Servant_of_Dagon Reviews

King Arthur (2004)

Like The Scorpion King... without the fun.

[1/10 · 18 November 2005]

You see, the main problem with this film is Hollywood's stupid current obsession with "keepin' it real". There's no problem in this (for Batman Begins was one of my favourite films of '05, and truly a textbook example of "grounded in reality" film-making), but Bruckheimer's way out of his depth on this one. First, there's this completely ridiculous title card telling us this is "real" Arthur because "NEW ARCHEOLOGIC EVIDENCE TOTALLY SAID SO"! Oh, please. I have no more knowledge of history than was taught to me in highschool and believe me, this movie gets some pretty basic history stuff wrong. Which isn't bad per se, but why insist on being "THE REAL ARTHUR LOLZ" if you don't even know the Roman empire wasn't ruled by the friggin' pope. Oh, and christians are evil, by the way. They will oppress poor pagan farmers because they're pagan and build special torture-machines to, well, um... torture them. Also, priests/christians are all either crazy, cowards or "fools, bureaucratic fools." Shame on you if you don't know where that's from.

It's not really director Fuqua's fault, as the film looks very pretty and it wasn't really bogged by the usual CUT-BLURRY ACTION-CUT AGAIN action sequences most Hollywood movies are plagued by nowadays (or am I becoming so accustomed to them I don't notice anymore?). The score is quite beautiful, and the song sung at the beginning even hauntingly so. The actors all look very good, and the knights were certainly a charming and lovable bunch. Keira Knightley, like Jessica Alba, is a pretty little girl who just keeps being cast in big, big movies because she's... well, a pretty little girl. If this film really wants to be taken so seriously, why not cast a serious actress? Stellan Skarsgard, O! how you ham it up so deliciously! It was a pleasure to watch his villain Cendric interact with Til Schweiger's Cynric, Cendric's son, and their various henchmen. What a delight to not get to know ANYTHING about their motivations or personalities! Seriously, every time they're in the picture, there's a battle scene or they're killing some peasants to show how eeeeevil they are. And get this, you never even get to know their NAMES. Way to go, Franzoni.

Ack, Hollywood, how I loathe thee. I hope someone does The Once and Future King credit (some PJ'ish), so we can all forget about this ghastly little mess. Except for Stellan.

The Wicker Man (1973)

Wrongly labeled a horror movie

[8/10 · 18 November 2005]

Very good, if somewhat dated cult classic on the clash of hardline Christianity and supposedly long-lost paganism. Well-acted by all, and some nice T&A for those interested. Christopher Lee is of course, as always, the man. Edward Woodward must be commended for making his character a likable, if boring, lead man (and that's an achievement: I don't like Christian-types). Some points deducted for the horrible funky chase music at the end of the film.

The ending is quite a shocker and will leave you with a definite "OMGWTF" feeling.

Again; see it as a mystery-thriller, NOT as a horror film.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

A decent beginning, all things considered

[8/10 · 7 October 2005]

'99 Me: ZOMG THEPHANTOMMENNIS !!! !! 11! '03 Me: Maybe... Maybe it was all hype after all... Maybe... *jump out of window* '05 Me: What a fun movie! Granted, Episode 1 has its flaws. It has some pretty retarded moments, mostly with Jar Jar or Anakin (hell, even with Obi-Wan!). But looking back, I say: fine. Yeah, that's right, fine. This is a movie about two Jedi on a simple job, and a boy for which a whole galaxy of adventure opens up. It's seen from a child's eye. The fights look fun and adventurous. The Senate parts are dull and tedious. If you were a 9-year old, wouldn't you want to go back to awesome fights? Fly a little fighter into the heart of a huge ship and be the hero of the day? Get a little smile from that one girl that's been so nice to you? The next time you watch The Phantom Menace, think about this: that little boy will watch his mother die. He will lose every friend he has in the universe. He will destroy or see destroyed everything and everyone he loves. And he won't ever know why - literally - until his dying day. So please... quit your sad fanboy pleas for "darkness and maturity" and let the kid have some retarded adventures. While he can.

