McQualude Reviews

Post Mortem: No One Dies in Skarnes (2021)

It's just so ... medium

[5/10 · 16 September 2021]

I'm shocked none of the reviews called it a slow burn, because that's the nice way of saying boring. The acting, direction, writing, are all adequate. But everything is the same -- same lighting, same camera angles, same understated tone. You could switch out any actor for a different actor and it would make no difference, you could move actors around like a shell game and it would make no difference, it's just all bland.

Tom and Jerry (II) (2021)

No. Just no.

[3/10 · 7 August 2021]

Tom and Jerry sometimes have a hand drawn cartoon look and sometimes a computer animated cartoon look against a colorful and cheery New York City and none of it works for me. The music is weird, the animation is weird, the human acting is shallow, and there is way too much plot for a Tom and Jerry story.

Safer at Home (2021)

A bunch of idiots sitting around arguing

[2/10 · 27 June 2021]

Basic story is zoomers do bad drugs and Zoom while describing their overdose but not acting like they overdosed. Then an argument, the most realistic part of the movie, breaks out and someone gets hurt. Then everyone makes terrible decisions while still Zooming. I'm making it sound way better than it is. Suffice to say, the acting and story are awful and this isn't worth your time.

Black Summer (2019–2021)

Excellent visual storytelling, chaotic, weak narrative

[7/10 · 26 June 2021]

S1 is very good. The show relies HEAVILY on visual storytelling rather than exposition or excessive dialog, which is a huge plus in my book; I like to see characters moving and doing, not standing and talking. There are mildly disruptive jumps in the timeline. The chaotic violence is confusing, random and often nonsensical, which feels genuine; after all, isn't that what chaos is? It strays woke a bit too often, all the men are violent, untrustworthy, and duplicitous; with white men being the worst. When men commit violence it's because they are violent, when women commit violence they were just doing what was necessary. The gun play choreography is abysmal. Clearly, the directors have never even played paintball, let alone served in the military or viewed a live fire or war footage. During scenes of chaos, there are mobs of people stacked one behind the other, all firing forward. People running toward zombies shooting at people running away from zombies. People with automatic rifles spraying into crowds and only hitting zombies. It's somehow worse than latter seasons of TWD. There are a couple of scenes of "friendly fire" but they feel tacked on. I'm still watching S2 and it seems weaker, even less of a narrative. I'm disappointed there were no cameos by Z-Nation stars.

My Alien Girlfriend (2019)

Begrudgingly I can't rate this higher

[4/10 · 17 August 2020]

It's the plot of about one quarter of 80's movies where a guy has a hot but terrible girlfriend and after some hijinks finds a better girl. No problem, it worked for a lot of movies. And adding an alien to the mix freshens it up a bit, maybe, maybe someone else already did that I can't remember. The problem is that almost everyone outside the main two characters delivers their lines as if someone were prompting through an ear piece. Lines are delivered robotically with an awkward pause between each. All the secondary characters are standing around waiting for a queue to deliver a line and then they stand or sit there waiting for another queue. It make for a boring static scene. Ken Breese is well cast as the nerdy lovable guy who superficially could be a loser but isn't because he's nice and makes a lot of money. Max Reeves sells cute, fun, and vulnerable alien. The pacing and length were spot on and I enjoyed the movie overall, if it hadn't been for so many terrible performances I would have rated it higher.

The Genetic Detective (2020)

Feels like a commercial for CeCe Moore

[3/10 · 13 July 2020]

I was only able to watch ep6: The first 30 minutes is an interview of the victim and interviews with a detective who verifies they have no suspects. A lot of scenes of how everyone feels about everything and especially how CeCe feels about anything and everything. A 10-15 minute recap of other cases and how CeCe feels about it. Finally at 30 minutes we get to this case and CeCe speeds through a dry but interesting presentation of how she constructed a family tree and narrowed the suspect list to 4 brothers. They bring in the troublemaker of the group and he confesses within minutes. So the meat of the story consumes about 12 minutes of the episode. I won't be watching more.

