vlahov Reviews

The Color of the Chameleon (2012)

Extremely stupid. Sinfully pale. Shocking putrid. Beware!

[1/10 · 18 January 2014]

I cannot understand for the life of me the positive reviews this stinker is having. As many (i.e. almost every single one) of the modern attempts of the so called "Bulgarian contemporary cinema", this is one of the most standing examples of putrid pretentiousness to the extreme. Whatever a stinker has you can name it: borrowing so many times from known movies; needless and utterly helpless "philosophy" conversations, completely pointless to the times described and even to the script (it needs to show us how smart the screenwriter really is) - in other words, no one except the sick mind of the screenwriter can and will speak like that; also completely unusual stultification of the communist times - giving in mind the screenwriter has lived in that times and apparently was able to benefit from all goods the "elite" then was able to - which ordinary people still call "hypocrisy". Moreover, the movie is a total mess - no composite ideas, just void mockery and parody for the sake of it. Useful for the brainless American audience who has never heard of the Communism apart from the Iron Curtain clichés, which is as good as the Soviet propaganda while ago.

Totally pointless and gruesome effort, avoid at all costs. The book also sucks big time.

One More Dream (2012)

No, it is NOT that good. Not a comedy at all. In fact, this is rubbish!

[1/10 · 13 September 2013]

I am only writing this humble review to protect my fellow Bulgarians (who else would watch this junk), and may I add that I sincerely hope it won't be distributed elsewhere for it is a shame even for me, who's not taking part in the production.

Where to start. Uhm. Having seen this on one of our private TV channels, here's what comes to mind. This stinker is nothing more and nothing less than the last but not least try to imitate the modern bad American comedies. It does that with mediocre to awful direction, plus of course the worse possible casting & acting. As usual the so called actors mumbles under their noses and even I, being native Bulgarian, cannot hear at least half of what they are saying. There is no witty or even funny dialog and it is not one of the "so bad it is good" B-movies. It is Z-movie (beyond bad). There is no measure for the lack of qualities this movie possesses. As for the high rating - I guess they have as much as 126 people in the cast to give it an 8 rating - which is simply ridiculous.

In total - avoid this one like a plague. Do NOT watch, if you have any self-respect left.

The Sopranos (1999–2007)

Sorry, 9.5 out of 10? Genial? Nah

[1/10 · 20 March 2009]

I am so sorry to say but this disgusting piece of turds is the most overrated and hyped thing in the history of the American television. Come on, nine and one half out of ten? This is almost genial! Let Kurosava comes out of the other land to commit again harakiri looking at these series! Let me count out the low downs:

• First, the script. Almost all the episodes consist of violence which is put there just for the entertainment; the mob bosses are present as normal human being, there is absolutely no reality in none of the episodes with minor exceptions. All in all, this is inept remake of Good fellas + Scarface + The Godfather (may God forgive me for the blasphemy of putting this sh*t in line with these fine movies!)

I don't know why the common intelligence in the American audience has fallen so low to accept this turd as an entertainment and to praise it as if it is the totem of film making, the only thing ever created since God created Earth.

The sole idea of depicting criminals as good fellas and to glorify them as heroes is rotten from the bottom of it. Having wrong ideas of the whole cosa nostra is idiotic. Having them mystified and glorified is moronic.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Ivan Vasilyevich Changes His Profession (1973)

Brilliant!

[10/10 · 21 February 2009]

I would like to propose to IMDb to unmercifully deny Americans to comment foreign (to them) movies, especially when everything they have ever heard of a country which the movie is made in /times it describes was/is a cliché. You cannot comment something you don't understand and especially when you cannot possibly understand it in lifetime. Likewise you cannot comment Pythagorus theorem when you're not mathematician or Eifel Tower if you are not architect, you cannot criticize gem of comedy for being silly when you don't understand it in first place. You can, however, tell the others that its been silly TO YOU, just because YOU are used to toilet-drawn "humor", with silliness and stupidness you see in every modern American comedy which has gone its way from stardom in 50's to 80s to total drop down quality nowadays. _Shoe maker, do not watch above the shoes!_ And leave masterpieces like this one alone. If you're American, this is probably not your movie for the evening. Go grab the American Pie 10 instead.

