gbortoli Reviews

The Terminal List (2022– )

Realistic

[8/10 · 3 July 2022]

I like it because it's realistic. He's a murder suspect with probable ptsd and hallucinations, but they let him keep all his guns. Would definitely happen. 10/10 for accuracy.

Eternals (2021)

Boring

[3/10 · 14 January 2022]

The saddest moment was when the pie fell. I said "NOO" loudly. You know that a movie is bad when the strongest emotional connection you form is with a pie. Everything else was a bore. Very self complacent. A waste of time.

The Silent Sea (2021)

The worst astronauts ever existed

[1/10 · 27 December 2021]

These people are on a space mission to the moon and they're all acting like they're on a school trip. They immediately crash as if they bought the shuttle on wish and never flew it before and yet they're all pretty chill about it and wondering if they'll be able to complete their mission in 24 hours. With a crashed shuttle. I get the FI but a little SCI is meeded to. These are like randos they found on the street with no engineering or science skills, or even common sense. It's comedic.

The Wheel of Time (2021– )

It's like the journey of hercules with kevin sorbo, but in 2021

[2/10 · 19 November 2021]

I haven't read the books but it's like it's trying to be a cross between the lord of the rings and harry potter, but only succeeds at being the legendary adventures of hercules with kevin sorbo, except that instead of 1995 they're doing it exactly the same in 2021.

There's very mediocre acting from almost everyone, terrible dialogues like "something is different" - "what?" - "i don't know" and the worst cgi i have seen since wu assassins. I don't know sho the red head is but i can't wait him to die he is the most annoying of them all.

The only good thing was roose bolton.

I hope voldemort wins.

Office Christmas Party (2016)

The best Christmas movie of all times

[10/10 · 1 November 2021]

I see this movie every year since it came out and it becomes funnier and funnier. It's how every office christmas party should be and frankly it's incredibly refreshing to be back in a world that was carefree and able to enjoy things without entitled judgments like "oh no avoid this at all costs it was the second worse thing that has ever happened to me since my puppy died". Just grab a drink, i don't know maybe a martini or a scotch and enjoy it, it'll be fantastic.

Nobody (I) (2021)

The revenge of good movies

[9/10 · 28 May 2021]

Nobody is a great film. It's everything that those 2+ hours action movies aren't. I got bored to death with the last two John Wicks, while Nobody was great fun for the entirety of its perfect 90 minutes. It has irony, great music and most importantly the gravitas of someone who doesn't care anymore. It's as if they took all the rage and frustration accumulated during the covid lockdowns and condensed them into a movie. One of the best movies I've seen in a long time, reminded me of Stretch for some reason.

Vikings (2013–2020)

Goes downhill slower but for longer than game of thrones

[6/10 · 13 February 2021]

Does anyone else miss Floki killing Athlestan? The show starts going downhill even before Ragnar dies. Like seriously Ragnar, you're invading England and you expect to just settle there to farm and that the English won't mind it at all? I stopped watching for a while after season 5. I was so disappointed with how the show was going that I had given up. Ragnar's "other" sons, the knock-off versions, not Bjorn obviously are all unbearable ranging from moderately untolerable (ubbe) to a chihuahua gnawing your balls (hvitserk). Ivar is just a bad villain that should have lasted a season, no more. Lagherta is all over the place. The whole plot line of Floki in Iceland is dead boring. After a while i decided to watch season 6 cause i had finished everything else... Don't do it! For the love of Odin please do it for me. Do me a favour. Don't watch season 6. Not unless you liked watchting Hachiko i.e. having your soul ripped away from you and eaten by a Jabba the hut.

The Rental (2020)

As generic and cliché as possible

[3/10 · 7 February 2021]

This movie could be used as a template for all other horror movies. Group of people go to remote place. Group behaves erratically. Something spies on them. They die one by one. Optional: reveal bad guy's story and motivation.

The end.

They couldn't even bother giving it any background, any story, any meaning. I don't know who green lit this. Oh and Dave Franco, casting your wife in your first movie. Seriously? Nepotism much?

WandaVision (2021)

the definition of cringe

[1/10 · 21 January 2021]

Don't get me wrong. You can be a normal human being and understand what is happening in this show, where the writers are coming from and where the show is going, but still hate its guts. What were they thinking? 2 episodes of what can only be described as a war crime, leading maybe at some point to something decent? Why would you make me suffer this much with the promise that the show will become normal eventually, except that it never does? This is pure pain. I cannot remember being so disgusted by something on tv ever.

Schitt's Creek (2015–2020)

The most boring sit com i've ever seen

[4/10 · 17 November 2020]

The only barely tolerable character is the son All the others are useless and unbearable. In 5 episodes i've never smiled once, let alone laughed. It's boring and unpleasant and in general a complete waste of time.

