Eskargot Reviews

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

To all those opposed....

[10/10 · 10 June 2002]

Long after humankind has signed its name in the book of extinctions, our earthly-successors will truly marvel at some of the cinematic landmarks we've produced. In my opinion, "Crouching Tiger..." will definitely be one of the titles uttered upon the vocal orifices of these post-homo-sapiens.

The story, set in feudal China, tells of a legendary green blade called the "Green Destiny". After the sword's master Li(Chow Yuen Fat) intends to return the sword to its rightful owner, it is stolen by a mysterious assassin. Into this enchanting tale are woven threads of love, passion and pride as Li and his partner Shu Lien attempt to find the assassin.

Perhaps the only rotten tomato that some self-appointed critics have thrown at this cinematic beauty is the non-realism of the characters jumping about, and climbing up walls. Yet to this I pose the following: Since when does a film have to rely on the laws of physics or realism? At the time of writing, the biggest film in the US is about a teenager who can climb up walls, shoot webs and has amazing super-strength after being bitten by a genetically engineered spider. I rest my case.

The character and story depth of "Crouching Tiger... " is more than enough to bury any of its Hollywood rivals and its cinematography alone is enough to send Pearl Harbour whimpering away like a canine who just hind-legged an electric fence. This is truly the kind of epic that the mainstream audience have been crying for... one that doesn't feed its audience a pathetic diet of tokenism, patronisation and misplaced patriotism.

10 out of 10

The English Patient (1996)

Not enough English Patience for the English Patient

[2/10 · 5 June 2002]

Working with cinemas, I am constantly surprised at what the industry has approved. Every week she churns out another laughable/dull story, masquerading behind a facade of beautiful cinematography or some loud noises and spectacular explosions.

Of the latter variety, we find a list including such almost homo-erotic classics as Rambo, and the unforgiveable Under-Siege. The former would include 7 years in Tibet, Pearl Harbour. The English Patient unfortunately does little to stem the tide of s***e that drowns the public in an oppressive mediocrity. In fact it muscles in its posterior and seats its fat arse between these two muppets of Hollywood History.

Before discordance escalates about my review, I would like to say that despite being male, I do like some romantic films. The fact that it is a romance is not my problem. My problem is that this film is utterly rubbish.

If you don't want to know what happens then don't read the following -

A burnt Hungarian guy hangs out with some nurse and has flashbacks about an affair he had. Then some guy without any thumbs shows up demanding a little screen-time.

The main protagonists in the flashbacks are unbearably self-centered and include a naive dumbass (Firth), a self-pitying slapper (Scott-Thomas) and an obsessive fool who seems more interested in owning a woman than loving one (Feinnes).

This film cuts in neither in a plot-driven nor Character-driven genre. Any political undertones were quickly shoved under the carpet to discourage too much thought.

So how come so many people like it? One word would be 'Cinematography'. Would anyone like this if it had a less beautiful setting?... say in Hull or Wolverhampton? I doubt it. Maybe the last 15 minutes were magnificent but I thought my arse had been punished enough. There is absolutely no excuse for the feats of willpower one has to endure in watching such an overblown and simply uneventful pass at a film.

Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

A guy's opinion

[5/10 · 29 May 2002]

On first hearing about this film, dread filled my soul like a fart in an elevator. And as its simile counterpart, news of the event spread fast, catching up with my girlfriend like a fat sprinter in a cherry pie dash. As the lightning crashed and the thunder rolled, words that Mankind had feared since ages past found form on my girlfriend's lips: "Hey Mark, let's go and see Bridget Jone's Diary"...

Now don't get me wrong, ladies, I do like many films that are considered 'Chick Flicks', one of my all time favourites being 'Muriel's Wedding' or 'The Truth about Cats and Dogs'. The apprehension that clung to the bosom of my weariness lay more in the lack of any depth to the character/s. Bridget Jones is naive and abit thick - you'd think that any woman who was now about mid 30s could at least have a decent stab (no pun intended) at guessing if some guy (i.e. High Grant's Character) is a muppet. Although I can let that slide on the evidence so many friends have given me on how enigmatic most guys are (and how most of us are bastards, haha).

Some of the jokes will most likely need explaining to quite a few guys. One example is why a chorus of laughter followed her getting drunk and singing bad love songs alone. Another example is when she's sliding down a pole, smacks her arse into the camera and generates crowds of girly laughter as if the audience had been contracted to provide tinned laughter for some slap-stick home video show.

One issue however was with the tedious-neuroticism of Bridget Jones and her celebrating the latest fashions of excess with her incessant drinking and smoking. As I say I don't hate romantic comedies, it's just that this one seemed proud to have no depth and sectioning 50% of the humour to the 'Need to be explained to men' section...

If your a girl you'll probably find this a stunning exploration into the amorous side of woman-kind, where a single real-sized woman stands up amidst a backlash of what male-kind throws at her. Despite all the disappointments and let-downs, her optimism has not been misplaced as prince charming finally cuts a path through the web of first-impressions, pride and prejudice (pun intentional) to sweep her off her feet... though if you read the sequel, Mark Darcy turns out not so positive.

If you're a guy, it'll be mildy funny but a little tedious in places and Renee Zellweger'd get it...

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

What have they done?

[1/10 · 20 May 2002]

I have absolutely no idea what they were trying to do with this film, but it was absolutely terrible. I've seen many fantasy-type films and if this was trying to compete with LOTR, I'm sorry but they've not just failed... D&D sticks two defiant fingers to any viewership with an IQ above 50 and in a paradoxical reflex, thrusts them firmly into its own eyes.

They some how managed to get everything awful and put it into a film:

***Warning posssible Spoilers***

• The racially stereotypical token-black-comedy character who dies,

• The evil wizard with an english accent,

• Wafer-thin story line about some magical implements with absurd- names. Afterall if Red-dragons are more powerful than Gold then why didn't evil mage Profion just get the Rod of Savrille in the first place?

• Obligatory love scenes between the main male and female characters, where the relationship was also just a token romance.

• Finally, I hate to sound xenophobic, but American accents in a fantasy setting never really help a film's conviction. Think Xena warrior princess and Hercules.

Admittedly, these tv-series have a touch of sarchasm to their plots; unlike D&D which is so bad that I think it even surpasses 'She' with Sandahl Bergman.

So you may not cringe at your assortment of many sided Dice, or the fact that you have a level-22 Elf enchantress, but as a fellow geek I urge you... never ever let anyone know you have watched this...

Fallout 2: A Post-Nuclear Role-Playing Game (1998 Video Game)

The King of CRPGs

[10/10 · 16 April 2002]

Within the world of isometric RPGs, it's my firm opinion that this game is the best. Obviously there are some minor problems, but these pale beside the retro-style kitsch, the incredible humour, the easy interface and the free-form play available.

The only pathetic gripes with the game are that the graphics are perhaps a little mediocre, but the point is that these games centre more around what you do then what it looks like.

It's unfortunate that the idea of a sci-fi roleplay has slipped into the background in favour of the standard fantasy genre, because if people checked out the Fallout series then I'm sure many would change their minds.