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Road Trip Romance (2022)
The Most Bizarre Thing I've Ever Seen
I'm not going to review this movie as a whole. For the most part, it's your standard Hallmark drivel. Guy and Girl don't like each other at first, they're WAY too hung up on high school, they start to realize that they might have feelings for each other, etc.
What I AM going to focus on is the absolutely bewildering part of the movie where the main characters get stuck in the middle of nowhere because a raving lunatic wants them to sleep in a tent in his yard.
Long story short, the main characters' car breaks down, and a tow truck driver arrives to take them to his mechanic's shop. He tells them that he won't be able to work on the car that night, because he's done for the day. In no way does he imply that he WON'T work on it the very next day. In a major red-flag move, he invites them to stay at his house with him and his wife.
When they arrive at the house (like a pair of complete morons who shouldn't be allowed to button their own pants, let alone take a cross-country road trip on their own), he tells them that they'll be sleeping in a tent in his yard. They meet his wife, who, I kid you not, is stoned out of her freaking gourd throughout the rest of the movie. She laughs and giggles at anything and everything, and treats even the most reasonable questions like "yo mama" jokes. She's a lunatic, and her creepy little skeev of a husband is just as bad.
The next day, the main characters try to charge their phones, but their captors won't let them, because the whole town has gone "off grid" to make the local renaissance fair "more authentic." The mechanic also tells them he won't be working on their car that day, because he wants to go to the renaissance fair. He in no way, shape, or form warned them of this the day before. I don't want to know what he did while they were sleeping in his yard, but I'm 100% positive it was illegal.
They go to the lamest renaissance fair in history, where the mechanic who's SO obsessed with historical accuracy that he won't even let them charge their cellphones is selling wooden toys of...cars, trucks, and planes.
I've been to legit Ren Fairs before, and those things are NOT there. Why on earth WOULD they be?
The mechanic and his stoner wife then go on to call anyone and everyone M'lord and M'lady so many times I was ready to put my fist through the TV. They also think it historically accurate to add "eth" to the end of every freaking word they say. It's the most grating, asinine dialogue I've ever heard in any movie.
This is absolute, unequivocal garbage, and Hallmark should be embarrassed by it.
Warming Up to You (2021)
The Wicked B$%#& of the West
Normally, I wind up hating the male characters in Hallmark movies. That was not the case with this movie. I LOATHE the female lead in this movie. She is without a doubt the most arrogant, insufferable, wildly unlikable character I've ever seen in a Hallmark movie.
Right out of the gate, she starts insulting anyone and everyone other than the person in the mirror. She straight-up body shames the male lead the very first time she meets him, and never stops doing so throughout the movie. If the roles were reversed, this movie never would've made it onto TV. Her shrill, aggressive personality is a far cry from flirty teasing or banter, either - she'd just outright mean and talks down to anyone who disagrees with her uptight, arrogant lifestyle. I couldn't even finish this garbage because of her. The only way I'd ever consider finishing it is if an alternative ending existed in which she was run over by a stampede of wildebeests.
The one star I gave this is for the male lead, mostly because I feel sorry for him for having to deal with such a thunder-b****.
Sweeter Than Chocolate (2023)
It's not the worst Hallmark movie ever, but that doesn't make it good.
Hallmark Channel has done it again; and by "it," I mean forced out another movie with all the thrills and intrigue of an optometrist's waiting room. Starring Eloise Mumford as "Lucy Sweet" (because of COURSE the chocolatier protagonist's surname is 'Sweet') and Dan Jeannotte as "Dean Chase" (he's a reporter...and his last name is Chase...and catering for the film was provided by a man named Cook, I'm sure), the film follows Lucy as she prepares for her business's busiest time of the year: Valentine's Day. Lucy is a chocolatier, which is somewhat difficult to discern, as it's only mentioned four or five times every minute, leaving audiences to wonder at times if the pace of the plot might be a bit too breakneck. The décor and layout of her poorly-lit chocolate shop may be best described as "Uncomplicated" or even "You remember the chocolate factory from Willy Wonka? Imagine that, but in reverse." The shelves (of which there are approximately two) are lined with austere boxes of...something. Chocolate, maybe? It's impossible to tell. A glass display case holds samplings of the shop's most popular confections, allowing the viewing audience to marvel at the wonder of at least three different varieties of identical chocolates.
