kane-3 Reviews

Underworld (1985)

Precursor To Nightbreed

[6/10 · 1 March 2015]

Most Clive Barker fans will never be satisfied with filmed adaptations of his work. Even the strongest movies based on his work, (the best still being those directed by Clive himself), will leave his readers wanting more.

Transmutations (aka Underworld) is a fun, charming 80s precursor to Barker's better film adaptations. Is Transmutations as bad everyone says? No. Is it good? Well, no. But it definitely has Clive's stamp on it (there's a heavy Nightbreed theme throughout).

Don't watch it expecting Hellraiser and enjoy it as an 80s oddity. Or, watch it as an early introduction to Barker. The film, condemned by Barker himself, is not the complete failure most reviewers make it out to be.

The Krays (1990)

Almost

[4/10 · 27 August 2013]

Tries to be Clockwork Orange meets Goodfellas and fails at both. The movie doesn't get the facts right and does not deserve its cult status. Nothing rings true, including the performances and Medak's typical, heavy handed direction. It's as if John Waters directed Goodfellas without the insight. The first half is boring (no one cares about the Krays as children...is this Muppet Babies?), the second half is just as uninteresting and no where near as engaging as the true events. The comedic take on such savage gentlemen fails. OK. But when the film tries to convey the real life events in a serious tone, it fails even more. The Krays might have been a cutting edge, intriguing film when it first came out in the 90's. Upon repeat viewing, it does not hold up, does not get the facts straight and ultimately bores the viewer with cliché gangster tropes and obvious British humor.

Dread (2009)

In Response to Gorefest

[8/10 · 5 April 2010]

While I disagree with your review, I respect your opinion. However, the last line you wrote makes no sense.

You wrote, "We all know already what humans can do to fellow human beings. We don't need to watch it over and over again." Why watch anything then? We all know humans fall in love, so why watch Romantic Comedies? We all know cops bust criminals, so why watch Action films? And Dramas are full of the things we all do as humans, so why watch those?

This film is a solid effort and one of the better Barker adaptations to date. It contains all of the elements of classic Clive; sex, revenge, desire and, of course, blood and bodily harm.

Keep those Books of Blood coming!

Savage Harvest (1994 Video)

Better than its budget

[8/10 · 14 April 2007]

While there is nothing new in the concept of teens trapped in a cabin in the woods surrounded by evil and, one by one, becoming possessed, director Eric Stanze manages to breathe some life into the overused plot by inventing realistic and likable characters and showcasing some truly impressive effects and gore. The low (if any) budget film SAVAGE HARVEST is atmospheric, serious in its approach to the genre and the material and a very entertaining movie.

Since the plot is basically irrelevant, I'll get straight to the film's assets. First of all, Stanze knows how to utilize the format and never shoots anything too bright or too dark. His camera angles and framing are on a professional level not usually seen in these SOV films. It's easy to see the guy would be a success if offered a project allowing his work to be exposed to a larger audience.

The acting is believable and the film benefits, as any horror film does, from having a cast of unknowns. The characters seem like real people because they are real people.

The effects and gore in the film are on par with anything you'll see in bigger budgeted movies. The blood looks like blood, the makeup work is fantastic and Stanze knows when to linger and when less is more.

Despite a meandering scene or two of characters providing exposition, the movie is never dull and the death scenes come quick and brutal.

Do yourself a favor and get past the fact this movie was shot on video on a limited budget. A big budget and a cast of familiar celebrities doesn't necessarily make for a great movie and although many of these cheapies are downright torturous to watch, SAVAGE HARVEST is a solid entry into the Demons – Ate – My - Soul subgenre.

War of the Worlds (2005)

Just Plain Stupid

[4/10 · 12 July 2005]

Spielberg used to have it….Cruise never did. He's been playing the same character since The OUTSIDERS. Proof of this is in the way his character in WOTW leaves his dockworker job all smiles and practically skipping. (Then, in a moment of extreme mood swings, he becomes angry dad and throws a baseball through a window.) As for Spielberg, he proves he's still the master, all right. The master of filming actors as they look off camera at events we the viewer apparently are not worthy of. These scenes must take up at least 50% of this awful film's running time. Roland Emmerich and M. Night Shamalayan (two horrible filmmakers in their own rights) do a better job of ripping of Spielberg than Spielberg does.