Ken Park (2002)

*Possible spoilers* Hey, I like sex as much as the next guy!

[4/10 · 4 October 2005]

I'll rent a porno when I want to see it. Okay, okay, it wasn't about the sex, it was about broken relationships and I'm not artsy-fartsy enough to appreciate the sensitive artiste that is Larry Clarke, yadda, yadda, yadda. This is the first film of his that I've seen and maybe his other ones are better, I'll have to wait until I've seen those to comment.

Similar to the lives of the characters, this movie goes absolutely nowhere. I just don't feel like blowing my brains out to escape it, like the titular character does. I'm not just dissing this movie because it depressed me: hell, Requiem for a Dream was just as depressing, and not a millionth as boring. I'm sorry to say this movie was merely hype, without much follow-through. Few saving graces were: pretty naked actresses (god, that sounds harsh), some funny moments and trying to place in which movie I'd seen Peaches' dad (the answer being Once Upon A Time In Mexico - a far more enjoyable film than this one, and a far more modest one, despite its exponentially higher budget). The ending threeway scene had this strange zen-like aura that seemed almost pleasant, were it not for the grating presence of the Shawn-character (there's another recent movie with a character named that... and it's better).

I must come off like a shallow poopoohead, but if I were truly so shallow, wouldn't I have just recommended it for the hot naked actresses? Wouldn't I? Search your feelings, you know this to be true.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

The Force will be with you, always...

[10/10 · 20 May 2005]

What a ride, George. What a ride.

I liked 1 and 2. I'm not ashamed to admit that. Upon repeat viewings their flaws became more glaring, but I always tuned those out, always telling myself it would all make sense once the saga was complete. There was a gnawing thought in the back of my mind, however, that all the detractors were right. That George had somehow lost his touch, that, when this was all over, the prequels would be a third nipple on the magnificent rack that was Star Wars.

Fortunately, it was not to be so. Sith is perhaps the crown jewel of the Star Wars saga, eclipsing even Empire. It is a hauntingly tragic tale of loss, friendship, love and ultimately betrayal.

Sith is a tight film: it's pacing moves relentlessly and never seems to grind to a halt the way Clones occasionally did. The acting is very good, and it's definitely the Hayden-Ian-Ewan show this time around, although special credit goes out to Frank Oz and ILM.

The best thing about Sith though, is that it makes iron foundations out of the prequels. Iron foundations upon which the classic trilogy may rest and be seen by an entirely new generation, or in an entirely new way by the old one. The Star Wars saga has transcended the medium of cinema to become an icon unto itself, an epic for modern day man.

Truly lucky are we, who live to see such times.

Ghosts of Albion: Legacy (2003)

Awesome series of shorts!

[10/10 · 31 May 2004]

If you guys weren't sure if Amber Benson was talented, check out this amazing series of Flash-animated episodes on the BBC website. Also let me say that it's totally cool of the BBC that we get to see a story (two, if you count the audiobook you can ALSO listen to or d/l for free) for no payment whatsoever! None!

The voice cast is excellent, the story well-written and the characters to die for (no pun intended). Especially Lord Byron is a hoot and a half. When I came across these shorts, I think I just watched them all consecutively in one night, they're THAT enthralling. Oh, and those monsters! I never thought a Flash animation could actually scare me! Now that's atmosphere, dude!

What I'm trying to say with this review is...

PAY AMBER BENSON MORE!

P.S. and oh yeah, I guess Christopher Golden is also quite the man, but I suspect he's not as hot as Amber, so... um... well... I'll just be quiet now.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.

