sqeaston9 Reviews

Doctor Who: Deep Breath (2014) Season 8, Episode 1

A mixed bag

[5/10 · 23 August 2014]

*** This review will be full of spoilers *** The episode started badly with a dinosaur as tall as Elizabeth's Tower, which is more commonly and incorrectly known as Big Ben. That would have made the creature almost 100m tall, and a dinosaur that tall has never existed. It reminded me of the promotional poster of the original King Kong, in which he's depicted holding a woman as tall as a skyscraper.

Then we have some scenes with Clara talking to Madam Vastra, Jenny Flint and Strax. It's mostly uninteresting and at times Strax appears to be a total moron, particularly during his medical examination of Clara. Then The Doctor rides off on a horse.

At this point I was very unhappy, but then we moved onto the restaurant scene, the cyborg and the robots. Nice and creepy, good ideas, the things that Steven Moffat does best.

I understand that Moffat wants to keep it a kiddie friendly show, but IMO he overdid it here. Another Doctor that says Geronimo, really? However I must end on the most positive note of the episode, Peter Capaldi is excellent. No disrespect to Chris, David or Matt, but Peter looks like the Nu Who Doctor I wanted. I hold onto the hope that good writing will allow him to deliver some classics.

Defiance (2013–2015)

Great cast and production values wasted

[2/10 · 3 May 2013]

The main character is the sheriff in a ravaged post apocalyptic town with a rebellious alien adopted daughter. There's an honourable, female mayor (love interest, I have no doubt), an alien gangster, a bigoted (against aliens) human mine owner, the gangster's son and the mine owner's daughter who love each other. The token black guy in this one is the deputy.

In the series, the sheriff heroically solves the problem of the week.

I don't have a problem with the actors, I'm fine with the special effects and production values, but it's the same formula that the Sci Fi channel churns out over and over again. Same character dynamic, same plot, same everything. I wish those in charge would read a few decent books by good authors for a change and try to do something with them. Seemed to work OK with Game of Thrones. I'm not saying they need that level of production values or number of characters. But something new and interesting for a change, please.

No more Sci Fi law enforcement officers would be a start, as would a few characters with a bit of depth. And don't be afraid to kill some of them, break the rut you've fallen into. Have some pride in your writing.

Piers Morgan's Life Stories (2009– )

Why?

[1/10 · 8 May 2012]

So here we have quite probably the most despised celebrity in the UK interviewing a selection of other celebrities who on the most part no one else is interested in interviewing.

In some cases I don't understand why these people have agreed to be interviewed by this man in the first place, but in many they are just attention whores or interested in making a quick buck.

Piers' "confrontational" style isn't about finding the person behind the public facade, it's about asking rude, crass and stupid questions in a failed attempt to create sensationalist TV.

Ironically about the only person I'd feel comfortable watching Piers Morgan being this obnoxious to is Piers Morgan himself. I'd love to watch an AI version of himself asking the real Piers Morgan these kinds of questions and laugh as he walked out halfway through the interview.

Catwoman (2004)

Not totally awful.....

[1/10 · 11 January 2012]

I finally watched this movie last night and found it poor rather then completely awful. I certainly can't understand all the ratings of 1 and 10 here since this obviously doesn't deserve either rating.

Some praise/criticise this for being camp. Well it is a bit, but it's no Rocky Horror Picture Show or 60s Batman.

This is a movie that doesn't do anything particularly well, but is brought down by doing some things particularly badly. For me the vocals on the soundtrack is the worst aspect of this movie, rather than sing the vocalist makes annoying moaning noises that at times sound like she's either in pain or having an orgasm.

Star Trek (2009)

Terrible plot undermines what was otherwise good

[6/10 · 4 January 2012]

So Star Trek returns with it's most visually stunning outing to date. This movie looks great, with very nice sets, special effects, costumes and action set pieces.

Similarly, the casting is very good. Quinto is just perfect as Spock, and I found the choices made for the other characters fine as well. This was one of my biggest concerns for this reboot, so bravo! The story effectively creates a new reality for our characters, a major catastrophe means that this is effectively a different universe to Star Trek:TOS. I think this was probably for the best, freeing the writers from the constraints of the existing storyline. I know that many viewers object to this thinking it somehow invalidates other existing Star Trek franchises. It doesn't because it's a different reality. ST:TOS, TNG, DS9 and Voyager are real in their own universe and are as valid as ever.

