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Polychrome9
Reviews
Cunk on Earth (2022)
Is This Supposed To Be Funny?
I have no idea how this can possibly be rated so high - they can't be real reviews! The humor in this show is about a kindergarten level. No one with any brains at all could possibly laugh at it. If this is what the world thinks is funny, we're well on our way to "Idiocracy". The Brits used to give us quality comedy with the likes of Monty Python, Blackadder, AbFab, and Fawlty Towers. This brainless prattle isn't fit to be mentioned in the same paragraph with shows like these. Netflix is cancelling GOOD shows to give us pablum like this? Shame on you Netflix, you people know you can do better.
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar (2021)
Kristen Wiig What Were You Thinking?!?
There aren't enough drugs in the world to make me think this is even remotely funny. Kristen Wiig has more talent than this - to whom did she owe a favor?
Don't Look Up (2021)
Like a Bad SNL Skit
This movie was so bad I couldn't finish it. Made it about 2/3 of the way through and just couldn't handle it. Satire...farce...not sure what it was trying to be but it certainly was offending everyone equally. Was it supposed to be a send-up of the Trump administration's failed Covid-19 programs? I think this is what Democrats think of Republicans and vice versa.
The story is ludicrous, the film is about an hour too long, most of the actors are hamming it way over the top (I'm looking at you, coke-sniffing Jonah Hill), and absolutely no one behaves in a logical manner.
What a waste of time, money, and talent.
Midnight Mass (2021)
Killing Cats and Dogs!
I only made it through 1 1/2 episodes. Killing cats and dogs is a major turn-off, I had to TURN OFF the episode. Won't watch anymore. Incredibly slow story, as after 1 1/2 episodes I had no idea what this was supposed to be about. Good acting but poor script.
Brand New Cherry Flavor (2021)
Graphic and Senseless
This was well-done, so I watched it to the end hoping it would all make sense. Sadly, it didn't. A drug-induced revenge "story" filled with wanton violence that never really fills in any of the gaping plot holes or character blanks. I generously gave it 3 stars for the quality of the production.
The ABC Murders (2018)
Mais Non...
Despite the obvious amount of money spent on this production, it simply wasn't up to par. Who in their right mind though John Malkovich would be a good Poirot?!? This was dismal, slow, and depressing - and it felt as if the actors were simply "phoning in" their parts because they realized the script was so bad. The story was incredibly slow and one had no empathy for any of the characters.
Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
Desperately Seeking an Editor
Too long, too slow, and in desperate need to editing. A sorry sequel to an excellent film, BR2049 doesn't have the same feeling of reality that the original had. The actions of the characters felt scripted, I kept asking myself why would they do that? I also kept looking at the clock (always a bad sign).Beautiful, obviously expensive effects sadly wasted on a thin, poorly explained story.
Superstition (2017)
Average Pilot - Hope it Gets Better
Okay, we all know this is a "Supernatural" ripoff. That said, it really wasn't as bad as some of the reviews claim. Pilots have a tendency to be shaky, as they are introducing characters and backstory - so I intend to give it several more episodes. I like the premise, and having the family running a funeral home is just so *right*! Now they need to spend more time on wasting evil and less time on interpersonal relationships.
Left Behind (2014)
Worse than a Cheesy T.V. Movie!
I can't believe this thing was actually shown in theaters! I am willing to watch some pretty cheesy stuff that's shown on SyFy channel and is made-for-TV, but this rates even below that. Characters do things that make no sense, virtually no plot, and so much suspension of disbelief you might as well put it into orbit. The script is like something on Hallmark channel or Lifetime, sappy and lifeless, and if you're hoping for some action or disasters to spice things up you're out of luck. Apparently no budget, either! And to add insult to injury the film just ended with no real resolution. Nicolas Cage did much better in this genre with "Knowing".
I Will Follow You Into the Dark (2012)
Self-Indulgent Drivel
I usually try to avoid movies where the writer and director are the same person. There's a reason for this - and this film is a prime example. You NEED that second opinion - there are long, boring scenes that no competent director would have left intact. The basic story could have been done better, but there was so little development other than artsy montages. The production values were actually pretty good, but the story was weak and the plot incoherent. I think the scenes were not chronological - but it was not obvious if they were flashbacks, dreams, or what. The acting wasn't bad either, but without character development I just didn't care about these people.
Sherlock Holmes (2010)
Just Plain Bad
Really bad, not even funny. Bad acting, bad writing, bad special effects. I gave it two stars because some of the steam-punk-style gear and gadgets were kind of cool. But not even remotely enough to save a film with little discernible storyline. Our motivation-less villain hammed it up to the point of silliness, Watson did not seem to have read the script and had no idea what was going on (neither did the audience!), and Holmes was phoning in this performance. Now, I didn't expect much from this production company (it is a low-budget schlock-shop), but usually I get a story I can follow. The Asylum really slipped up this time.
