afnaste Reviews

Battlestar Galactica (2004–2009)

Very dark and full of curveballs!

[9/10 · 14 January 2005]

I am a fan of the original BSG (I was 11 at the time) and am now a fan of the new. The new miniseries was pretty good overall, but the first 2 episodes of the series I saw tonight blew me away! 33 and Water answered a lot of questions but generated many more. I have several theories. I'm starting to think that humanoid Cylons are either prone to mental instabilities (Six's psychotic 'love' for Baltar, and her belief that she talks to God), or are still prototypes (human part of Boomer was actually able to override Cylon part of Boomer for water reading and one explosive), or are experiments in themselves (the Cylon ships with trackers can only be evaded for 33 minutes, at least 1 Cylon agent on Galactica could've blown up the Battlestar instead of just the water tanks). Or maybe all 3. But one humanoid Cylon in the miniseries said that it might take decades to track down the Galactica. That implies that Cylons are not part of a collective intelligence. It seems obvious to me that the Cylons have won and could easily destroy the humans left in the Colonies and the Galactican fleet. They didn't nuke all of the Colonies completely and there seem to still be humans there. I think the Cylons feel they are in control now, and are half torturing, half experimenting on humans. In 33 the Cylons push humans to the breaking point of exhaustion and stress (lack of sleep, lack of rest). In Water they observe what humans do under another basic assault, loss of water. Maybe they will attack the Colonials' power or food systems next. Maybe the Cylons are studying what's left of humanity to learn more about themselves, as they still seem new to their humanoid existence and the above-mentioned mental problems theory. The new BSG seems to be drawing from Babylon 5 in that "no one here is precisely what they appear to be". We're only just starting to see the secrets that the characters carry like One Rings that keep getting harder to bear. Tigh having only 5 drinks left, Baltar's treason and Six in his head, at least one Boomer is a Cylon, Starbuck's responsibility in Zak's death, etc. I eagerly await next week's episode. This series has the potential to be kick-ass good! What is it with the sci-fi channel? They can make great series (Farscape, Invisible Man, First Wave) and terrible movies (Dragon Fighter, Boa vs. Python).

Saturn 3 (1980)

This was almost a good movie

[6/10 · 10 July 2004]

OK, the planet Saturn looked really crappy in this, but remember that when 2001 was made they changed Saturn in the book to Jupiter in the movie because they could not make a Saturn effect look decent at all. The technology was interesting and morbid, the huge spaceship with giant "claws" at its stern that could've been launch/landing bays or maybe grapplers, Benson's spacepod looked like an unholy mating of a big black spider and a viperfish, Hector at least looked more technologically realistic than some cyborgs with all those transparent liquid-filled tubes of different fluids necessary to sustain biological life but his microphone-stand head was stupid. The stick-probe-in-your-brain learning device was definitely creepy. I wish they had gone into a little more detail about Earths hunger problem, exactly what a dead cell is, and why people who haven't been/can't goto Earth are branded on their foreheads. Farrah has one very brief nude scene where you see one breast for about 2 seconds. Adam's bare ass I did not need to see. Strange that people can be flushed into space so easily without setting off any alarms. When Hector got horny the movie went downhill fast. My favorite quote," He's not so cuckoo." "You can tell the time by him!" 6/10

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Amazing, magnificent, stupendous

[10/10 · 18 December 2003]

I saw this last night at at special reserved showing full of gamer geeks. ROTK was so incredible that FOTR and TTT pale by comparison. I didn't think any villain could've been scarier than the Balrog of Morgoth, but Shelob the First Spider sent chills up my spine and unholy slimy things crawling down it! The burden of carrying the One Ring really takes its toll on Frodo, Sam and even Gollum, if you thought that Gollum could not appear even more f*cked up the head, just wait til you see him. The epic battle scenes in ROTK are quite possibly the best I have ever seen, with Aragorn's forces and Sauron's armies beating seventeen shades of hell out of each other, with each side gaining and losing the upper hand several times, and hordes after hordes of reinforcements for both sides appearing again and again. The battering ram Gron was unbelieveably creepy-looking and totally cool at the same time, it looked alive and like it had been coughed up straight from hell. I give this 10 out of 10 because that is the highest score available when it actually ranks around a 12.

