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The Legend of Bigfoot (1975)
Musings of a man who knows how to make a quick dollar
Ivan Marx, in his infinite wisdom, decides to take it upon himself to find the legendary Bigfoot after happening upon tracks he can't match to any animal and trampling them. With wit akin to throwing a dart at a map, he sets off to various parts of the Northern hemisphere, but only where the majority of people speak English.
I have met Alzheimer's patients who don't stray this far off subject when talking. To make this last 75 minutes, stock footage of everything possible is thrown in including a harrowing story of a squirrel who gets hit by a car and a moose defending his masculinity.
This is less a movie than a testament to the willingness of people to buy into anything that seems strange and mysterious. Although, if you really feel like you need to watch it, I've taken the liberty of outlining the main points so that you don't have to subject yourself to it.
There's more than one.
They don't reflect light.
They bury their own in glaciers.
They can manifest themselves as glowing white birds.
They are vegetarians.
Eskimos venerated them.
There, you didn't have to hear about goats committing ritualistic suicide.
Blood Car (2007)
Decent idea...that's about it
The opening scene has to be one of the most pretentious things I have ever seen in my life. I loved it. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie falls flat on its face.
This is a prime example of companies like Troma trying to make B-movies. A good B-movie is the product of someone trying to make a serious movie on a low budget but fails horribly. The end result is a movie that has a certain charm to it that isn't over the top in its comedic effect. This movie, on the other hand, wants to come off as laughable and ends up too forced.
If Troma's your thing, go for it.
[Rec] (2007)
All a build-up to the last 5 minutes
I feel like I have to preface this entire comment with the statement that I hate this pseudo-artistic handy cam style that everyone seems to think brings realism to a story when in reality is nothing more than a method of saving production costs.
That being said, REC is an exceptional addition to this style. The tension of the story is built around people acting like people in an incomprehensible (to the characters) situation. A group of tenants and a few civil servants are trapped in a building by the Spanish Health Department without an explanation. Cue the zombies. Everyone runs around demanding answers from one another, who are all equally clueless as to what's happening, until a Health Department official tells them that a contagious virus having been found in a dog belonging to a resident of the building has been discovered. From there, everything happens almost all at once.
The entire movie builds up to the last five minutes in a room where a reclusive scientist lived. Everything is, more or less, wrapped up here and is the only tension filled scene in the movie. Anyone who has the seen the beginning of The Grudge (American version) will see what's coming when the door to attic swings open and the cameraman decides to see what's up there, but that doesn't stop it from being genuinely scary.
Altogether, this movie has a solid story line, but suffers from too much camera movement in parts that are intended to be terrifying. Easily a good movie, but not worthy of more than one viewing.
As a final note, I have to say that the best part is when the little girl becomes infected and starts yelling like a brat who wants something at Toys R' Us. Funny stuff.
Meet the Spartans (2008)
Subtlety is an art form
Honestly, is America so dense that the only thing that we respond to is pop culture and anatomical references? I don't believe that Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg even find this tripe funny. However, I do understand that everyone has a mortgage to pay.
When this movie opened, it accumulated 18.5 million dollars. If we assume that the average ticket price is $10, that obviously means that 1,850,000 people consciously decided to spend their free time watching this movie. That doesn't even include the the hordes of internet downloaders who saw it for free.
This kind of comedy almost makes Adam Sandler look brilliant. I wouldn't mind so much if it were an isolated incident, but it seems to be a recurring trend as the directors/writers have already established some sort of career with Scary Movie all the way to Epic Movie. Even Mel Brooks concocts somewhat original titles.
If we want better movies, we have to stop giving credence to tabloids and demand that our intelligence not be insulted.
Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)
Sue me
A group of twenty-somethings, as part of a Survivor clone reality show, are stuck in the woods amidst a barrage of mutant, inbred hillbillies and must fight for their lives. You've seen this before, right? Of course. What you haven't seen before, though, is this premise done well.
Neoteric director Joe Lynch takes us on a journey of sordid proportions as we see what life is really like when you ingest toxic waste and don't become a superhero. The mutants have much more screen time and human appeal than the original. They watch television, eat, and pray together. All the things that normal families do. The father even lets his son use his bow to murder their soon to be family dinner. If that's not love, I don't know what is.