Zift (2008)

How to make a (good) bad movie which is still trash

[1/10 · 3 February 2009]

My on my, where to start with... First of all, I really truly madly deeply wanted to like this movie. It couldn't be otherwise because prior to the premiere there was such a big media invasion on all the TV and radio stations and Javor Gardev was flowing from water and gas pipes telling us how f.cking great this movie is. So I went and paid 5 euro for the ticket (this is about 1/20th of the minimal month salary here). Then I entered the cold and ugly, almost socialistic dirty theater and tuned myself for watching a masterpiece. Then I was blown away. But not with something great. Literally the first words shows how poor in soul the scriptwriter and the director were. It starts with showing feces, stupidity, foul language, genitals and unusual sex scenes like some B-movie from the 80's. The script is inevitably bad, even for a post soc Bulgarian movie, with plot holes larger than black hole in the Universe and wooden and totally meaningless lines filled with pretentious philosophical stereotypes. All the time I was getting into the impression I was watching someone's training work. Well, not really. There are so many snitches from well known movies and directors that I can't really count all of them. As if Gardev was getting into Tarantino's mind (but without having all the money) and was assembling a movie from the small pieces of all the movies he had been watching.

Some of them include:

• Main idea snatched from "Crank" (the main character is poisoned and ought to die in one night, so the whole action takes one night)

• Script snatched from "Snatch" (the run for the (black) diamond and other ideas)

• Slow motion and other moves from "Trainspotting"

• Scenes taken directly from "Pulp Fiction" (the torture scene with Bruce Willis at the basement)

• Scenes taken directly from "Sin City" (for example when Bruce Willis falls on the board)

• Script snatched from "Revolver" (the main character ought to die in several hours so he starts giving a sh*t about everything)

• Scenes snitched from the TV movie "Statskiy Sovetnik" (The State Counsellor) at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450158/ - the run in the women's bathroom and other scenes

Then it becomes even funnier. There are two scenes snitched directly from soc classic series here in Bulgaria (I am sure you have never heard of them, but count on my words, it was truly classic) - "Na vseki kilometar" (At each kilometer) at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0238439/, I used to notice two entirely copied scenes - the chasing in the Perlova River's channel, the tramway pioneer's sequence...

All in all, I must say that using a foul language coupled with totally unbelievable, grotesque and inane characters does NOT a great movie made. Besides, the actor's play was bad to mediocre, with the only two noticeable exceptions - the main character Moth and Djoko Rossich, who is well known cinema professional. This is something most new Bulgarian movies suffer with - no one of the good theatrical actors have any experience with cinema, and I am constantly under impression I am watching TV version of the theatrical play. The lead female character was past all belief bad. Having really good actresses here I can't really explain why non-professional was ever cast. Her eroticism was non-existent. Even the sex scene at the end was flat and empty. At the very predictable end I was empty. I know that the movie has to have some double or hidden meaning, but the people in the audience doesn't seem to have caught it. BTW, from about 50 people in the theater I was one of the dozen ones to watch the movie till the end. And that's saying something. This is soctrash movie with no value so I don't recommend anyone watching it.

Threat Matrix (2003–2004)

One to avoid

[1/10 · 22 December 2008]

Now we were chosen to be tortured with this disgusting piece of blatant American propaganda. It came no wonder for me that this is admired by most American viewers and hated by Europeans. This show is made for Americans - it is too stupid and full with hatred and clichés to be admitted elsewhere. Almost everyone involved must be return to school, acting is utterly predictable and bad, script is pile of garbage all round. operator work is ground zero etc. etc.

You have been warned. It doesn't even have "guilty pleasure" entertainment for those brainwashed iq=0 human beings.

I wish I could enter negative values, admins? Anyone?

