deamond9 Reviews

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Disappointing

[3/10 · 22 July 2007]

SPOILER ALERT If you could make a movie about Galactus, the biggest and most powerful villain in Marvel mythos, a being capable of actually consuming planets, What would you do? What sorts of cool shots would you do? Well, I for one would actually HAVE HIM IN THE MOVIE. This is like having the hypothetical concept of King Kong alluded to for 90 minutes rather than actually having a giant monkey grab Fae Wray. It's like making a Godzilla movie shot from the point of view of people in the suburbs of New York reading in the Newspaper about Godzilla.

Suposedly, some studio exec didn't want Galactus in the movie because that would be "silly" as opposed to a guy made of rock or Jessica Alba with blue eyes. I'm sorry; Galactus I believe, but Jessica Alba with blue eyes does NOT make any sense. She just looks weird.

Now, the scene where Johnny Storm and the Thing switch powers, I have trouble believing that Johnny would be that vein or have such little pity for Ben.

Also, I read another review that said "it was nothing but sexist jokes at Jessica Alba's expense" There was one! The other problem with The Thing and Johnny Storm switching powers is, the whole point of the character is that he's the first super-hero who actually hates being a super-hero. That's his character. He doesn't WANT to be The Thing, he wants to be human, that's the tragedy of the character. But if he keep being given the opportunity to become human, especially of he gets there, but changes his mind "for the good of the team", that just seems like bad TV writing.

And Dr. Doom; Why did they heal him? They should've left him ugly. Like he is in the comics. Why did they magically heal him? There's just... there's no reason to do that. Without any make-up or mask, he just looks like he does on Charmed. So? And having him steal the Board, there's two possible purposes for that; either they're making a Silver Doom toy (wouldn't be surprised if there's one on ebay as I type this) or they were trying to replace the fact that they turned the biggest villain ever into a cloud.

And; what are the holes for? the hones sort of make sense in the Silver Surfer cartoon, Galactus has a giant machine with tentacles. But in the movie, Galactus is a cloud, and no explanation is given as to the holes.

However, the Silver Surfer himself was good. I bought him as an alien. The Silver Surfer is about the only thing in the movie that didn't suck.

Transformers (2007)

Really good Transformers adaption

[9/10 · 15 July 2007]

It's almost a buddy movie AND a war movie. There's the bigger story of the war, and there's also the smaller story with the guy, the girl and Bumblebee going on at the same time.

The Transformers are all alien robots that possess the ability to scan any other machine and then turn themselves into a copy of it. Usually they tend to add the Autobot or Decepticon symbol somewhere. The Decepticons, at least, also have the ability to produce a holographic representation of a human sitting inside them. The main difference between the Autobots and Decepticons seems to be political; the Autobots refuse to harm humans, whereas the Decepticons want to destroy us all. All of them seem to have learned English and other information about Earth from the Internet.

In the smaller story, Bublebee is a teenager's first car. Bumblebee seems almost over-enthusiastic in trying to help the kid get laid. The girl is hot. Picture "Herbie" meets "American Pie". (Well, maybe not American Pie, they don't go that far, but one of those movies)

The kid and Bublebee were also being pursued by a police car with the Decepticon symbol on the side. This part of the story reminded me a bit of Terminator T but much bigger and more menacing.

One of the great things about this movie, which surprised even me, is that they actually managed to make the Decepticons scary and creepy. Particularly the Helicopter and Soundwave (I think it was Soundwave. The only remotely Soundwave-like thing about it was that it took the form of a DVD player, and Soundwave was a tape player.)

Soundwave is a much smaller Decepticon than the others. He seems to be acting basically as a spy. He's this little, almost gremlin-like creature, constantly sneaking around and hiding when humans might see him. He's roughly 30 or 50 cm tall at his full height, whereas the others average 5, 10 meters tall.

I won't tell you too much about Megatron.

COMPLAINTS;

Unlike the cartoon, their design seems to be over-complicated, they seem to break into too many small parts when they transform. Almost as if they were trying too hard to make it look different from a toy. This creates two main problems; A) it makes it allot more difficult to follow or figure out how they transform, which is exactly what was so interesting about Transformers back in the 80's B) It also makes their faces too complicated, which means it's hard to tell them apart. Particularly the Decepticons.

In some of the action sequences towards the end, they used shaky cameras and dust just to make it look more "real". In fact it just looks shaky. Cinema Varitae is vastly over-rated.

Dracula (1931)

I'm gonna be accused of blasphemy for this

[4/10 · 21 December 2006]

I know this is "The Classic" version of Dracula. I know it was made decades ago. I'm well aware I'm gonna be accursed of blasphemy for this. I know people were easier to scare then. Oh well, might as well get on with it.