The cast is well rounded with Henry Rollins and Erica Leerhsen being the primary focus. Rollins is, as usual, inimitably portraying the hardcore, tough-as-nails ex-marine that we love him for. Throughout the bulk of the movie, as the other characters are making a mad dash around frantically and yelling at each other, he is tactically hiding in the woods planning and preparing himself and looks a lot like a low-budget Rambo in the process. Leerhsen, on the other hand, is running through every nook and cranny of the forest to avoid the mutants, yet always runs into them. I have to hand it to her, though, her performance was the best I've seen in awhile in any movie.
If you've ever watched an H.G. Lewis movie and enjoyed it, you'll love this.
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
I liked it...
None of the Friday the 13th sequels are good in the traditional sense of the term, but you have to give credit to the writers for at least attempting to breathe new life into the series with "A New Beginning".
The story starts out with a psychologically rattled Tommy Jarvis being taken to a mental institute that is run like a day spa. Upon his arrival, one of the residents is axed to death, essentially for being annoying, and then the rest of the cast get picked off...well, you know how it goes.
What really sets this movie apart from its predecessors is the introduction of a mystery element. Every killing is done in an Argentoesque manner where we never actually see who's perpetrating the crimes and are left to guess his identity. I enjoyed what they were going for, but ultimately, the reveal was more like Scooby Doo than Deep Red. It's hard to be surprised when the villain is someone you knew nothing about and every sign pointed to someone else.
The characters were all surprisingly real, so when they were sent to sleep with the fishes you felt kind of bad for them, especially Demon and Violet. Demon was a Michael Jackson wanna-be who only had about fifteen minutes of screen time but was incredibly memorable. Violet was the definition of 80's pop and, in my opinion, had the best scene in the movie where she did the robot.
Fans of the series tend to label this entry as the black sheep. I think it was one of the better sequels.
Suspiria (1977)
A must-see for horror fans
Alternately chilling and comical, this is easily one of Argento's best.
The story itself is basically a paint by numbers of horror movies before it, involving an American girl in Germany studying ballet, but what really sets it apart is the atmosphere. In Argento's earlier movies, he used a lot of darkness to achieve tension. However, Suspiria takes a different approach, displaying vivid colors to heighten the terror.
The score, as usual in Argento undertakings, is done by the Goblins. Personally, I felt that Deep Red was ruined because of their contributions, but this time they pleasantly surprised me. The music managed to fit in rather than stick out here.
Truly enjoying this movie is a matter of forgiving the dialogue and plot and simply appreciating the artistic accomplishments of a horror movie that proves to be as beautiful as it is scary.
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)
Rape Stove would've been better
I, like most other people, saw this movie after hearing of it from Patton Oswalt. Oddly enough, it was easier to find than I thought it would be. Though, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I found it used.
The plot is summed upped masterfully within the title. It's a bed that eats. Nothing more, nothing less. There is an effort to throw in a story line but not a very good one.
A demon's blood ended up on a bed and, as a result, it becomes possessed. It devours anything that happens upon it by absorbing and then dissolving it in what appears to be orange Fanta. There is an artist who fell victim to the bed, but was sick and ends up behind a painting in the room it inhabits. The narrative is told entirely through him.
This movie fails horribly at everything, even at being bad. Still, it's not without its own brand of charm.
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
Enjoyable, if nothing else
The biggest problem this movie has is the fact that the director knew it was going to be in theaters. As a result, everything but the special effects suffers. That's not to say that the ghosts and set designs weren't spectacular, they're just all you get.
In a movie with a more than able cast, you wouldn't believe that these actors have had much experience because their characters are so flat. Tony Shalhoub is the only noteworthy player as his character has the biggest range of emotions. Matthew Lillard could have done well except for being too spastic. Shannon Elizabeth is obviously nothing more than eye candy since she never gets much of a chance to show that she can be more. Rah Digga seems like she was plucked from a pre 1950's Disney cartoon. F. Murray Abraham works as the villain since he has the most menacing look.
