johnpwabbajack Reviews

Horsemen (2009)

Incredibly Stupid

[2/10 · 23 June 2021]

This is nothing more than a cheap knockoff of Seven.

The only thing remarkable about it is how horribly done it is. Some of the worst acting I've ever seen comes from Ziyi Zhang in this film. I haven't seen her in too many films and after seeing this I'm glad I haven't.

I'd rate this a 1 but Horsemen doesn't deserve the dubious distinction of getting the worst possible rating. It is such a failure it can't even earn my full contempt.

Farscape: Taking the Stone (2000) Season 2, Episode 3

What the Heck

[1/10 · 16 May 2021]

This episode is pure cringe and adds absolutely nothing to the series.

Seriously, you won't miss anything at all by skipping this episode, the story is dumb and the "antagonist" is just insipid. I'm genuinely shocked that an otherwise good show would have an episode this bad in it. I know they can't all be winners, but the disparity between this and other poorer episodes is shocking.

Crichton acts at the start of the episode in a way that is completely incongruous with how he's acted previously, which sets the whole thing in motion. Chiana's reaction to this is also out of character, but I don't really hold it against the characters since I personally consider the episode to be apocryphal.

This is bad on a whole other level.

Actually, you might want to watch it just to see how terrible it is.

Made You Look: A True Story About Fake Art (2020)

Worth It For The Spectacle

[8/10 · 6 March 2021]

In this case the spectacle is Ann Freedman sputtering about her innocence.

Seriously, her name should be Karen. She completely refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and lack of good judgement. It is hilarious to watch her try to MacGyver a cogent excuse out of wishful thinking over and over again, I still chuckle at her complete lack of self awareness.

Seriously though, how is she not in prison?

Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (2021)

Unnecessary and Unoriginal

[3/10 · 21 February 2021]

Seriously, there are creators on YouTube who have done a better job examining the disappearance of Elisa Lam, and some have thoroughly debunked claims in the documentary that there is :"something wrong" with the Cecil Hotel.

This crap is nothing but someone coming late to a story that has already been picked clean by others. What really bothered me enough to review it is the blatantly hyperbolic assertions made at the very beginning about nonsense like how 'it's a place where serial killers let down their hair". Like I said, YouTube creators have examined all of this thoroughly and debunked the claims that the Cecil Hotel has anything unusual about it; the serial killer angle was a combination of overreported incidents and flat out erroneous claims. The rates of drug use, prostitution, murder and suicide, if you examine the actual numbers, fall within the same levels of any other hotel in a major city.

This whole thing is a slick package designed to cash in on a tragic story that others have already covered (and that much better).

Skip it.

Conspiracy Theorists Lie (2015)

Unpopular for the Wrong Reasons

[8/10 · 27 December 2020]

I've always been on the fence about the JFK assassination, mostly because I don't know enough about it to really have what I would consider an educated opinion. This movie doesn't change that, my opinion is perhaps slightly more enlightened than it was before, but I do feel that this movie elucidated why some people believe in a far-reaching conspiracy as an explanation for what happened to President Kennedy.

The quote "when the legend becomes fact, print the legend" comes to my mind when thinking about why people believe in the conspiracies surrounding the assassination of JFK. In a world that is violently chaotic, where some act in monstrous ways with unknowable motives, the notion that calamity can be laid at the feet of some mysterious cabal is strangely reassuring. It EXPLAINS why things are bad when we so rarely get a coherent explanation for tragedy.

This documentary explores this and shines a much needed light on the origination of some persistent conspiracy theories, and demonstrates how they relate to the conspiracy theories around Kennedy's death. If you're capable of receiving new information and examining your own beliefs critically then you should watch this documentary.

If your identity hinges on your belief in some sort of conspiracy which is responsible for the assassination of the 35th president then you probably won't enjoy this documentary.

60 Days In: Reunion Special (2019) Season 5, Episode 11

Too Many Clips

[3/10 · 5 December 2020]

I'm not often so angry about an episode of a show that I feel compelled to review it, but this is definitely one of those rare cases.

This episode has an absolutely disgusting amount of padding in the form of episodes from the same season as well as clips from prior seasons. I genuinely do not understand why shows do this. If the audience wanted to watch small parts from episodes they've already watched, ESPECIALLY IN THE DAYS OF STREAMING SERVICES, they'll go watch those bloody episodes!

