stimpil Reviews

Neverwas (2005)

Not so live from the Toronto International Film Festival

[7/10 · 19 September 2005]

This movie has lots of potential, directed by first-time (well, first feature film at least) director Joshua Stern, and starring big names like Jessica Lange, Nick Nolte, Aaron Eckhart, Brittany Murphy, Alan Cumming, Sir Ian McKellen, and last but DEFINITELY not least, super-awesome retired MTV VJ Bill Bellamy. Oh, and there was this other guy William Hurt that the organizers seemed to make a big deal of but nobody really clapped when they said his name so I'm guessing he's not that important.

The story is about a psychiatrist whose father committed suicide after writing a highly acclaimed and much beloved children's book, Neverwas. He returns to the asylum where his father was once treated to find a job, in hopes of really helping the patients. Once there, he learns some interesting things about his father's story.

The movie overall was good, but it has some significant flaws. There is a love story that is totally unnecessary and contributes nothing to the story uncomfortably wedged in, but that's Hollywood for you. There are also some pretty significant plot holes, and there are many things in the story that aren't really explained very well, and are sort of left to the audience to guess how exactly they happened. Overall, I'd recommend it, but you don't need me to tell you that, because it will more than likely do great at the box office this year. Plus, there's a good chance that Sir Ian McKellen will be nominated for an Oscar this year for his role as Crazy Guy #4, because everybody knows the quickest way to an Oscar nomination is to either gain 50 lbs for a role, play a retard, or play a crazy person.

Afterward, the director answered a few audience questions (which were mostly mundane and asinine), but the highlight was definitely when Nick Nolte (who looked like a Halloween costume and was quite possibly slightly drunk), stumbled up to the microphone to answer a question. He went on and on about what he had for breakfast that day and how when he was a kid he used to fight giants with magic laser beams and whatever the hell else Nick Nolte talks about, I really couldn't understand what he was saying.

All in all, more enjoyable than not.

Must Love Dogs (2005)

If your girlfriend / wife / fiancée asks you to go see this movie, run. Run fast, and run hard.

[4/10 · 14 September 2005]

I got to pick the last five or six hundred films that we've seen in the last few weeks, so when my fiancée asked me if I would go see this movie with her, I agreed.

First point of advice: if your girlfriend / wife / fiancée asks you to go see this movie, run. Run fast, and run hard. Run as far away as humanly possible. Break your eyes. Maim yourself with a tackhammer. Shoot yourself in the face. Do whatever you can to get out of seeing this.

I'm not going to go to the trouble of explaining the plot in detail, because I'm sure we all know how it goes. If you're expecting a romantic comedy where the woman can't find love, then finally does meet the right guy, but some twist of fate causes a misunderstanding which throws things off course, and then everything is resolved after a ridiculous effort of trying to get back together (perhaps with a musical montage of scenes where said woman tries to get her life back on track), then you won't be disappointed. The only difference is, everyone in this movie is divorced. That makes it original.

The movie has basically about five funny moments, which you can see in the preview. Bottom line: don't bother.

Things that bug me about this movie: Every 25-year-old in this movie is portrayed as being either a hussy or a complete idiot. Fortunately, I'm 25 and I'm both.

The aforementioned montage. I went into this movie thinking, I bet anything that there's a montage where she posts different images of herself on the internet and then dates a lot of different guys from the internet. Somehow, I was right and still let down.

Everyone in this movie has a ridiculous job. Diane Lane's character is a preschool teacher; they couldn't have made her inspire more sympathy unless she only worked with cancer patients. The dying kind. That are all 8 years old. And very, very cute. Other characters in the movie have jobs ranging from "pursuing my PhD in American History" to "building handmade boats". Seriously, I'm not making that up.

The divorced woman, who is a preschool teacher, and whose ex-husband was a fireman, lives in one of the biggest, nicest houses I've ever seen. Evidently, wherever this movie is set, preschool teachers make twice as much as doctors where I'm from.

The woman's father (played by Christopher Plummer) has the worst Irish accent I may have ever heard. It would be more believable if he just walked around saying "Top o' the mornin' to ya!" and "You'll never get me Lucky Charms!" to everyone he sees.

Basically, if you have any motivation to see a movie that won't make your head explode with its awfulness, avoid this one. This movie is not only bad, but it's bad for a romantic comedy.