AFK: The Webseries (2015–2018)

They seem to be having fun.

[5/10 · 6 July 2020]

It's a relatively low budget series with amateur acting so let's get that out of the way. This is no GOT. But aside from milquetoast males and hyper aggressive women the show is kinda fun and I feel is realistic in the sense that the characters are RPG gamers not hardcore rogues or wizards.

Poldark (2015–2019)

Unrelentingly stupid characters

[4/10 · 27 May 2020]

The only intelligent characters are the antagonists and one young rich girl, all the protagonists are dumb as bricks and behave in stupid ways for plot convenience. I'm fine with dumb characters but this goes beyond that, it's just not fun. The set design and acting are serviceable, it's a waste really.

In Search of Doc Holliday (2016)

Interesting subject but the presentation is a snoozefest

[5/10 · 24 February 2020]

I wanted to know more about Doc Holliday but this documentary presents information as if it were written for a sixth grade homework assignment, main points of his life connected with long commentary and short on details. We hear a lot that Doc was a rascal, probably a murderer, that people didn't like him but those same people spent a lot of time with him and would rush to his aid when needed. Doc Holliday is one of the most famous characters of the old west and yet details about what made him a legend are scant. At one point they say he travelled and witness history and became part of history -- why? Put me in the old west, why was Holliday different than any of the other rough men that settled disputes with a gun? The narrator is monotone and his delivery has all the enthusiasm of Ben Stine reading his own obituary, he lulled me to sleep during the OK Corral segment which should have been the most exciting part. There is no reason to watch this documentary unless you have insomnia.

Lego Masters (2020– )

So fake it almost seems real

[5/10 · 18 February 2020]

The show is way over produced with loud dramatic music, animation, perfectly manicured and coached contestants playing characters, the newlyweds, the underprivileged, the grannies, the nerds, and so on; every one with a story. The focus is on Will Arnett and guest judge. Between Arnett doing uncle jokes there are brief flashes of Lego construction with lots of concern and hand wringing over whether the contestants will finish, which they always do somehow, and friendly jibes between contestants. The Lego constructions are sometimes shown in animation that looks almost real which makes one wonder how much is real. In episode 2, Arnett smashes Lego constructions, maybe, something looks off, the unsmashed remainder doesn't match between shots vs the "slow motion replay" which is certainly animation. The end product is a show that looks fake top to bottom, I definitely don't buy it and so feel no investment.

68 Kill (2017)

A bit far out.

[6/10 · 1 November 2019]

If Rob Zombie turned into a flaming post-feminist and made a low budget movie with Ryan Murphy, you'd get this film. Every female is amped to 11.5. The main male character is a dumb pansy that learns he is more than a good lay. Basically it's a post-#metoo grindhouse that is a bit too twisty turvy. That said I didn't hate it. Somehow it entertains thanks to an enthusiastic cast. Anna Lynn McCord kills it, she was the perfect casting choice. In fact, the casting was exceptional and every actor nails their character. I bet they had a lot of fun. It's ultra violent, ultra unbelievable, and rarely stops to take a breath.

The Boys (2019– )

Watched it twice, so far.

[8/10 · 27 August 2019]