The Bela Lugosi version of Dracula was so inaccurate to the book that I actually had trouble following the story. The Francis Ford Coppola version was much closer to the book.

BOOK; first few chapters are about Johnathan Harker's travels to and stay in Transylvania. Renfield already in madhouse by start of movie.

MOVIE; Harker never leaves England, Renfield goes instead.

BOOK; Madness seems to fluctuate. Sometimes he seems normal, sometimes he's even a philosopher, but once he bit Dr. Stewart's arm, screaming, "Blood is the life! Blood is the life!" But most of the time, either eating life things or catching flies, spiders and birds so that he can feed them to each other and later eat them.

MOVIE; You don't see him acting sane much.

(In an odd way, although it never happened in the book, the scene in the Mel Brooks version with Stewart and Renfield in the garden gives a much better example of Renield's frequent fluctuation between sanity and insanity.)

BOOK; Dracula is described as an old man with werewolf-like features, glowing red eyes and a mustache, and gets younger as he drinks blood.

MOVIE; Not even close. And, although fangs are alluded to, you never see them.

BOOK; Dracula only ever converses directly with Harker. (Although he also yells something at Van Helsing)Preys on Lucy only when asleep and/or sleepwalking. Main characters spend most of their time hunting down Dracula and Lucy.

MOVIE; Dracula meets and converse with main characters at opera and later at Lucy's house. (In fact, this seems to mostly be all that happens in the movie.)

BOOK; If you've seen any version of Dracula you'll be well aware of the scene with Harker and Dracula's three brides. As well as a child in a sack. (Note to MATRIX fans; watch "Bram Stoker's Dracula again, you may find it interesting that Neo and Persephone have "met")

MOVIE; This happens to Renfield, but nothing interesting happens.

BOOK; Dracula's arrival in England is very similar to Eddie Murphy's arrival in New Yourk in "A Vampire in Brooklyn"; a ship with a dead crew crash-lands on the beach, with a cargo full of boxes full of clay, and a wolf jumps out.

MOVIE; Doesn't seem to happen. And only seems to assume the form of a bat.

BOOK; main characters chase Dracula all the way back to Transylvania

MOVIE; doesn't happen.

MOVIE; He uses hypnosis on various servants.

BOOK; Well, why the hell not? He does, possibly, have some power over Lucy, she seems to sleepwalk exactly where Dracula wants her to.

Other problems with the movie;

-Seems to be all talking, almost no action.

-Never see Dracula's fangs.

-Extremely limited by early censorship

-Armadillos?

Queen of the Damned (2002)

Could have been better

[6/10 · 21 December 2006]

The movie is alright, but I got the feeling that they HAD more story but didn't use it. Seemed like there wasn't enough plot. Especially when compared to Interview With The Vampire. The first movie had a complicated story with three dimensional, complex characters. This one didn't.

In the commentary, the director mentioned and explained all the various changes he made between the book and the movie. But it seemed like almost every single change he made would've made the movie better.

Example; in the movie, LeStat has short brown hair, which is both inaccurate to the book and contradicts the first movie. Especially since vampires can't cut their hair: this was not only established in the last movie but was actually a plot point during Kirsten Dunst's tantrum.

There was another vampire who sired LeStat but he has REALLY short hair, again, vampires can't cut their hair. And in the book, apparently, he had LONG GREY hair.

The Queen of the Damned herself had been petrified, and is first seen as a statue, but was reanimated by blood. In the book, her clothes, jewelery and hair were still real. This would've made allot more sense. In the movie whatever petrified her turned her gold jewelery and her cloth garments to stone, too, and these things are also turned back into gold and cloth by blood.

The only change I'm not complaining about is her skin. The Queen of the Damned, like Cleopatra, was not actually of Ejyptian blood, but was white. She looks fine as she is.

Click (2006)

Not what I expected at all

[1/10 · 13 December 2006]

OK, what I expected was a "wish fulfillment" movie, you know, one of those movies about what we'd all like, like "Bruce Almighty" or "Hallow Man". That's why I went to see it.

Did I expect intelligent comedy? No. Drama? No. I knew Adam Sandler was in it, so I expected either "The Wedding Singer", "Water Boy" or "Happy Gilmore".

It is NOT like Bruce Almighty. Sure, we'd all like a remote control that controls the universe, right? But this one starts screwing up way too early in the movie, turning it much too quickly from "wish fulfillment" to slightly depressing nightmare.

I once saw a short film on The Comedy Channel (in Australia) which was much better (but much more difficult to find) A girlfriend is yelling at her lazy boyfriend for doing nothing all day, and he defends himself by saying he did do one thing all day; he fixed the remote. By accident, he quickly discovers he can control her with it. He mutes her, makes her get him a beer and then almost makes her, how shall I put it? he makes her head go very close to him, but then just turns her around and uses her as a footstool. Then he drops the remote and she grabs it, and uses it.