Lucy's greatest claim to fame is her family's special treat: The Chocolate Cupids. If you forget that they're called Cupids, don't worry; the movie will remind you literally every time a character speaks. Why are they called chocolate Cupids, do you ask? Is it because they're shaped like little naked Cherubs? No; they're plain truffles with some sort of syrupy filling. It's like a Ferrero Rocher, but worse in every conceivable way. It isn't the taste of the chocolate that makes it famous, however - it's (I promise I'm not making this up) the treat's evident ability to make couples fall in love with each other. This point is stressed within the first half-fractal of a millisecond by Lucy's best friend, Serena, who is the human version of what would happen if a Pomeranian forgot to take its Ritalin and got really into energy drinks.
After enduring several minutes of Lucy half-whispering and twitching nervously any time someone glances in her direction, we move to Dean Chase, a reporter with a proclivity for exposing fake stories (including one about giant, fake zucchinis; sometimes, the jokes write themselves). The most memorable thing about Dean is that, although the plot doesn't mention it in any way, shape, or form, he evidently has some sort of lung disorder, as he is incapable of delivering even the briefest line without first sucking in enough air to launch a dirigible.
Dean's boss directs him to create an expose on the Chocolate Cupids, presumably because the town in which the story takes place (I think it was called Valentine; because OF COURE it is) is about as exciting as playing "Battleship" by yourself. Dean hurries to Lucy Sweet's Sweet shop, where he immediately runs into Lucy herself (they had, of course, already run into each other earlier that day, because they have a rare vision defect that doesn't allow them to see things directly in front of them) and starts monologuing about his plan to expose the Chocolate Cupids as the diabolical lie that they are. This, of course, sours Lucy's opinion of him, though she doesn't let her disdain show - mostly because she's incapable of showing any emotion other than "nervous schoolgirl about to ask her crush to go see 'Minions: Rise of Gru' with her."
Dean begs Lucy to give him just five minutes of her time. Lucy agrees, and soon after allows Dean to interview her about the chocolate shop. It is revealed during the interview that Lucy has never sampled one of the Chocolate Cupids (disregarding the #1 rule of renowned chef Mung Daal, "To make good food, a good chef must always taste it"), because she lives in perpetual dread of its potent ability to make people fall in love. This in turn reveals Lucy's crippling commitment issues, which can be stimulated by the mere thought of eating a freaking bonbon, but Dean doesn't seem to catch onto this.
For reasons beyond the explanation of science or reason, the interview goes over very well, prompting Dean's boss to send him back to Lucy for more information about a single item in a family-owned chocolate shop. Lucy brings in various couples who've all tried the chocolate Cupids together; most of them, though, acknowledge that the supernatural chocolates didn't really corelate directly with them finding love, but rather that they did, at some point, eat the chocolates, and later, at some other point, they fell in love. This forms an interesting link between the chocolates and literally everything else that can happen in a person's life, insinuating that the candies holds sway not only over people's romantic lives, but over their opportunities to find new jobs, to try new foods, to stop watching "Friends" because it's trash, and even death itself. If you eat of the Cupids, you will surely die. None of the characters pick up on this little caveat, though; doubtless, they're too busy wondering how two people with as little chemistry as Lucy and Dean could possibly be considered love interests. It's like if plain white bread was matched with another piece of plain white bread; it's not outright disgusting, per say, but it's certainly no sandwich.
During the interviews, Lucy's irritating friend, Serena, learns that her boyfriend (whom she found, according to herself and perhaps even one of her many therapists, via the divine intervention of the sacred Cupids) is still in contact with a woman he went on a single date with a long time ago. This is, of course, crushing information for Serena, who firmly believes that a man in a committed relationship (specifically with her) shouldn't acknowledge the existence of other women in any way, shape, or form. She later has a heart-to-heart with Lucy about it, but it really doesn't affect the plot at all, so who cares?