[10/10 · 15 March 2004]

Okay, this one's long overdue. The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, or, as I simply shall refer to it from now on, ROTK, is a thrilling, wonderful, amazing retelling of the much-loved last part of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord Of The Rings. To call it one of the greatest accomplishments in film since some French bloke thought placing pictures next to each other would look groovy, would be quite apt. This title must, of course, be ascribed to the trilogy in its entirety, for it is all a single masterpiece. But ROTK has that one little thing the other two parts by definition cannot have: the payoff. Both Fellowship and Towers, while brilliant in their own respects, in fact merely exist to bring us to this point. As Gandalf states, the great battle of our time. And by Jove, what a battle it was. Visually as well as emotionally rich and tense beyond anything your nerves will be able to bear, the action set pieces in ROTK will blow you out of the water so far you'll reach the shores of Valinor before you can thank a single Maori at the Oscars. As amazing and stunning the settings, armies, costumes and CGI (Gollum/Sméagol being just so damn good you can't help but seeing him as an actor rather than a special effect), it's the heart of the story that'll draw you in. These are characters you've all come to care about, and you feel that they're putting everything on the line here to fight for what they believe in (yes, I also am a firm believer in non-annihilation-of-human-race-by-way-of-Dark-Lord). There is a sense of despair permeated throughout this film as opposed to the somewhat gung-ho adventures of the Fellowship in the first and (although to a much lesser extent) the second film. Even Gimli and Pippin seem to be somewhat dampened in spirit, given the fact they were the previous two films' funnymen. Dire straits, indeed. As in the previous two films, the actors are splendid in their roles, with no exception. This time though, the spotlight is for Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee, Frodo's country bumpkin gardener. He practically single-handedly personifies LOTR's recurrent themes of friendship, loyalty, bravery beyond duty, and love. Because of this, many believe him to be the true hero of the saga. That is, of course, a matter of personal opinion, though it is one I will gladly share. It is not without its minor shortcomings however (albeit very minor ones). The decision to exclude Saruman from the theatrical cut may have been a wise one pacing-wise, but as a rabid Christopher Lee fan, I thought it somewhat diminished the film. To put a more objective view on this, my mother after the film asked me 'what happened to Christopher Lee'. Maybe a lot of people who didn't read the book or aren't intent on buying the extended editions wonder(ed) the same thing. The end credits song by Annie Lennox is also the weakest of the three, in my humble opinion. I will admit it has grown a bit on me since the first time I heard it, though Annie's practical screaming of some verses still has me cringing. But by God man, don't let that stop you from experiencing ROTK or indeed, LOTR as a whole. Moments to watch out for in ROTK being: Pippin's song intercut with Faramir's death charge, 'For Frodo', the Ride of the Rohirrim, Eowyn (yes, there's nothing following that), Denethor's fall, the Lighting of the Beacons, and ANYTHING remotely surrounding Mount Doom. A lot has been made of the seemingly endless endings this film has, but I assure you, they are all in actuality one. They are not 'off-topic' or what have you, for they still pertain the matter of Frodo and the Ring (in this case Frodo's not being able to shake off its effects and needing to find peace sailing West). The only segment of the endings that you could find off-topic is Sam's coming home from the Grey Havens, and that hardly lasts two minutes. You've just sat through a three hour plus film, you'll be able to sit through two more minutes, won't you?

P.S. Legolas kills an Olyphaunt. It looks cool.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003)

How would YOU like your stake?

[15 March 2004]