Borat (2006)

Belkie + Tom Green = Borat

[8 December 2006]

This review contains a spoiler, but I will make sure you know exactly which paragraph to skip.

Borat is basically a documentary about real people reacting to a man behaving very strangely.

I'm not sure what rating to give this movie. Up until one part near the ending, I might have given it a 7. After the ending I might have given it a 1. Had I known then what I know now, I might have given it a 10. To find out what I'm talking about scroll down past the warning below.

Borat is just a character played by the actor Allie G. He has several characters that he plays on his TV show, the silliest of which is a British rapper who says "Iz" instead of "am" or "are".

(Note; in the Cinema, I saw a stand-up cut-out of Borat with two bikini-clad women, with the faces cut out so you could take photos behind it.) Borat was born in Kazakstan. His depiction of Kazakstan, I suspect, bears no resemblance to the actual country. The character is basically designed to offend, Any and anger everyone he comes across. Borat is anti-Semitic, sexist (by western standards), superstitious (as evidenced by his reaction to gypsies), gross, and constantly confused by American technology and customs.

Interestingly, the first few people he meets in New Yourk are extremely rude, much ruder than I could imagine anyone in Melbourne being, even with Borat. (We're not perfect, but the first man he meets in the subway introduces himself in a way I can't repeat on IMDb.) He also becomes obsessed with a certain actress who once played a lifeguard.

It's further interesting the number of people in America he DOESN'T offend with anti-Semite and pro-war statements. (At one point, while announcing Kazakstan's support of "Your War of Terror", he has to try very hard to create an awkward silence) At one point he stays in a Bed & Breakfast hosted by a nice elderly Jewish couple. I was cringing, thinking "Don't be too mean to these people". He wasn't too mean to their face, but he did do a bad Blair Witch spoof.

The... What do you want to call it? "Best"? "Worst"? "Most Offensive"? "funnigest"? I'll go with "Worst".

The 'worst' part of the movie is when he and his producer are fighting naked. I suspect they gave Borat a much larger censor bar than was necessary. Strangely, his producer didn't get a censor bar at all.

If you didn't like "South Park; Bigger, Longer & Uncut", avoid this movie like the plague. Otherwise, enjoy!

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DO NOT READ THE BELOW! DO NOT READ THE BELOW!

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. Borat attempts to kidnap Pamela Anderson from a book signing with a hand-knitted sack. I must admit that Pamela was a better actress than I thought. I later checked on the internet, and it turns out she was in on the joke. I for one, felt better about that.

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DO NOT READ THE ABOVE! DO NOT READ THE ABOVE!

War of the Worlds (2005)

Good points and bad points

[6 December 2006]

To be fair, Spielberg has a difficult task; how to avoid clichés while making an adaption of the book that STARTED the clichés? Well, the first thing you do is read the book and see where the movie got it wrong.

In the 50's movie, there's nothing scary about the Aliens. the Tripods are the only Tripods in the universe that don't have legs. And all they do is float slowly and blast things off-screen.

In the new movie, the Tripods actually come up from underground. This IN ITSELF is an interesting idea, as is the explanation that the martians had been planing an invasion since before Humans became civilized, but it completely contradicts the Deus Ex Mechana ending.

Spielberg, unlike the 1953 version, actually made the Martians and the Tripods scary. Even the heat rays don't seem at all like Star Wars, they basically these beams of white light that instantly cremate humans. this leads to a very creepy scene where Tom Cruise frantically bushes the dust out of his hair, knowing what it used to be.

In the 1953 version, there was one scene where a periscope/snake/neck thing (presumably attached to one of the Tripods) goes inside a house to spy on humans. In the old movie it looked like a vacuum cleaner.

This happens again tn the new version, but way better. normally I can usually tell when something's CG at first glance, the way it moves is usually a dead giveaway. however, I couldn't see anything wrong with the snake/periscope/eye/thing. It may have actually been MORE fake if it was animatronic. This part of the movie is extremely creepy, not unlike the Velociraptors in Jurassic Park. The thing can HEAR everything but only has one eye. The humans must avoid making even the slightest sound, but must also sneak around the snake-like thing to avoid bing seen by it. This is complicated by the fact that there's a survivalist psycho who thinks he has even a slight chance fighting superior aliens with an ax.

The main difference between the 50's version and the new version is like the difference between Godzilla and the scene in Jurassic Park in the kitchen. Godzilla isn't that scary. He might be scary if it was YOUR building being damaged by his tail, but he's not scary, really. His KIDS are scary, though.

The whole movie is like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park, You're only aware of what Tom Cruise knows. When he's running and has no idea what the Tripods are doing behind him, neither do we. To the point where we don't really see enough of the Tripods.