Enter Tim Robins, convenient backstory supplier and resident weirdo. Like Cruise's unexplainable shift in character at the film's opening, Robins goes from gun toting wardog to whimpering coward with no strong answer as to why.

I realize this is an alien film yet I can only suspend my disbelief so far and that car surviving the plane wreck is just asking way too much. It's as bad as shots of people waiting for the opening ground to reach their feet before moving out of the way, just so the director can get some use out of his dolly. WOTW is packed with continuity problems and just plain ridiculous circumstances, such as Cruise scolding his son about not bringing food, while they are in someone's kitchen. Does mindless summer fare have to be so, well, mindless? This movie is a flat-out insult to any intelligent film-goer. I'd rather see the straight to video, C. Thomas Howell version. At least that one should be good for a laugh. I was too angry at this WOTW to find anything amusing about it.

Psycho III (1986)

Possible Spoilers

[8/10 · 3 July 2005]

The other negative reviews seem a bit harsh to me. Anyone who enjoyed the first sequel or Anthony Perkins' performance in either of the first two films will have fun watching the third installment. Not many films compare to the Hitchcock original and the sequels to PSYCHO are no exception. But anytime Anthony Perkins takes the screen as the matricidal Bates we the audience are going to be in for a treat.

Slasher enthusiasts and Norman Bates fans can rejoice as Perkins brings our favorite motel owner into the 80's. While there isn't quite enough gore for PSYCHO 3 to be considered a true slasher film, Perkins, as director, makes a bold choice to bring Norman and his terrible habits into the 80's while maintaining the charming weirdness in character and setting of the original and even its first sequel. The three films definitely feel like they take place in the same world and the returning characters (or relatives of deceased former characters) help keep the story arc flowing with a consistent feel.

The plot this time revolves around a nun, Maureen Coyle, who gives up her vows to God and finds herself hitching a ride with sleazy musician Duane Duke, played by the always entertaining Jeff Fahey. We all know which motel they're going to end up at and it isn't long before Norman meets Maureen in the diner and notices her initials, the same as Marion Crane's, on her suitcase. It's psycho love at first sight.

Meanwhile, Duke gets a job working at The Bates Motel front desk despite Norman's obvious disliking of the greasy loner. Add to the mix a bunch of rowdy football fans and what you'll eventually get is the largest body count in a PSYCHO film yet and since.

The gore, although minimal, is effective and a severed hand gag will have you laughing even though your stomach is turning. I'll never look at ice cubes the same way. Perkins also takes a stab at a shower-scene-type killing within a phone booth. It's creepy and violent like the shower sequence but, admittedly, loses some of its edge in the day and age of cellphones.

Filled with religious and sexual metaphors and ripe with sardonic humor and dark sarcasm, PSYCHO 3 is just plain fun to watch. Anyone in love with Perkins' betrayal as the truly loony Norman Bates needs to give the movie another chance. To say it doesn't hold up to the original is moot since so few films (in any genre) hold up to Hitchcock's masterpiece. Try to forget its untouchable origins and enjoy the flick for what it is… a better than average 80's horror movie featuring the overwhelming presence of one of film history's greatest on screen icons, played by the only man who could and ever should, Anthony Perkins.

Dead Friend (2004)

Ring Around the Ripoff

[7/10 · 15 June 2005]

DEAD FRIEND is yet another Asian ghost story featuring the now clichéd long-black-haired-dead-girl-out-for-revenge. There is absolutely nothing new here in terms of plot or even character; if you've seen THE RING, TOMIE, PHONE or any of the other countless Asian imports than you've already seen DEAD FRIEND and plot breakdown would be as redundant as this film itself.

While the movie's plot and structure lack in originality, DEAD FRIEND betters many of its' contemporaries by showcasing some solid acting and beautiful cinematography.

If you're addicted to these ghost/revenge films as most of us are to the equally uninspiring slasher genre than DEAD FRIEND is worth a viewing strictly to add another notch in your belt.

Cold Creek Manor (2003)

So boring that it's not really worth commenting on, but I'll try...