The Office (2005–2013)

Stupid, stupidest ... The Office (US)

[1/10 · 27 October 2008]

Well you know, it's been 5th episode of the first season shown here from one of our national wide TV stations, but it is enough to make an opinion. Having already seen thanks to the Internet the British version (I mean the original one), which was funny indeed, I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that this American remake as most American remakes is the most inane, stupid and putrid show that I have ever seen since ELR. Most of all it is NOT BLOODY FUNNY, it is not funny at all, can not bring even a smile on my face, and I am not known as one who was born without sense of humor, you know. Almost everyone of the cast are empty and full of boredom, the situations are simply plain awful and not funny at all. Why this turkey has won Golden Globe is truly beyond me. Well, not really. It seems to me that the public taste in America has fallen so low that is beyond comprehension. Ah yes, and Golden Globe and Emmy awards are simply given to every show around in order for the better profit.

P.S. Now we're at Season 2, final episode and it's getting even worse! P.S.S. Thanks God, they have canceled it here after season 2 due to low raitngs.

Spin City (1996–2002)

Juvenile, stupid jokes

[1/10 · 25 June 2008]

Despite the fact there are funny moments here and there, the main problem with this show is (like all US recent productions) that this is strictly American oriented one. What does it mean? The jokes are juvenile, stupid and utterly predictable; mostly sex oriented, mostly homophobic and anti feminist oriented. There is nothing funnier than showing someone with his girlfriend implying they had sex with animals or someone saying he has been pig fender. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Nothing oriented for audience with more than 2 brain cells. I am sorry, this is not my piece of cake. 1/10 from me. More lines are needed. Nothing more to say except to keep these sitcoms for yourself, gentlemen.

CSI: Miami (2002–2012)

What I dislike most of it is ...

[1/10 · 1 February 2008]

That this show is simply a show, something that is meant to entertain and not to make you think. This is done American way - as simple as possible, as impossible as possible, as predictable as possible, as easy to swallow as possible. Do not and I repeat DO NOT confuse it with the original series. This is crap to anyone with more than 2 brain cells of use. The scriptwriters must've been recruited from a primary school - we cannot otherwise explain the lack of originality and the whole world of errors that emerge in every single episode. Clues that appears as soon as they're needed, always stupid suspects that A) are awaiting for the cops to come and arrest them; or/and B) leaving crucial evidence of a crime in the crime scene so the mighty Horatio (which is loathsome mockery with the Shakespeare's immortal Hamlet) can interfere. He is always right, he is carrying his head always climbed right so he can look more intelligent, he is carrying gun with intention to use it in every possible moment, the feelings of fear are unknown to him. There are no such things as corrupt cops and always and I mean really always the suspect is found and captured at the end with absolutely the right decision. The suspect always confess at the end, showing every possible remorse a suspect can give, leaving nothing to the judges to prove just because of the wonderful Horatio's job done. The evil is punished and the children may now go to bed. An ideal world, isn't it? The reality - there are plenty of wrong convicted persons serving time s in prison for crimes they do not commit. Showing ideal world does not help the society as whole for wrong hopes can do more harm than just showing crimes.

I wouldn't be so critical if this hadn't been taken itself so seriously.

Something to avoid. Stick to the original series, at least they do have more accomplished writers.

Rat Race (2001)

The mere irony of this indeed good slapstick is that ...

[4/10 · 15 November 2007]

The director Jerry Zucker, the writer Andy Breckman and all Jewish and non Jewish producers, to name Zucker's family amongst them, really gives a rat... ass about feeding the Earth. Its good to believe in miracles and to think the world is good place. Unfortunately you just cannot, after you watch this funny and not thought provoking movie. It is like a dry bread - you eat it, but it is not tasty enough, even that it foods you. What else to be said. Given the opportunities of better director, this movie has had all chances to become a classic. Unfortunately it ain't, it is also not something that did better to anyone except producers bank accounts.

