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Small Town Security (2012–2014)
1/10
If Tiger King and Mama June banged . . .
16 January 2022
This show is the slack jawed, mouth breathing result of a drunken, stinky orgy between the creators of Tiger King and Honey Boo Boo while the producers of Dog the Bounty Hunter stood by cheering from the sidelines.
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5/10
A Very OK Movie
10 December 2021
Warning: Spoilers
I watched this film tonight, at around 3:00 am while sick and not able to sleep. The upshot is, it helped me to kill a few hours. It's not bad, but it's not great either.

Sydney Bakich is a far more believable actor and delivers a much better performance than her counterpart Bart Blachnio. She is witty, appears to understands her character, and because of this does a much better job than he does. You find yourself rooting for her to have good things happen in her life.

He, on the other hand, delivers a very monotone performance with little (if any) real talent. He couldn't even muster up inflection to differentiate between his lines. He shows the same level of enthusiasm (which is none) deciding which bottle of booze to drink that he does in bed with a beautiful woman or running from a potential maniac. It's no wonder his recently ex-girlfriend was cheating on him.

This dragged the movie down quite a bit. His acting was dull, listless, and varied little between scenes. It made the scenes feel disjointed and longer than they actually were. The strange thing is, the actor that plays his father has the same lame monotone delivery that sucks the humor out of some otherwise funny parts.

He's not entirely to blame though. The writing was slow and lacked passion. The script was believable, but lacked any real excitement. Sure it made sense, but so does commercials for gas medicine. That doesn't mean they are enjoyable to watch.
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Next Door (1994 TV Movie)
8/10
Give It A Chance
10 December 2021
Warning: Spoilers
I'm trying to figure out why, as of this writing, this film only has five other reviews. Especially since it was released 27 years ago. Regardless of the lack of reviews, this film is much better than the lack of attention or the content of the existing reviews would seem to indicate.

The movie starts off innocently enough with a minor dispute between suburbia neighbors over property issues. Having lived in the suburbs and worked in law enforcement, I have seen many real life cases of friction among neighbors. However, it doesn't take long for a rather small seemingly mundane disagreement between next door neighbors in an idyllic community to spiral ridiculously out of control.

Randy Quaid (Lenny) plays a brooding middle class butcher who walks through life with a chip on his shoulder. Lenny is a twisted combination of a tiny bit of "Cousin Eddie" with a much larger percentage of Max Cady (De Niro's character in Cape Fear).

James Woods plays Matt Coler, an upper middle class college professor living next door to Lenny. Because of Lenny's dark and antagonistic nature, he begins the fued by consistently dousing the Coler's flowers. Matt retaliates by spraying down Lenny's outdoor lawn furniture cushions. A few exchanges of childish pranks between the two men transpires, but the pranks quickly turns to much more alarming, and illegal behavior when Lenny breaks into the Coler house and physically assaults Matt after he calls the police on Matt when the Coler family dog turns up killed on their front lawn.

Before it's over, Lenny seems to try to sexually assaults Matt's wife in their home. However, she doesn't report it because the police have been less than helpful in resolving the growing battle between neighbors. One morning Matt accidentally opens Lenny's mail and discovers Lenny has been laid off from the butcher shop. When Matt goes to Lenny's work to confront him for the incident with his wife, he humiliates Lenny in front of his coworkers by giving him the notice he's been fired. That night Lenny and his wife get into an argument and she kicks Lenny out, but not before he hits her.

Lenny breaks into the Coler home yet again and holds the family hostage as he emotionally and physically torments them. A vicious fight takes place where Lenny tries to burn Matt on his gas cook stove. Matt douses him with cooking spray igniting him and sending him to the front yard where he extinguishes himself in the puddles his sprinkler left in the Coler's front lawn.

By that time the police have been notified and are on scene when Lenny bursts through the front door doing his best Richard Pryor (look it up) impersonation. Lenny is told he's gone too far by Matt and presumably hauled off to the burn ward and then likely to jail. The film leaves this open though and wraps up with the boys from each family playing together.

This is a solid film with a relatively believable plot. As I said, neighborhood disputes have certainly turned violent and this movie gives the audience an inside look at how they can escalate. The acting by Woods and Quaid is very believable and entertaining. You're able to get sucked into the fight and find yourself questioning if both men are truly going to snap and hurt one another.

The supporting cast is quite believable as well. Although one would hope the wives would step in and try to put a stop to the war before it gets to the point it did. However, that would have made for a shorter, less intriguing story.