War of the Worlds (2005)

War of the Worlds, the most craptacular movie of the summer!

[5/10 · 13 September 2005]

I'd like to start by saying that War of the Worlds had the potential to be the kicass blockbuster of the summer. Hell, I mean Tom Cruise proposed to a girl to promote the movie. How much more badass can you get? On the surface, the movie has everything you want out of a good popcorn movie: explosions, guns, car chases, aliens, action, and very very loud noises. The only thing missing is a good love story thrown in for good measure.

The basic synopsis is, Tom Cruise plays a really awful divorced dad, there are lightning storms, and then these huge Martian war machines come out of the ground and start vaporizing everybody with these badass heat rays. Tom Cruise and his son and daughter have to try to survive for the next two hours and get to Boston so they can roll the credits and we all get to go home. It seems like a pretty simple premise; however, Steven Spielberg manages to screw it all up.

Here are 10 things that stop this movie from being the summer blockbuster movie and keep it in total suck territory.

10. Plot holes. After a lightning storm, all electronic equipment in the city stops working. Everything. Cars stop driving, radios don't work, flashlights don't turn on, no current is flowing to anything. Regardless, when the big alien machine comes out of the ground for the first time, some guy is filming the whole thing on his camcorder. Jesus, didn't anybody catch that during editing?

9. Alien transport. The aliens are shot in lightning into the Earth, where they board machines that supposedly have been buried under the Earth's surface for millions of years. For the most part, I think the movie follows the themes from the book – but I thought this departure was a huge missed opportunity. In the classic novel by H.G. Wells, the Martians are shot to Earth in large cylinders. Bystanders hear things going on inside them (the aliens are assembling their machines), causing lots of wonder and speculation at what they are... this could have been a really cool buildup, but Spielberg instead opted instead for the instant gratification of in-your-face blow stuff up and loud loud noises instead of conveying a mood.

8. The virus thing. In case you didn't know from hearing the Orson Welles radio play, or from reading the book, or from the glaringly obvious scenes where this plant stuff that the Martians grow gets sick and dies, or from when the Martians are evidently sick, Morgan Freeman comes in a narrative at the end to TELL you all about it. Thanks for beating it into my head with a 9 iron.

7. The shields go down. The Martian war machines have shields so none of our weapons can hit them. Everything just detonates before it makes contact. Fortunately, the first thing that Martians forget to do when they get sick is turn their shields on, and the US Armed Forces are free to blow the heck out of them.

6. Showing the aliens. I never understand why directors feel the need to show the aliens in movies. Look at Alien, one of the best (if not the best) alien-horror movie ever. You only catch fleeting glimpses of the alien until the very end, which totally adds to the horror of being eaten by something unknown. In this movie, aliens play key roles in several scenes, and they just look like crappy cartoons.

5. Stuck in basement. Remember that scene in Night of the Living Dead where all of the characters are stuck in a basement and can't get out? I do too, because it has to end up in almost every movie since then. Evidently, Spielberg never saw Signs (which was also completely craptacular).

4. Tim Robbins is a repeat. Tim Robbins plays the exact same character in this movie that he did in Mystic River. Enough said.

3. Teleport from NY to Boston. Now I understand that when you go to see a movie about alien invasion, there's a considerable amount of suspension of disbelief that you have to commit. On one hand, it's one thing to believe that Martians can board huge war machines and start wiping out the human race. On the other hand, it's a whole different thing to ask me to believe that Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning can get from New York to Boston in a matter of thirty seconds. I might not have a Master's degree in Geography or whatever the hell my hippie liberal neighbors are studying, but I'm pretty sure that's like a five hour drive, and I can't imagine how long it takes to walk there. Especially with Martian war machines trying to kill you the whole way there.

2. Boring second half. The first half of this movie is one hour long. The second half takes two days.

1. The son is still alive. Halfway through the movie, the son leaves to spontaneously join the military group that's hopelessly fighting the Martians... five seconds after he joins them, a huge explosion obliterates everything in sight. Miraculously, not only does he manage to survive the terrible explosion, but he also manages to survive to meet his father and mother in Boston in what might be the most clichéd Hollywood ending in history. Not only do Tom Cruise and his two kids survive, but also their mother, their stepfather, and their grandparents. Give me a break.