For pity's, we can find clips we want to see on Youtube, there is LITERALLY ZERO REASON TO STUFF AN EPISODE WITH FILLER LIKE THIS.

The ONLY parts of this episode that people care about are way too few; we want to hear from the people who went in, the people who sent them in, we want an honest conversation between these two parties about the things that happened.

We barely got any of that.

This is an episode that could very easily have run for 2 hours without the ludicrous addition of the clips (frankly they felt like commercials) because there was so much to talk about.

I'm giving this 3 stars because in the ABSURDLY SMALL AMOUNT of this episode where a conversation was had some questions were answered, and some much needed context was given to actions taken by some participants. It feels like a lot more was needed but left on the cutting room floor because who ever edited this episode is either an epic troll or a complete moron. Or both.

Ratched (2020)

A Very Mixed Bag

[6/10 · 25 November 2020]

There are several things Ratched does very well; the soundtrack, the costumes, the cinematography, the sets, the acting. It's a visually pleasing show that is reinforced by an excellent score which seems imported straight from the period, it reminds me in some way of older films like The Snake Pit. The performances are top notch; these are excellent performers at the top of their game.

The problem? The story and dialogue are absolutely insane.

Now, maybe that was intentional. Maybe, but given how loony American Horror Story can get (like it's bizarre fixation on strangely created families) I feel Ratched isn't as self-aware as it probably should be.

When I first found out about this show I did a very small amount of digging to find out if this was based on anything other than the novel One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (and its film adaptation), and in a very real sense it was. Nurse Ratched's portrayal was apparently somewhat controversial with feminist writers, and it is very obvious this show is based on that critique.

What I find utterly horrifying about this show is that it glorifies authoritarian abuse by health care workers...as long as the abuser is female. In the world of Ratched if a man is abusive his intentions are meaningless and context is irrelevant. However, any woman (including the titular main character) who indulges in hurtful, abusive activities while reveling in the power they wield over others...well, certainly they meant well! See, they care deeply, but they have REASONS which excuse THEIR abuse! Not those horrible men, though! Not only that, but anything a woman has done which is wrong is surely the fault of some man!

This kind of ideologically driven pablum, which has frequently been seen in American Horror Story, goes down like a lead balloon. We've reached a strange time where art is subordinated to political messaging, where a blatantly obvious agenda is clumsily shoved down the throats of the audience. Whatever happened to subtlety, to nuance? What happened to telling a story that is at least marginally believable for that matter?

I really wanted to like this show but it's absurd story, ludicrous dialogue, and amateurish attempt at political messaging left me feeling like it was mostly a waste of time.

Sherlock (2010–2017)

Dumb Person's Version of Intelligence

[3/10 · 12 November 2020]

The title says it all really. This show is essentially the drama version of Big Bang Theory. Full of shallow self indulgence and pretense, nothing actually delivered.

You want well-written, expertly plotted television? Watch Breaking Bad. Skip this.

While there are a few good moments they aren't even enough to make this show even mediocre. I'd say the best thing this show does is demonstrate why the tumblr generation might just be the worst one.

The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020)

Mostly Good, But Kind of Slow

[7/10 · 23 October 2020]

The first thing I'd say about this is that while it's probably unfair to compare this to the first season, comparisons are inevitable, and this season doesn't hold up.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't BAD per se, it's just underwhelming. You could have this show running in the background and you wouldn't miss anything worth mentioning, which really isn't something you want to say about a show like this.

The first season was much more intense with much better pacing. This season feels like a whole bunch of nothing interspersed with occasional moments of interesting content.

The story itself, much like the pacing, leaves a bit to be desired. It's a very straightforward story and very easy to follow, I wasn't surprised by really anything that happened. Again, this is very much unlike the first season where a couple of times there were twists that practically wrenched a sob out of me. I didn't feel that here.

The saving grace of this film is its cast, with the notable exception (surprisingly) of Carla Gugino; for some unknown reason the powers that be decided her role required an English accent, and Ms. Gugino proceeds to do a poor impersonation of every English accent all rolled into one horrid concoction that is very jarring to listen to. Since her character is the show's narrator this is only frequently an issue, but the penultimate episode is about 90% her talking and it is almost unbearable.