Well, what can I say? Would `it's over' be cliché? I guess it would. I've waited several weeks, a couple of months even, to write this review of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. After the simply epic final episode Chosen, it would have been very difficult for me to write a level-headed, objective review of the show. Considerable time has passed now, and guess what? I'm still gonna write a pretty gosh-darn subjective review, baby. Buffy is, as most sensible fans will admit, pretty much a love or hate thing. Either you hopelessly fall for it or never even deem it worthy of a second glance. After all, it's called Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, right? You're absolutely right, Bob, it is called just that. What? So you mean I might as well watch Attack of the Mushroom People while I'm at it? You might, Bob, but you just might not see the same thing. You see, unlike Mushroom People, Buffy just sounds stupid. Little diff there. I haven't seen the film this show is basically a follow-up to, but reportedly it's not really worth anyone's time or effort and the show surpasses it in virtually every way. I will now give you quite a detailed retelling of my own personal experience of Buffy. For those of you who've never seen the show, but wish to discover it some time in the future, there are some SPOILERS ahead. Basically the premise is that of one girl born each generation called the Slayer. She has all these superpowers with which she can kill vamps and demons and such. She is guided by a Watcher from the Watcher's Council in London. When the Slayer dies, another one is immediately `activated' by whatever magic created the First Slayer in the first place. My first experiences with the show are a bit hazy. I think I must have ignored most (if not all) of the first season, labeling it just another teen show, albeit one with supernatural stuff going on. The character who bears the brunt of my wrath in most teen shows is the inevitable `hunky boyfriend'. Often this character is no more than a plot device for some `silly yet cute' stumbling from the heroine to ensue, or the raison d'être for all the angsty and/or swooning scenes; a MacGuffin, if you will. But even then I had to admit that those few episodes I did catch were pretty fun (and I'll admit now that I saw them mostly for Buffy and Willow). But Angel was no MacGuffin. His story arc reached a dramatic, and maybe even tentatively epic, conclusion. I felt sorry for poor MacGuffin when the second season ended, I'll tell you. And that right there is what's so great about Buffy. Series creator Joss Whedon had it all so carefully worked out, storylines thought of years in advance, every character's destiny carefully plotted. Except for Starwarsian silliness in terms of monsters and demons (i.e. the Loan Shark in season 6's Tabula Rasa), Buffy had some seriously GOOD WRITING. This was a show that could be honestly scary, funny, romantic or sad at times. The leads were all thoroughly - though certainly not flawless - likeable characters who could equally honestly make you laugh, smile, or, at exceptional times, cry. Especially the tragic story of Spike or William the Bloody was good at all three of these. His doomed love for the Slayer would transcend beyond the borders of time, space, and ultimately death itself. But there was plenty of tragedy without a lovesick vamp. Buffy's own impossible relationship with first love Angel and subsequent failures in every relationship since, the pointless and therefore even more unsettling death by cancer of her mother and responsibility over little sister Dawn. Willow's coming-out was a rather controversial choice, but a well-handled one, and always was this aspect of Will treated with respect. Her first girlfriend Tara (played by the incredibly versatile and talented Amber Benson) was quite possibly the cutest entity to ever grace the show, and there were many, oh yes. But it was not all tragedy, oh no. Humour could come from practically every character, though it was always best if it came from a `quirky' character like ex-demon Anya, the Nerds of Doom (especially Andrew), Spike, Xander or Giles. I'm not saying this was a perfect show, for even I had some quibbles here and there. Though I loved the humour, at times I found myself wondering if anybody could ever be this funny in real life conversations. People were so amusing at times that it could get somewhat unrealistic in terms of dialogue. It wasn't a sitcom after all. But hey, what am I complaining about, the show being too funny? Right, onto the next quibble; some props (especially weapons like swords and axes) were a little too clean-looking and polished, as if they were ordered right out of some goth boi magazine. Kind of the same is the thing with everyone looking so damn brushed off all the time. I mean sure, there were some beautiful actresses in it, but even they only portray real life characters, who have to walk around in a sloppy fashion at some point in their lives, right? But hey, look at the good parts: beautiful actresses who are damn good at what they do (along with the male cast of course); everybody's real funny most of the time; dramatic and even Epic storylines - the final season had more than a passing resemblance to the LOTR-trilogy in themes and atmosphere. You want to see an extremely well-written show on love, friendship, friends, family, redemption, good, evil, sex, death and lots and lots of kittens? See Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

Fave eps: Hush; Tabula Rasa; Once More, With Feeling; Chosen.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

Whoa...