Unhinged (I) (2020)

So bad it makes you miss american police

[2/10 · 20 October 2020]

I couldn't bring myself to finish the movie even though I was the one who wanted to see it in the first place. The plot is all over the place, what should have happened is: guy kills people, is filmed and seen by everyone. Police arrests him shortly after. Movie length: 3 mins. Instead I had to watch an hour of it before I figured out the police was not going to show up and all my hopes were placed in vain.

Stretch (2014)

Underrated masterpiece

[9/10 · 29 September 2020]

If you're a guy who loves a comedy with a bit of action, this is the right movie for you. If you like Guy Ritchie movies, you'll love this. It has it all, it has charisma, action, comedy, nonsense. This is the kind of movie that can pick you up after a hard day and send you to bed happy, it's best served with a glass of scotch whisky to be honest but so do all of these movies. If you're not drinking something while watching the gentlemen, or let's be cops, you're not doing right. Anyway, great movie, great fun. Don't watch it with your mom (someone left a bad review because he watched it with his mom and it was awkward... Duh)

The Fall (I) (2013–2016)

A well made show on how police should not work

[5/10 · 31 August 2020]

The show is well produced. The first season in particular is captivating, decent acting, especially from Gillian Anderson, good atmosphere, a bit like Luther. The problem however is the plot. The police has all the information they need on the suspect and they just let him be free for no discernible reason. It gets frustrating really quickly to ne watching long pointless conversations between secondary characters when they could just arrest the guy and end it. I didn't finish second season, it was getting too boring.

Hunters (2020–2023)

It's a good show

[8/10 · 24 March 2020]

I honestly don't understand why people are hating on this. There's nothing disrespectful or distasteful and even if there was, so what, it's a tv show and a very good one at that. Good production, character development and suspence. Al Pacino is great in his role, the joung guy is also doing an excellent job. Definitely recommend. Don't listen to the haters and give it a shot. Don't take it too seriously.

Marriage Story (2019)

Long and boring

[4/10 · 4 January 2020]

Let me start with the good things: great acting from both. The story is very simple and down to earth, some people will relate. To me however it was impossible to stand Scarlett's character. She's unbearable. The story gets boring very quickly, it's the kind of boring that is also unpleasant cause obviously the story is not one of the happiest. It's like playing a game of monopoly and losing. You have to keep playing while being completely poor and miserable, and yet your suffering doesn't end, in fact it lasts for more than 2 hours.

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019)

B series movie

[3/10 · 14 October 2019]

A mediocre movie, on the most boring protagonist of an overrated tv show. I, as everyone else, have seen the tv show. I found it bland and overrated. This movie was not better. On the contrary, it was far worse. The script is terrible, completely self indulging. Acting is also poor on all sides. I don't understand how much of a blind fanboy you have to be, to rate this an 8, equal to classics like godfather, but hey, who am i to judge.

The Art of Self-Defense (2019)

Ridiculous

[4/10 · 8 October 2019]

I don't know what this movie is supposed to be. I know it's not funny, I didn't laugh once if not at its cringiness. It does not make sense whatsoever. The plot is obvious, whatever happens in the office is completely unrealistic and the karate that is depicted is the exact opposite of how it really is. I feel insulted by the stupidity of this movie.

Wu Assassins (2019)

unbearable

[3/10 · 9 August 2019]

I had my eyes on this because I love katheryn winnick (not really for her acting skills but more for everything else) so I hoped this was decent, but as the trailer made me believe, it's the usual C class product that you can often find on netflix. Aside from the plot that is cliche and dull, the acting is terrible, katheryn included (and it pains me to say this), you feel no connection or empathy whatsoever with anybody on the screen. The main character could be disemboweled in front of me and I couldn't care less. Then of top of that you have the cheapest, corniest and stupidest CGI effects and scenographies you can think of. Remember the adventures of hercules with kevin sorbo? pretty much the same level. This tv show is a disaster and I feel bad for katheryn

Dragged Across Concrete (2018)

why so boring?

[5/10 · 5 May 2019]

The movie itself could be decent, if it was an hour shorter, or if the extra hour had any content. instead it's just pretentiously draggin every single action or conversation to the point where everything take 3 times longer than it should. it's like watching something in slow mo. don't waste your time

Game of Thrones: The Long Night (2019) Season 8, Episode 3

What just happened

[4/10 · 3 May 2019]

Yeah so for 8 years we've been told that winter was coming, that there the army of the dead was going to wipe out westeros, that nothing can stop them, that all armies must unite or face certain death... until it takes one stab to end all of it.

But going in order, as many have already pointed out, the very features of game of thrones that got everybody hooked up: realism, consistency, cinism. Everything was thrown out of the window, in favor of let's call it fan service. Remember when the show used to follow the books? If you were stupid you were guaranteed a quick and inevitable death. The world was in the hands of a few powerful people who had cunning as their strongest feature.