The American (2010)
An hour and a half of my life I'll never get back...
A poor offering from George Clooney. The (very thin) plot was slow and predictable. Usually this type of story spends more time on characters, but they were not very well fleshed out either. Clooney phoned this one in - he seemed to have one expression and no emotion until the last five minutes of the film. None of the characters were the least bit likable; I could not care less what happened to them, which made it difficult to get "into" the story at all. In fact, the only redeeming quality of this movie is the lovely Italian countryside you get to see lots of in the long shots of the main character driving around. Avoid this unless you can't sleep.
Junebug (2005)
Truly Awful
One of the worst films I have seen in years. On my list of "did I really waste the last 2 hours of my life" movies. It was fine technically, but suffers so much from three major flaws. First, there isn't a single likable character in here. They are either self-centered, moronic, mean, psychotic, or lazy. None of them changes during the course of the film into a better person, or recognizes the error of their ways.
Second, there is no story. Nothing happens to draw us into the lives of these characters. Things happen that SHOULD make us care, but because the characters don't seem to feel real or likable we can't care what happens.
Lastly, the movie also has a pacing problem; everything just plods along at the same speed, with no regard for the inherent importance to the plot.
I cannot heartily enough recommend that you AVOID this film.
Avatar (2009)
Not enough plot to support this long a movie.
I would have given a better rating if the film had been better edited. Many scenes were too long, and just needed to be cut down a bit. The The basic story was one that has been done many times before, with all of the updated CGI and other high-tech trappings we expect in movies today. The effects were really all that carried the film, and they were excellent. Unfortunately, I think after spending all that money on the cool graphics no one wanted to cut out any of it - so the scenes all went on just a bit too long. James Cameron has achieved something of a god-like status in film-making, and he needs to find an editor that can stand up to this and clean up the footage properly. Cutting this film down from 160 minutes to 130 minutes would have produced a work that was clean, tight, and right on the mark.
Eragon (2006)
A Poor Attempt.
I realise making a movie out of a book is difficult, especially since there wasn't much original in the book to work with in the first place. But it would have been nice to see a bit more story, and less running from place to place. The choices of which scenes to leave out and which to leave in did nothing to enhance the plot. And don't get me started on the acting - where on earth did they get Edward Speleers anyway?!? The casting would have been better if Garrett Hedlund had been playing Eragon, he had so much more realistic emotion and didn't spend all his time smirking at the camera. The dragon was pretty cool, too bad Saphira had to have an Eragon.
V for Vendetta (2005)
A thrilling mix of intense action and character development!
I was initially hesitant to see V for Vendetta. It was written by the Wachowski brothers, and the only other work of theirs I have seen was The Matrix. I liked The Matrix, but it was difficult to follow, and I didn't want to get sucked into another multiple-movie storyline where the only good film was the first. I went to the movie based on the IMDb rating and not only was I not disappointed - I was thrilled! This film has lots of action, but the characters are fully fleshed out. You find a great deal of empathy for both Evey and V. The social commentary was not overpowering, certainly less so than many other films I've seen. I thoroughly enjoyed it and highly recommend it!
Ying xiong (2002)
You saw everything good in the previews...
...and nowhere in any of the advertisements did it tell you to expect subtitles! When I go to a movie, I want to watch a movie, not read. If I want to read, I'll read a book. All the good action sequences were already shown in the previews, and there was very little story, character development, or plot to speak of. I like Jet Li, I think he is a talented actor, but this film was a poor vehicle. Just because it had "Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon"-style special effects and was based on a "true" story does not mean it was a good film. This film was all "atmosphere", and I suggest you wait until it shows up on cable - don't waste your hard-earned money on seeing this in the theaters.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
An excellent film, but needed more editing!
A bit too long - no need for this movie to be the 3 1/2 hours it was. The first two films were so good, we know this one could have been edited down to under 3 hours! Minor changes in the plot, but basically true to Tolkein's essense. Top-notch action scenes, superb graphics, one of the best films of 2003!
The Haunted Mansion (2003)
The little kids will like it...
...but the jaded adults will not. Especially not the jaded young adults! Aside from Eddie Murphy, whom I find tiresome when he isn't being the butt of the joke, the movie is like the amusement park ride. You loved it when you were little, but as you grew older your reasons for going changed.
The effects are, of course, state-of-the-art. Only a couple of genuinely spooky scenes, not too much for the real little kids. Enough action to keep you from checking your watch. Take your kids but leave the teenagers behind!