At some point because reasons Lucy has to go with Dean to some sort of company Valentine's Day party. She dresses very fancy, and he does his best. They almost do a kiss. More stuff happens. Lucy doesn't want to eat a chocolate because an old boyfriend did something hurtful. To be honest, I dozed off at this point. I think Lucy showed Dean how to make the dang chocolates or something, but wouldn't tell him the secret ingredient. I could've easily just been thinking about the Secret Ingredient Soup from Dreamwork's Kung Fu Panda, though. I'm USUALLY thinking about Kung Fu Panda.
Later, after I was awoken by a dull pain in my spine that comes with being over the age of 30, I learned that Dean had gone to interview for an anchor position in New York. He turned back up just in time for the big interview (because the news station was STILL fascinated by the stupid bonbons for some reason) with Lucy. Live on the air, he and Lucy both ate the Cupids, and then made out on camera while a gleeful crowd of closeted perverts cheered them on. Lucy says that the secret ingredient is courage, because "love" would've been too easy.
Overall, "Sweeter than Chocolate" was about as memorable as a glass of water. Neither Lucy nor Dean were reprehensible (as is the case with the majority of Hallmark movies), but they also weren't in any way interesting, unless you're intrigued by things like dust motes or the color beige. This movie really could've benefitted from Jessica Lowndes pretending to be a singer, or Lacey Chabert trying to make us all forget that she once played Gretchen Wieners. I don't believe I've ever seen Eloise Mumford act in anything before; after watching "Sweeter than Chocolate," I'm still not sure I've seen her act in anything. The ending would've been better if Serena had choked on a Cupid, rendering her mute for the rest of her life. Why do I watch these things? I mean, I know why I watch the Jessica Lowndes ones, but why the rest? Is it my desire to have my own twisted version of MST3K or Rifftrax, or some Pharisaical effort to atone for my own inherent sinfulness? I know only one thing for sure: No one watches these because they're quality cinema.
From Friend to Fiancé (2019)
Wow! A Hallmark movie where I didn't hate the two leads.
Hallmark. What are you doing? You're supposed to be 100% cringe 100% of the time. And yet here I am, having just watched one of your movies without the taste of bile in my mouth. Not only did I not hate the leads in this movie - I actually liked them! Well, I liked the female lead, anyway - the male lead was kinda just okay.
The main characters of this movie are Jess and Ted. Ted, overall, is just sort of there throughout most of this movie. He's a nice guy, and I don't openly despise him, which is a far cry from most of the male leads in Hallmark movies these days - don't get me started on "Pervert Max" in "I Do, I Do, I Do." He is, admittedly, kind of an idiot, wanting to marry a girl he's been dating for all of five minutes, but at least he doesn't gaslight or degrade the female lead.
Jess is the most likable Hallmark heroine I've seen in a long time. She's quirky, funny, and all around sympathetic. She DOES over implement the juvenile phrase "LIKE like" far too much, but if that's the worst thing I can say about a character in one of these movies (where the female lead if often desperately in love with whiney, self-absorbed, entitled man-babies), then she's doing something right. The actress, Jocelyn Hudson, does a great job of portraying the character as sweet, a little goofy, but overall very likable.
Without getting into spoilers, the movie DOES wrap up in a sort of unsatisfying way, mostly because it seems rushed.
Overall, for the first time ever, I can say about a Hallmark movie, "I didn't hate it."
A Match Made at Christmas (2021)
Hallmark loves abusive men.
Imagine yourself at a restaurant famous for its comfort food. Many mock it for its overall simplicity, but just as many find solace in the familiarity of the meals it offers. You sit down at a table, order the same meal you've eaten many times before, and take your first bite. Right away, you notice a bitter undertone to the familiar flavors. An unpleasant graininess distracts you from the textures you've come to expect. Something, you quickly realize, is deeply wrong - the simplistic recipe has been tainted.