The only gripe I have about ROTK is



POSSIBLE SPOILER FOLLOWS



cutting Saruman out of the theatrical release completely. But he will be in the extended DVD come November 2004.

Be Forever Yamato (1980)

With enemies like this Dark Nebula Empire, Yamato better be around forever!

[10/10 · 6 December 2003]

Definetely, without a doubt, Be Forever has the best beginning of any Yamato movie or series! The Dark Empire's invasionary force is truly awesome and formidable, and Earth's solar system gets its biggest asskicking in the shortest time ever. Some of the Empire's attack vehicles resemble mecha from the War of the Worlds, book AND movie. Empire sky-troopers are incredibly sadistic in their first attack on Earth. The Dark Empire wants revenge on Yamato and Earth for their defeat in the previous/third movie Yamato New Voyage. We see Alex Wildstar again and...another member of the Wildstar family. There is a scene at the Empire's homeworld that is aweing and surreal, I had to rewind and watch it twice initially. The sap factor was heavy in Be Forever even for a Yamato storyline. The last explosion is the biggest explosion ever in Yamato.

Space Battleship Yamato II (1978–1979)

This Comet Empire series is very different from the Arrivederci movie

[10/10 · 6 December 2003]

After so much death and destruction in Arrivederci Yamato, fans were outraged that their beloved show was ending. They demanded more Yamato, so Star Blazers series 2 was made. You may think it would be difficult to turn a 151 minute movie into a 563 minute series, but it came out awesome! Yamato gets in many more battles before reaching planet Telezart, Trelana is a MUCH bigger presence, Desslok has more fights with the Star Force, there is dissent between different factions on Earth, and we get to meet, again, for the first time, Cito/Knox and his Space Marines. Cito and Kodai/Derek Wildstar have a lot of conflict. And the Comet Empire is very resilient and always seems to have another trick up its sleeve. This series is followed by the third movie Yamato New Voyage.

Space Battleship Yamato: The New Voyage (1979 TV Movie)

Desslok has a nutty

[10/10 · 22 November 2003]

This movie follows the events in Yamato series 2 http://imdb.com/title/tt0140645/ not Arrivederci Yamato http://imdb.com/title/tt0316540/ as anyone who saw the ending of Arrivederci will know. This is possibly the weakest of the 5 Yamato films, maybe because it was a TV movie, I dunno. It's still a must see for any Yamato/Star Blazers fans, most anime fans, and some sf fans. Iscandar, Gamilus and Earth join forces against a new common enemy. The enemy is incorrectly referred to as remnants of the Comet Empire fleet in some dubbed versions. This enemy is called the Dark Nebula Empire (or something like that) and they want to mine some rare mineral out of Iscandar and Gamilus. The big threat from the Dark Nebula is the armour that their large ships have is almost indestructible. There is a very cool seasurface/atmosphere battle with lots of big spaceships blowing the crap out of each other. This movie leads well into the next/4th film Be Forever Yamato.





MINOR SPOILER FOLLOWS





Oh, about Desslok having a nutty, watch after Starsha presses a button.

Farewell to Space Battleship Yamato: Warriors of Love (1978)

The Comet Empire!

[10/10 · 18 November 2003]

This movie was even better than Space Battleship Yamato the movie The Comet Empire threat made Gamilus look like wimps. Was the Comet Empire "ship" larger in size than the artifical Dark Nebula Empire planet in Be Forever Yamato or the giant Urban Satellite Uruk in Final Yamato? Arrivederci Yamato was also darker, with many more deaths and noble suicides of major characters. Every time you think the Arrivederci story ends, surprise! the Comet Empire has another trick up its sleeve. I heard a rumor that the Japanese fans were so outraged at Arrivederci basically ending the storylines that they demanded more Yamato, and so Space Battleship Yamato 2 the series was made, with Telezart having a much bigger role, Desslar/Desslok and Kodai/Derek Wildstar switching roles during their final confrontation, and the Dreadnought blasting Earth instead of the Moon. Arrivederci was less confusing than the sometimes choppy plot of Space Battleship Yamato the movie, except for the ending where you can completely misinterpret what happens w/o some kind of translation if you don't speak Japanese. This is the only entry in the 5 movies and 3 series where the Earth Defense Fleet kicks major alien buttocks.