The Unit (2006–2009)

Wretched and pitiful yet entertaining for American people with washed brain cells

[1/10 · 14 October 2007]

This is the most putrid thing put ever on screen. Completely made for the American audience with IQ equal or less one. Shameless, pathetic propaganda reminding me of the similar obscene movies made by the Soviets long time ago in the ages of the Iron Curtain. The US agents are always right, enemies are always the stupidiest and the worst creatures ever come to life and the US government's making the best possible moves they can do all the time. And they lived happily ever after. In reality - total washed brain junk made to those incapable of thinking and having their own opinions. Ideal for misleading and cheating the incompetent and ignorant people around. eye candy for the movie diabetic. 1/10 (don't take us for complete morons, Hollywood!)

Largo Winch (2001–2003)

Bad, worst, "Largo"

[1/10 · 29 September 2007]

Come on, people! I read the above comments and cannot believe my eyes. How come you be so stupid and give this a chance? This is the stupidest TV sitcom I've seen in YEARS. The acting is SO BAD, the directing is awful. The cameraman moves the camera just like a first grade school boy would move it... In summary: DON'T WATCH IT! SAVE YOUR TIME FOR SOMETHING ELSE! In addition: why am I required to put 10 lines commenting something that does NOT deserve a single one? Who am I? Why have I come to the Earth? these are the questions that have NOT been answered when watching Largo. and also ... make a product that even a fool can use and ...

United 93 (2006)

Awful.

[1/10 · 1 September 2007]

So I am required to put 10 lines for this. Let me begin with the statement that I truly regret for the lives of the innocent victims who died on 9/11, both on the two Towers and in the planes involved. I'd be human without soul if I haven't. Still I have firm opinion that this movie is shameless piece of sh*t and should have never been made. The reasons - it is completely fiction, based on no facts whatsoever, the plot is imaginary and sucked out of the fingers. Actually there unfortunately are no any clear evidence of what had happened on the board so the speculations may begin. Here we have evil Arab terrorists kidnapping plane with plastic knives (no, this is not "Is there a pilot on the plane" 2). For me the circumstances - that not a single body was found (they simply vaporized), as well as explosives of any kind but still the plane exploded (I remember the CNN news that day and have recorded it on tape) are enough to not trust the original version. The real problem is so many American people believes blindly to what The Government says. So blessed the fools are. Also, I noticed that despite the dullness of a movie, there will always be a bunch of vivid fans shouting "Oh my God, this is the best movie ever!" I am telling you this before some user feels offended of truth and report this for being abusing.

Thanks of a Grateful Nation (1998 TV Movie)

Propaganda at its finest

[1/10 · 1 September 2007]

What this movie fails from answering is how wrong this war is (and most US wars recently made only to get some oil).

How many innocent civilian casualties there has been, how many lives perished and how blatantly stupid the perpetrators are.

So, let me ask you - if American soldier kills women and children apart from enemy, its OK, but if government accidentally kills their own forces by deadly chemicals while killing many civilians as well, it is not? Your logic fails, gentleman.

I'll give it 5 for the solid performance and 1 to everything else, 3 in total.

Transformers (2007)

Transformers - a diagnose of the modern American society taste (or lack of)

[1/10 · 28 August 2007]

Well, it isn't the "movie" itself which is bothering me. Mr Bay hasn't betrayed his usual bad way of film-making, or not making film at all. He certainly has no clue of directing and is the world's worst director of all times, putting Ed Wood deeply behind, but for no apparent reason is loved by Americans too. This is something I could not explain. What we have here is some ludicrous attempt backed with money and nothing else. Like some boy who was playing with so expensive toys Mr Bay has shown us he would do the same thing over and over again, just because someone down there gives green light for his movies. The flaws are so many I cant bear to count. The script is non existing. They could hire a schoolboy who would do better than current one. For those that yell "but this is only a remake of the animated cartoon series so what script goddamn it" I'll answer that even the bad movies around often have acceptable scripts. This is just a turkey. For 2 and a half long hours we are pressed to watch something that cant decide for itself what it wants to be - a cheap teen comedy with insulting jokes, sleazy romantic drama or parody in the end of the long run. Everything except what its pretending to be. The fact that imbecile movies like that one are given such high ratings (I kid you not, this one has greater ratings than The Godfather and The Deer Hunter!) is truly, madly, deeply beyond me. It says something for the American society as whole. It seems that so many people can go to something so low and cheap that it becomes nearly a tragedy. I am so happy of not sharing it.