[4/10 · 21 September 2003]

This one was tough to sit through until the end. Very little happens in this film at all, unless you're deeply afraid of snakes or bearded Christopher Plummers. I can't describe what's wrong with the film without some ***SPOILERS***, so if you actually plan on torturing yourself with this bland waste of talent READ NO FURTHER! I sit through B-movie after B-movie, the worst of the worst, and I'm warning you, this one was bad! It may have had A-list talent but it made Leprechaun 4 look like The Exorcist. Dennis Quaid acted throughout the film as though he was trying out for the lead in the "Michael J. Fox Story" (what was with all that twitching?...my apologies if the man is ill!)and Sharon Stone's so-called comeback role consisted of playing to the typical formula of the useless female in distress. I can't think of anything (other than a coke habit)* that would have her reading this script and excepting this role! These are two actors that I normally admire, but you'd think of each that it was their first film. The movie needs to us to care about these two obnoxious New York Yuppies and their "came-with-the-picture-frame" children and believe me, you will not. In fact, you'll most likely spend the extremely dragged-out two hours wishing for something nasty to happen to at least one of the four city slickers, which it never does. And since you can't have city slickers without them pesky, greasy, backwoods locals, we enter Stephen Dorf (now that's a scary image!)and a sadly misused Juliet Lewis. She's the best actor in the pick and the only reason to see it, but couldn't she have played the sheriff role for a change? Please? Anyway some nonsense is revealed about Dorf's family having to slaughter their livestock with hammers (Texas Chainsaw?) and maybe Dorf himself killed his wife and kids. We don't know and don't care, but poor old Christopher Plummer is going to chew up the scenery (literally, and quite disgustingly)just to try and provide some unnecessary back drop and help pull the movie kicking and screaming into its second hour. This film does for chocolate covered cherries what Psycho did for showers. Did I mention the snakes? Did I mention that Dorf takes his shirt off? What about The Devil's Throat, you ask? Well it's just an excuse to ripoff The Ring and add a spooky well with a corpse floating deep down in its murky water. Will someone fall into the aforementioned filth? I think you know the answer to that, as well as you'll know the entire movie's plotline well before it's over. (An amusing thing to look for, if you're still not convinced to stay home and rent The Omen: There really is no mystery, but the only clues found are a piece of old wooden sign reading "evil" and a girl's retainer. Both objects are completely hidden to the naked eye yet both are found by characters simply looking down.) The end result is that there is not a single chilling moment or surprise in the entire film, other than the atrocious acting demonstrated by three of Hollywood's so-called elite. But, in the movie's favor, Dorf does take his shirt off. *(Easy, folks, I was only kidding! If she can sleep at night knowing I paid $10 to sit in a theater and have to watch the film equivilent of being read to sleep, than Mrs. Stone can take a joke.)

Cole Justice (1989 Video)

High Plains Loser

[28 June 2002]

What do you do when it's the 1950's and a group of thugs rapes your girl as you go back into the empty movie theater to retrieve her necklace? Well, if you're Coleman Justice (Cole to his friends), you repress your emotions and hide behind your favorite western movies. In fact, you grow up to teach a class on the subject(?!). And whatever happened to that police officer that just watched the rape and then killed the thugs in a vendetta fashion? He's the security guard at the very college you work at! You become his best and only friend, even though the teenagers seem enthralled by every word from the geezer's mouth. I'd give this one credit for breaking the cliche of the beer guzzling, dope smoking college student, but these kids are so far from being realistic that they may have well been muppets. I can't believe the makers of this film were allowed to use footage from some of the most classic westerns of all time! Poor Henry Fonda and Charles Bronson. They each appear on screen enough times to warrant a paycheck! The world, especially in these trying times, sure could use a good hero. Too bad this "Killer Cowboy" is a worse idea for a vigilante then Estelle Getty in "Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!" What are the police up to in this town anyway?! They're worse then Cole's students, who don't put the pieces together until 2/3 of the way in. Some very silly dialogue and horrible acting will keep bad movie lovers happy, but only watch this one if you like to torture yourself. Stick 'em up!