But where the movie really falls down is the plot. There are many plot holes, ridiculous coincidences and incomprehensible decisions made by the characters. It seemed like the plot was simply created to string together the action set pieces regardless of how stupid it turned out. I can understand this being an action orientated movie, but I couldn't help but find myself regularly shaking my head at what I was seeing.

The plot is so poor it reduces what would have been 10/10 for a 'Wrath of Khan' quality plot to a mediocre 6/10. Please, more of the same for the next movie but write a decent story, or at least one that makes logical sense. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Signs (2002)

Illogical, amoral crap

[2/10 · 17 December 2011]

The biggest problem with the movie is how ridiculous the plot is, but since this is more of a 'man regains his faith' movie than one about alien invasion I'm going to cover my thoughts on that here.

*** Spoilers Follow ***

So Mel plays a priest who's struggling with his faith because his wife died in a nasty accident some years earlier. God did this to HIM therefore his faith has wavered, children being murdered in Nazi death camps is absolutely fine. Then some silly plot devices happen that allow him and his family to survive and he finds his faith again. Once again it's all about HIM, screw everyone else. I find this way of thinking morally repugnant.

There is no internal logic to this movie. We never get to understand why aliens with the technology to travel to our planet are retards. Read some of the other reviews of this movie if you need elaboration. These aliens make the ones in Battlefield Earth look intelligent.

I hate this movie, and only the cinematography and acting raise this to a rating of 2/10.

Spice World (1997)

The oldest profession

[1/10 · 13 June 2011]

Once upon a time there were The Spice Girls. They introduced us to 'girl power', a thinly disguised effort to use sex to sell manufactured pop music, potato chips and fizzy drinks to little kids and morons. And then there was this travesty of a movie.

This is very much like other exploitation movies made to cash in on popular music groups in the past, but with all the good elements removed. There is nothing redeemable about this whatsoever, it's pure trash, and since the 'music' of The Spice Girls has no longevity neither does this.

If you want to pick this up along with the girl's entire back catalogue of CDs, I recommend checking out the bargain bins in charity shops. You shouldn't have a problem finding it all, and then at least something positive will have come out of this.

Doctor Who: The Impossible Astronaut (2011) Season 6, Episode 1

A strong start for Season 6, Moffat at his best

[10/10 · 25 April 2011]

For me this is one of the best Doctor Who episodes since it's relaunch. From the start it's intriguing, humorous and creepy. Such great writing.

*** Spoilers follow *** I loved how sublime some of it was, particularly the way this Doctor is so manipulative. It seemed to me his messing up while operating the Tardis was him testing River Song to ensure she could operate the view screen through the invisibility cloak. And his line to Conrad "on no accounts follow me, close the door after you" was both funny and informative. Not to mention his Mrs Robinson codename for River Song.

The aliens are original, mysterious and creepy, having the ability to edit memory. Great stuff.

There are a few common threads to Moffat's writing, such as children and figures in spacesuits. But while he delivers scripts like this, I have no problem with it.

I wonder how they intend to get around the fact that it is Matt Smith's Doctor that is dying, I assume the series will continue after his departure (long may he stay). This could be a writing glitch like the one where River Song meets David Tennant's Doctor. It should have been patently obvious to her from early on that this was an earlier incarnation of the Doctor than the one she knew, making some of her questions moronic. Assuming he knew Tennant was leaving shortly (which perhaps he didn't), as script editor Davies should have picked up on and corrected this.

And final mentions to the cast, who were all excellent, and the crew, this episode looked great.

City of the Living Dead (1980)

Incoherent gore flick with teleporting zombies

[3/10 · 16 April 2011]

The good things about this movie are some of the gore effects and some of the sets. There are scenes in this movie which look pretty good, especially considering when it was made.