[6 November 2003]

I liked The Matrix. Didn't think I'd eventually love it. I do now. After seeing Revolutions, that is. The first one made me say, "cool". The second one had me saying "cool" and "huh?". Mostly "huh". But this last one... just "whoa". This is not just about looking cool and intelligent and hardcore and making teenagers who don't really know anything about movies look smart and informed by saying they love "The Matrix". This is an epic struggle. Not for the survival of humanity. It would have survived either way. But for free will. Choice. I never really cared for the characters up until now. Okay, I'll admit, the first one was pretty tense, but besides that... no connection. But they sure plug you in on this one, baby. During the first two movies, I loved Smith. He was the coolest of the bunch. But now, I wanted him to die. Sure, he was still cool, but... you really hated him. The battle at Zion's dock walls for me stands as one of the most beautiful, exciting, involving sci-fi battles I've ever seen. I swear, this comes close to the Death Star run. Neo and Smith's climactic fight is truly a thing of beauty. It's Superman II and Dragonball and The Matrix (obviously) in one. Love it. And no, I didn't leave the "I" out of that sentence. That was an order.

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

'ey Mikey! Happy f***in' Halloween!

[10 September 2003]

Well, I'm not really a hardcore Halloween-fan, as I've only seen the first, but I actually pretty much enjoyed H:R.

I have to admit, I get a morbid sense of satisfaction out of plot devices used to prolong Slasher Mythos with endless sequels and the further unearthing of Killer Background Info to send 'em back to hell (but not too deep!); ie, Freddy's mother, Jason's parasite, Michael's Cult/Family thing. Not having seen the other Halloweens I don't know what this Thorn thing is all about, but having read on a fanpage that H20 dropped the concept of the Thorn and ignoring everything since 2, I was kinda disappointed. The only thing that was good for was luring Dawson's Creek-fed teenagers into the theatres to watch a nice not-too-far-from-the-Scream-formula slasher movie they could all enjoy. Is that selling out or what?

If I went in to watch H20 and I didn't get Michael's origin or whatnot, I would actually have rented the other movies to find out what I didn't get! Bad business, you say? Well, it's number 7 of a slasher-serial! Let's keep this in the B-movie realm where it belongs (note: in this I do not include 1, which is a classic)! So I actually didn't see that because it denied it's own B-movie roots. How hypocrite!

But then I found out about Halloween: Resurrection. What do you say? Reality-tv? Busta Rhymes? Why, this sounds like pure exploitative schlock to me! Off to the video store! And by golly, I got what I (minimally) paid for! From it's great opening in the sanitarium to Michael opening his eyes on the morgue table, this is a beautiful walk through B-Park.

I'll admit it, Busta is a crappy actor. But who cares? How many buxom blondes in so many slasher films were? I, for one, think his performance was hilarious. It was his one-liners in the "memorable quotes" section of the H:R page on imdb that got me renting this video. I didn't see Freddie Jones on screen, I saw Busta Rhymes. Freddie's over-enthusiastic personality is actually Busta's shouting out: "Oh my God! I landed a major role in an A-list flick! This could mean a significant increase in bank account size!". Well, funk that up a bit and you might have an idea of his train of thought.

Bianca Kajlich was an ok actress, I guess (at the very least she was a super funkin hot one!) and she played an unnoticeably written part unnoticeably (if you catch my drift.

The kills were cool, *SPOILER* though the One Who Showed Her Breasts might have a tad dull one *END SPOILER*. Also, my sister wished Jen (The Slutty One) would die by decapitation and *SPOILER* 30 seconds later, she does. *END SPOILER* We all had a larf.

The ending, *SPOILER* where Busta barged in and did the kung fu and the one-liners and the genital-frying *END SPOILER* were gut-wrenchingly funny (and gut-wrenchingly agonizing for true Halloween fans, who want these films to be still scary, like the first one, probably). Welcome to prime time, Busta!

Also, loved those two guys at that Halloween party, dressed as Jules and Vincent from Pulp Fiction, great nod there!