This is what it was like to watch A Match made at Christmas. It has all the staples of a classic, generic Hallmark movie. There's a heroine who wants to find love and get marries, a strange small town tradition relating to people falling in love, and, of course, it's set at Christmas time. Then came the spoiling ingredients, which have, unfortunately, become the norm for Hallmark movies.
What does Hallmark have against love interests who take an immediate liking to each other? The two leads in this move, Holly and Chris, are immediately disdainful of one another - and, in Holly's case, for good reason. Chris is an insufferable, short-tempered man-child with mommy issues. Almost straightaway, he mocks Holly for her love of Christmas, and spews out a few cliched lines about it being overly-commercialized (I kept wondering where he kept his neck-beard and fedora). Throughout the move, he is verbally abusive toward her, mocking and belittling her interests, blaming her for things beyond her control, raging at her for trying to help him get his miserable life in order. He acts like her offering him advice is the same as her forcing him to do something against his will. Overall, he is a deeply unpleasant character with no discernible positive traits. Also, Tim Llewellyn plays the part with all the acting prowess of a piece of driftwood. His expression is the same in every single scene, no matter what's happening. His acting never reaches his eyes.
Then there's Holly's soon to be sister-in-law, her best friend, Angela. Angela is every bit as abusive and nasty as Chris, but in different ways. Because she doesn't have a lot of money, she asks Holly to plan her wedding for her. This is established very early on. So, naturally, Holly plans the wedding. Because she was asked to plan the wedding. This, evidently, is a problem for Angela, who throws a full-blown tantrum about Holly making all the decisions for her wedding. She claims that the only reason she let Holly plan it is because she knew it would hurt her if she didn't. Angela is a cereal gaslighter who, like Chris, never shows an ounce of redeeming characteristics. She's a selfish, cruel woman who bullies someone who was just trying to help her (in fact, someone she ASKED to help her completely for free). Holly, acting like the true victim she is, even goes so far as to buy Angela the wedding dress of her dreams. What, I would ask Hallmark, did she do to deserve it?
Just about every character in this movie verbally and mentally abuses the main lead in some way. Rather than presenting this as a negative, and having Holly come to her senses and remove herself from these toxic people, Hallmark presents this abuse as a good thing that helps Holly see that she's too pushy or something stupid like that. The audience should be rooting for the leads to get together; in this case, I was actively wishing Holly would punch Chris in the gut and tell him to get out of her sight.
Awful movie, and further proof that Hallmark can no longer conceive of any love story that doesn't involve intense and criminal abuse.
Harmony from the Heart (2022)
The Redheaded Friend is a Lunatic
I want you to imagine you're meeting someone for the first time. You find them attractive, but being above the age of fourteen, you've come to realize that looks are far from the most important thing in establishing a relationship with someone. You greet them in a friendly manner, and tell them about the single most important thing in your life, your greatest passion and joy. Now, how would you feel about this person if they immediately scoff at your interests, belittle them, and assert that THEIR way of doing things is intellectually and morally superior. You probably wouldn't have a very high opinion of this person, right.
Wrong! If you're this movie's protagonist, Violet, you fall desperately in love with the smug little sack of obnoxiousness.
Granted, Violet DOES act, at first, as if she dislikes the movie's love interest, Dr. Blake Williams (if you forget he's a doctor, don't worry - he'll remind you ever five freaking seconds; if you forget his name, meanwhile, remember you're watching a Hallmark movie, which limits the male love interest's name to either Luke, Blake, or Josh). And why shouldn't she? The dude is a textbook narcissist who loves himself like Kanye loves Kanye. He immediately disparages Violet's career in music therapy (or rather, Hallmark's version of music therapy - I think it's probably about as accurate as Disney's version of Pocahontas), and is generally just a jerk to her. I don't care how attractive you think a person is - if they're a jackass to you right out of the gate, they're not a suitable romantic partner.
Now, let's go back to our exercise in imagination for a moment. I want you to imagine you're in line at the grocery store. While waiting to purchase your goods, someone purposefully rams their shopping cart into you, curses you for being in their way, and throws tomatoes at you. Afterwards, you go home and tell your best friend about the encounter. How would you expect your friend to react? Outraged, right?