Space Battleship Yamato (1977)

Wave Motion Gun!

[10/10 · 16 November 2003]

I was delighted to find this on DVD packed with extras and in the way real anime fans like to watch it, in Japanese with (English for me) subtitles, so we don't lose any of the original voices or sounds. Did you run home from high school every day to watch this too? I did. This was probably my second early exposure to anime, the first being Gatchaman I had thought that the first movie came before the first series but the series came first, which explains things like how Yuki's/Nova's arm got broken after they land on Iscandar to meet Stasha and get the Cosmo Cleaner D.

Space Cruiser Yamato the movie is a fun trip down memory lane, back to classic anime. Very informative to see the changes it went thru after being mangled into Star Blazers by completely changing or omitting sections of the film. The WWII sequence and ideas of Japanese honor were altered so as not to offend or confuse US viewers, gimme a break! The DVD even has an alternative scene on Iscandar that really changes the pace of the show.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

good but not great

[7/10 · 4 July 2003]

While this was an enjoyable movie, it did not have the amazing feel of The Terminator and Terminator 2 Judgement Day. Explanations for Sarah Connor and the timeline were acceptable. The Terminatrix was an impressive-looking technology. I liked the ending, but I won't tell you how it ends. Fans of the genre should see T3, and it will appeal to many of the mainstream.

Good-bye Cruel World (1982)

a great "Weird Like Us" comedy!

[10/10 · 1 June 2003]

This movie will appeal to fans of Kentucky Fried Movie, Groove Tube and TunnelVision. Its main difference it that is has one storyline throughout the length of the film, while the other 3 were composed of many short skits. The non-PC humor, raunchy jokes, and dysfunctional family were highly amusing and a refreshing change from ordinary comedies like "Seinfeld" crap. I especially liked the several points when they did a mock audience poll to determine what would be seen next. 3 out of 4 times I choose the correct one.

Brimstone (1998–1999)

"I'm a Satanist, that's God's plan for me"

[10/10 · 15 May 2003]

This show was really quite amazing, I wonder if the moral majority had a hand in its premature cancellation, or if it was just too cerebral for most viewers like British series The Prisoner was. Brimstone had a very different take on the eternal war involving heaven, hell and earth. The Devil has no power on earth, so he sends a guy who's only been dead for 15 years, to hunt down 113 other dead people, some truly despicable, some just vengeful victims, some of whom have been dead for millenia and are way more powerful than Stone is, one of the oldest seems to be a shapeshifter and the Devil's lover! Destroying the eyes will send a damned soul back to hell, whether it's an escapee, the Devil, or a damned car (headlights). A trivia stab at Friday the 13th The Series maybe? I also like how Stone is covered with 113 tattoos of all the escaped damned souls, and when he returns one to hell the tattoo dissolving away hurts him physically, kinda like the pain of the absorbing another's Quickening in Highlander. How Stone wakes up every day with the same amount of money in his pocket, or another damned wakes up with a full flask of liquor, was a nice touch. And the Devil really seemed not powerful and not knowledgeable, like the escape of the 113 had never even been imagined before, this escapee roundup was something totally new in the Brimstone universe. Having 2 main characters named Ash and Stone, nice.

Curse of the Cat Woman (1991 Video)

excellent porno, where can i buy it?

[9/10 · 9 May 2003]

Very good visual effects, especially light & shadow, for a porno. Almost had a plot, another plus. My only complaint is that the two leading ladies, Selena Steele (Raquel) and Raven I/Nellie Marie Vickers/Rachel Vickers/Vicky Vickers (Veronica) didn't have sex with each other, oh how hot that would've been!