The good news for Tom Cruise is that despite being a total scientologist nutjob, he puts on the best performance in the movie. After being upstaged in every movie that he's done since 2002, it's probably a welcome relief.

Bruce Almighty (2003)

Jim Carrey is a funny guy...

[6/10 · 13 September 2005]

I just don't know why he keeps trying to concentrate on pronouncing words incorrectly. That's not comedy, that's a speech impediment.

Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) is a struggling reporter for a local TV station in Buffalo. After some pretty terrible things happen to him, like he's passed over for a promotion, and he gets beaten up by a bunch of Hispanics (Congratulations to Noel Gugliemi for landing the role of 'Hispanic Thug #1' yet again). These kinds of things would ruin anyone's day, I'm sure. He blames God (Morgan Freeman, in another fresh and original role unlike any he has ever undertaken) for all of his problems, like most rational people do, but God has a trick up his sleeve: he's going to give Bruce his powers! Oh, what fun! Instead of making himself master of the world, or a multi-billionaire, Bruce instead abuses his powers in less creative ways, such as to make the dog pee in the toilet, which is probably just what I would do if I were ALL-POWERFUL.

Well, if there's one thing I can't get enough of, it's heart-warming comedies where characters learn something. This is just the type of movie that is just too absent from Hollywood.

Oh, wait, every damn movie that comes out follows this exact same formula. I've been fooled yet again! Damn you Hollywood! Damn you! If you think saying words improperly is funny, this is the movie for you.

Down with Love (2003)

How does a movie that's trying to be over the top manage to go over the top of over the top?

[4/10 · 13 September 2005]

Barbara Novak (Renee Zellweger) is the author of the book Down with Love. Catcher Block (Ewan McGregor) - who the hell comes up with these names - is an all-star reporter. Since his boss, Peter MacMannus (David Hyde Pierce), wants to get some action from Vicki Huller (Sarah Paulson), he tries to set up an interview for Barbara, by Catcher. As she is repeatedly blown off for the interview, Barbara gets more and more frustrated, attacking Catcher on national television, which leads to an underhanded feud for most of the rest of the movie.

In case you couldn't get the SUBTLE jokes, here is a short guide:

In this scene, Catcher and Barbara will seem to be talking on the phone, but what they're really doing is feigning sex acts. In this scene, Catcher and Barbara will seem to be talking about something that isn't sex, but what they're really talking about is sex. In this scene, Catcher and Barbara will seem to be using innuendo, but what they're really doing is annihilating innuendo with a full nuclear onslaught.

As ridiculousness is heaped on top of ridiculousness, the movie totally overshoots its original intentions of parodying the 1960s sex comedy genre, and instead parodies itself.

White Oleander (2002)

I like to feel bad over and over and over again!

[6/10 · 13 September 2005]

The creators of this movie just want to make you feel bad. Over and over.

After her mother, Ingrid (Michelle Pfeiffer), murders her ex-lover, she has to go to prison, leaving Astrid (Alison Lohman) to bounce from foster home to foster home. It seems like every tragedy possible befalls Astrid, and whenever she starts to become happy, she's taken away (due to some terrible tragedy) and tragically moved again, in the neverending quest to see how tragic this movie can be.

It's barely tolerable, and maybe worth a rental, if it's your girlfriend's night to pick.

Auto Focus (2002)

The moral of the story...

[7/10 · 13 September 2005]

Auto Focus is the story of "Hogan's Heroes" star Bob Crane and his "relationship" with John Carpenter.

Basically, Bob Crane (Greg Kinnear) has a starring role in "Hogan's Heroes" and a successful radio show, both of which he leverages to bed women. And he likes porn. Loves it. Loves looking at it, making it, studying it. Lives for it. Two failed marriages and lots of anonymous sexual partners later, he's fat, balding, and washed up. But he still loves porn. When his friend/amateur pornographer/lover John Carpenter (Willem Dafoe) makes a move on him, he freaks out. This rejection ultimately leads to him having his head smashed in.

Moral of the story: let the homosexual stuff his fingers in your butt, or he'll probably smash your head in.

The acting in this movie is good, the photography is fun, but there are a few too many shots of ugly naked girls.

Anger Management (2003)

I was drunk when I saw this movie.

[5/10 · 13 September 2005]

It was in a drunken state that I viewed this movie, so I'll review it in a drunken state. Seriously, I was drunk enough that I even chuckled at parts of the preview for Daddy Day Care.