All-in-all, this is a good movie. Not great, and it's far from a classic, but it's a good solid way to entertain yourself for a bit. It's far better than what others here are giving it credit for.
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Jailbait (2014 Video)
5/10
A Tale of Boobs Behind Bars
22 November 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The main character, Sara Malakul Lane's ample breasts, delivers a riveting performance in this gritty documentary of what life behind bars is like for beautiful boobs that are wrongfully convicted. Coupled with a cast of lesser, but still talented T&A, the star really shines putting their assets on full display.

The struggles at home begin early for the breasts, who just want to be left alone to play the Chello, but after they're assaulted by a family member, their body accidentally kills him and our humongous heroines are shipped off to a correctional facility.

It's here that they learn right away the horrors of icy cold showers, first with fire hoses and then with industrial fixtures incapable of providing the gentle deluge of soapy warm water such breasts deserve. The abuse quickly turns our normally perky star into a hardened offender capable of poking out eyes and leaving eraser like burns behind the ears of anyone that tries to love them.

Soon our star meets a bad girl gang leader who tells them a lot of people inside are looking at them. Soon after our star is beaten for disrespecting the gang leader and taken to the Warden's office where they learn he too has noticed them and wishes to partake of their company.

Unfortunately, other inmates won't leave them alone and this leads them down a slippery slope. Often they're left vulnerable and completely exposed in a cold concrete isolation cell.

In a quintessential "good boobs gone bad" story, our man-made beauties turn to drugs and the comfort of many lovers which nearly costs them everything. However, they dig deep and remain buoyant in a sea if danger to come out on top, realizing their dream of making beautiful music.
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The Guilty (2021)
2/10
Throw Away Your Melatonin
14 November 2021
Warning: Spoilers
Are you having trouble falling asleep? Do you spend hours counting sheep or trying to relax enough to clear your mind? Then I have good news for you! Get comfortable, sit back, and cue up The Guilty and you are in for a great snooze.

From the dark scenes to the seemingly endless monotone conversations, this film is an insomniacs best friend. It took me nearly two hours to get through the first 45 minutes of the movie. Why? Because I kept pausing it to watch more interesting stuff. The grass growing, the paint drying on the neighbor's house, and my dog taking a nap because he tried to watch this film too.

The plot is thin, the script terrible, and the acting is ridiculous. It is both underwhelming and absurdly ridiculous at the same time. Jake's (Joe) portrayal of an out of control detective busted down to a pissed off out of control E911 Operator is filled with angry mood swings and boring attempts at dramatic effect.

Dramatic closeups of asthma inhalers, alkaseltzer, and cell phone/computer screens dominate the landscape here. Occasionally there is a flash of burning California landscape and hazy images of cars on a nearly abandoned highway.

It literally takes a full hour for anything remotely interesting to happen in this movie and that's a weak attempt at a plot twist. Big surprise! The victim on the other end of the line throughout most of the film is actually mentally ill and Joe had it all wrong the entire time.

I would have given this nightmare a 1, but it is good for a mid-afternoon nap.
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6/10
A DECENT COMEDY IF YOU ALLOW IT TO BE
17 October 2021
Warning: Spoilers
Adult Interference delivers what many "comedies" today fail to, namely some entertainment and a decent amount of laughs. Its reminiscent of films like Bad Santa and Bad Teacher where wildly inappropriate adults end up instilling valuable life lessons to impressionable teenagers even if by accident.

The casting is pretty respectable with some relative unknowns delivering solid performances. Ted Welch (Bo) plays a rather self absorbed former high school football star turned insurance company pitchman. He has some semblance of success with a series of TV commercials until an alcohol fueled night leads to a very funny, and highly publicized DUI that lands him on house arrest in his hometown. Not only does Bo end up stuck in his Tennessee hometown, his arrest and pending court case has him living in his niece's pink princess playhouse.

George Baron (Elliot) plays opposite of Welch as the nerdy, heavy set high schooler looking to attract the attention of a girl way out of his league. As expected, he's dealing with a lot. Bullies are making him miserable and to make matters worse, his mom "Laura" (played by Christine Woods) is dating an obnoxious self absorbed luxury boat salesman that refers to him as "the runt".

For her part, Woods gives a decent performance as the single mom, but her role is very secondary to the movie. For a while it looks like there's going to be a love interest develop between her and Welch, but it doesn't happen. The closest they come is sharing a few drinks and a near kiss during an impromptu front yard hangout one evening. This works though because, after all, it's not the all-too-familiar former high school sweethearts storyline we see with a lot of movies.

