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Reviews
Autumn (2009)
A new contender for worst movie ever
Famous physicist Wolfgang Pauli was known for his snappy and sometimes colorful comebacks. Once he was presented with a student paper which, needless to say, didn't make a very good impression. His response was "It is not even wrong". That's how I feel about this movie. It is not even bad. It would have to be improved to be considered bad. Significantly.
It's a good thing this movie had no requirement for acting, because the actors have no skill whatsoever. I've seen better acting in a kindergarten play. Pathetic lines delivered like they were being read directly from the script. I wonder if they used teleprompters.
I feel ripped off that I spent $1 to rent this thing.
Meteor (2009)
Not even bad
With The Sci Fi channel cranking them out like candy, there are so many horrible sci fi movies these days, that its becoming increasingly difficult to find a movie that qualifies as the worst I've ever seen. But this one gets the award. No contest. I don't think I made it through 20 minutes.
Let's see if I can recap what I did see. A super granddaddy asteroid has been knocked out of its orbit by a comet. And no one notices until its only 48 hours from Earth. And then, the only person who knows is a crackpot astronomer at a back woods observatory and no one believes him. Oh woe is me, all is lost. But wait. The next morning we find that the U.S. Air Force knows all about it and they have a fool proof plan to blow it to hell. But it seems they have the wrong coordinates. Mr. Astronomer is the only one who knows where the asteroid really is. Huh? The Air Force has detected it? They know its going to hit Earth? But they don't know where it is? Oh no, the dreaded stealth asteroid. So what is the only man on the planet with the correct coordinates doing? It seems that using the phone, e-mail or any other form of electronic communication to deliver the coordinates is out of the question. So Mr. Astronomer is in his car with this assistant, in a desperate race to deliver the priceless coordinates on time, in person. But oh my, it seems that his car has broken down in the middle of nowhere, with the Air Force getting ready to launch every nuclear missile on the planet in the wrong direction. And wouldn't you know it, his car broke down in a spot that doesn't have cell phone service. Wait, wait, we'll flag down a passing car and get a ride. We'll make it yet. Unless we stand in the middle of the road and get hit by one of the cars that we're trying to flag down.
That's when I turned this pathetic piece of trash off. I can only take so much. I'm not one of these people who demands total scientific accuracy out of a movie. After all, it is a movie. But I do expect the story to maintain at least a minimal degree of plausibility. Did anyone associated with this disaster even graduate from grade school? I doubt it. This story has more holes than a donut factory. It's so bad that it's sure to have made the Sci Fi channel jealous.
Against the Dark (2009)
Not good enough to be bad
The ridiculous story of a ragtag band of survivors in a world ravaged by a virus which turns people into vampires. These survivors find themselves trapped in a hospital and can't get out...because...uh....the doors are locked? They're trying to find their way down to the basement to get to a parking garage.....before.....uh.....the generator dies and the security door won't let them out? They stumble around in this deserted building, being hunted by packs of vampires who seem to have no trouble getting around. They come to door after door, which they can't get through because they are locked. I'm sorry, but did the world's supply of crow bars just vaporize when this plague hit? Which brings out one of the many flaws in this movie. If I was a "survivor" in a world overrun by vampires, I'd be carrying every weapon I could get my hands on. Even if I couldn't find a gun anywhere, I'd get a butcher knife, a steel rod, hell, a big stick. But these people carry nothing. They make no attempt to actively defend themselves from the vampires. They simply wander around like sheep waiting to be eaten. But wait, along comes our hero. He does come along right? I mean, I do believe I remember seeing one of two quick flashes of him, mumbling some stupid commands to his "team". And I believe he did actually kill a vampire, right? The fight scenes happened so fast, and were filmed with constantly shifting camera angles so that you couldn't tell what happened. You see a flash of his face, a flash of his sword, and then blood is flying everywhere. Nothing he does in this movie even approximates acting. Like good wine, some actors get better and better with age. Steven Seagal just goes sour. Like this movie.
