. And character arc not withstanding, I still hate the lead. And did I at least have sympathy for his daughter? No, not really.

Nope (2022)

Amateur Hour

[1/10 · 20 August 2022]

Not sure what to think of the inner city vernacular and manner of speech of the leads who apparently were raised in a rural area with some degree of affluence. And, it takes FAR more than 2 people to run a horse stable of that size. An Asian cowboy? Is that supposed to be funny? And if the Asian cowboy knew about the UFO vacuum cleaner along with ALL the people who attended his shows, how did the rest of the characters not know about it? And what's with the homicidal chimp? Just because? And where did the flying shrapnel even come from? Did the UFO vacuum cleaner lose its filter?

Vengeance (II) (2022)

Just One Problem

[6/10 · 19 August 2022]

The point of departure for this story is kind of bogus. Suppose you got a call from someone you didn't know crying about the death of someone you couldn't remember, someone you "hooked up with" for 2 months some time in the past. Would you jump on a plane and fly almost cross country for the funeral? I didn't think so.

Otherwise, it's fairly entertaining but I'm not crazy about Isa Raycis being cast as the producer. Nice seeing Ashton Kutcher though.

Animal Kingdom: 1992 (2022) Season 6, Episode 1

Done.

[1/10 · 21 June 2022]

And they persist with the flaccid flashbacks. How is this not the mark of a weak writer? I am done with this show. It had a good run, maybe the first 3 or 4 seasons until they ruined it with flashbacks. Oh well.

The Adam Project (2022)

*YAWN*

[1/10 · 13 April 2022]

At what point after seeing the same character types using the same schtick in a studio film does it become boring even though it appears to be outwardly exciting and amusing? I imagine for an audience that finds this compelling, it's like being a 3 year old entertained by the 300th retelling of a nursery rhyme.

Sure, it's got amazing production value and A-listers in lead roles. But it relies on an antiquated idea of time travel and features age old film tropes that were tired decades ago.