A quick note: I was going to rate this show an 8 since I felt 7.5 was about right and wanted to round up...until I watched episode 8. That whole episode was so badly executed (half because of Ms. Gugino's bad accent) that I decided a 7 would be more appropriate.

The rest of the cast does a good job, though I do think people are overstating the quality of Amelia Eve's performance. She did well, but not really any better than her cast mates. I think the writing for her character was a bit purple as well; she doesn't so much talk to other characters as she monologues in their vague direction. I suspect there is a bit of a political reason as to why this person is being singled out for partially undeserved praise, but I'll say no more as I don't want to spoil anything.

In the end I don't think this season was really worth the wait. It's too slow, fails to build to something intense or cathartic, and I think it'll eventually fade from memory except perhaps as a lesson in how not to follow up on a popular show.

Acts of Violence (2018)

Blandest of the Bland

[4/10 · 12 September 2020]

Reminds me of Revelation 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

That sums up my feelings about Acts of Violence.

This is a bland, paint by numbers movie that really isn't good for much besides having something playing as background noise. It completely fails to inspire any emotion in me at all; it's bad by default due to lack of artistic merit, not because it evokes some sort of negative feeling.

There is just nothing here to recommend it. The acting is okay, not bad but not good, the dialogue is stilted, everything about this is just so tepid and uninspired.

Lately I've been watching older B movies to try and understand what makes a movie bad. There have been quite a few that had a good premise but were just horribly executed; sometimes the script is just all over the place, sometimes it's technical issues like the camera work or audio. In Acts of Violence it feels like they didn't try anything at all; someone banged out a generic script, someone else produced generic music to play over generic scenes with no real emotion conveyed by the generic actors.

I have more respect for someone who tries and fails to make a great movie than I do for someone who produces something as homogenized as Acts of Violence.

Only (2019)

This was a stupid movie

[3/10 · 11 July 2020]

I'm sure whoever wrote this intended the ending to be filled with a profound meaning, but it's really just idiotic.

Essentially there is a comet which passes by Earth, some ash hits the atmosphere and a new virus infects people. The virus is fatal to women, but doesn't seem to hurt men. So the governments of the world start rounding up uninfected women to try and find a way to preserve humanity or whatever.

Like all pretentious films this begins in media res, so you have to suffer through an unnecessarily disjointed retelling of what is going on, but the story is so utterly basic that all the plot points are still telegraphed. I was playing Borderlands 3 while watching and managed to understand the story completely.

Telling the story in order here: Guy and girl are in love, girl's roommate comes home early after the comet thing happens and ash starts falling, she's sick, they take her to the hospital.

The boyfriend figures out what's going on while at the ER, steals hazmat suits and boy and girl go home. The ash is dangerous, yo.

The girl's father is some sort of medial expert from the UK, he tells boyfriend how to keep them safe. Boyfriend proceeds to virus proof the house. Boy and girl have to live in very rigid quarantine because the virus kills and stuff. Boy also builds a hidey hole to keep THE MAN from coming and taking the girl.

Things get tense, as they do during this kind of lock down. It becomes more and more clear that women are dying from the virus. Girl joins some sort of secure online message board and talks to other women. They share stories with each other for emotional support, and take photos when they are dying. Have to be secure to keep the girl from being snatched up by the government.

So at some point boy takes a test that confirms he is a carrier; he isn't ill but he can transmit the virus.

Time goes by, things get more tense due to girl not being able to go outside and do what she wants to do. She is basically a spoiled idiot who doesn't understand that if she DOES what she wants to do it will kill her. Boy and girl fight a lot because, well, not being able to do whatever she wants is somehow worse than dying.

The government in the UK finds her mom, sad time, dad tries to stop them from taking mom but get smacked for his efforts. Girl is UNDERSTANDABLY UPSET by this, but then throws a temper tantrum because boy sensibly reminds her that as much as she wants to call dad (he sent them a video) that will give them away.

Girl continues tantrum, throws boy out. Boy goes to give space, then finds girl goes onto roof and takes off hazmat suit, essentially damning herself...all because she values something trivial (going outside) over staying alive. She dumb.

(After this is where the movie starts, ish)

So the girl takes the test, she sick yo (QUELLE SURPRISE). THE MAN shows up so she hides in her hidey hole while they search everything. Eventually THE MAN (well, men, there are a couple at least) leave, but not before the one in charge tells the boyfriend "hey, you didn't need to hide her, we don't take the sick ones."