Wrong again! If you're Violet's best friend, Desiree, you think that the assailant sounds like a perfect match for your bestie. Violet tells her about how rudely Blake has been treating her, to which Desiree responds, "You seem to care an awful lot about what this Dr. Blake Williams thinks." ........ Huh? Let's back up and talk about Desiree for a second. The woman is borderline swooning on a twenty-four-hour basis. If she were a midwestern reptile, she'd be a horny toad. She thinks of nothing but an extremely unrealistic and unattainable version of romance every second of her existence. For example, when Violet tells her that she's going out of town, Deisree's immediate response is, "Ahh. Romantic getaway for one?" What the heck does THAT mean, you nitwit substitute for Belgian waffles? Take a cold shower, start collecting stamps, watch a documentary on Sumatran rhinos, SOMETHING other than obsessing over "romance."
Those are really my two biggest issues with this movie. It does, of course, have all the traditional Hallmark tropes. The girl and the guy don't like each other, but slowly they start to develop feelings for each other, because reasons (what those reasons are, I'm not sure; Blake is consistently a jerk to Violet throughout the movie). Jessica Lowndes sings a couple of times (because I'm pretty sure it's in her standard contract that she has to sing at least three times per film), and isn't terrible in the role of Violet (except that Violet is kind of an idiot). I won't spoil the plot for you. It's far from the worst Hallmark movie I've ever seen, but given the characters of Blake and Desiree, I have to give it a low score. They're just completely insufferable throughout the movie.
The Love Club (2023)
The Cinematic Equivalent To Eating Gravel
Imagine, for a moment, that you are an Anglo-Saxon serf, living a quiet life on the banks of a river in the early ninth century. The entirety of your world is confined to the village in which you live, to the tanneries on the edge of town to the bakeries that set your hungry stomach to rumbling with not but a whiff of their deliciously perfumed air. Your modest hovel lies in the shadow of an ancient stone stele, a relic of the Romans who once conquered and ruled these lands. You know nothing of conquest or savagery, though. Yours is a peaceful life, difficult at times, but far from loathsome.
One day, as you stroll along the banks of the river to check your father's eel traps, you notice something in the distance, like a great bird gliding along the face of the water. But no, it's not a bird at all, but a sail, striped the white of virgin snow and the scarlet of blood soon to flow. The trap falls with an unheard splash from your limp hand. You've heard the tales from the coastal villages, but never would you have dreamed that such a thing could happen in your sleepy little hamlet. They've come to kill and to rob - the raiders of Denmark and Norway. The Vikings are upon you.
In blind terror, you race toward the town square to raise the alarm, though you know it will do no good. There are no great warriors in your village, only old men with time-gnawed swords and reedy children with sticks. As you ready yourself to fight - nay, to die - you have but one solace to lend strength to your soon-to-be-hewn limbs: At least you'll die before you have to see "The Love Club."
I have to wonder if Hallmark intentionally created the protagonists of this movie to be the most unlikable characters in any form of artistic medium ever. The primary protagonist, a back-stabbing harpy named Nicole, is engaged to a man named Warren, who commits the ultimate sin in her eyes of confessing that he thinks having birdhouses on the front porch might lead to bird-related messes. With her marriage to the bird-hating fiend fast approaching, Nicole takes out a set of old letters she received from a pen pal in college, which contain poetry that she thinks is brilliant. Given her likeness for said "poems," Nicole also likely finds the jokes on Laffy Taffy wrappers hysterical, and gets all of her medical advice from Web MD. That is to say, the poems are complete and utter garbage. They're the excrement that mediocrity passes when it's eaten too many clichés. But Nicole is not only still obsessed with them after a literal decade, she loves them enough to track down the man who wrote them.
Again, Nicole is still engaged throughout this entire process. Her fiancé has no idea that there's anything wrong in their relationship., and she does nothing to indicate to him that there is. She's more interested in finding the mystery man from an old college assignment than she is in the thoughts and feels of the human being that is Warren.