Masters of the Universe (1987)

I was a kid and obsessed with He-Man, and I still thought it sucked.

[2/10 · 3 December 2006]

I haven't seen this movie in years, and with good reason.

When I was a kid I was OBSESSED with He-Man. yet I still didn't like this movie. That may very well have been the problem; I knew everything that was wrong with it.

The only thing they got right were the portals, and those portals were used more often in She-Ra than He-Man. He-Man doesn't transform, Cringer/Battlecat is nowhere to be seen, Orco is nonexistent (instead there's just this hairy dwarf that wasn't in the cartoon). Most of He-Man's friends are gone, except for man-at-arms.

Most of the movie is set not in Eternia but on Earth. I suspect this was to save money.

Worst of all, Skeletor had lips! His lips actually moved and changed shape as he spoke! Since when does a skull have lips? Skeletor has a skull for a head, everyone knows that. And everyone knows that his jaw just goes up-and-down as he speaks.

Again, they decided it would be cheaper to cover a human with make-up then design a working skull for Skeletor. And it's not like it was impossible at the time, there were lots of horror movies made in the 80's, many of them had animatronic skeletons/zombies, or stop motion.

Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne (2003 Video Game)

Really good RTS

[10/10 · 3 December 2006]

(There's some spelling errors)

Blizzard games are the standard by which I measure other RTS games. The ones I've played include; Warcraft II; tides of Darkness Starcraft Starcraft; Brood war (expansion pack) Warcraft III; Reign of Chaos Warcraft III; Frozen Throne (Expansion Pack)

Now, Warcraft II didn't really have a story, it had a prologue to each level but the story was always basically "We're going here and we're killing these people". Starcraft, on the other hand, had a very interesting story, which is maybe more engaging than a movie because you're actually acting in it. It had allot of political and religious themes in it.

Warcraft III and the expansion pack continues this. Prince Arthas changes as you play him. As a character. You find yourself wondering, "What are we fighting for, again?" because his motives keep becoming more extreme, and he seems to forget what he was fight for in the first place, not unlike George W. Bush. Ultimately... (No, I won't tell you)

ORCS/HOARD;

Most Orcs were born on Azaroth, but are technically native to another dimension. The Hoard is mainly made up of Orcs, but also includes Trolls, Ogres and Taurens. Orcs are green guys with huge muscles, tusks, pointy ears and ugly faces. Orcs have their own unique accent and language. Trolls, contrary to most depictions, are skinny, big-nosed, tusked, have Mohawk haircuts and speak in Jamacan accents. ogres are big dumb things with two heads, one with one eye and one horn, and one with two eyes and no horns. Taurens are basically minotaurs. Taurens, unlike the rest of the Hoard, are native to Kalimndor, not Azaroth

Humans/Aliance;

The Aliance is native to Azaroth. The Aliance also includes Dwarfs and Elves. Like Orcs, Humans must build gold mines, gather wood and build buildings in order to make more units.

UNDEAD/SCOURGE;

The Orcs and the Humans fled from Azaroth to escape the Scourge. The Scourge is mainly made up of various undead creatures; zombies, ghouls, banshees, death knights, ghosts, skeletons, necromancers, undead giant spiders, etc. It also has Demons from the Burning Legion.

The Except for Ziggurat and Haunted Goldmine, all Undead buildings must be built Blight, which is basically this black slime-like stuff that spreads out from Ziggurats and other buildings. This idea was also ripped off in one of the lord of the Rings RTS's where the Orcs can only build things on "Cursed Earth".

While the other races are limited to 100 units, Necromancers have the ability to turn any corps into a Skeleton, which can bring the actual number of units well over 200. Howevere, skeletons tend to disintegrate eventually.

NIGHT ELVES

Night Elves are native to Kalinda. Night Elves are nocturnal, have blue hair and purple skin. The Mostly female warriors, because the females have the ability to turn invisible at night when standing perfectly still. however, there are also males called "Druids with the ability to turn themselves into bears or birds, or bring trees to life (depending on particular type of Druid) There are also "Dryads", female creatures, basically a cross between a Night Elf, a Deer and a Centaur, with green hair. There's even a Night Elf God with the same description only male. the night Elf buildings are all sentient trees, like Treebeard. Should the need arise they can all uproot themselves and move to a new location, or even attack things. The workers of the Night Elves are glowing spirits called "Whisps". When gathering wood, Whisps are the only things that can gather wood without damaging the tree.

NAGA

Naga are native to the sea off the coast of Kalimdoor. Naga are a race that evolved from Night elves, their back story is not unlike Atlantis. Naga are creatures from Indian mythology; basically a cross between a Night Elf, a mermaid and a Snake. Their army also includes various weird marine creatures, including frog-like creatures and giant turtles.

eXistenZ (1999)

not enough of everything.