The only cons of this movie (well, for me) are the ones flowing forth from H20. There's no Killer Mythos, Michael still seems to kill for no reason except for that half-asked speculation by The One With The Breasts. All that stuff they find all over the house that turns out to be fake stuff placed there by Freddie and Nora (I don't count this as a spoiler as it pretty much leads to nothing) works really anticlimactic.

If you go to "alternate versions" on H:R's imdb page, you'll find that an intro was shot but discarded showing a Myers home video in which the Dad's filming everyone on a summer's day, but Michael keeps turning away his face. At the end of the intro, we finally get to see it and it turns out that Michael's eyes are completely black. That would at least have been SOME Killer Mythos!

But ah well, I digress. If you want two hours of pure, unadulterated schlock and have nothing against loud-mouthed rappers, rent Halloween: Resurrection.

You want horror, rent Halloween: Period. ;)

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

He's back.

[11 August 2003]

If you're a geek like me, you know stuff about movies before they hit theatres. It's called "the buzz". The buzz was pretty bad on T3. Linda Hamilton and James Cameron didn't want anything to do with it, it was a useless sequel made only for the cash, the online script sucked arse, yadda yadda yadda.

Well, booyakasha, did Jonathan Mostow prove everyone wrong. He made a humorous, exciting and at times, even dramatic/epic film. Is T3 a GOOD movie then, I hear you say in amazement? Yes, it is. It is beyond ENTERTAINING. It is GOOD. Depending on how it holds up on multiple viewings, it might even become GREAT.

We're heading into Subjectivesville, USA here, but I had an extreme fondness of the two other Terminators (especially T2). I spent summers, every day playing Terminator with my two neighbors (I was 11 back then or something). We took turns on who could be the T-800, John Connor and the T-1000. The concept of the Terminator is (as is Star Wars) a part of my childhood. So there is something about T3 (as with the prequels) that connects deep inside of me. But now that I've seen T3, I can honestly say that, unlike the prequels, it is not a GUILTY pleasure.

Arnie is born to play the part of the T-800 (but one does wonder why Skynet keeps building Terminators with Austrian accents) and the stoicine flair he does it with will have you cheering throughout the film. John Connor does not force him to soften up in this one, so it's all 2 TUFF 2 DIE all the time.

Nick Stahl is good as the doubting leader-to-be of mankind (though I'd still have preferred Ed Norton). He's sympathetic and likeable throughout, but unfortunately you don't get to see the transformation from alcoholic bum to Great Leader.

Claire Danes easily out-acts them all as Kate, John's future wife and second in command. Her reaction to the deaths of loved ones are almost as if she really was breaking out in tears on that set. PAY THIS GIRL MORE!!!

Kristanna Loken, my biggest doubt on this film. She can't possibly out-evil Robert Patrick as the T-1000 or even Arnie himself as the bad guy in the first one. She's just so damn hot! Well, to be frank, she didn't. She's not bad or anything, she does exactly what she had to do, but the sense of menace the T-1000 had just isn't there.

The story is a real winner. A friend whom I saw the film with fell asleep before the last half hour or so (he was TIRED, not cause it was crap), and if someone would have asked him about the ending, I assure you he could not give a correct answer.

So, do I want a T4? Yes, all it needs is Mostow, Stahl and Danes. And I assure you: THEY'LL BE BACK.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

We've all sucked spinning steel once more... (spoilers)

[27 December 2002]

...and will continue to do so throughout the course of movie history. Yes, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Peter Jackson is a genius. I was as much in love with Kate Winslet in "Heavenly Creatures" as Melanie Lynskey was. I fought my way through legions of Kiwi zombies in "Braindead". I saw the lamest show on Earth in "Meet the Feebles". I went bananas with Derek in "Bad Taste". I accepted the daunting task of taking the Ring to Mordor with Frodo. And now, I have partaken in the struggle that will save or doom Middle-earth. Nothing in this world can prepare you for the cinematographic orgasm that is "The Two Towers". In many fantasy/adventure films, you never really get to see the gravity of the situation. When a planet is saved, you're like... "yay, but you know, what else is gonna happen?" In this film, you really have the sensation that the heroes might not make it. They're fearful and doubting, yet you know that what they are doing is right. You know that they are heroes. What they do, what they embark upon, makes them heroes.