This wasn't the greatest movie I've ever seen, still, it wasn't the worst, either. However, Adam Sandler is in over his head; let's review the cast:

Jack Nicholson: Three Oscars, Twelve Nominations, appeared in films like The Shining

Marisa Tomei: One Oscar, Two Nominations, appeared in films like Chaplin

Adam Sandler: Nominated for an MTV movie award for Billy Madison and appeared in films like Going Overboard

Well, obviously I was wrong, Sandler fits in perfectly.

I could explain the plot in great detail, but why bother. Dave Buznik (Sandler) doesn't lash out uncontrollably at anyone who pisses him off, so he obviously has a problem. When he is upset at a stewardess, he's arrested and is remanded to the care of Dr. Buddy Rydell (Nicholson). Lots of filler and cameos ensue. Will Dave finally unleash his Fist of the North Star? Will he make a ridiculous marriage proposal in the middle of security guards at a Yankees Game? Will Linda (Tomei) say yes? Will Daddy Day Care gross more than the last 5 Eddie Murphy films combined? Here's a tip: save yourself $8 and just guess. These aren't tough questions.

I thought this movie was funny, but keep in mind that I giggled at Daddy Day Care.

Secretary (2002)

Needs more salt. Wait, no, I meant character development.

[6/10 · 13 September 2005]

The Secretary in question is Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal, who looks disturbingly similar to her brother Jake, yet another sexually disturbing thing in this film), who is released from a mental hospital as this film begins. She's crazy because she cuts herself with implements from a sewing kit, due to her father being an alcoholic (there may be other reasons, but due to the lack of character development, I can only assume). During a particularly crazy moment, she decides to apply for a job as a secretary for Mr. Grey (James Spader), who has a light-up sign outside that advertises the position (sign #1 that this may not be the best place to work).

Mr. Grey is a bad man. He's mean, nasty, and not very pleasant to be around. He kicks puppies (ok, maybe he doesn't kick puppies). Regardless, Lee falls in love with him because she needs someone to dominate her and tell her what to do (and, obviously, to unleash his man-stuff on her back), things she's not getting from her boyfriend Peter (portrayed by Jeremy Davies, whose principal acting talents consist of "looking bewildered" and "having long hair").

This movie is put together very well, most of the acting is good, but it's lacking something, perhaps character development, or a valid climax and resolution. James Spader gives a good performance, despite not having appeared in anything that anybody has seen since Stargate. If you're into S&M films (that aren't porn), this is the film for you.

Ordinary Decent Criminal (2000)

The script needs proofreaders.

[5/10 · 13 September 2005]

I'm pretty sure that this movie is a public service message begging all criminals in the world to move to Ireland. According to the movie, the police in Dublin are by far the stupidest people to be found outside of an Anna Nicole Smith fan club.

Micheal Lynch (Kevin Spacey) is the title ordinary decent criminal. He plans and commits lots of robberies, breaks his associates' hands, and has people killed, but you're supposed to like him because, well, he's played by Kevin Spacey and it is inhuman not to sympathize with any character played by Spacey (except maybe in Se7en, but c'mon, you thought the fat guy had it coming, too). Further, he doesn't seem to be a Mormon, but he seemingly has two wives, Christine (Linda Fiorentino) and Lisa (Helen Baxendale). He commits lots of crimes, which drives the unbelievably inept police crazy, goes up against the IRA, which really pisses them off, and steals a priceless painting (well, not so priceless, the value is repeatedly quoted as 30,000,000 of some odd money measurement), which nobody really seems to care too much about.

I could go into great detail about this movie, but it's really not worth my time. The acting is not bad, the directing is adequate, but the script has plot holes that you could drive space shuttles through. The police repeatedly fall for the "it's not me, but someone with my build and height wearing a mask" trick throughout the movie. At the end, when they believe they've killed Lynch, the police just assume that the unidentifiable body is his. Don't they have dental records in Ireland? Can't anybody at least check his blood type? Obviously, no. They just assume that everything is resolved. They could drastically improve their competency if they hired a team of third graders to point out the obvious idiocies they commit.

This was the longest 94 minute movie I've ever seen.

Phone Booth (2002)

Behold the unbelievable acting prowess of Katie Holmes!!!