[2 December 2006]

My main complaint about Existenz is that there's not enough. In General, there's not enough.

You could make en entire movie series, TV show or comic series based on the ideas of Existenz. (Well, maybe not a TV series. The last thing I'd want to see is another Robocop TV series. It'd have to be either really f****** good or forget the whole thing.) The movie contained several concepts and ideas that were not explored nearly enough. Like, the idea of a world where free will is not a big factor. Where the decision to have sex with someone is not your own decision to make. The biological machines and weapons. The "Game Urges". The existence of weird genetically engineered creatures used as both game parts and Chinese food.

Intentionally, the movie has more questions than answers, and you're never 100% sure what level of reality you're on.

The game designer understands the RULES of the Existenz game, but is as surprised as her bodyguard about about the contents of the actual game itself, which suggests that she's played similar games before but not this one. This contradicts the fact that she designed the game... or does it?

Basically the movie is a cross between The Matrix and Videodrome.

The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005 TV Movie)

Slightly better than I expected

[7/10 · 1 December 2006]

This is a direct-to-video children's movie and a satire of the Wizard of Oz. That pretty much tells you what to expect right there.

Howevere, unlike most OZ satires, this actually takes allot of ideas from the book, NOT from the Judy Garland version. Silver shoes, the Witch having one eye, green spectacles, the Tinman having a back story, multiple forms of the wizard, controlling the monkeys through a hat, etc. It also has some similarities to The Wiz, particularly the fact that the Flying monkeys are a biker gang.

Most of the characters are just the usual puppets with costumes added. Gonzo, however, seems to have been rebuilt from scratch, but it's still him. Just as The Screwball (for lack of a better name) is still Daffy duck.

CAST

Ashanti- Dorothy

Kirmit- The Scarecrow (for some reason)

Fozzy- The Lion

Gonzo- The tin man

Prawn from Muppets Tonight- Toto

Miss Piggy- All four witches

Rats- Munchkins

Various Muppets- Flying monkeys

Muppet band- Themselves in night club

Statler & Waldorf(critics in balcony)- basically themselves with horns

Skeeter, Dr.Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker- Emerald City Guards. A human- The Wizard

Alas, not as funny or a silly as "The Muppet Show", but interesting if only for the fact that it's a satire of the book, not the Judy Garland version.

The Animatrix (2003)

Cool

[10/10 · 28 November 2006]

The Animatrix is made up of nine animated segments. Therefore, this review shall be spit up into a few parts;

"Final Flight of the Osiris"

CGI segment by the same company as "Final Fantasy". Very cool. It has the best sword fight since Antonio Bandaras and Cathrine Zeeta-Jones. It also provides an important story point that ties together "The Matrix", "Enter The Matrix" and "Matrix Reloaded". Hell, I think "The Animatrix" is worth renting (if you haven't bought it) for the sword fight alone ;D

"The Second Renaissance Part 1 and 2"

These two segments are, of course, one long story spit into two parts. They tell the entire history/mythology of The Matrix. It begins in a near future, similar to the present except with allot more robots. It ends where Neo finds him self in The Powerplant. This one also has a tie-in to one of the Matrix online comics. Amongst other things, at the trial of the first robot to be tried for murder, there is a direct quote from the case of Dred Scott vs. Sandford. I actually learned about Dred Scott because of this. (I looked it up myself, but I LOOKED because of The Animatrix)

"Kid's Story"

Not my favorite, but it unusual and interesting. It tells the story of one of the minor characters. In the movies, even Neo himself finds Kid annoying. (They could have made the same mistake Lucas made with Jar Jar, but instead is only in a few scenes and the other characters abuse him throughout said scenes) "Kid's Story" could be seen as either a literal story of a guy escaping from The Matrix and surviving without a Red Pill, or as a metaphor for religious fanatics.

"Program"

By the same guy who made "Ninja Scroll". Visually, very cool. Very Japanese, both in style and, literally, the fact that here's a feudal Japan setting. In Matrix 1, they use simulators for various things, Kung Fu training, city simulation, Woman In Red encounters, basically it like a Holodeck or a Danger Room. In this case they have a game set in feudal Japan. It's also very reminiscent of Cypher.

"World Record"

Very different. Everything's sort of warped. The main character in World Record has never met Morpheus or Trinity and has never even seen a Red Pill. But in one race he uses so much energy and puts so much strain on himself that his physical body in the Pod wakes up. After that's it's possible that his "residual self-image" (virtual body withing the matrix) is either intentionally crippled by The Architect or he crippled his own self-image because of the pain.