What really bothers me (and surely pisses me off) is the fact this turd wrapped in toilet paper is so highly praised and received so great ratings here. What's wrong with you guys? No, I mean, seriously - are you all so easily amused? From such things as masturbation and pee jokes? Have you fallen so low that Marianas Trench is not deep enough for you? I keep asking these questions who might be never answered...

Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2001–2011)

Well, actually

[1/10 · 27 August 2007]

This show actually sucks. And it sucks because of the premise, because of the exploitation of the lower instincts left in the human body and mostly because of the all knowing detective genius Vincent D'Onofrio. In the real life, no one from the law enforcement agency has any possible right to abuse, yell and rant at the suspect without any proves. In the real world the cases are not so easily solved. In the real world, perverts and criminals are all around us but unfortunately, undeservedly, they do not acknowledge crimes as soon as someone wise ass from the police begins yelling at them. Not all suspects are psychologically abused maniacs who are on the edge of their nerves just as to allow some wise ass to smash them at the interrogation room. It is not real. After a few episodes it becomes perfectly clear that it is mr Wolf who has won (the money), not the audience. Cope with that.

Air Force One (1997)

,,, and instead of that you got

[1/10 · 21 June 2007]

An imbecile, a liar and a coward for president. Someone who was so fetching afraid of his ally (Bulgaria) that Secret Service agents ORDERED the soldiers from President's escort company to remove the bayonets from their riffles which of course were empty of bullets too. He was so fetching afraid that even the police who were supposed to protect him were disarmed. This movie is so blatant propaganda it is shame for everyone that has created it. Apart from that, the enemies since long time ago are not the Russians. We all know who exactly they are and who exactly they were before becoming an US enemies. Right - they were friends and protected and working with CIA help and American taxpayers money. So don't give us bullshits for breakfast with this, excuse me, movie. 0 points from me.

Numb3rs (2005–2010)

Empty and biased

[1/10 · 6 May 2007]

I can literally say what the creators have thought. "Let's make show that's little different. Let us add some math to the average suspense law enforcement show and let us trick the audience that they are smart by explaining witty words such as "iterations" in simple words which are carried out by one of the main characters. This way both parts are happy. Let us show some real smart guy or at least someone who looks like. Let him be Jewish to please the producers who also are Jewish."

excerpt from tonight's episode: "how can they do such things?" (carrying dope in women's bodies) "you know, there are certain countries where people are happy to receive as much as $50/week. Imagine what would happen if they are offered $5000"

Heh.

In total:

Acting - 2/10 Script - 1/10

In total - 1.5/10

Desire (2006)

Absolutely unrealistic and stunningly bad

[1/10 · 5 April 2007]

I am sorry. I am so sorry that one of our TVs has decided to air it. It seems that the screenplay writers had absolutely no intention to do anything. Give them mediocre actors with pretty faces, and that's it. Sitcoms like this make Hillary Duff like Sir Lawrence Olivie. None of the performers can be remembered, the plot is absolutely awful, writing so bad it makes me thinking it has been done by second grade schoolboy. Remember - to be pretty does NOT necessarily mean you CAN act. Especially when you have such bad script. To the script writers - please, please watch more Latino soaps, they are much more meaningful of what you've created.

1/10

Seinfeld (1989–1998)

Worthless and mega overrated

[1/10 · 28 March 2007]

After seeing the complete first season and some of the series of the second one, I must admit that it is not ELR or even "Friends" that's the most overrated sitcom of all times, but it is Seinfeld instead. Really why everyone (in America) thinks this is the best thing Hollywood Gods has created since Adam & Eve is truly beyond me. This is the most unoriginal, putrid and unfunny thing created since WW I. I am stunned, I really am. It happens once in a while to have some laugh, but never ROTL. And don't you dare to compare it to classics like Fawlty Towers or Benny Hill or mister Bean series. These have so much in common as the lamb and the lion have - they are both animals, but that's about it. Why do Americans use to laugh on something not even particularly funny is also beyond me, but still I can relate it to the (lack of) American culture. Europeans do not need to see this sitcom. You _HAVE BEEN WARNED_.