[8/10 · 13 September 2005]

The release of Phone Booth was delayed by Fox until April 4, due to the DC sniper attacks, because evidently everyone in the country forgets about such incidents after 6 months. But boy, had they released it within 5 months, I'm sure people would have been fuming.

Phone Booth tells the story of Stu Shepard (Colin Farrell) being pinned down in a phone booth by a sniper because he's a sleaze. Despite his marriage to Kelly (Radha Mitchell), he's been trying to get in the pants of Pamela McFadden (Katie Holmes) pretty hard, but she's not interested because she's a prude. When he is blamed for killing a pimp, Captain Ramey (Forest Whitaker) and a bunch of police show up because Colin Farrell is obviously a pretty dangerous super-villain; they must have seen Daredevil.

Katie Holmes once again gives a stunning performance. How any actress can pull off so much with a repertoire of three different facial expressions is amazing. Here's a little sample of her academy award potential:

Stu calls Katie: crooked smile. Stu says something nice: bigger crooked smile. Stu is about to be shot by a sniper: distraught look (known to the laymen as 'just standing there').

Joel Schumacher directs, the man who takes credit for cinematic feats like putting the nipples on Batman's batsuit, and film atrocities like Bad Company. Even though he pulls off Phone Booth rather well, Schumacher is kind of hit (Falling Down) or miss (most of the rest of his films). At least he never fled the country to avoid rape charges...

Despite a limited set and cast, the movie is pretty good, and hey, if you don't like it, it's only 80 minutes long, so go get a pretzel or some popcorn.

Empire (2002)

I only make comments on bad movies.

[4/10 · 13 September 2005]

I actually intended to see this movie in the theatre. It was actually sold out. I actually went to see Solaris instead, which actually was the worst movie to be released in 2002.

Victor Rosa (John Leguizamo), a tough, streetwise 'street pharmacist', freaks out when he sees a kid get shot, so he decides to go clean and invest all of his money with Jack (Peter Sarsgaard). Things seem to be going pretty well until Jack skips town with his girlfriend Trish (Denise Richards). This happened very late in the movie, so had they not revealed this in the preview, it might have been an interesting twist. But they did, so it's not.

In fact, there's not a single interesting thing about this movie; everything is given away in the preview. If you saw even one preview, you saw the whole movie, so you might just want to think really hard to fill in the gaps. Go to the website, download the preview, save yourself $3.99. There is not a single surprise or twist in the entire film, other than how terrible the soundtrack is.

I hope that whoever was in charge of writing the soundtrack was fired. Twice. Most of it is what music would be like if the only songs allowed to be released were Ricky Martin and Gloria Estefan duets, and (I may shatter the fabric of the space-time continuum with a concept as mind-numbing as this) they both had less talent and musical ability.

The acting is at best poor, the script is at best a crime against humanity, and Denise Richards is at best 67% styrofoam and 33% ziploc bag. You know things are bad when John Leguizamo (he was in The Pest!) upstages the rest of the cast with his acting abilities.

Dreamcatcher (2003)

Stephen King sold the rights to this film for $1.

[3/10 · 13 September 2005]

From the previews, you might be led to believe that Dreamcatcher is a fast-paced, edge of your seat, Stephen King-style thriller.

It's amazing how previews can lead you to believe that yet another tired movie about aliens attempting to destroy humanity for no productive reason other than they're aliens and they need to eliminate humanity because it's their innate nature could actually be a fast-paced, edge of your seat, Stephen-King style thriller. It's also amazing to consider how many soulless executives stamped their seals of approval on it to support the release of a sub-mediocre movie like Dreamcatcher to the general public.

The film begins by presenting four friends (Dr. Henry Devlin, Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon, Gary 'Jonesy' Jones, and Pete Moore, portrayed by Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Damian Lewis, and Timothy Olyphant, respectively) who seem to have strange psychic powers. They all go on a hunting trip, aliens invade, and crazy highjinks ensue! There are enough fart jokes in this movie to entertain any second grade classroom! Fortunately, the four friends have been given crazy abilities by some slow kid named Duddits, played by Donnie Wahlberg.

Donnie Wahlberg? Oh-oh-oh-o-o. The right stuff.