"Beyond"

A teenage girl with a star sticker/tattoo on her face discover a "haunted house" where nothing does what it normally does. This is basically what The Oricle was talking about, "There are programs running all over the place. The ones doing their job, doing what they were meant to do are invisible, you'd never even know they were here. But the other ones, well, you hear about them all the time" the software that normally governs light, gravity, space, time, etc, are all stuffing up in one particular area, the kids are playing in it. It's sad what happens later to the house.

"A Detective Story"

Black-and-white film noir style cartoon wit several references to Alice In Wonderland. Also has Trinity and some agents.

"Matriculated"

One of the most interesting segments. It's by Peter Chung, creator of Aeon Flux. The humans are all cartoon hand animated, in a very Chung style, but all the machines are CG. There's a machine called a "Runner", which is hard to describe, so I won't.

The Runner, while chasing some humans across the Desert of the Real, is captured, and then is placed in a virtual dream scape created by human minds.

This particular group of humans have evidentially been doing this allot, and have built up a small army of machines, who like the experience of human dreams so much that they will protect the humans who create it.

However, The Runner ends up liking the human dreams a little too much. The ending is very Peter Chung.

Kull the Conqueror (1997)

Alright but not great

[3/10 · 28 November 2006]

In the very beginning of the movie, Kull (Hercules) is attempting to join an army, but fails. This is odd, because he seems to be a foreigner since he seems to know nothing of the local culture. Therefore, why would he try to join an army of a country he's never heard of? The King has gone mad and is killing all his sons, and Kull stops him by killing him. The army I already mentioned were all made up of men of royal blood (I.e. the King's relatives) so, since all the Kings direct heirs are dead, there is some confusion as to which one of the soldiers is the rightful heir. It's most likely one of two of the soldiers, and of course they themselves are somewhat bias as to which one it is. However, the King, with his dying breath, decrees that Kull is the next King.

And that's the first three minutes of the movie. (Or might have even been the first MINUTE).

This is basically a low-budget sword-and-sorcery movie. The culture isn't established enough, Nothing's really explained about Kull's motives other than liking axes and not liking slavery, and basically the whole movie is alright but not great. See this movie if you just wanna see some low-budget sword-and-sorcery, or if you like to watch movies for the purpose of laughing at them. If you like GOOD movies, I suggest Lord of the Rings.

The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Damn! I was looking forward to saying it sucked.

[7/10 · 27 November 2006]

(WARNING; SOME READERS MAY BE OFFENDED) I rented this movie because, unlike the Christians who protested "Dogma", I believe you should watch a movie, THEN make fun of it. Otherwise, that would be like saying Dungeons & Dragons promotes Satanism without actually reading the manual first.

Mind you, I actually turned on the "Audio Descriptive" feature. This is a DVD feature that only some DVDs have, designed for blind people. Normally they stop talking during the duologue. Howevere, since all the duologue was in dead languages anyway, the audio descriptive kept going thought the movie. Much better way to see it.

Funny thing, all the "Good" Jews (Jesus, Mary, Mary, etc) have small European noses, whereas all the "Bad" Jews (everyone else) has huge noses. one of the biggest was on the nose of a murderer. I think his makeup was a bit over-the-top.

Visually, Jesus himself was based on the typical depiction of Jesus, which is based on the Shroud of Turin, which was faked by Leonardo Da Vinci. Whereas all the other Jews were based on Nazi clichés. Especially the murderer.

The storyline basically starts and ends at the same place as "Jesus Christ Superstar". The violence wasn't bad, and there's plenty of it. It's basically a movie about a guy getting tortured.

I actually felt sorry for Conscious Pilot, actually. Here's a guy, trying to help a poor psycho who refuses to help himself. He's like, "Look, I think you're innocent, I wanna let you go. Just say you're innocent, say you're guilty, but just help me help you." King Herrod has only one scene and isn't depicted in a flattering light, but really he's like Anesthasia's Grandmother; he's been waiting for the Mesiah to come, and he's been looking forward to it as much as anyone, but is convinced that THIS guy is a fake.

The Devil is depicted as an odd looking pale androgynous balled thing with no eyebrows. At one point, while Jesus is carrying his own cross, The Devil is holding a weird looking baby (The Antichrist?) That kid was just ugly for ugly's sake. It wasn't a child at all, it was a really ugly little person, like Baby Herman without the charm. (Baby Herman is a 50 year old midget who looks like a baby, whereas this child is the other way around.)

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Allot of potential

[27 November 2006]

I was interested in this movie because of my hobby in 3D animation, mostly using Anim8or and Poser.

I believe it came out at about the same time as "Titan AE". I think I'll compare the two.

