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davyjones-29983
Reviews
Prehysteria! (1993)
Why is the dad such a jerk?
I remember watching this movie as a kid and loving it. Watching it again, I can understand why; I mean, there's a tiny t-rex dancing to a bad Elvis impersonation at one point, and that's charming as all heck. The puppet effects aren't bad for a low-budget early 90s movie. The dialogue is pretty cringey, but it's a kid's movie, so you kind of have to overlook that. My biggest complaint watching it as an adult is what an unmitigated douchebag the dad is. He responds to EVERYTHING with yelling, steals the keys of the woman he's flirting with, kind of threatens to have their dog killed, holds a baby t-rex by its neck like a turkey it's intending to butcher. He treats his kids like they're inconveniences he just has to put up with, he's got a hair-trigger temper, and his "flirting" style is creepy and stalkerish. Why the nice lady he's flirting it wants anything to do with him is a bigger mystery than how these dinosaurs survived. He's just an all-around tool. I spent most of the movie hoping the t-rex would bite him in the nads, 'cause he deserves it. In summary, dinosarus = good, douchey stalker dad = bad.
A Match Made at Christmas (2021)
More of a match made in hell than Christmas, honestly
Hey, do you like movies with creepy, cultish vibes? What about movies where the male love interest has almost certainly kicked multiple puppies throughout the course of his life? Movies where the main character is a hopeless victim who takes blame for things that aren't her fault? First of all, what's wrong with you? Seek help. Second, this is the movie for you!
We start with the main character, Holly, giving some background narration about this old woman who "matches" people at get-togethers, and by matching, I mean "grabs their hands and makes them lock fingers while a crowd claps and grins creepily." These couples apparently always end up together, and if there's no witchcraft involved in this, I'll eat my hat (I'm not even wearing a hat; that's how confident I am that there's witchcraft involved in this). We then learn that Holly is helping her mom, who is present in the film and that's all I can really say for her, with her late father's Christmas tree farm. We also learn that. Holly's brother, Spencer, is getting married to a bloodsucking she-beast named Angela, although I called her something different during my viewing (I won't say what; my mother taught me not to use those words). Angela is stressing out about the wedding because of money issues or something like that, and she and Spencer ask Holly to plan the wedding. They're at a wedding shower (I think; I don't want to look over this thing again out of fear that I might actually remember it better that way) when we're introduced to the "love interest," Chris. Dudesies...I've never seen this actor before, but bro is acting in a completely different movie. His facial expression almost never changes, and he has the cold, unfeeling eyes of a gorgon. If he was auditioning for a spot in the Warren's Occult Museum, he'd get it, 100%. Naturally, he and Holly get matched by the creepy old Sex Cult lady, and Chris is NOT having it. He yanks his hand away like he's a teenage girl and Holly's a boy who uses Axe body spray, then storms off, presumably to scribe an angry manifesto about the uselessness of cupcakes. This is after he and Holly have had a truly inspiring conversation about how much he hates relationships. My question is, why is this dude so angry? Like, he's one beam of gamma radiation away from Hulking out 24/7. Bro needs some SERIOUS counseling. He's blatantly rude, openly insults her, and tries to pass it off as "calling it like he sees it." He also uses the word "absurd" in casual conversation, and it makes him look like a tool. And yet, after Chris storms off like a pubescent wasp confronted with a newspaper, and Holly says she never wants to see him again, what does Angela say? "I'm sure he's a really nice guy once you get to know it." Angela's a chump; first impressions matter for a reason, and Chris' first impression to Holly, the geriatric Priestess of Ashera, and the audience is one of distinct douchiness. Holly, meanwhile, is shown throughout the film to be helpful to a fault, fixing things for people and whatnot.
You can likely guess what happens next. Holly and Chris have to work on the wedding together, because Angela and Spencer are useless. There's some more Hallmark movie staples; they have a "fight" with flour in the kitchen, they pick out Christmas trees, visit some Fertility Cult elders who try to convince Chris to follow the teachings of their dark goddess, the usual. You might be wondering at what point Chris and Holly develop some sort of chemistry. Well, let me tell you, I've seen the whole movie, and the answer is, "yeah, me too." Dudesies, I watched this movie with three other people, and if I had a nickel for every time one of us asked "Why" any time Holly expressed any attraction to him, I could buy, like, two regular-sized Hershey bars and a Dr. Pepper, which doesn't sound like much, but this inflation is real, dude.
Holly tries to throw Angela a bachelorette party the night before the wedding (do people do that? Seems like a bad idea. Weddings are exhausting, you should spend the day before napping or watching the 1999 classic "The Mummy" starring Brendan Fraser or something), and *gasp* she schedules a date for Chris at the same time! At the same place. It's weird. The bachelorette party is in a private room in the back, there's a restaurant in the front where the date's supposed to be happening. So Holly keeps running back and forth to both events. It's the sort of thing that most people would see and be like, "oh, you! What a wacky turn of events this is!" and she'd be like, "You got me!" That's not what happens. Chris and Angela are FURIOUS. They have the joint empathy of a dad whose college football career didn't work out and he wants his son to play but his son's really into making tiny fairy villages out of walnut shells instead. Chris freaking explodes at her outside of the restaurant, not only because of the date, but because she got him a job interview. Dude is unhinged, unhealthy, unstable, and should be kept away from women at all times, 'cause he's 100% going to do someone physical harm some day. Joking aside, this is a bad look for everyone involved in this movie, dude. This man verbally assaults this woman for a silly mistake, continually insults and berates her, storms out on her more than once like a petulant child, refuses to talk to her, etc. This is not healthy behavior for anyone, especially a romantic partner, and it's never even REALLY shown as a negative thing. Holly blames herself, and the movie's kinda just like, "well, she DOES stick her nose in other people's business an awful lot." The same thing happens with Angela; she blows up at her, too, and complains that she's taken over the wedding planning, that she hates the dress that Holly found for her FOR FREE because she didn't have any money, etc. YOU HIRED HER AS YOUR WEDDING PLANNER, YOU NITWIT EXCUSE FOR APPLE PIE! It was her JOB to take over the wedding! But Holly apologizes and the movie's just like, "see, she apologized, 'cause she was wrong." No. No she wasn't. Angela and Chris were wrong, they royally suck, and I would be happy if someone speared Icyhot over their underpants just before they put them on without their knowledge.
Of course, Holly and Chris end up together, which I think hints at my theory that this movie is secretly a tragedy. He "accepts" her by luring her to a ring of Christmas trees covered in photos of herself, which is the sort of thing you usually only get to see in movies where the male lead ends up wearing someone else's skin, so that's neat. They get together, everyone's happy because they're all uniquely stupid, and the old woman, having appeased her vengeful deities of the bow-chicca-wow-wow dance, gets to live another thousand years or something, probably.
Give this one a miss, that's my advice. Chris and Angela suck.