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Unfrosted (2024)
Up there with The Exorcist II
Honestly, this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. And this is coming from someone who loves Seinfeld. It certainly doesn't help that he directed the movie and helped write it. This is one of the RARE occasions I had to actually stop watching the movie half-way through. Forty-five minutes in and I thought I was at the end of the movie. I had to tap out.
The movie just doesn't know what angle to take. At times it's silly, at other times it's completely unbelievably cartoonish, at other times it's trying to be like Airplane. And for all that, it fails at every turn. There's not one funny moment. Not even one humorous moment. It's just terrible.
It's like he got all of his friends together and decided to slap together a movie. Like, we're watching some expensive vanity project.
There's a scene where these kids are dumpster diving to get their hands on these pastries. Then they're picked up by the trash truck, circulated through the truck, spit out the other side, then immediately dive into another dumpster. It's like a Loony Tunes bit.
Then there's a bit about how milkmen are some mean cabal out to destroy Kellogg's cause they're working on a breakfast treat that doesn't require cereal. It's like they're the mafia or something. It's just inane.
I don't know, maybe a 9-year-old will think this is funny but, to me, this is up there with Exorcist II in how bad it is.
Seriously.... Exorcist II bad.
Cosmopolis (2012)
Philosophically bankrupt at best and dull at worst
It seems Hollywood is out of villains to attack so now it's gone after Capitalism. Sure, Hollywood has attacked Capitalism before but now with the Occupy movement and socialism on the public consciousness it has become the "in" thing to stand on the opposite side of the driving economic force that built America and scream "how dare you."
It's also painfully obvious that the occupiers of Hollywood can't tell the difference between Crony Capitalism and laissez-faire Capitalism.
"Cosmopolis" wants to drive one point home: successful business people are emotional corrupt, bored with life, and evil.
The premises of the argument within "Cosmopolis" is that in order to achieve you have destroy. You have to climb up the ladder off the back of the "little man" and once your up the ladder it's not enough that you made the climb but you have to gloat about it.
This is why "Cosmpolis" is philosophically bankrupt. It doesn't draw a distinction between the criminal behavior of people that have made their fortune by destroying others on their way, and the people that have made their fortune by trading value for value.
Strip away the criminal behavior that is Crony Capitalism and you have the dollar as a representation of value. We trade value for value. My job pays me X amount of dollars to apply my skill set to their company for X amount of hours a day. I then use that money (my time/my life) to buy the essentials (i.e. food, vehicle, home) of my choice. If I enter into an arrangement with someone to buy goods from them I trade the money I have earned from my time spent at my job for this person's goods that has a similar value to them. We trade value for value. When force enters the equation we no longer trade value for value. Force is coercion, lies, black-mail, etc.
This is the problem with "Cosmpolis." Its characters act like princes or trust fund kids. They act as if they've obtained their wealth by no effort of their own. They act like they've no concept of Value.
"Cosmopolis" has a cast of characters that are wooden caricatures of what the 99% think is holding them down.
It's fantasy with a flawed premises. It's philosophically bankrupt at its very best and its painfully dull at its very worst.
Insane (2010)
Worst movie ever made!
Don't listen to the glowing reviews on this movie. The people saying such positive things obviously have an association with the movie in some way.
"Insane" is one of, if not THE, worst movie I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen "Clueless." As far as horror movies go it's still bottom of the barrel. Typical slasher movie that is extremely predictable and with an awful, truly awful, musical score. The composer must have scored the entire thing on some Casio he got from a nickle and dime store.
The only positive thing I can say about this "film" is that the women in it are very hot. That's about it.
You know who the killer is, you know who's going to die, you know what's going to happen next. And it all plods along. Basic premise of this is: girl checks into hotel - dies, girl checks into hotel - dies, girl checks into hotel - dies. The end.
Terrible music, terrible dialog, terrible music, terrible quality. Just the worst piece of garbage I've ever seen. If you can rent a copy please do the world a favor and burn it so no one else can suffer through this mess. Boooooooooo!!!
The Graves (2009)
Boooooo!