Unfortunately, that's where the good news ends. Much of the movie is boring, the acting is bad, and you never get to really care about the characters. But the worst things of all are the plot and editing. Very little makes any sense, zombies teleport around randomly, and seem to like staring at their victims as much as attacking them. For example there's a scene near the end where a zombie is shuffling towards the protagonists, and then suddenly they all change position and it's behind one of them. Weird. This movie is full of strange continuity errors like this.

Recommended to gore-hounds only.

The Quatermass Experiment (2005 TV Movie)

Very poor adaptation, zero credibility

[2/10 · 9 February 2011]

With a quality cast I had high expectations for this TV movie. Unfortunately it was the worst BBC adaptation I've seen in years.

*** Spoilers follow *** Initially, the movie just seemed to be really low budget and dull, with very poor dialogue. It was only when it first moved to a scene that wasn't set in a small room that I realised just how awful this was going to be. It showed the space capsule that had returned perched on top of a mound of earth, rather than being embedded into it in any way. There appeared to be no parachute, which raised the question of how the astronauts were expected to survive the impact in the first place.

Characters then started to say and do really stupid things. The most extreme example of this was when they held a press conference leaving a nurse alone with the sole surviving astronaut. They heard her scream, rushed to the scene to find that he'd escaped. They then just decided he'd escaped and debated over whether to alert the press to help recovering him. Just how far could he have got in one minute? Where was security? So they then learn from his blood that he's been infected by some kind of alien, and is going to produce spores that'll destroy all life on Earth within hours. How do organic spores travel faster than the speed of sound? The ending is also stupid and annoying, but I've said enough about this already. Unless you enjoy being treated like an idiot by fools then avoid this. 2/10.

Birdie & Bogey (2004)

THE worst movie I've ever seen, bar none

[1/10 · 9 February 2011]

If you plan to sit through this you're going to need one of two things; a) a strong stomach, or b) no brain.

*** Spoilers follow *** The main characters in this movie are an ageing Pro-Golfer father and his golf obsessed daughter. Their entire range of conversation is talking about golf and expressing their love for each other, and absolutely nothing else. The mother walked out five years before, and listening to these two it's hardly surprising. There's also an uncle around occasionally who's no more interesting.

The daughter is convinced her daddy is the greatest golfer in the world, and turns out to be some sort of caddying prodigy. She makes a bet with him that if she can beat him in a round, he'll carry on his career, which of course she does. Good to hear betting is OK in the eyes of The Lord.

Thus they embark on a golfing tour, although oddly they always seem to be staying in the same hotel throughout. There's also this inane, creepy, grinning woman who keeps turning up and talking even more drivel to them.

Then we get to the drive of the story as the daughter is diagnosed with leukaemia. At last, a new topic for the characters to talk about. The mother turns up at the hospital to see her sick daughter, and we discover that no one's even bothered to tell her that her daughter's got leukaemia. Further, the dad and uncle refuse to let her even see her own daughter, because "she's done fine without her over the past five years." These people are sick.

I really couldn't take any more, but my guess is that the father was inspired to win, got together with the boring woman, and the daughter recovered. Thus the cycle of generational mental illness continues.

And I viewed this on God TV. I found it to be repugnant.

American Inventor (2006–2007)

Like Dragon's Den, but for retards

[3/10 · 9 February 2011]

So in this age of reality TV, someone thought it'd be a good idea to cross Dragon's Den with American Idol.

Dragon's Den is a British TV programme where business men and women pitch their ideas to a panel of multi-millionaires in the hope of getting investment/help. Their advice is constructive (if often rude), and the program is mainly about the ideas themselves and why they will/won't work.

American Inventor is more about the people pitching the ideas than the ideas themselves. The point seems to be to show just how stupid many of the applicants are, and to publicly humiliate them. Those who are successful are shown weeping and hugging each other. It's all enough to make me vomit.

Sherlock: A Study in Pink (2010) Season 1, Episode 1

Very good, what a modern re-telling should be

[27 July 2010]

The essential ingredients for a good Sherlock Holmes story for me is a good plot and good acting, and I'm pleased to say this delivers. The writing and cast are excellent, which is particularly pleasing after the last Moffat/Gatiss collaboration was so bad, the Doctor Who story "Victory of the Daleks".