The Boys, a new Amazon Prime original is a realistic take on what it would be like to have DC-ish superheros (Supes), in our world. There is Homelander (Superman), Queen Maeve (Wonder Woman), Deep (Aquaman), A-Train (The Flash), Black Noir (Elektra-Batman combo, maybe, kind of an enigma), Starlight (kinda like Static, she can draw electricity to her and use it as a weapon, also very strong), Translucent (invisible and indestructible, with skin harder than diamond). These heros make up The Seven (Justice League) and work for Vought Corp that handles their PR, marketing, legal, and arranges their heroic appearances (they are not supposed to do random vigilantism or leave the country). Vought also contracts out lesser supes to cities like Baltimore and Detroit that are overrun with crime. Vought predicts when and where crime will occur and arranges for the appropriate heros to appear and save the day. They supposedly do this with a sophisticated intelligence gathering and advanced computer algorithms. Supes doing unauthorized (by Vought) crime prevention may be liable for any criminal or civil issues that happen. The exception being Homelander who is so powerful that he can do as he pleases (although other countries have threatened war if he operates there without permission) because the govt is afraid of making him angry. The actor playing Homelander steals the show, plays the character with real depth, and keeps him from being a cheesy gimmick. Unlike DC and Marvel heros, these are fallible people, they make mistakes, they don't always do the right thing, and they might even be perverted at times. They say power corrupts and absolute power... Not everyone loves supes and Karl Urban plays Butcher, a man who has made it his mission to bring down supes and uncover corruption at Vought Corp. To do that he assembles a team with their own colorful names like Mother's Milk, Frenchie, The Female, and then there is Hughie, once a superfan of supes until he and his fiance have a close encounter with A-Train. Butcher and friends call themselves, The Boys, and the story behind that shouldn't be spoiled. The show is fun to watch, well acted, some minor pacing issues, laugh aloud moments, a few head scratchers, a few WTF moments, and the most diabolical scene involving a baby you've seen. It's based on a comic but there are enough changes that readers won't know everything that's coming.

Madman (1981)

Generic haunted woods story

[4/10 · 8 August 2019]

It's the same story told at every haunted house or woods I've attended, an axe wielding maniac killed his family in a farmhouse and is now coming for you. The characters are generally likeable but bland, the actors put in effort but it's not enough, the setting is great, the killer's makeup is bad and he growls like panther in a trap, and the end is a bit ludicrous. Forgettable.

Spirit Camp (2009)

Not much of a cheerleader camp.

[3/10 · 7 August 2019]

It wants to be a late 70s early 80s style slasher but many of those were competent films made on a low budget while this is clearly an imitation. A lot of shots are too tight and zoomed into faces and things for no reason and they do that thing where a victim is standing in the open, in daylight, and the killer appears in front of them out of nowhere. Lighting in the woods at night is too bright, even, and are obviously studio lights. The actresses often portray caricatures of the roles they fill. Only one of the girls was really believable as a cheerleader. The cheer camp is in the middle of nowhere down a road that is randomly muddy and impassible as the plot requires. For some reason we are treated to a long camp safety speech. The music randomly changes from creepy to upbeat. The girls are mostly cute and they manage a little bit of gratuitous nudity but there isn't much blood.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Before slashers had a formula

[7/10 · 24 July 2019]

It feels genuine and the kids act like kids, the teens act like teens, with a dose of cheese and some mystery. Small details like the little kids tossing sand on Angela and her cousin after he 'saves' her from the water. The characters are always busy, unlike too many B movies (and TV) where everyone stops to dialogue and background characters are just milling around. The pacing is good. The murders make sense. The filming is competent. The characters look and feel genuine, not like they stepped out of a modeling agency. And overall it's a fun movie to watch. But that cop 'stache, what was going on there?

Det som göms i snö (2018– )

What is the difference between sadness and humor?

[8/10 · 16 July 2019]

Swedes have apparently mastered a single expression that expresses wonder, sadness, regret, and humility. Just finished a Swedish police procedural/whodunnit mini-series concerning a policeman tasked with creating a cold case unit and before it's even up and running is ordered to review the high profile case of a convicted serial killer whose attorney was found murdered with a note in his pocket casting doubt on the guilty verdict. Det som göms i snö, translated means what is hidden in snow from the Swedish phrase, what is hidden in snow will come forth in the thaw; the English title is The Truth Will Out and I found it on Acorn TV. Inspired by the true story of Swedish serial killer Thomas Quick who confessed to 30 murders but later recanted prompting a new investigation. Overall it's similar to North American police procedurals although the detectives act like administrative positions as in British and European series. There are many scenes where characters just look at each ruefully. It's well written and performed. There are red herrings but the show isn't built on them like British mysteries. The tone is serious and understated even in the few moments of wry comedy. I enjoyed it.

