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Mission Zero (2007)
A commercial for car tyres
A short sequence of a car chase - beautiful car (Lamborghini) driven by a beautiful girl (Uma Thurman) chased, shot at, even when she gets out of the car she is attacked. But the chase sequences are very tame and lack any sense of excitement, no doubt the makers of this advert didn't want to damage such an expensive car, but it rather stretches belief when the car acquires numerous bullet holes but otherwise remains immaculate and continues to be fully drivable, while Uma Thurman acquires various bloody wounds and also remains fully functional.
(spoiler coming up) It does make a bit more sense when you see the ending, which is that she is actually doing this as a virtual reality video game in the tyre dealer's showroom and she emerges unscathed from the VR headset.
Even as a free download it is not worth watching.
The Thick of It (2005)
Brilliant dialogue ruined by dire camera-work
This series would have merited 10/10 - superb slick humour and a horribly plausible satire on Blair's style of government.
But the lurching camera-work constantly wandering over the cast and zooming back and forth like the most inept inebriated amateur home-movie maker was intensely irritating. No doubt some nerd in BBC4 thought it was clever, or intended it to mimic dogme style, but it was just plain stupid. It made me feel queasy fairly rapidly and I didn't get beyond the first episode. I do not intend to stuff myself with sea-sick pills just to be able to watch a TV series, so I was forced to abandon ship...
A pity as I would have enjoyed it otherwise.
Rome (2005)
What a waste of time...
I've waited until the complete series of episodes had been shown on BBC before commenting, carefully watching each episode in the hope that it might improve. But no, it was an expensive waste of the filming budget from start to finish.
Although only moderately accurate historically, I wasn't too bothered that it was turned into a soap opera about the adventures of the two centurions, grafted onto a background of some of the more well known episodes of Roman history. But the weak acting and poor direction, dreadful lighting and patchy sound recording were inexcusable. Much has been made of the nudity and sex: there was actually very little nudity, certainly by Roman standards, and the sex was mostly coyly concealed by the lousy lighting. I can not imagine any of it being in the least offensive.
Some complain the violence was too graphic, but this was the norm then - killing someone with a sword is more bloody and brutal than with a bullet, and the average Hollywood war movie often has more blood. Some of the killing was rather unrealistic, such as the decapitation with the edge of a shield in the final gladiator fight, nor will even the sharpest of swords cut quite so cleanly and easily through an arm or leg as depicted several times.
Those who suggest that this series is a modern day equivalent of "I, Claudius" are sadly mistaken. Indeed I have now gone and bought the DVD version of "I, Claudius" just to savour again the superb acting, dialogue and intrigue that series had - but I certainly would not waste my money on a DVD version of "Rome" if one exists (I've not bothered to find out). If you haven't seen "I, Claudius" do track it down - it shows up just how awful the "Rome" series really is.
Die Screaming Marianne (1971)
A total waste of Susan George...
I got the DVD as I am a great fan of Susan George, who normally is prepared to flaunt her excellent physique in many of her films (we see plenty of her in "Straw Dogs", A Strange Affair" etc.), but this film goes out of its way to totally keep her covered: even in the bubble bath she is wearing clothes under the foam!
The continuity is truly risible - for example, in the above bath scene, all the close ups show her dry and her breasts covered with the white bra, but longer shots show her covered in foam but the bra still visible under the bubbles! In another sequence they leave the airport in a black Mercedes registration number BA-99-77, but in the very next shot the car's registration plates have changed to 11-32-32. The make-up on her face to show that her half-sister has tortured her with a cigarette lighter is seen before the incident happens.
The plot, direction and lighting is all dire too. Fortunately I only bought the DVD secondhand very cheaply, as it was a total waste of money.
I, Claudius (1976)
They don't make them like this anymore...
Watching the current dire "Rome" series on BBC2 reminds me every week just how brilliant "I Claudius" was. I watched every episode of the original broadcasts back in the 1970s and avidly re-watched the repeats later.
In "I Claudius" the acting was superb, the characterisation excellent, and both the camera-work and the sound quality were spot on. Derek Jacobi was just perfect in the role of Claudius, and Sian Phillips superb as the scheming Livia. John Hurt was also well suited to the role of Caligula. I was already a fan of Robert Graves books, and this dramatisation did them full justice.
I dare the BBC to re-run a repeat of the original "I Claudius", but I suspect they wouldn't, as it would show up just how awful "Rome" is.