P.S This show has good side, too. It is slowly and painfully coming to an end. On Jan 5, 2008 the very last episode will be shown here.

Taxi 4 (2007)

Taxi 4 - the dumbest of the series. Hopefully there won't be Taxi 5

[1/10 · 8 March 2007]

Such a sorrow in the heart is to say this is the dumbest thing produced by Besson ever. No wonder why such a brilliant actor as Marion Cotillard have decided to not participate. The so called plot is being tied with white string all over, not to say about the moronic behaviors of all characters. Monsier Besson obviously was in deeper need of cash, there is no other explanation of such a turkey. The final scene where commissar Gilbert is trying to demolish his entire team by shooting them first with machine gun then with missiles is so pathetic it's even funny. Hopefully this is the very end of the merchandise. This movie does not deserve 10th line but here it is - I give it 1/10 just because of the old glory.

The Grid (2004)

One side, one dimensional. Don't fool yourself - this is NOT British POV

[1/10 · 5 March 2007]

This is not something that pretends to be reality. Don't fool yourself. This is constantly yankee point of view of what terrorists are. You will never understand the real reasons that are to turn someone from average citizen to cold blooded terrorist. After all, that is what cinema are to tell us - the roots. None here. All characters are one sided and one dimensional. Pure binary representatives of human characters which cannot be seen in the real life. Apart from awful acting and numerous factual errors, this is just pure propaganda series which are meant to be shown only in America and I am mostly disturbed our local TV decides to show it at prime time.

1/10 from me and that is more than it deserves.

World Trade Center (2006)

Total and big disappointment! Non-American viewers, beware!

[1/10 · 25 November 2006]

First, I vote 1 for this dreadful piece of celluloid just because IMDb hadn't provided negative votes yet. Absolutely big disappointment coming from one of the finest directors of all time - Oliver Stone. Having in mind that he directed such masterpieces as JFK and Naturally born killers, I have no excuse for him making such blatant propaganda movie except for the paycheck. Every single cliché you name it, you have it here. Patriotism is flowing from every possible hole, the opposite of smart Bush showing like a cockroaches from every frame. Yes, for sure, Americans do deserve to have such idiotic film made for such tragic event, so let them have it. A apropos, when do we have movie about more than half million innocent civilians killed in Iraq by Americans? For all those women and children cold-heartedly slaughtered and maimed by American soldiers and not even statistically put as collateral damages? A movie about how the US invasion of Iraq provoked and increased the uniting of the world terrorism in that poor country? Where is THAT movie, mister Stone?

Three Men and a Baby (1987)

Not bad at all, but not as good as the original

[5/10 · 23 September 2006]

Am I the first one to notice that this is a blatant remake of the great french movie http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090206/ named "Three man and a cradle" ? Am I the first one to notice that Hollywood once again steals and does that in purpose?

In general, the performances are good, but if you want the real thing, watch "Trois hommes et un couffin" instead. Get the subtitled version regardless if you speak French or not. I can guarantee satisfaction :)

5/10 from me.

And just because I need 10 lines to finish this review - This is all I wanted to say.

ALF (1986–1990)

Great ! I wish those years back !

[10/10 · 14 August 2006]

One of the greatest US products made for TV. I really wish I could travel in time back some years so I can regain the endless joy of viewing the series for the first time. The dialog is full of fresh jokes, no sexual offending or humiliating ones like in Friends for example. It reminds me to the classics like Kermit's show or Jack Lemmon's Some like it hot *my absolute top 1 movie of all time* It is so sad that entertainment like this one is never been created, it is not good for the entertainment industry as a whole. But who knows, maybe we're cursed with the ancient Chinese curse "to live in the interesting times" I give it wholeheartedly 10/10 and highly recommend it for viewing/renting/buying the DVDs. I really do hope DVDs will be shipped to Europe soon.