The attempts at humor were what held the movie together and kept it from becoming boring. If that hadn't been incorporated, the movie would have been nothing more than a lot of flashes and loud bangs.
The ending was easily the worst part because it feels too forced and haphazardly slapped together. It seems like no one really knew how to end it, just that it had to end.
I suppose I should at least say a few good things about this movie. I did enjoy it. The make-up work was phenomenal, and the set design showed more dedication than most movies that have been released recently. If you want to see a haunted house movie and aren't very demanding, you'll enjoy this, too.
The Last Man on Earth (1964)
Only for old-school sci-fi and Vincent Price fans
While being easily comparable to Monster-A-Go-Go, Last Man On Earth is not without it's charm. The story itself is solid and can be counted as one of the better science fiction stories ever told. The execution of the story is so terrible, though, that you no longer focus on the miserable loneliness and despair, that the movie should have focused more on, of the main character so much as tire of his narrative. The only thing worse than the pacing is the editing, especially in the beginning "death" scenes while Dr. Morgan is hunting the vampires that bare stronger resemblances to zombies than anything. If the director had taken more time and care with the scenes, this could easily have become a masterpiece.
Le notti del terrore (1981)
How often is a bear trap in someone's back yard?
The greatest thing about this movie is that on the back of the DVD case, it states that it will go down as a cult classic rivaling the fame of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I stumbled upon this movie when a friend was going to throw out an electric guitar of his and decided to give it to me. I didn't feel right just taking it without giving him anything in return, so, being the modest person that he was, he told me simply to buy this movie for him as he had noticed it at Suncoast a few days earlier. Being a fan of zombie movies I, of course, was compelled by my own curiosity to watch it. I now see why he wanted to own it.
Every line of dubbed dialogue is the most unintentionally humorous thing you will ever hear. The zombies wore masks, instead of makeup, that were covered in maggots that strangely made them look even worse than the zombies in Zombie Lake and a bit like Tusken Raiders. As if that weren't enough, they were also skilled in the art of using gardening utensils as weapons. They even have a scene where one zombie hands out said utensils to the other zombies, a la every ancient war movie you've ever seen. Lastly, who could forget the stunning man-boy with a Norman Bates complex?
Do yourself a favor, and at least rent this movie. It deserves to be seen by everyone at least once in their lifetime.
Cloverfield (2008)
What to say, what to say...
Here goes...
First and foremost, anything that relies on a gimmick as a major selling point is normally nothing more than a ploy. I'm referring to both the filming and marketing style.
The necessity of the party scene made sense. The introduction of the protagonists. Although, the characters offered the audience almost no opportunity to empathize or even understand who they were or how they felt. Instead, we were treated to people who had no real problems. They had no depth. If they intentionally weren't supposed to have depth, that would mean that the central focus of the movie would be on the monster as it is the other medium of expression. This can't be true, though, as the monster receives very little screen time and no back story.
The beginning shows the time stamp in the lower left hand corner. This only reoccurs as the snippets of Rob and Beth's relationship are shown. The rest of the film doesn't have this time stamp. Most, if not all camcorders, automatically show this unless the feature is turned off. Since this was turned on the last time the camcorder was used, I doubt it was turned off. It's appearance throughout the film, I'm sure, may have been offsetting, but it would fit in with the motif the director was going for and dispel some of the ambiguity that plagues the film.
The director seemed like he wanted to remind people that it was filmed with a hand-held camera at times. The camera would shake excessively for almost no reason.
Rob is obviously no older than 28. To get promoted to VP of a company is more than impressive (even more far-fetched) at this age.
Some people try to defend this movie based on the claim that it is original, unlike the majority of Hollywood films that have been made recently. Boy falls in love with Girl. Boy and Girl have a falling out. Boy is confronted with own mortality and loss. Boy feels stronger than ever about Girl. Boy saves Girl. Boy and Girl confess their love for each other. I rest my case.
The cameraman constantly repeats the same things over and over.
The monster hadn't been to the area where Beth lived when Rob arrived to save her. If it had, the destruction would have been greater. How then, did one building fall to the side to be braced by another building? If the resulting tremors of the monster's actions caused this, isn't it then logical that the second building would have fallen as well? If the building lost the structural integrity at it's base to fall over in the first place, it would have toppled over entirely regardless of the bracing affect of the second building. Of course, this is all hypothetical.