SSN (1996 Video Game)

best submarine game i've ever played

[10/10 · 3 April 2003]

"This shall be my finest hour." My then-girlfriend said I uttered those words in my sleep after playing far too much SSN. A very enjoyable, fun submarine simulator with only a few things made easier for the player, such as an actual visual surrounding rather than a sonar picture only. Various torpedos, missiles, emergency blows and decoys to wreak havoc on your enemies. The sounds of your sub hull adjusting to deeper depths was downright creepy. A variety of opponents including many many enemy subs of various classes, surface ships, choppers, mines and sometimes very shallow waters with dangerous land masses to navigate while avoiding enemy fire. The only negative I have about SSN is that sometimes I was crusiing around for hours looking for the enemy, but that is what real sub hunting is all about, stealth, caution and searching. Reminded me of the feel of the movioe 2001, space flight being long periods of little to do and brief periods of intense activity. Excellent game.

Tremors (2003)

Yes sir, I like it!

[29 March 2003]

Graboids and Shriekers and Ass-Blasters oh my! I think this is going to be a fun series, Burt Gummer is an awesome character. Melvin is back and still causing too much trouble to live. The government liaison to Perfection NV is going to be interesting since he can swing from goverment stooge to panic to helpful to cowardly. The continuity with the first 3 movies is very good. El Blanco the sterile Graboid looks a little different now, but it's older now. The bacteria cloud monster opens up a whole series of new possible monsters.

The Sender (1982)

This is an excellent sleeper hit!

[9/10 · 17 March 2003]

I think this movie got such a low overall rating because most people didn't understand it or appreciate it, perhaps it didn't strike so close to home as it did for me. The telepathic man who is either channeling his evil, crazy dead mother or creating her ghost through his own powers was the most haunting and chilling since Norman Bates in Psycho. The scenes in the mental hospital were incredibly accurate, having worked in one myself. The female doctor trying to help the telepath was very touching, and although I thought that the other doctors and cops would turn out to be two-dimensional villains I was pleasantly surprised when they turned out to be normal human beings with faults and compassion in the end. The times that the telepath projected his horrors onto others in self-defense was difficult viewing, disturbing yet necessary and very important. The scenes with lobotomy and ECT should remind all of us of the very real non-fiction horrors buried in American medical history, experts so sure of themselves that they self-justify doing terrible things to peoples' brains. I won't give away the ending but it was very ambigious and shocking.

Space Truckers (1996)

oh my gawd this was awful

[2/10 · 7 February 2003]

Dennis Hopper must've been really hungry to do this movie. Atrocious special effects, very poor writing, cheesy dialogue, stupid-looking killer bio-robots. Never mind the blatent disregard for science. The awkward scene with the 2 young leads taking their clothes off. The best part of this movie was the pull-start cyber-penis on the wacked-out cyborg pirate captain. 2 out of 10 stars because I'm in a generous mood.

Love Bites (1988 Video)

hilarious and touching softcore gay male vampire movie

[10/10 · 21 November 2002]

My friend Dee showed me this movie shortly after it came out, we are both vampire fanatics. He was another fatality of AIDS. Love Bites had a lot of sexual innuendo, softcore lovemaking, "bitchy" jokes, and a mysterious ending that brought tears to my eyes. The joke that made me ROFLMAO was:

Boy: You're 347 years old?! Count: And still getting carded.

If you liked Nightlife, Lost Boys, and the Friday the 13th Series vampire episodes, then you'll love this film. Homophobes should be tied down and forced to watch this with their eyes prised open like in A Clockwork Orange.

Firefly (2002–2003)

Definetley some potential here.

[10/10 · 21 September 2002]

I don't usually like western/space or medieval/robot mixing stories much, but Firefly is intriguing. The ship itself reminds me strongly of the ship in Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin. Several of the crew have already laid the groundwork for mysteries to be solved later. The end of the episode surprised me greatly with the way the Captain handled a certain, problem customer, I don't want to give it away. This is worth seeing at least once to find out if you like it or not. It's refreshing to see a show about another spaceship full of "criminals" on the frontier, hey it worked for Farscape.