The re-invention of Doctor Watson as a war scarred ex-army Doctor adds a welcome new dimension to the character, and Holmes himself is eccentric in the extreme, and lacks the social skills to make friends easily despite his genius. To quote the character "genius needs an audience", and thus he can't help sharing insensitive (although astute) observations regarding those around him. Unsurprisingly, this alienates many of his acquaintances, but fascinates Watson.

This was a great start, and I'm hoping what follows will be of a similar quality.

Star Trek: Voyager: Endgame (2001) Season 7, Episode 24

Janeway commits genocide and breaks the Prime and Temporal Directives

[2/10 · 5 June 2010]

And so Voyager finishes almost as badly as it started, in which Janeway once again shows her flexibility regarding the Prime and Temporal directives, and commits genocide to further her own ends. Where were the Time Agents in this episode? How could Janeway have become an Admiral after this? Like much of Voyager this is an ill-considered, inconsistent mess. There was also no real closure for the characters, in ST:DS9 this was somewhat over the top in the final story, but at least it was present.

Having the Borg as the villains at the end was a good idea squandered with an awful plot. Good bye Voyager, and good riddance.

The Thing (1982)

Just edges out Alien as the finest Sci Fi/Horror film ever made

[10/10 · 27 May 2010]

This is, and will likely remain, one of my favourite movies. It's as near perfect within it's genre as any movie I've ever seen. The cast, the sets, the script, the special effects: all excellent.

To my mind, there are two ways to make a really entertaining horror film. Play it straight, or throw in a heavy element of comedy. This movie plays it straight right down the line, although that's not to say there aren't a few laughs to be had, there are some classic lines of dialogue.

The movie's soundtrack and score establish a sense of foreboding from the get go, and as the characters witness one scene of unimaginable horror after another, the fear and paranoia grows palpably. The imagination and thought put into the special effects lifts the movie to a level as yet unsurpassed, Rob Bottin deserved an Oscar for his work here, with an honourable mention going to Stan Winston who stepped in to alleviate the workload, providing a particularly memourable scene.

I can't believe I didn't see this at the cinema at the time of it's release. This is partly down to the critics, who should hang their heads in shame for panning this film. But beyond that, the trailer was awful, failing completely to convey the brilliance on display here.

Another criticism levelled at this movie is there are no female cast members, but there really wasn't any need for them. The last thing this movie needed is a romantic sub plot.

Much as I love Alien, I prefer this. To quote John Carpenter, this monster isn't just some guy in a suit. This is the best of the best.

You've probably seen this movie already, but if not and you like horror (particularly of a Lovecraftian flavour), I urge you do so at the earliest opportunity.

Doctor Who: Victory of the Daleks (2010) Season 5, Episode 3

Steven Moffat's first stumble, but it's a big one

[1/10 · 25 May 2010]

Overall, I've really enjoyed season 5 Doctor Who. I really like the new Doctor, Amy pond and Rory, and haven't had any major problems with any of the episodes up to and including The Hungry Earth, except this one. This episode I hate.

First the good: I liked Ian McNeice as Winston Churchill, great choice I thought. And the Daleks looked pretty good in Khaki green, a suitable colour for Daleks.

I know that Doctor Who is fantastical, but please let's have a story and events that make sense on some level. Was having Spitfires in space really worth just how ridiculous and unbelievable the whole idea was? But it was the new Daleks that really got me down, they look terrible! Daleks aren't supposed to look like they're made of plastic (even if they are). There was no need to change their size or basic design, the original shape is iconic, and has stood the test of time for almost fifty years.

So making them bigger was supposed to make them look more menacing? Well, that might work if they weren't painted in florescent colours. Would Darth Vader have been as menacing as he was if his armour was bright orange? Daleks need to be in dark, or metallic colours, or both. Mark Gatiss and Steve Moffat, you have taken liberties with an icon. Keep your horrible new design if you must, but at least paint them metallic grey, or black, or something. Watch Genesis of the Daleks, and then try to tell me these new day glow Daleks are scarier or cooler looking.

Pearl Harbor (2001)

This movie made me cry and laugh......