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online (2018)

Weak story and characters but plenty of action.

[6/10 · 31 March 2019]

The protagonist once again is someone using a close range weapon with super human speed and reflexes. She's almost an interesting character that forms inexplicably strong attachments to weirdos in an RPG. Speaking of, this is a shooter but the writers randomly portray antagonists that enjoy the killing as immoral. It's a shooter, toying with the other team and enjoying the kill are intrensic to the genre. But protagonists that enjoy the killing are not portrayed the same way. And the worst part is that in real life the protagonist would have reported the antagonist to the police and that would have been that. It's not a bad anime, and many people will enjoy it but I found the story and characters to be elementary and shallow.

Santa Jaws (2018)

Someone tried to make a good movie ...

[2/10 · 1 November 2018]

From a joke plot. If you get dealt something called Santa Jaws about a Santa hat wearing killer shark you gotta roll with it. Get down in the mud with that pig and wrestle. Movies like Sharknado and Trailer Park Sharks embrace their B movie plots and come out entertaining but this movie seems ashamed of what it is and dreams of being a feel good 80's kid's movie that happens to have a Santa hat wearing shark born from a comic book that eats people. It doesn't work and it's boring.

100 Feet (2008)

Slightly above average for supernatural horror

[6/10 · 29 May 2015]

I'm not a fan of ghost movies but 100 Feet had some nail biting moments of suspense and is the best ghost movie I've seen in a long time, much better than the Japanese ghost films which tend to rely on creepy children and boo scares. The ghost is scary looking and if that appeared on my ceiling I would claw through the floor to get away. The ghost isn't just an ugly face but viciously attacks anyone that rubs him the wrong way, which is usually his ex-wife being that she was the one who killed him in the first place. Famke Janssen emotes poorly but carries the movie well and generally sells the story. The writing is good with some head scratchers and one really big whopper of a plot hole that plays into the ending and will leave you shaking your head. If ghosts are your thing, worth a look.

Zombie Wars (2007 Video)

Cast seems to having fun and that counts for something

[5/10 · 29 May 2015]

Fifty years after the zombie apocalypse, humans exist either in zombie run slave camps or in small bands of militarized, nomadic tribes. Two brothers, Brian & David, rescue a group of attractive women slaves from the zombies but the zombies retaliate and David is captured. As David plans his escape he learns some disturbing secrets behind the zombie camps. Yes, the acting and directing are bad; and yes, the makeup is inconsistent. But I've seen a lot of bad zombie movies and this is far from the worst. Many of the actors are charismatic and are obviously having fun in their roles. The plot has some holes and there are a few silly parts but it does make sense if you pay attention. If you have any tolerance or love for B movies, especially B - Z movies then you could do a lot worse.

Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

It's a miss.

[2/10 · 29 May 2015]

Bikini Girls on Ice tries to be a throwback to 80's slashers but lacks atmosphere, nudity, gore or a credible killer. I can live with the girls being terrible actors, clearly they were hired for their ability to wear a bikini but their characters were unlikable and dumb. Likewise, all the male characters except one are unlikable and dumb. The story, thin as it is, doesn't make any sense. The killer, played by William Jarand, kept making weird grunting sounds and was just not menacing. Maybe if this were edited down to 60 minutes it would be watchable, maybe slightly enjoyable, but there is just too much fluff. Slashers were a genre of their time, difficult to replicate these days.

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

Can't scare me with dialog

[3/10 · 29 May 2015]

How difficult can it really be to make a horror movie? "Ah, but that is why so many bad horror movies are made", you say, "because everyone thinks it will be easy." Well plot-wise, it has to be easy. Where most horror fails is not in the plot, the make-up, or even the casting because you can get away with inexperienced actors if you give them something to do. You cannot scare or horrify people with mountains of dialog. Don't tell me the history of the evil, show me. Don't explain the nature of the evil in tedious detail, show me. Or better yet, don't explain anything and just keep horrible things happening. Don't give inexperienced actors pages and pages of dialog, just keep them moving, running, screaming, chopping, crying, dying; anything except talking. JBMS spends far too much of the movie developing a complicated back story about rage and shame that has squat to do with the ending. Oh but the ending was good, if only it had started earlier in the movie.