No Escape No Return (1993)

NO RENT, NO WATCH

[18 February 2002]

Where to begin with a movie like NO ESCAPE, NO RETURN? How about the title? Why not? It makes no sense and has nothing to do with the plot (if you want to call it a plot). It should be called 21 JUMP STREET : THE LATTER YEARS. Maxwell Caufield steps in for Johnny Depp as the good looking- young- white- cop. He seems to still be searching for another GREASE 2. Some newcomer bimbo plays the blonde. Oh yeah, Ioki's back, and this time he gets to do some stuff! DUSTIN NYGUEN finally gets to show off his martial arts skills (or lack there of) as the tougher of three renegade police (picture MOD SQUAD! only not as good!). This movie just makes you feel bad for veteran great JOHN SAXON, although his scenes are the only ones worth watching. JOEY TRAVOLTA pops his head in once or twice, probably just to remind us how much he resembles brother JOHN. The "action" sequences are rare and never live up to such great scenes as, let's say, the mudslide scene from "ROMANCING THE STONE". If you love to torture yourself with this kind of garbage, as I do, then rent "NO ESCAPE..." for a good laugh. The biggest one comes when NYGUEN's character sits alone in bed, crying his eyes out! Poor Ioki. Cheer up. I hear BOOKER needs a new partner.

Car Crash (1981)

A CRASH COURSE IN TRAVOLTAISM

[18 February 2002]

Crash Course has it all...and none of it good. The plot is just a thin piece of floss used to hold together some of the most uninteresting car chases ever filmed. Somehting about gangsters and owed money...who cares? Let's just all enjoy a young and fit JOEY TRAVOLTA prancing about town in the tightest jeans ever caught on film. If the overdubbing doesn't distract you, Joey's hair will. Brother JOHN must've have taken some tips from JOEY when he did SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER! Did I forget to mention the story? There really isn't one. Unless you have an extreme TRAVOLTA FETISH, there is no reason to sit through this complete waste of time. I wish Joel, Servo and Crow T. Robot were there to get me through!

Chance (1990)

LHJ RETURNS!

[5/10 · 20 August 2001]

Lawrence Hilton Jacobs is back and badder than ever in the final installment of the Chance series. Good news for fans of the series, LHJ brought along his sneer and flaring nostrils and uses them with brute force! If you like being tortured by this nonsense, as I do, try L.A. Heat or L.A. Vice. Then you can try and figure out which one hurt your brain more!

I can't end the review without mentioning Dan Haggerty's appearance in the film. He's in it. There, I mentioned it. Long live Jastereo Coviare who plays the ever disturbing (unintentionally)Bear. I personally feel this character needs a spin-off series.

Ballbuster (1990)

How did they get away with THAT title?

[13 July 2001]

When your lead character's name is Roosevelt "Ballbuster" Prophet, you know you're in trouble. A much more appropriate name for the lamest Private Dick ever would be "Bulletproof", since no one can hit him, even from five feet away...in the same room...with a double barrel shotgun! The expert marksman holding the shotgun is none other than Eddie Beverly Jr., our beloved director. (NOTE: The gun makes a sound yet no shots are fired. This happens twice.) Or perhaps an even better nickname would be Roosevelt "Bitchslap" Prophet, since this appears to be his favorite move. Watch that backhand, boys! Since the budget was obviously no issue, I won't make it one here, but they could've at least gave the various guns used in the film different sound effects. Feelin' like a bad action movie that'll have you pleading for a HUNTER re-run, than BALLBUSTER is for you!

Eye of the Stranger (1993)

Heavener VS. Swayze

[1/10 · 29 June 2001]

Do you like cheesey movies? Do you like REALLY bad writing and plot contradictions? Most important...are you a DON SWAYZE fan? If so, this is YOUR movie!!! For some reason, whenever you find Don Swayze, you find other "famous" siblings, and this beauty sports JOE ESTEVEZ as the town drunk/sherrif. I recommend this to BAD MOVIE fans, it has a high laughter factor. And poor Heavener...will he EVER get over his desire to be EASTWOOD? Well, at least most people will never see this, so they won't be disgusted by Oscar winner Martin Landau pimping himself to this low budget notch in David Heavener's belt. ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!