To aid her in her stalking, Nicole calls in her three best friends from college. I won't get into all of their personalities, because there's really no need. The four-headed jackass operates as a hive mind of sorts, each facet identical in awfulness and unlikability. Throughout the movie, they all prove themselves to be not only perfectly fine with lying through their teeth, they also engage in casual privacy-invasion (rifling through a man's office and computer while he's away) and fraud (pretending to be a team of designers that a hotel had hired). Every one of them is terrible.
Now, let's move on to the love interest. His name is Josh, because this is a Hallmark movie, which means that if the man's name isn't Luke, Max, or Blake, then it's Josh. The dude is a Grade-A, FDA approved lunatic. He learns early on that Nicole is NOT, in fact, the designer hired by the hotel he works for, but is instead a deranged psychopath who stalked him online until she figured out where he worked. Is Josh in any way turned off by this? Absolutely not! He pursues Nicole like she's Orange Soda and he's Kel Mitchell. He contrives numerous Machiavellian schemes to make Nicole "realize that he's the one she should be with." Keep in mind, they've known each other for a couple of days.
I could go on, but I'd rather not. If you're not completely revolted by these characters yet, then there's nothing I can say that will change your mind. Bottom line is, Nicole is a cheating, lying, sociopathic stalker who pursues a fantasy romance with maniacal fixation. Josh is a desperate lunatic who must live a very sad life indeed if the only woman he can connect with is one who sneaks around behind her fiancé's back, weaving a web of lies as she goes, to steal herself a new man.
Absolutely awful in every way.
I Do, I Do, I Do (2015)
Profoundly Disturbing In So Many Ways
On October 14th, 1066, two armies gathered on the hilly fields some seven miles northwest of the seaside town of Hastings. The defending force, led by Anglo-Saxon King Harold Godwinson of England, assembled atop a steep slope, prepared to meet the invading French-Norman forces of Duke William of Normandy.
Harold's army, though weary from their recent battle with the Norwegian forces of Harold Hardrada and long march south, were emboldened by their secure position atop the slope. As William's forces assembled on the more level ground below, they came under a hail of taunts from the English forces. As battle commenced, however, the Anglo-Saxon forces quickly lost their haughty attitudes.
Waves of Norman soldiers crashed upon the Anglo-Saxon line. For a time, the line held strong, and the Norman's, acting out of either fear or deception, retreated back down the hill, prompting their heartened foes to give chase. This decision on the part of the Anglo-Saxons would prove costly. As the English raced down the slope after their retreating foes, Norman light cavalry attacked from the flanks, slowly but surely picking apart those foolish enough to have given chase.
The Anglo-Saxon line began to falter, and soon, it would break entirely. An arrow fired from the Norman lines streaked across the battlefield and planted itself in King Harold's eye, killing him almost instantly. With the loss of their ruler, the spirits of the Anglo-Saxons were shattered, and they quickly retreated from the battlefield. The battle was a decisive victory for the Norman invaders, leading to many generations of French rule in England. However, the defeated Anglo-Saxons took one small comfort in the abysmal defeat: They would all be long dead before the movie "I Do, I Do, I Do" would premiere on Hallmark Channel.
I'm not going to going into a scene-by-scene analysis of this movie. If you've seen the movie Groundhog Day, or any of the dozens of knock-offs, then you understand the premise. A woman is forced to relive the same day over and over again (in this case, her disastrous wedding day) until she finally discovers what she really wants out of life. That's pretty much is.
What I AM going to analyze is the love-interest, whom I have nicknamed "Pervert Max." This guy is without a doubt the creepiest, most disturbing love interest in any Hallmark movie to date. Let's start with his very first scene: Our heroine, Jaclyn, is out for a bike ride in the woods on the day before her wedding, hoping to calm her nerves. She falls off of her bike and scrapes her leg. Pervert Max appears out of the trees and immediately starts trying to grab her leg. Now, you may say, "Oh, well, he's a doctor, he's probably just trying to help." Jaclyn doesn't KNOW he's a doctor. She's not badly hurt. A stranger she meets in the woods comes towards her and starts trying to grab her. There's red flag #1.