Beth gets impaled, yet can run around once they get out of the building. Adrenaline can only do so much, and can't logically be used as an excuse as she would have been nauseous from blood loss.
The sound effects made by the spawn creatures were laughable at best. Maybe they were meant to be a throwback to older science fiction films and not a theft of them.
When Hud goes to retrieve the camera after miraculously surviving the helicopter crash, the monster "sneaks up on him". To make matters more confusing, all but Hud's head is devoured by a monster that is the size of a skyscraper while Rob and Beth are able to run up and get the camera, that is unscathed, without being touched.
As for the claims of this being an allegory for the 9/11 attacks, that would have to imply that the writer has the capacity to understand such complex ideas as art representing life. This claim is as dumb as the woman who made a list of songs that have no subtextual correlation to anti-American values or in most cases anything violent and having them banned because she believed they reminded victims of the attack.
This list merely scratches the surface of a film that condemned itself to a sub-par story by it's own faulty mechanisms. The use of the first person POV limits the story more than forwards it. The Hitchcock idea of letting the mind draw it's own conclusions leaves this movie desperately wanting. I can formulate some sort of idea as to why the bites from the seedlings cause a person to "explode." I can understand why Rob decided to save Beth. I can even understand why the other three characters decided to go with him, but every explanation for every event throughout the entire film seems entirely too convenient.
Crank (2006)
Modern day attempt at an exploitation film
Objectification of women, razor thin plot, action sequences that exist for no other reason than to celebrate their own presence, horrible dialogue, and an anti-hero who has virtually nothing revealed about him who serves as little more than a plot device to further said action sequences are basically the meat and potatoes of this 87 minute (93, uncut) film. Had this been made 30 years ago, it probably would have starred Sonny Chiba.
I have to admit, within the first five minutes I almost gave up. The dialogue at the beginning is terribly juvenile and never gets any better. There is not one line that makes you think it's written by an adult. I persevered, though, only because the cinematography kept me interested. Mark Neveldine and Bryan Taylor did a well enough job of camera placement and editing to convey the rushed sense of the character without seeming too spastic. Half way through, they seemed to have given up on the random camera angles and went for a more conservative action movie approach. The score seemed to do the exact opposite; misplaced in the beginning and more relevant toward the end.
Altogether, this movie kept me, at the very least, entertained. Is it worth buying? No. Is it worth renting? Depends on the price. I really hope that these two directors/writers have learned something from making this. I'm curious to see how their next attempt will fare.
The Venture Bros. (2003)
A diamond in the rough...
After the wake of horribly incomprehensible cartoons that followed in the success of Aqua Teen, a show with continuity and humor that doesn't rely on catch phrases and absurdity emerges. The humor and characters can be a little forced and juvenile on occasion, though, but it doesn't affect the overall feel or drag it down.
Hank and Dean, in their naivety, work perfectly as counterparts to the bodyguard, Brock Samson, and middle-aged, scientist father, Dr. Rusty Venture, who constantly have to look after the boys well being even though they have extra "copies" of them. Though, in my opinion, the real driving mechanism of the series has to be The Monarch, at least from a comedic perspective, especially in episodes involving the love triangle with Dr. Girlfriend and Phantom Limb. In the end, we have a gaggle of characters that seem as though they were created by a bored junior high student during a free period who are all woven into a parody of Johnny Quest that is surprisingly enjoyable and better than most of the Adult Swim lineup.
Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)
Disappointing...
The only reason this attempt at storytelling deserves anything more than one star was because of one scene. The title character attempts to spy on the detective who is infatuated with her by wearing a hooded sweatshirt that hides everything but her face. I'm not sure if the comedy of the situation was intentional, but it hit right on the mark. Aside from that, the characters were as unbelievable as the concept of obsession the story was trying to portray. This sort of ill contrived, circular plot is no better than something Rod Serling or Stephen King would concoct. I've always liked Dario Argento's style of directing, but even that couldn't save this one.