Dead in Tombstone (2013 Video)

Who lost a bet?

[3/10 · 15 October 2014]

Dead in Tombstone (yes that Tombstone, as in OK Corral) has Mickey Rourke, Danny Trejo, Dina Meyer, and Anthony Michael Hall; so someone might be tempted to watch it because of them but just swallow that temptation and don't. I'm guessing they agreed to this in lieu of paying gambling debts. They put about as much effort into "Tombstone" as they might asking for a donut. Except Danny Trejo who is all in, probably because this movie gives him more dialog than all his other movies combined and you'll soon figure out why those other movies were right and this one is wrong. If you are really curious what it is about, Danny Trejo leads a group of outlaws that double cross him for gold. (the real Tombstone had a silver mine, not gold, but whatever) Mickey Rourke plays Satan and gets a lot of bad lines which he delivers with mild boredom. A.M. Hall is the "bad" bad guy. Dina Meyer is the sheriff's wife. About the only notable thing about D.i.T. is that bodies just disappear from the shot moments after people are killed, it's so obvious it's bizarre. There is no reason as far as I could tell other than sloppy movie making.

Evil Dead (2013)

Everything a good factory made horror film can be.

[4/10 · 15 October 2013]

Evil Dead has plentiful practical effects, a setting faithful to the original, and a halfway decent lead actress but completely fails on story and sound. I liken it to a TV dinner; corn, mash potatoes, and Salisbury steak with gravy... lots of gravy. Because even though the mash potatoes taste like Elmer's paste, splash some gravy on there and suddenly they go down fine. Maybe spoon that corn into your potatoes and mix it up, take a bite of Salisbury steak with potatoes and it's dandy; if you have plenty of gravy. Evil Dead has no gravy and by gravy I mean sound. The gravy ties the dinner together so even if the corn or potatoes are lacking, you don't mind as much. Sound (or silence) sets the mood and creates ambiance and is arguably the most important ingredient. Here they play generic music mixed with random noises and the dry instant potatoes just sit in your mouth waiting to be washed down. To summarize the movie: Character acts unreasonably stupid to set up gross out scene. Excellent disgusting effects ensue. Character waits until effects are finished then impotently reacts. Repeat ad nauseam. I hate this type of bad horror film more than any other because the filmmakers had resources, had talent available, and they chose to make a mediocre movie. If you programmed a robot to make a horror film, Evil Dead 2013 is what you would get.

Zombies Vs. Strippers (2012)

The biggest letdown are the zombies.

[5/10 · 12 October 2013]

Most bad zombie movies suffer from excess plot but this movie is stripped to its bare essence and benefits considerably. The lead is a fellow named Circus-Szalewski (that's his real name, his character's name is "Spider") who puts on an excellent performance as the down and out owner of a sleazy strip club in the bad part of town. After years of struggle to keep the doors open he decides to sell, but have one last party to say goodbye. Inside the employees peel back their inhibitions and denude their feelings for each other while outside it's the apocalypse. The blaring music attracts patrons dying to get in, some in fact already dead. ZvS is a good bad movie. The acting is all over the place but then some were hired for their assets not their thespian experience. The characters are colorful and varied, especially those remaining robed while the strippers are attractive and contribute more than simple eye candy. The biggest letdown are the zombies. Clearly the extras had no previous experience as walking dead, received no briefing and no directing during. Someone clapped them on the back and said get in there and it shows. The gore is light but B-movie effective with plenty of finger biting and some dismemberment. Most of the budget went into hiring the girls and for this kind of movie that isn't so terrible.