Stargate Infinity (2002–2003)

Terrible

[14 September 2002]

Terrible, awful, insulting, and painful. Stargate Infinity is to Stargate SG1 as Galactica 1980 was to Battlestar Galactica. Infinity shows almost no resemblance, continuity or respect for SG1 at all. There were staff weapons, used by alien creatures that looked like recycled Thundercats mutants. The staff weapons and the other cheesy-plastic ray-gun looking-things seemed to have the ability to hit any life form with a weak stun blast (less effect than one zat gun shot), while also scorching metal walls black and cutting down stalactites easily. Reminds me of the dubbing of season 3 of Space Cruiser Yamato/Star Blazers, you could see lasers going right through people leaving burnt holes, but of course the lasers were stun beams and the people were androids. Or the "robotic" (yeah right) defense forces in Battle of the Planets. There was the token tough guy, token telepath, token alien, token shapeshifter etc etc. Add to all this, one-liner lessons of life such as "Sometimes you just gotta make a choice, go for it and deal with the consequences" made me grind my teeth and cower in horror. The theme song and music were both, um, I have no words for how awful they were. I suppose Infinity might appeal to someone whose IQ <= their shoe size, but I warn any SG1 fans out there, be afraid and run away from Infinity.

The Return of Captain Nemo (1978 TV Movie)

He's wet! He's wild! He's visited by men in short skirts!

[10/10 · 16 August 2002]

A very fun bad movie. Jose Ferrer (who played Emporer Shaddam IV in the fake video version of Dune) was the only good actor in this film. I saw this for the first time on TV in the late eighties in Woburn MA. I love submarine shows, fact and fiction, and my friends and I were heckling bad movies long before MST3K did it professionally. Professor Cunningham is the world's most senile supervillain. Tor the xenophobic psychic android was hilarious with his "Aliens must die!" lines. I swear that Cunningham's sub the Raven looked like it was made from Space:1999 Eagle parts. When Mr. Miller said that,"The U.S. government is not a commercial enterprise" I howled with laughter. Also laughed when Miller held up a Betamax videotape (another case of superior marketing [VHS] beating out superior technology [Beta], like Microsoft's brilliant marketing of crappy software, or the soap opera-like addictiveness of the WWE). Nemo's submarine the Nautilus was an incredible anachronism, psychedelic nuclear fission reactor, stealth projector, laser cannon, force field, 120 knots top speed (I believe our fastest subs today go almost 40 knots), and a crush depth deeper than anything other than the Bathyscape Trieste (which reached the deepest part of the oceans in 1960 with 2 crewmen aboard). Good guys fired blue stun lasers while bad guys fired red kill shots. Tor had the best handgun, 5 settings, stun, kill, 'freeze', 'thaw', force field. They even slowed down some Star Wars music for a corridor fight scene! The Atlantean King's two top advisors set off my gaydar. Apparently the formula for Nemo's laser beam is only about 10 characters long, according to Cunningham's brain tap, like wow man. I give this a 10 as a bad movie!

The Wizard of Mars (1965)

Too rotten for MST3K!

[1/10 · 7 May 2002]

This movie was so bad even I couldn't stand it. It was the first movie I ever removed from my massive personal collection because it was just that lame. I gave it to someone for free under the condition that he took it away, far away. I bought it under the title "Horrors of the Red Planet", and it was only slightly less nauseating than "Wizard of Mars" because it was shorter. You could cut half of this film out and you wouldn't miss it. The summary on the box had absolutely nothing to do with the movie, it mentioned black holes, alien ships and photon torpedos, none of which appeared in the film. I've seen better films on Petri dishes. The special effects were so bad they made Doctor Who look like Star Wars. (I'm not slamming DW, that's my favorite show.) A wall of shaking tin foil with a red lamp on it wa supposed to be underground magma. The science in this made Godzilla look like Andromeda Strain. One of the characters said something like,"We don't have enough oxygen to make it. But there is a little oxygen in the Martian atmosphere, so if we drop our suit pressure to below Martian air pressure, the extra oxygen will flow into our suits." WROOOOOOOONG! The characters were about as bright as coal sacks, sharp as balloons. I gave this movie a 1, which was far too generous but it's the lowest score available. If you want a better movie, watch Blood Diner.