Morgan Freeman reprises his role as 'the older black mentor to younger white person who shows potential but who can make it to the top with a little bit of guidance' from, well, just about every movie he's ever done. Don't get me wrong, I like Morgan Freeman, and I think he's the best actor in the world to play 'the older black mentor to younger white person who shows potential but who can make it to the top with a little bit of guidance' but he has nothing to work with in this script. One of his lines, seriously, is "25 years, I've been fighting these alien bastards..." I'm not making that up. He and Tom Sizemore play government agents (with some of the poorest dialogue ever) that combat evil alien invasions.

I read somewhere that Stephen King sold the movie rights to this film for $1. I think he made out pretty well on the deal.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Rob Zombie had been trying to get this film made for years, and unfortunately, Universal decided to let him.

[1/10 · 13 September 2005]

Four kids are writing a book about roadside attractions. At Captain Spaulding's Museum, they learn about the legend of Dr. Satan (Dr. Satan? Now that's just silly). They decide to investigate, and of course, these meddling kids (but no silly dog) don't solve any crimes. They end up at The House of Poor Acting and Recyled Story lines, where carnage ensues. The rednecks there overuse the word "pussy" so much that you may be led to believe that you're either in a no-kill cat shelter or talking about guys in attendance at a Rob Zombie concert. Moronic police investigate, and there's a great (by great, I mean terribly boring) 90 second scene (which seems to last for agonizing days), that's supposed to be suspenseful (but is actually ridiculously stupid), with a redneck's gun against a cop's head. That's actually the most original thing in the film, because no other director in history would ever waste that much time or film shooting it.

One common aspect of horror movies is that the characters are likable, you're supposed to want to root for them. These kids are all assholes. I was glad to see them get slashed.

Rob's idea of "artistic directing" is to throw in a couple of nonsensical negative or distorted images between every couple of scenes. It doesn't work. It's a waste. I can't say a single good thing about this movie. It borrows, no, steals, its content from every other horror movie ever made. I would tell Rob to go back to his day job, but he's not very good at that, either (did you hear anything off of his last album?). There is not a single original idea, scene, character, or shot in this entire movie. It's so bad, the host from MTV's Singled Out is in a starring role. Due to this movie, I'm starting a campaign to ban film in the USA.

Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

I walked out of a movie.

[1/10 · 13 September 2005]

I did something I've never done before.

I walked out of a movie.

Even though I wanted to, I didn't even walk out of House of 1,000 Corpses. Usually, I figure, I've paid $8 to see this film, I'll sit through it. Tonight that changed. The real Intolerable Cruelty is subjecting people to this crap AND making them pay for it.

George Clooney plays Miles Massey, an expert divorce attorney who is getting bored with being in bad movies. Catherine Zeta-Jones plays a Marylin Rexroth, a gold-digger who is in this film because she must have lost a bet. There are other people in the movie, but I won't embarrass them with credits. This whole film is like a drunk and ditzy girl at the party - she might be nice to look at, but don't get too close, or you'll be bored to sleep with her silly conversation, or vomited upon.

I like George Clooney, but no actor/actress carries out a good performance in this train wreck. The jokes are not only not funny (nothing is quite as hilarious as divorce, except maybe domestic violence), but are so worn-out and tired, they actually sucked the humor out of other movies. It's just another formulaic romantic comedy, and an especially boring one at that.

I blame it on 'reel ass' syndrome. There gets to be a point in any popular director's life, where if that director so much as directs his ass toward a reel of film, a substantial number of people will see the movie. The Coen brothers, credited with great films like The Big Lebowski and The Man Who Wasn't There, have done just that. These asses stink.

Runaway Jury (2003)

Runaway Jury: Very Vanilla

[5/10 · 13 September 2005]

This movie wasn't great. It wasn't bad. It was a pretty typical seedy John Grisham court drama. It's clever and suspenseful, but it's formulaic. It's not even surprising that there's a 'surprise' ending.

Basically, the movie is about a trial involving a murder victim's widow suing a gun manufacturer for damages. The prosecution and defense hire teams of top legal experts. The prosecution is led by straight-shooter Wendell Rohr (Hoffman). The defense hires jury selection consultants, led by Rankin Fitch (Hackman), who attempt to fix the jury (and the verdict). Unfortunately, one of the jurors they select is Nicholas Easter (Cusack), who seems to have his own ulterior motives. Marlee (Weisz) plays Easter's girlfriend who is pulling all of the strings in the legal puppet show.