Babylon A.D. (2008)
Fun movie
I loved this movie. After reading all of the negative comments, I knew I would. A typical occurrence for me. I don't know. Maybe I just have a knack for being able to enjoy a movie for what it is, rather than trying to force it to fit into any particular mold. Yeah, Mélanie Thierry needs to go back and take a few refreshers in acting school. But Vin Diesel is great, as usual. Ditto for Michelle Yeoh. The only disappointment here is that we don't get see Diesel waste that cold blooded...uh...witch of a high priestess, played by Charlotte Rampling. That would have really topped the movie off. Do I detect an opening for a possible sequel? I hope so.
The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)
Acccckkk!
Is Randy Couture the worst actor to hit the silver screen? Well, maybe not the worst. Then again. Of course, it doesn't help that this is the single most uninspired movie I've seen in a long time. The script is horrible. The plot is predictable. Maybe Randy would do better in a different movie, under a different director, with a different script, but its hard to imagine. His lines are delivered in the most boring monotone conceivable. There is no acting. He just stands, looking big and tough and says his lines like a robot. It's almost like he was reading them directly off the script for the first time. He makes the other lousy actors seem like geniuses. Terrible movie. Terrible acting.
Lake Placid 2 (2007)
The dog even left the room
It's not even bad. It would have to get better to be merely bad. Whoever made the graphics should be banned from the business. The scene where the pontoon plane lands on the lake is a prime example. The plane, which looks like it was drawn with crayons, floats along on the water. It doesn't roll or bob in the water. It's like its levitating. It doesn't leave a wake or make ripples. And when the pilot shuts off the engine, the propeller just instantly stops. Oh yeah, what pilot. The windows are opaque. You can't see anything inside the plane. How about a 40 foot crocodile who's so nimble he can jump out of the water and grab a man off a pier. And he can do this without so much as touching the pier. It doesn't even get wet. At least there is one good thing to say about the graphics. They're better than the script and the acting. As bad as it gets.
Kaw (2006)
It's not even bad
The problems with this movie are too many to list. First of all, they're birds. Big birds, yes. But birds. Yes, they can peck and tear at you with it their beak. But I refuse to believe that a person will die because of a dozen lacerations on their face and hands. Of course, I can understand it with people as stupid as the characters in the movie. Oooh, big birds are attacking my car......so.....I'll throw it in reverse and drive backwards as fast as I can without being able to see where I'm going. Let's see, I'm a deputy with a shotgun. I run way out in the middle of the street and start shooting randomly in the air without aiming. I keep shooting until...what?...you mean this thing doesn't hold 100 shells? Oh my God. What will I do? Run back inside? No. Get in the truck sitting right next to me? No. I'll stand in the middle of the street and scream while they eat me. And then theirs the ravens. Yes, ravens are smart. But by that, they mean they are smart, relative to birds. That means their brains generate 2 micro amps rather than 1. Dive bombing a bus with rocks to break the windows? Are you kidding me? First of all, how did they grip the rocks. Did they find some with handles? And even then, they couldn't lift a rock big enough to break safety glass. I was so reminded of the scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail when the English soldiers are debating how a swallow could carry a coconut.
But in the end, ravens or not, it all comes back to the fact that they are birds. Big birds yes, but birds. Even in the original The Birds (great movie), no one fights back. If I got attacked out in the open, with no place to seek cover, there would be a lot a ravens with broken necks before they'd do enough damage to take me down. And if I had time to prepare? Get a full face motorcycle helmet, leather jacket, leather gloves, shotgun and a case a 00 buck. Then you step outside and proceed to rapidly decrease the raven population.
La guerre du feu (1981)
Couldn't stop watching it
I wish the movie industry could make more movies as inspired and creative as this one. It's a tribute its creators that a movie without any spoken dialogue (understandable anyway) can say so much. Everett McGill is terrific as the leader of the trio. From the start you can tell he's a touch brighter than the other's of his tribe. And those piercing eyes. Then there's Ron Perlman. He's increbible. Big and not too bright, but intensely loyal and definitely the guy you want with you in a fight. They are all masterful at the use of body language and facial expressions which speak volumes without uttering a word. How many movies have I watched where the actors did speak, and I ended up wishing they hadn't. This is true acting at its best.