Both movies were animated and set in a post-apocalyptic sci-fi world. Both were aimed at an older, non-Disney audience. However, they both made the mistake that, unlike most animated movies aimed at non-family audiences, they didn't have any sex or violence. Well, no sex, anyway. (Later, the same company made "The Final Flight of the Orirus" in the Animatrix DVD, and they corrected this mistake ;) ) As for comparing it to the game; I've played one of the Final Fantasy games ONCE, I didn't get very far, I thought the game sucked, and I completely failed to see any resemblance to the movie whatsoever.

Although the movie itself may have been a box office failure, it does show the potential of CG movies; you can actually use CG characters in ways other than Toy Story Disney-type movies. This was further proved to me by "Monster House", which is basically a horror movie. A PG horror movie, but good nonetheless.

Keep in mind, before "Snow White", no one believed it was possible for the audience to feel any real emotion for a drawing.

However, as for this movie itself; the problem is, the whole spirit "Gaya" theory doesn't quite make sense and isn't really that well explained. Why do you need the spirits of those particular life forms? If you can use two human spirits (Aki and the little girl) and one of those spirits is still alive (Aki) then why don't you just get any spirit? It couldn't be a blood-type thing because all the other spirits are non-human. Also, the Phantoms aren't really explained that well until way too late in the movie.

Æon Flux (2005)

About the ending

[8/10 · 26 November 2006]

Think about all the movie clichés you can think of. All the ones you'll get in sci-fi, horror, Disney, Western, etc. There's allot in each category. But what's the one cliché you'll find in ALL of 'em? That's right Happy Endings.

That's what I liked about the cartoons, Aeon always either fails or dies. That's what made the Aeon Flux series unique, that's what made the cartoons worth watching, that's why I was looking forward to the movie, that's the one thing, before I saw the movie, I said I'd be ****** off if they changed, never thinking they'd change that.But guess what.

Unbelievable! They actually had a happy ending! They were thinking about a tragic ending, they even had a clone subplot to make a sequel possible, but they had a ******* happy ending. Really ****** me off. They could have had an interesting movie, but chose instead to have a ****** Hollywood ending.

Aparantly they tried to appeal to both the Aeon Flux audience (whom they just assumed would flock to anything just because it had an Æ in it)and a normal audience (whom they assumed would demand as many typical clichés as possible) In fact the "normal" audience don't give a **** and the Aeon Flux audience demand all the stuff they liked about the cartoon.

Quite possibly the movie was made not by Chung himself or any of the Aeon Flux artists and writers, but they the people Chung often argued with.

Okay, there, got that off my chest. Now, onto the positive points.

Aeon flux could be described as a cross between James Bond, Tomb Raider and Ren & Stimpy. None of her gadgets or skills are just normal things that James bond could do, or even Batman. Everything about her is kind of weird and gross. That's what I like about both the cartoon and the movie. Technically allot of what she does is inaccurate to the cartoon bit it's the {sort of thing} you'd see in the cartoon. That's what I liked to see.

Her costume is not as good as the cartoon, except in one scene where she was just alone in her apartment. Trevor Godchild, for some reason, has brown hair instead of gray hair. The Breean soldiers don't quite look like they did in the cartoon. In the cartoon they had a very distinctive helmet with a handle. In the movie they looked like they couldn't get the rights to use Stormtrooper helmets so they made something black instead.

overall, they had a a chance to make a cool cult movie, like The Matrix, but blew it.

Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005 TV Movie)

Not good

[3/10 · 26 November 2006]

Perhapse this isn't really a fair review, because I only saw about 20 or 30 minuets of the movie. (That tell you a lot right there) Thr first problem with the movie is the prologue. The prologue was told from the point of view of the bad guy, who kept referring to himself as "me". At the end of the prologue you're actually more confused than if there was no prologue, because he kept dropping names and basically only told you half the story.

After that, the movie spends way too much time at a medieval human village. Hobbits are more interesting than humans, so it's acceptable for Tolkien to spend a few chapters in The Shire just explaining how their culture works. You're not Tolkien and these aren't hobbits. These aren't even very interesting humans.

There's a female elf, and she has an exposed midriff but only for one shot. After that she's fully clothed. So what's the point? There's also a thief. This is an odd thing that was also in the last D&D movie; why would Thieves proudly call themselves Thieves? Even if they did, why would they do so in front of honest people or authority figures? This only makes sense in Ank-Morpork (but I won't go into Discworld novels now).

It finally got to the Dragon, and I was too bored to keep watching the movie.

You know you've made a bad movie when the writers of an old 80's cartoon had much better narrative and characterization.

Dungeons & Dragons: Dragonshard (2005 Video Game)

Worst RTS ever

[4/10 · 26 November 2006]

I was looking for something else in IMDb and I thought, "I didn't know IMDb did video game reviews". Or maybe there's a real movie called "Dungeons and dragons; Dragonshard". Whatever, this review is about the video game.