A better name for this awful movie would have to be "Hack." You know how bad acting takes you out of the movie? Well, in the case of "The Graves" EVERYTHING takes you out of the movie. Bad acting, bad writing, bad directing, stupid story, and no reason whatsoever to waste your time with this.
I would say that Brian Pulido should go back to comics but he's not good at that either.
It's a waste when someone is given the talent to be great at something yet no drive to follow through. It's also a waste when someone is given the drive for accomplishment but only floods the market with garbage.
Broken (2006)
Worst movie ever made
This could very well be the worst movie ever made. It is beyond me why there are so many people that have positive things to say about this truly awful piece of film.
Let's get something straight, I don't think it's "awful" because it's violent. I think it's awful because it was made by a bunch of hacks.
Just go up to the actors listed in the film to see what they've done after this movie was made in 2006. It looks like only two have gone on to do other things. That's because the acting in this movie was an abomination. You could use this movie in film class to show young directors how to NOT get good performances out of their actors.
First of all, the casting was atrocious. They couldn't find a less threatening guy to play the antagonist then they one in the film. He looked like the small doofus that played the little guy on the chain gang in "Oh Brother Where Art Thou." And we're supposed to believe this guy has been living in the woods when he's wearing clothes that looked like they were freshly bought off the rack from some new Western store. The woman, "Hope," looked like an ugly Baby Spice. Why anyone would want to kidnap her is a mystery. Jeffrey Dahmer took better care in picking victims than the evil guy in this movie.
Second of all, the character development was none existent. Let's forgo the third-of-all and fourth-of-all and just rattle some more off here.
There were scenes where the captive could easily get the chains off by lifting them over her head. The first scene had a woman go through torture to stay alive only to kill herself when she got through the hard part. The movie took place over a month yet they looked just as clean at the end of the movie than they did at the start of the movie. The school girl victim was the most annoying character ever. I was begging for her to die. The ending was retarded.
The movie was typical Euro movie making: Don't explain anything, just film a bunch of stuff and play it off as being artsy.
It's like these Japanese horror films. They say they don't like American horror films because we have to explain everything and we have to exact revenge on the antagonist. I say, it's lazy screen writing to not provide back-story and a resolution.
Avoid this movie at all cost. If you see it in the store do us all a favor and burn it. No eyes should ever witness the abortion that is Broken. I'd like to spit in the directors' faces for being such hacks and somehow getting a bunch of moronic fans to back their lazy garbage. Go screw.
Begotten (1989)
One of the greats
I first heard of Begotten when a girlfriend of mine picked it up in a "cult classics" section of my local video retailer. She knew I liked obscure artsy movies so I rented it and brought it home. It sat on my TV for a couple of days and then I put it in the VCR just before going to bed. I thought that maybe I'll see what it's like first then devote more time to it the next day. What followed was that it actually woke me up. I sat through the entire film and loved it. After I went through the closing credits I watched it again. Only after you see the closing credits do you get an idea of who is who. After you know that you can watch it again with renewed appreciation. Don't listen to the people that tear this movie apart. It's not for everyone. If you're someone that doesn't like reading subtitles than this movie isn't for you (not that there are subtitles, there's no dialog at all). If you're someone that actually owns Rush Hour 2 then this movie isn't for you.
This movie is truly original and inspiring. It does what other movies have never done. It looks like nothing else and is bolder than just about everything out there - from 1989 to the current date. You can tell that everyone involved in the making of this movie truly love the art of what they do and understand what can be captured in cinema form.
If you're looking to be "entertained" then the movie isn't for you. However, it is pure escapism in some extreme way and in film form. It's like someone attached wires to my head and taped one of my worst nightmares. But this nightmare makes sense if you really sit and watch the images, dissect the action of the actors, and don't sit there noodling your guitar passively but watch and not blink.
People compare it to Eraserhead but Begotten is so much more. I'm not joking when I say it is my favorite movie. It's an important film, visually stimulating, mechanically inspiring, and hypnotic. One review I read about it is very true though, "no one will get through Begotten without being marked."