Now imagine you've been preparing for years to the final war, the war whose consequences could threaten life on westeros forever. So you're there chilling, defending this castle and obviously what do you do? you place everybody OUTSIDE the castle, cause certainly having a few thousands people fight a much bigger army of undead who don't feel pain and can't be killed can only go well, right? I feel for the dothrakis, like, did anyone of them expect to survive, charging by themselves into an army in the dark? And out of all dothrakis dying, why did Jorah survive? Like does he have a magic armor or something? He would have been wiped out, gone forever like tears in the rain.

And leaving all of the other plot holes aside, after 8 years, are you really going to tell me that, in the middle of tens of enemies, arya can fly undetected and stab the guy, who then shatters and consequently kills ALL of its army? What kind of idiot is he? He knows that the starks have valryian steel swords, he knows that he can die, and he just waltzs in there cause he feels like killing bran and then immediately proceeds to get killed like the last of the fools.

This has to be the most disappointing episode in a tv show. Much worse than the end of dexter.

Widows (2018)

Boring and useless

[4/10 · 3 February 2019]

You would think that with steve mcqueen and a bunch of A Level actors this would be a good movie. Unfortunately that's not the case. This is sooo slow, so uninteresting, most of the movie is about this ladies being depressed for their loss, nothing happens, people cry. For an hour. It's exasperating

Hold the Dark (2018)

Boring and baffling

[4/10 · 28 September 2018]

Let me start by saying that this movie is not completely garbage. It has something to it that keeps you going. For some reason, despite an unintelligible plot and amazingly slow pace, you still find yourself watching the movie waiting for it to redeem itself. It doesn't. The more time you invest in this adventure, the more painful it becomes to admit that this movie is beyond redemption, that nothing normal is going to happen and that you wasted two hours of your life.

Maniac (2018)

A total waste of time

[1/10 · 25 September 2018]

Nice pictures, yes. Plot? No. I really struggled to bring my wife and myself to endure the first two episodes. Everything is so boring it becomes upsetting, self involved, pointlessly pretentious. Nothing happens for most of the episodes except for bizarre nonsense. I wasted my time, you don't have to.

Lost in Space (2018–2021)

the worst sci-fi tv show I've ever seen

[2/10 · 18 April 2018]

I had a bad feeling about this when I mostly saw kids in the trailer, I thought it could have the potential of being a bit childish but fine... the visuals look amazing, it clearly has a big budget behind it, it cannot be so bad, right? WRONG! For some reasons that I can't explain it's start off and it's immediately boring, like 10 minutes in and you're already starting to realize that big mistake you've made by choosing this on netflix. Everybody's acting is horrible, especially the kids'. Not one character is interesting or captivating, they're all cardboard, unbelievable and boring (I cannot stress "boring" enough, sorry for the repetitions). After a while they land on a planet and they start making one stupid decision after the other. One person for example decides that it's safe to remove the helmets because another one had a cut in his suit and he hasn't died in 5 minutes. Way to go, that truly is a scientific approach! It's an endless series of stupid behaviors like this that make you wish for everybody to die as soon as possible. You're there hoping all the crew is wiped out so that maybe somebody new and more interesting is sent out but no, everything goes fine in the most dull possible ways. I'm writing this in the hope of saving somebody from watching this, it's something I need to do for the good of humanity. Please don't watch this. You can spend that hour in many better ways, like counting how many hairs your dog/cat has.

Gravity (2013)

thankfully it's not even 90 minutes long

[1/10 · 29 August 2016]

For starters, I think you should know this is the first review I write in IMDb. However, I was so angry at this movie and so astonished by its rating that I couldn't help but come here and try and save somebody else's 90 minutes.

Sandra Bullock is a mission specialist sent in space to do some magic, but since the start you're constantly shown how she sucks at her jobs and how in general she is unprepared to do anything in space. The only other character, George Clooney, is supposed to be an expert astronaut who ends but being a total kid by just being focused on beating the record of untethered space time.

For some unfathomable reason, the Russians (evil guys because duh.. America...) decide to take down a satellite with a friggin' missile, instead of making it land like all normal people do. This causes a chain reaction where, for extreme bad luck, practically everything humankind has in space is destroyed.

Aside from the laughable premise, a few unbearable things make this film a waste of 90 minutes, I'm going to keep it short just to save you some extra time.

1) conversation between the two characters is dull and pointless. 2) main character keeps narrating everything she does and think. Jeez just shut up, you're alone in space, who are you talking to? 3) George clooney's character is just an idiotic parenthesis 4) The endless chain of incredible bad luck the main character has can only be explained by the fact that this movie needed to be longer than 15 minutes. No other logic thought can justify any of it. 5) the only good part of the movie is the graphics, but for that you can just watch interstellar or the martian and also enjoy a good film.