Next, Pervert Max jumps headlong into a little stream without checking for any potential hazards. This is presented as an admirable trait; Pervert Max is willing to take risks in life. Forgive me, but I hardly think that checking a river to see if it, I don't know, contains obstacles that could potentially impale you is the worst idea in the world. Pervert Max criticizes Jaclyn for not jumping in with him. Again, she just met him, and he wants her to frolic in the water with him.
The moment Pervert Max gets out of the water, he takes off his shirt in front of this strange woman he's known for approximately 5 minutes. Some members of the audience may think this is permissible, because Pervert Max has visible abs. However, let's imagine for a moment that Pervert Max is 250-lbs, has greasy hair, and lacks 50% of his teeth. Is it still permissible for him to strip in front of a strange woman in the woods? The action is revolting no matter who's doing it.
Next, Pervert Max reveals himself to be the perviest pervert in all of Pervertsville Pervadelphia by straight-up kissing Jaclyn on the lips. Remember, she's just out for a morning bike ride; this guy stalks her through the woods, tries to convince her to join him in a potentially dangerous situation, and then assaults her. His justification for doing so? "I wanted to see what would happen." I would love to see a judge's response if this defense was used in a courtroom. Pervert Max assaults Jaclyn: Period. It's not quirky. It's not romantic. It's not cute. It's not sweet. It's sick, it's demeaning, and it's completely disgusting in every way imaginable. Again, let's imagine Pervert Max isn't "Hallmark Hot" and is instead the lovechild of Gollum and a blobfish. Is it still okay for him to kiss Jaclyn? No, you say? Again, the action is wrong, no matter who performs it.
Pervert Max's reign of perviness continues throughout the film. Jaclyn discovers that he's her fiancé, Peter's, brother. When Pervert Max discovers this, what does he do? Apologize for being a literal s***** assaulter? No. Of course he doesn't. He gaslights Jaclyn, telling her that SHE kissed HIM. Again, we, the audience, SAW what happened. HE kissed HER, and then tried to justify it by saying he wanted to see what would happen. The dude isn't sweet, sensitive, or charming. He's a creeper to the highest degree. I kept actively hoping throughout the film that Jaclyn would spend her repeated days inventing new and creative ways to dispose of him.
Because this movie is completely disconnected from reality, Jaclyn, of course, falls in love with Pervert Max. She spends her repeated days essentially going on dates with him, rather than with her fiancé. I understand that she and Peter have no chemistry, and that she's correct in thinking they really shouldn't get married. What I DON'T understand is how we're supposed to root for a romance that started out with a literal felony. Keep in mind that, as Jaclyn is going out on these dates with Pervert Max, Pervert Max KNOWS she's his brother's fiancé. That in no way inhibits him from making constant moves on this woman. Pervert Max may be the most accurate on-screen representation of Beelzebub ever to darken a TV screen.
Eventually, Jaclyn pulls off her "perfect wedding" with Peter by doing the things she actually wanted to do instead of the things Peter's overbearing mother wanted to do. This should have been a nice moment for her - but Pervert Max lives to spoil nice moments. While practically in tears, he calls Jaclyn a coward for marrying Peter. Keep in mind, while Jaclyn is conscious of the repeated day, no one else is, including Pervert Max. As far as Pervert Max is aware, he's known this woman for less than 48 hours. Yet he feels confident enough to stalk, assault, gaslight, and criticize her.
Pervert Max is literally the most revolting fictional character I've ever had the displeasure to encounter. This movie could only possibly be enjoyable if you refrain from giving it any thought whatsoever. If they had made Pervert Max a nice guy instead of a creepy, assaulting stalker, the plot, trite as it is, could've at least been fun to watch. It's not fun watching a woman fall in love with a whiney, self-absorbed, deluded, predatory man-child, though. I hope there's a sequel in which Pervert Max gets stuck reliving the same day over and over again, and every day, he gets eaten by some new and vicious creature.