This is one of those movies that have overly pretentious characters that seem to know everything about everything. In one of the first courtroom scenes, one of the legal advisors, Amanda Monroe (Marguerite Moreau, you may remember her from the crime against humanity "Queen of the Damned") walks into the courtroom and says, "You smell that? 200-year-old mahogany." Who, in real life, says these kinds of things? Who knows what kind of wood, and its age, by walking into a room and smelling? Where are these superior human beings bred, and why haven't I seen any outside of this type of movie? Lots and lots of high-profile and B-list actors are in this movie, likely because of the message. This type of movie always fetches lots of troops rallying to the cause. The gun control undertones come across as preachy, but not over-the-top preachy like in "The Life of David Gale" with the death penalty. What saves it from crossing the line is the way they present the case against the gun manufacturer - it is blaringly obvious that they were targeting criminals and devious activity with their advertisements and negligent in their methods of sale and promotion.

If you see this movie, you probably won't take much away from it. It isn't innovative or ground breaking. If you've seen movies that Gary Fleder has directed, and you've seen movies adapted from John Grisham novels, and you've seen these actors perform, you'll have a good idea of what to expect from this film. Everyone gives an adequate performance. It's entertaining, and I'm not disappointed, but forming a strong opinion about this film is difficult.

My recommendation is, if you wanted to see it, see it. If you weren't considering it, don't see it.

Radio (2003)

The worst movie I've seen in at least 3 hours.

[3/10 · 13 September 2005]

It should've been called "Coach Jones and His Pet Retard" because they thought they could make a great movie by having a washed-up actor play a retarded man doing odd things for two hours. As everyone in Hollywood knows, the quickest way to get acclaim as an actor is to play a retarded guy. Unless, of course, you're Cuba Gooding Jr., whose best role ever was in Jerry Maguire, and hasn't done anything even remotely commendable since (except maybe "Snow Dogs" or "Boat Trip" - God, does this guy even READ the scripts before he agrees to a movie?).

Ed Harris plays Coach Jones, a football coach who really wants his team to win but has a soft spot for retarded people because he knew one who was caged under a porch when he delivered papers as a boy (I'm not making that up, that's really the explanation).

Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Radio, a retarded guy who really likes, get this, radios. They have lots of adventures coaching football and eating pie.

Lots of emotional, heart-touching, gripping, sappy stupid over-the-top stuff happens in this movie.

One thing I can say about this movie: it was definitely retarded.

(I don't mean to sound insensitive about retarded people, I just hate when Hollywood makes a movie sensationalizing it so that the rednecks in the theatre can say things like, "Gee, them 'tards sure is funny!")

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Note to Rob Zombie: this is how you do an homage.

[8/10 · 13 September 2005]

Zombie to-do list:

1. Eat brains

2. Moan a lot

3. Look messed up

4. MEmnNASmAMmNa UHHhhhuhhh

5. Eat brains

Gone is the subtle, serious horror of Romero's Night of the Living Dead; fortunately, it's been replaced with funny, suspenseful, and action-packed scenes. It plays kind of like a Resident Evil video game, which may or may not be appealing to you. I thought it kicked ass.

This movie jumps right into the action, giving you only about 3 minutes of background and build-up. Anna (played by Canuck Sarah Polley) is a nurse, people start turning into Zombies, and she high-tails it out of her neighborhood. It sounds terse, but it all happens about that fast. She meets up with a few other survivors, and they hide out in the local mall, fighting for survival. Sure, they're stuck in a shopping mall, hiding from hordes of vicious zombies, but think of all the great stuff they can get at Sears!

The oddest thing about this movie is, after we left, I actually had a discussion with my girlfriend about whether or not I would "kill" her if she turned into a zombie. Yes, an actual conversation. I couldn't convince her that the only things on a zombie's mind are "Eat brains" and "MEmnNASmAMmNa UHHhhhuhhh"; she was upset that I would do my duty to humanity and destroy the undead version of her.

I think a milestone in any relationship is when you can come to terms with the fact that your partner would eradicate your living corpse - I think I stole that from a Hallmark card.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

I know nothing about movies.