A couple of appearances by Kate Upton attempts to add star power to the cast, but it is really not necessary. Her role in Adult Interference is rather brief and relatively forgettable. Her acting is solid, but any unnamed actress could have stepped into the role and the movie wouldn't miss much.

The plot essentially follows the "adult in drunken downward spiral" line so familiar with the "Bad _____" type of films. While it's not groundbreaking by any means, it isn't nonexistent or disjointed as some reviews claim. The script has definite direction and moves along at a good rate to keep the audience engaged.

There are plenty of opportunities for someone just looking to relax and enjoy a few hours of downtime to laugh with this film. While most of the jokes are rather obvious and a bit . . . Low hanging, that's what makes this movie so funny. Don't underestimate the power of cringeworthy humor.

Bo's field sobriety tests are ripe with laughter and go a long way towards setting up the rest of the storyline. A little later, when he first meets Elliot and recognized that he knew his mother is another funny point that comes up more than once later on. Bo realizes that he knows her as the ". . . Gothy art nerd . . ." and rather cruelly reveals to Elliot ". . . Your mom gave me a handy at fright night" after the teen insulted him.

As if drunkenly urinating on a police officer or hanging out in a bathrobe on the front lawn wasn't bad enough for him, Bo orders in a prostitute to the princess playhouse, bullies back against the kids hassling Elliot, and generally makes his presence uncomfortably known in the quiet suburban neighborhood.

Elliot depends on Bo to teach him how to play football so he can impress the girl of his teenage dreams. As expected, the education gives way to even more laughs and uncomfortable interactions between the two. From childish nicknames to letting him try beer and ordering him to steal cigarettes from his mom, Bo leads Elliot down one questionable path after another. He seems to have good intentions, but fails miserably with much of the execution.

At the end of the day, it's a funny movie that isn't going to require a lot of investment on the part of the audience to enjoy. However, it does require they don't take themselves too seriously and actually have a sense of humor.
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8/10
An Enjoyable Surprise
30 August 2021
Warning: Spoilers
Vacation Friends is a very nice surprise in a year of comedies that simply aren't funny. I try not to let reviews dictate what I watch and avoid and, with this film, I'm glad that I stuck to that philosophy.

The cast does a great job of drawing the audience into the story. John Cena (Ron) and Meredith Hagner (Kyla) are hilarious, adding a lot of laughs to an already very funny script. They are out there without being too over the top. Lil Rev Howery (Marcus) and Yvonne Orji (Emily) are perfect counterbalance to the wild antics of Ron and Kyla. Their straight-laced demeanors are fun to watch melt away throughout the progression of the movie. I had to watch more than a few scenes more than once they were so funny.

Ron walking on the beach with a bloody rag on his head after Marcus shot a bottle off his head cracked me up. Not as much as the scene where Ron was foraging on the fox hunt and Marcus accidentally ate the mushrooms though. You could see something like that coming, but it was still a riot to watch unfold. Perhaps the funniest part was Kyla's little speech at the rehearsal dinner only to be topped by Marcus' interruption and misunderstanding. Again, great job acting and very funny stuff.

The supporting cast does a very good job of adding depth and humor to the plot as well. Both sets of parents are very funny and bring a lot to the movie. From the minute Emily's dad coin checked Ron I knew the movie was only going to get better.

At the end of the day, this is a good solid movie. The story moves along nicely and you don't get bogged down in a bunch of extra storylines. The cast, as I said, is very talented actors keeping things light and comical. No hidden meanings or sappy life lessons here, just good laughs that allow you to relax, forget your problems, and enjoy the ride.

I saw someone say this film likely won't win any awards and they're probably right. Critics are usually idiots with absolutely no idea what humor is.
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Love Stinks (1999)
7/10
Funny Despite French Stewart
21 August 2021
Warning: Spoilers
Full disclosure, I am not a fan of French Stewart's acting. In fact, I will typically avoid his films like the plague. I find him about as annoying as Tyra Banks and this movie had them both, but I decided to watch a few minutes just to see how it was anyway.

I have to say at this point that the movie is a slow starter. In fact, in my opinion, it really didn't get rolling full speed until around the 45 minute mark. That is not great news considering the film is around 1 hour and 33 minutes, but it's not as bad as it sounds. There's still enough funny in the first half of the movie to get the viewers through until the truly good stuff starts going on after the break up.

All-in-all, was pleasantly surprised by the fact that I found myself enjoying it quite a bit. In fact, there were points throughout the film that I laughed outloud at it. The writing was witty and light without a lot of rehashed old bits. The cast worked well together and played off of each other in a way that added a lot of depth to their characters. This made things very relatable.

