billandersen Reviews

Crimson Force (2005 TV Movie)

14 minutes is enough

[1/10 · 4 June 2005]

I'm only 14 minutes into the movie and it's so horrible I don't know if I can go on. But, in the hope that someone will read this before SciFi decides to replay it, and can thereby gain two hours of their life back, I am honor bound to try to warn you away.

This stinker is jam-packed with every corrupt-corporate-future-meets-space-travel cliché imaginable. I don't know why SciFi even bothers. It's even worse then the marginally entertaining Alien Apocalype. I'm now 19 minutes into it. Hopefully there will be the usual gratuitous SciFi sex scene.... Nope. Not yet.

There are some bad space suits and (this is good) "welding" on the outside of a spaceship covered apparently by the same kind of thermal tiles that are used on the Space Shuttle.

Who writes this stuff anyway?

Battle of the Bulge (1965)

One of the worst movies ever made

[1/10 · 30 December 2004]

What can I say? Anyone who has seen this movie and knows anything about WWII and the (real) Battle of the Bulge has two choices -- to laugh or to cry. Laugh because this movie has nothing to do with what went on in Belgium in December, 1944. Cry, because it did a tremendous disservice to those on all sides who participated in that battle and to other, infinitely better, depictions of that campaign and period of the war (e.g., "Battleground", "Band of Brothers"). From the "Tigers" (US M-48 tanks painted gray with German crosses) to the lack of anything resembling actual military deportment or tactics, to the filming locations (Fort Hood, Texas just doesn't look like Bastogne -- Pennsylvania would have been a better choice), this movie is every bit as much a stinker as "Battle of the Last Panzer".

"Battle of the Bulge" is typical of other "big concept" novel-based movies like "The Longest Day" (another travesty especially when compared to the likes of "Saving Private Ryan"). I vote this as a contender for one of the worst movies ever made.

TV total (1999– )

Really funny!

[1 June 2002]

I first saw TV Total while working in Germany in 1999-2000. Problem was the show is in German and I didn't know that much then. Eventually my understanding of German improved along with my appreciation for the TV Total.

Appearing 4 nights a week (Monday-Thursday) on the German network "Pro 7", in concept, it's similar to the "Daily Show" on Comedy Central. The host, Stefan Raab, has an army of interns who scour German television for bloopers, strange people, pompous politicians,and generally silly events. Then he weaves them into a one-hour show where he takes full advantage of the material. Stefan is a really funny and multitalented guy, with a special ability for physical comedy.

Probably the funniest part of the show is a regular segment called "Raab in Gefahr" (Raab in danger), where Stefan puts himself into situations where he's likely to be hurt doing a physical stunt, slapped while insulting someone, or creating general mayhem. One of the better examples was his posing as a flight attendant (unknown to the passengers) where he handed out porno magazines to passengers as they boarded the plane.

Raab is somewhat of a controversial figure in German TV, much like Howard Stern is in the US -- he never misses an opportunity to take the (self-) important down a peg or to kick someone when they're down. For this reason, he is either loved and hated in Germany. Recently the show went from once a week to four times weekly, which many viewers think has diluted the quality of the material.

Stalingrad (1993)

Germans are people too!

[10/10 · 1 March 2002]

I have to say first that I REALLY like Stalingrad (gave it a 10). The main reason is simply that it shows a piece of the war through German (albeit 1992 German) eyes, something not done in a significant way by any US-produced movie. Even more remarkable (and commendable) is that the vast majority of the soldiers depicted are decent people and not faceless child-eating murdering Nazi thugs (as in "Enemy at the Gates"). Having learned German (the subtitles are incomplete, sometimes wrong, and generally bad) the movie was made all the more enjoyable - some of the stuff just doesn't translate to English. Sure there are problems - continuity, editing, technical, etc. But I've read now three different histories of the battle (most recently Antony Beevor's excellent book) and the movie does an excellent job of showing you a cross-section of life for German soldiers who fought, starved, froze and eventually died during the campaign while avoiding a superficial "check all the boxes" plot like the one in the truth-bending yet inexplicably popular "Platoon". Other commentators have criticized the character development in "Stalingrad", a charge just as easily directed at any film with the ambitious scope of this movie. These comments might just as well be due to the problems of translation. Through Lieutenant von Witzland and Captain Musk, one sees the traditional German values of honor and service; through Otto, we see the moral crisis faced by the German Army officer corps that found itself paralyzed in the face of Nazi manipulation; in the innocent GG we see the waste and loss of war.

In line with other commentators, however, I have to say that I can't approve of the revisionist nature of the "Stalingrad" plot. Personal accounts and letters show overwhelmingly that even the average German soldier was quite confident of victory and many in their faith in and allegiance to Hitler almost up until the end in February, 1943. While this would have made the movie less appealing, both in Germany and elsewhere, it would have made for much better history. One had to ask when viewing "Stalingrad" the same question one asks when walking the streets of modern-day Germany -- "Where did all the Nazis go?"

La battaglia dell'ultimo panzer (1969)

WWII Spaghetti Western!

[1/10 · 29 September 2001]

Contender for the worst film ever made!

I saw this movie for the first time at the recommendation of a friend. He warned me it would be painful to watch, but I had no idea how painful it would turn out to be.

This film (the English version I saw is entitled "Battle of the Last Panzer") is intended as a WWII epic depicting the struggle of a German tank crew, caught behind enemy lines, trying to get themselves and their vehicle back to German-held territory.

Other than that, I will make no attempt to describe the insanely fragmented and incoherent plot - you simply have to see it for yourselves!

Everything about this movie is just plain bad -- the plot, the dialog, the setting, the special effects, the equipment and uniforms, and the acting.

The star of the show is the Lieutenant in command of the crew (capital letters indicate emphasis):

"Any attempt at disobedience, or talk of desertion ... will be punished by DEATH!"

"As the Fuehrer said ... Those who are not with us ... are AGAINST us!"

"You have one minute, no more, to throw down your arms and get out of sight! After that minute, I'll advance -- RAPID FIRE!"

The film is supposed to be set in France, after the D-Day invasion. But in place of the lush green fields of Normandy, the landscape is arid and looks like Sicily or the south of Spain.

The uniforms are the best! "Americans" wearing Italian uniforms, complete with Italian rank and helmets. The weapons they are carrying are modern G3 assault rifles. The "Germans" are no better - they are carrying Italian-made Baretta submachineguns and pistols! Last but not least, their "Tiger" tank is an old US M-48 tank.

Writing these comments is proving to be almost as painful as watching the film. However, it's a must see. If you want a real shock, watch it right after "Saving Private Ryan" or "Band of Brothers" and you'll find out just how bad bad can be!