"Maybe this is all just way too big for us, Merry. Maybe we should do what he says and head back to the Shire. We're just little people after all."

But Merry and Pippin persevere. Just like Frodo, Sam, Aragorn and the rest. Even Sméagol does. Perhaps the most tragic thing of the film (and the entire saga) is that Sméagol is the only one who fails. His conflict is the most internal, less showy one of all three, but this is the one that is also the most poignant of all the storylines in the film. What happens when you're caught up in something as massive as the War of the Ring, but you're really not evil, just weak? In the final restaurant sequence in Pulp Fiction, Julius says to Honey Bunny something to the extent of how he thought he was the good man and Honey Bunny was the evil man, but now he realises that he is the "tyranny of evil men" and Honey Bunny is the weak man. Well, in The Fellowship of the Ring, we thought of Gollum as some sort of Hannibal Lecter, killing everyone who will get in between him and his precious. But in The Two Towers, we see he's really just Spud from Trainspotting. A lovable dope, trying to get some smack. It's the evils of this world that have turned Sméagol into his malevolent alter ego Gollum, and it's the evils of this world that keep him alive. The monologue/dialogue scene between Gollum and Sméagol might be one of the most powerful moments in film I have ever seen, together with Tarantino's "Madonna speech" and Yoda's "Do-or-do-not-there-is-no-try" thing. Oh yes, and did I mention Helm's Deep is an engrossing battle sequence, Brad Dourif was a slimy little c***sucker as Grima Wormtongue (bravo Chucky) and Sam's speech at the end is absolutely epic? Haven't I? Then find out for yourself by paying a measly 7 bucks for Peter Jackson's masterpiece at your local cinema.

xXx (2002)

How is X going to get out of this predicament?

[1/10 · 9 November 2002]

... Oh, he shot his way out. Didn't see that one coming. How will he escape next? You never know with someone like Xander Cage. His problem-solving capabilities range from shooting, blowing s**t up and driving really, really fast. Yeah, the movie's pretty stupid. No. Don't quote me on that. Quote me on this: the movie was VERY stupid.

Now, I don't mind stupid. Hell, I love stupid. The right mix of stupid and bad-ass can make for very rewarding viewing experiences (ie, 2004's The Punisher). Unfortunately someone forgot to throw in the bad-ass in this. Just like Cohen's previous effort The Fast and The Furious, xXx panders mainly to the Limp Bizkit crowd. Who could have known you can't write "poseur" without three x'es?

Infusing the soundtrack with embarrassingly bad hardcore, Cohen lets you know immediately you're in for a particularly annoying ride. A "regular" Bond-like spy is assassinated (at a Rammstein concert, of all places!). Nice symbolism there, Rob. Out with the old, in with the new, huh? Superspies don't cut it anymore people, we'll need... EXTREME SPORTS JERKS!

Especially painful is that he has three pretty charismatic leads (although Diesel's no Dwayne Johnson) and a capable villain. Imagine what this could have been with a director like John McTiernan and an R-rating...

Bones (2001)

It's dog eat dog, bro

[10/10 · 1 November 2002]