For instance, the caddy exchanges of hostility over the earrings and the interactions between French and Steve's characters when he (Marty) started dating Chelsea was pretty spot on I would imagine. I cheered when Seth flipped it around by trying to go out with Tawny and they both ended up without a date.

Bridgette Wilson is a very talented actor that adds a great deal to a project. She's funny without being ridiculous, and understands the importance of comedic timing. She does a fantastic job playing an over-the-top girlfriend trying to force her way into a proposal. Scene after scene I found her character's behavior to be cringeworthy and border line crazy. I love it when a character makes you forget you are watching a movie and insert yourself into the plot. Her performance did just that. It doesn't hurt that she's also extremely attractive and easy to watch on screen. She has a talent for being sexy without being trashy.

Jason Bateman, Bill Bellamy, and Steve Hytner all add a lot of humor and skillful acting to the premise of the film as well. I am a big fan of Jason Bateman. Typically he plays the role of a decent guy. In this role he was somewhat of a scumbag and, I have to say, it was a nice change.

All things considered, this is a solid movie with a talented cast. It's not likely going to be a classic on anyone's list, but still pretty funny.
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7/10
A Good Film for Most
18 July 2021
The Brass Teapot is, in my opinion, a solidly written film supported by a talented cast of actors and a plot that makes sense. Sadly this combination is increasingly rare in the movie industry today.

Juno Temple and Michael Angarano both deliver outstanding performances which help to draw the audience into a sort of "what would you do?" dilemma that is both thought provoking and enjoyable to watch play out. As you watch their moral scale tip further and further to the dark side you can't help but feel conflicted yourself.

Is this an instant hit for everyone? Is it destined to be a classic? The answer to both questions is probably not, but it's still a good movie that is well developed and will appeal to a lot of different audiences.
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6/10
Manage Your Expectations
30 May 2021
I hesitated to watch this film because Lorne Michaels produced it and he's turned SNL into a pathetic political commentary instead of the hilarious show it once was. However, a handful of SNL alumni left Michaels and consistently put out funny movies so I figured why not give this a try. Plus, I have to admit, the casting was pretty decent.

Gillian Jacobs, Bobby Moynihan, and Rachel Harris all have the potential to deliver solid comedic performances if they don't allow themselves to use the platform to express personal views. I was most excited about the additions of Jennie Pierson, and Kumail Nanjiani who both know comedy and are capable of great one liners. Bill Pullman was a unique choice and a pleasant sight. For those of us old enough to remember Space Balls, we know he can add a lot to a funny script.

The premise of the movie instantly reminded me of a mix of Tommy Boy and Black Sheep. I'm willing to bet that I am not the only one who felt this way either. In fact, it seems like a deliberate attempt on the part of Michaels and film executives to ride the coattails of those classics. So, how did they do? As the title of this review says, it really depends on how well you manage your expectations while watching it.

Brother Nature is a cookie cutter comedy that sticks closely to the recipe of the late 90s and early 2000s. That's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I see a lot of films that get categorized as comedies when, in reality, they're anything but funny because they completely ignore some of the key ingredients of humor.

For example, Taran Killam's missteps and blunders are not so vaguely reminiscent of Ben Stiller's performance in the Meet The Parents line of movies. Another more "in your face" example is the character played by Moynihan (Todd Dotchman). Anyone with eyes, ears, and an ounce of common sense can see he really sticks to the comedy template provided by Chris Farley.

The problem is, at least in my opinion, in the latter example Moynihan stuck too close to Farley's recipe for comedic gold and he doesn't have near the talent Farley did to pull it off. In fact, it seems like he was stealing his lines and mannerisms directly from old Farley characters. I almost expected him to gush that brothers don't shake, brothers gotta hug when he met Killam's character. One COULD easily grow annoyed at his barrage of high intensity antics and allow it to ruin the whole movie for them if not managing those expectations.

At the end of the day this movie isn't blazing any new comedic trails and it's probably not going to be a classic on anyone's list, but it's not bad. The cast plays off of one another very well. There's plenty of humorous dialog to keep you entertained providing you don't take things too serious. The one-liners are witty enough and well placed to keep at least a little smile on your face. Yes, a lot of it is recycled SNL material, but watching it allows the viewer a break from all of the garbage going on outside right now. Overall the cast did a good job. Although there should have been more of Nanjiani's trademark low key quips to help even out Moynihan and his antics.

My best advice is to sit back, relax, and give it a fair chance.
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