So boy and girl go on road trip so she can see a waterfall one last time. They stop at sketchy motel where an obvious trans person solicits the girl while the boy is off doing something (it seemed like he was paying for a room). Girl is dressed up like a boy, bind breasts with cloth and duct tape. Wears beanie. Sad trombone.

Next day boy and girl go to get supplies at a ransacked grocery store, there is a problem that isn't worth describing, they pass a diner and girl wants to eat breakfast inside instead of getting food to go. While in there we find out from a man on TV that there is a multi-million dollar reward for turning in live women. They want them eggs, yo.

(Now that I think about it the grocery store might have come before the motel, but who really cares?)

Girl starts bleeding from her ear, which is a sign the virus is progressing. Boy freaks out and they leave without paying...but a guy there is like, nah bro, I'll get the tab. NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL.

So the totally not suspicious guy follows them, with his son, to their camp site. The hang out, get tipsy and shoot at a tin can...and OF COURSE the guy can't hit it but when the girl tries she gets it on the first shot because yes we can or something.

Boy gets jumped by guy and son, they want the lady to turn her in for the bounty, she has a seizure or something, then, in the evening, strips and pretends to seduce the son, kills him with a rock. They then kill the dad. And nothing of value was lost.

So from there she's pretty much dead, having a bad time, they find the waterfall and he takes a photo of them together with the date written on her to show when she died. Of course, the argument that led to her going outside, and her going outside, play along with them making their way to the waterfall. It's supposed to be poignant but it isn't because she's a moron. The end.

So did that sound good to you? No? Yeah, it's a dumb movie about a basic moron who condemns herself to a slow death because she had to stay inside for a couple of months.

Have a Good Trip (2020)

Joe Rogan Isn't In It

[3/10 · 12 May 2020]

...and I wanted to start there because him NOT being in it feels weird.

I'm not sure how they did it, but the people who made this found an impressively high number of famous people I absolutely cannot stand and then asked them about their experiences with psychedelics.

I'm genuinely impressed by this rogue's gallery of obnoxiousness; Adam Devine, Nick Kroll, Natasha Lyonne, Rosie Perez, Ben Stiller, there are more but you get the idea. All of those idiots but no Joe Rogan, who goes out of his way to find reasons to talk about DMT and ayahuasca. And chimpanzees.

But the one which stands out the most is Deepak Chopra; if the intention on the part of the filmmakers was to lend some credibility to the recreational consumption of psychedelics they should have kept him as far from this as possible. If Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop somehow attained sentience and took on human form it would be Deepak Chopra.

There are a couple of good stories here; Sting, Anthony Bourdain, Carrie Fisher, all of their stories were enjoyable and entertaining. The others range from meh to an obnoxious co-worker cornering you and forcing you to look at pictures of their kids. I get the appeal of having famous people telling stories about their drug adventures, but it comes off as an appeal to authority:

"See? These people are famous and successful, they say LSD is okay, so you should agree with them."

Instead this feels like a missed opportunity to actually educate people in an entertaining way, and in the end I think they are just preaching to the converted. I've tried LSD and am open to other psychedelics, so of course I'd watch this, someone on the fence might be tipped slightly in favor, but the people who are against it certainly won't have their minds changed.

They do this bit where they make fun of the old anti drug videos from the early 90s, and those are a little funny, but it might have been more effective to cut back on the number of times they do that, then have an actual expert (not Deepak) explain some of hazards of LSD and why those things happen. Instead what we get is a mediocre joke repeated too many times, and end up with a "documentary" that doesn't really say anything of substance on an important issue.

Reckoning (2019)

Good Background Noise

[6/10 · 5 May 2020]

It's not a bad show by any stretch, the acting is great all around, but the script has a few too many dumb moments that hold the show back a bit.

There is one bit in particular where a lady asks a priest why God wants people to confess in addition to repenting, and the priest's response is "because that is what he asks."

Seriously? That's the best they could do?

There are a couple of other minor moments here and there, but that's the one that really stood out.

Also,, we didn't really need this show. Serial killers in general are a bit passe, and there really isn't anything original here. It's a show to watch if you like a crime-thriller-drama-things that doesn't require much thought, and it helps the acting is pretty decent.

On the other hand at least it isn't trying to reinvent the wheel, and thank Christ there isn't a quirky medical examiner.