What I like about RTS games, like Warcraft, Starcraft, StarWars Galactic Battlegrounds, Age of Empires, etc, is that you can strategies, you can design your own village and build your own defenses, and you can actually think for yourself about what the most effective way to destroy t5he other village would be.

In this game, you can only build villages on specific set places. Not only that, but within the village, you can only guild specific buildings on specific places.

In allot of RTS's, either you can choose which race to play, or you switch from one race to another as the story goes on, but either way you get to play all the races.

In this game there were three races; humans half-dragons and Dark Elves. I was looking forward to getting around to playing the Drow, but that NEVER HAPPENED. Also, there's only one cinematic in the entire video game, and that's just the game intro.

Gladiatress (2004)

Cover better than entire movie

[1/10 · 26 November 2006]

On the video cover, there's a back view of a girl in a short Roman skirt, and some text which says, "Does my Gluteus Meximus look big in this?"

That one costume, and that one joke, is better than anything in the entire movie. I swear, it made me wonder of it's so much to ask that watching a movie be at least as entertaining as looking at the cover.

All the women, even in the actual arena, are fully clothed in baggy fur. The sets are obviously cheep, jokes are just bad, it seems to have been made by people who don't know anything about movies.

There's one good scene;

In this movie the Tpits are depicted as always wearing severed rotting human heads around their necks like necklaces. In one scene the 3 (three) main characters are disguising themselves as 2 (two) Tpits. The first one has an actual head around her neck, but the second one has the third one standing inside her clothes pretending to be a severed head.

I recommend instead;

The Arena

Sparticus

Monty Python's Holy grail

Hollow Man II (2006 Video)

not enough sex and violence

[1/10 · 12 November 2006]

Question; who would be interested in seeing a movie called "Hollow Man II"? Answer; those who enjoyed Hollow Man I Question; Who is Hollow Man II aimed at? Answer; that's more of a mystery.

I suppose someone who liked Hollow Man enough to watch a sequel, but who hated the special effects, the sex, the violence, the science, the interesting subplots like the relationship between Bacon and Shue, the characterization, and who just liked the bit at the end which was basically a chase sequence through a tunnel. They made the same mistake with "Batman and robin", it just wasn't aimed at the same audience who liked the first Batman movie.

Paul Verhoven himself said, "If he is JUST invisible, okay, then forget the whole movie" If anyone at Sony is reading this I'll say it again;"If he is JUST invisible, okay, then forget the whole movie"

What he meant was that there's no point in just having Kevin Bacon be a voice over. He has to actually be visible somehow; plugs, water, blanket, plastic mask, blood splatter, smoke, etc.

In Hollow Man II you see exactly why Paul Verhoven said that.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

If you're a fan of the original...

[10/10 · 11 November 2006]

If you're a huge fan of the Gene Wilder version, you won't like this version. If you liked the book better than the Gene Wilder version, you'll like this version better. If your favorite part of the Gene wilder version was Gene Wilder's insane rant in the tunnel, This is the version for you.

I suppose I might as well start by comparing the characters; (Yes I'm aware that some of the names are misspelled) VIOLET Bureuguard She's a it younger, but if anything even more of a spoiled bitch than she was in the original. Although her demise...

ORGUSTUS GLOOP Pretty much the same as the original, except instead of Ludhiana's he's dressed like Pugsley.

Mike Teavea Mike is an updated version of Mike Teavea. In the book he was obsessed with gangster TV shows and always had guns hanging all around him. In the original it was cowboys, but he still has a gun. In this version he's even more obsessed with violence. He's also a hacker and a video game freak. He also knows allot more about science than Wonka does but, as in all three versions, whenever Mike tries to correct him on something, Wonka accuses him of mumbling.

Violet Bureuguard I thing the writer came across a small problem with the book; an obsession with bubblegum doesn't really tell you much about her. However, in all three version she's a Guinness world record holder. so the writer exaggerated that aspect of her. In this version she and her mother are obsessed with winning and competing.

CHARLIE In all fantasy stories there's always one character who's job is to meet more interesting characters; Luke Skywalker, Frodo, Stanley Tweedle, etc. The funny thing is; in the gene Wilder version, Charlie said he didn't care much for chocolate. Therefore, why would he care about the ticket? This version is closer to the book, in that he's as obsessed with chocolate as Orgustus Gloop, but he's so poor that his family can only afford to give him chocolate once pr year.

GRANDPA JOE Is much closer to the book in this version. He's always telling stories about Mr. William Wonka and he's been bedridden for decades until he sees the golden ticket and shoots out of bed (In the book I imagined this allot quicker, like a gunshots, but it's still way quicker than in the gene Wilder version) Right, this review is probably long enough as it is.