[9/10 · 13 September 2005]

Charlie Kaufman has once again written a memorable, unique screenplay that will have people leaving the theatre thinking, "WTF?" Joel Barish (Jim Carrey, you may or may not remember him from "Rubberface" in 1983, he hasn't really been doing much since, given his love for vacationing in the jungles of Siberia) is a typical "nice" guy; he keeps to himself, and, not unlike a giraffe, is fearful of human interaction. At a party, he meets up with Clementine Kruczynski (newcomer Kate Winslet, I think that we'll be seeing more from this young lady), who is vibrant and full of energy, the "yin" to Joel's "yang" (God, that was the most clichéd BS I've ever written).

After a tumultuous relationship, Clementine decides, on a whim, to erase her memories of Joel, an act which prompts him to do the same (if you could really do that, I would erase my memories of seeing "House of 1000 Corpses", as well as that time I saw my grandmother in leather hot pants). Most of the movie takes place inside Joel's head during his memory erasure, as he decides he doesn't really want to lose her, and fights to remember.

This movie is quirky, funny, intriguing, and brilliant. It might not be the movie for everyone, but it's definitely worth mentioning.

Blood Work (2002)

WOW

[1/10 · 19 August 2002]

This was the worst movie I have seen in at least two years. This was a fine example of what happens when you allow someone so deep into Alzheimer's to direct a film. My favorite parts of the film were trite lines such as "I'll just let her heart guide me" and sudden revelations such as "she gave blood!" Don't waste your time. Time is better spent driving rusty nails into your feet.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Waste of 200M$

[4/10 · 17 May 2002]

After the grand disappointment of Star Wars Episode I, Lucas has hit us again with a monstrous waste of time and money. Given, the first and last parts of the movie are exciting and entertaining, but the middle did the greatest justice to the "megastars" of daytime television I believe I have ever seen. Star Wars Episode II may even be nominated for a daytime Emmy for employing laid-off writers from "General Hospital" - the romantic writing rivals even the worst trashy romance novels. It is hard to believe that a Harvard student, such as Natalie Portman, could deliver cliched lines like "I've been dying a little each day since you came back" with a straight face.

The removal of the annoyances of JarJar Binks is welcome, but the void is filled with nuisances of TERRIBLE one-liners from C-3PO.

Standing alone, this movie would not be so bad, but comparing it with Star Wars Episodes IV, V, and VI leaves it so far behind that the analogy is like comparing Heather Graham to an actress.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

The biggest disappointment of the summer.

[2/10 · 30 June 2001]

Well, what to say about this movie. I had been looking forward to it for about 3 or 4 months, even checking out the weird subplot on the internet, eagerly anticipating June 29. I was so wrong.

I went into the movie hoping to see something that would spawn its own culture, something like Star Wars (it did, in fact, have an Ewok). Through the first third of the movie, I thought that may come true. There were plenty of interesting emotional, uncomfortable, and just plain weird scenes. At points you can almost understand exactly what is going on with the family.

Then something heinous happens. The whole rest of the movie is just crap. There are only about 3 good scenes in the rest of this 2:25 waste of time. For the first 5 or 10 minutes after the first 'act' I tried unbelievably hard to suspend my disbelief. This movie just got too silly.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Chris Rock (I really should have seen Pootie Tang instead, this movie was that disappointing), but he has no place as a cameo in this movie. It's just uncalled for. The middle scenes are just too ridiculous to watch. In this time, we watch Jerry Springer (and the rest of the insults to humanity), but I can't imagine society deteriorating so much that people will want to sit around and watch robots be destroyed (even now, Comedy Central can't beg for an audience for that damn Battle Bots show, and those robots actually do something), especially in an arena setting. It's just stupid. I would have been much happier if someone had struck me dead before I had to endure any of this.

The rest of the movie is spent not explaining some things, pulling ideas out of nowhere, and explaining other things too much. The ending (epilogue?) is just ridiculous. It was everything I could do to not burst into laughter in the middle of the theatre. 'The space-time continuum has a memory' - give me a break. The worst thing is that all of the people around me were really interested. They're like, 'oooh, aliens' and 'is that what aliens look like' - NO! It's a piece of fiction, A poor piece at that! I actually heard people walk out of the theatre saying, 'That was different.' Of course it was. Different from something good.

I just can't believe that I wasted 2:25 of my life in this movie; I feel robbed. I just wish that I hadn't been waiting so long for such a piece of crap.

2.0/10