First of all, I'd like to point out this film features B.S. Dogg, esquire, as a resurrected pimp out for revenge on his murderers (in case you're wondering, B.S. stands for Bigg Snoop). Now, this man actually misspells three-letter words like "big" and "dog". This man is responsible for the creation of words like "izzey", "shizzey" and "my nizzey". I KNOW the kind of quality attached to the name Bigg Snoop Dogg. I rented Bones this Halloween anticipating one of those "so bad it's good" deals. Unfortunately it wasn't so bad it was good. Fortunately - and against all odds - it actually WAS pretty entertaining. Director Ernest Dickerson brings on all your horror clichés, which I don't consider a bad thing, and even slams in some blaxploitation clichés. There were enough references to horror classics to show Dickerson loves the biz-nass he's in. The comic relief in the later half also reminds us (after some darker parts) that this film is not to be taken seriously at all. Snoop delivers as the ghetto "Frank from Hellraiser" or "Jason Voorhees" or "Freddy Krueger" or whatever the f**k. The kids are as believable as you can get with the lines given to them (Lawson and Isabelle look good though). Michael T. Weiss is better than expected as "Loopy-Lou" Lupovich, the crooked cop. Pam Grier is her usual good self as well. But all in all, this truly is Snoop's film. I wish they'd do a franchise on this. After all, the Freddy sequels weren't as successful as the original, but still they made 'em. To me, Jimmy Bones is up there with other boogeymen like Pinhead, Michael Myers and the Candyman.

"The Gangsta of Love don't need no fried chicken!"

The Simpsons (1989– )

"I can't believe it's a law firm!"

[3 August 2002]

Only one of the fantastic one-liners from "The Simpsons", it shows perfectly what this dysfunctional, anarchistic sitcom is all about. "The Simpsons" is one of the few shows (let's face it, almost the ONLY) that actually gets better by the season.

In early episodes, when the animation was still quite crude and rugged and the actors seemingly hadn't nailed their voices quite yet, the series seemed to rely mostly on its "we're portraying a REAL family, unlike other sitcoms"-status. The jokes were a little childish and easy, back then. Apparently Groening wanted to lure the audience in and tie them to his own particular brand of humor later on.

And boy, what humor did it evolve into. The second and third seasons became more and more directed towards a more intelligent crowd; with the jokes for kids mainly used as fillers.

But the sheer orgasms of absurd humor it has become now. From rhino's laying eggs to a giant log rolling through America with an enormous depiction of Lisa's head on it to the f***ed up finale of the episode with that secret society ("Yeees... the island!!!")...

Kudos to you, Matt Groening. Kudos.

Don't ever stop.

You won't stop.

Cause you can't stop.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Pure magic

[10/10 · 19 May 2002]

Many fans may have been disappointed with The Phantom Menace (not me though) and hated the character Jar Jar Binks (again, not me) or Jake Lloyd's portrayal of Anakin Skywalker (yup, you guessed my opinion). The film was also too dry and impersonal (okay, you got me there). Let me just say that I feared the worst for Attack of the Clones. I was disappointed when the title was announced. I was disappointed when I saw the first teaser. I was disappointed when I saw the "Forbidden Love"-trailer. I started to show slight interest again when I saw the "Clone Wars"-trailer. So I went to see this with a minimum of expectations - some sort of "Pearl Harbor" in space, let's say. Boy, was I WRONG! The love story didn't annoy me one bit, as I thought it would. At the beginning, when Ani's love remains unanswered, I felt sorry for him. When Ani and Padmé are driven into the arena near the end, I felt tearing up inside at the (hokey, but so heart-warmingly delivered) line: "Every day since I saw you again, a part of me has died. I truly, deeply love you." Poor Padmé. I felt so bad for her, especially knowing what'll happen to her love in EpIII. Obi-Wan was, as we say in Ebonics, the illest (great, entertaining and loveable performance, as usual, by our man Ewan). Temuera Morrison was a likeable villain in the role of Jango Fett and Christopher Lee felt like one of the old-time Star Wars villains - which is positive, of course. Samuel L. Jackson was - as usual - a BAD ASS MOTHAF***A! Heads up, Jango! Yoda shows us why he's the Master (terrific contrasts: in the beginning of the film he makes jokes in front of his little Padawans at Obi-Wans expense and praises the innocence of children and at the end, he just totally whupps "Matrix"-style ass!) And watch out for Hayden Christensen's positively Pacino-esque "I hate them!"-monologue. Powerful the dark side has become indeed. Let's hope it remains that way for Episode III.