[2/10 · 25 May 2010]

The best thing I can say about this movie was that I was driven to emotional extremes. At some points I was near to tears, and at others laughing hysterically. Problem was not at the points or for the reasons intended by the filmmakers.

First of all, if you're going to make a film about a major historical event, do some basic research. There so many ways this story could be well told while sticking to the basic facts, there's no need to insult your audience's intelligence with garbage. There are so many things wrong other reviewers have already documented that I won't bother going over them again here.

If you're going to try to introduce a romantic sub plot (which this doesn't need), write a decent story/dialogue or don't bother, particularly if you're incapable of directing these kinds of scenes.

Pearl Harbour was a pivotal event in world history, why not examine that aspect rather than following it up with a fictitious exercise in flag waving. I despair.

Still, the actual attack sequences looked pretty impressive, so I generously give this a 2/10.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Wow, this movie was horrible

[1/10 · 25 May 2010]

It's rare that I actually get depressed watching a movie, it takes a special kind of bad to do that to me. Previously, it was Highlander II: The Quickening and Stars Wars: The Phantom Menace, and now there is this.

This is just painfully bad from the start up to twenty minutes until the end, which I can't comment on because I switched it off at that point. There's only so much torture I can take.

One of the most puzzling things to me is who was this movie aimed at? The plot was moronic, contradictory, and had massive continuity errors. The alleged humour infantile in the extreme. And yet the movie had adult content, rendering it unsuitable for the eight-year-olds I'd expect to appreciate this best.

Some of the special effects (which I'd hoped would be the movie's saving grace) were so awful they looked like they belonged in a video game.

After Pearl Harbour, and this, I shall avoid anything directed by Michael Bay in the future for the sake of my mental well being.

Lost: The End: Part 1 (2010) Season 6, Episode 17

Emotionally moving, intellectually vacant

[7/10 · 25 May 2010]

And so one of the finest Fantasy TV shows we've ever seen concludes. Why do I say Fantasy? Because as the seasons have unfolded the writers have resorted more and more to the fantastical to explain that which can't logically be explained.

Spoilers follow: So the good aspect of The End was there were some excellent and satisfying emotional scenes as the characters in the alternative reality remembered the main time line, and their love for each other. This worked very well, at least until the last ten minutes, when we learn that they're actually all dead, and are in some kind of waiting dimension before moving on. Not only does this make no sense, but it completely invalidates everything that happened in the alternative universe. How is it possible that children are born in this reality when they weren't born on Earth? Why didn't Jin and Sun remember how to speak English? What relevance did the detonation of the H-Bomb have? Then there's all the burning questions built up and then discarded as the series went on, such as the whole pregnancy sub plot. I'd have expected some kind of explanation, but like so many others (no pun intended) there was none. The overall answer to everything seemed to be 'it's all down to some magical light in a cave'. What about 'the rules' regarding certain characters not being able to kill other characters? Thrown out of the window.

So emotionally, a success; intellectually, an epic fail. A shame, because this series had such enormous potential.

Alien³ (1992)

The follow up to Aliens few of us wanted to see

[7/10 · 2 January 2009]

When I first saw this movie I absolutely hated it. It totally invalidated the ending of Aliens, I didn't like most of the characters (who were hard to tell apart), and I found it to be a depressing body count movie. My feelings have mellowed a little since, and while I still consider it fairly poor at least it wasn't as bad as Alien:Resurrection.

*** Spoilers follow *** I think the first problem most of us had were the deaths of Hicks and Newt. After the ending of Aliens we'd come to love these characters, and to kill them off in such a way was a huge turn off.

I soon realised the only character I cared about aside from Ripley was the Doctor (Charles Dance), but he died fairly early and it soon became obvious that Ripley was going to die too (with an Alien inside her).

So the bald guys get killed one by one and I couldn't care less.

On the plus side some of the visuals were good, and the movie was successful in evoking a dark and depressive tone. But with no emotional involvement or interesting plot, the experience was just flat.

After the first two movies in the franchise, this had a lot to live up to, and in that respect, and like so many third installments, it failed.

Masters of Horror: John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns (2005) Season 1, Episode 8

Outstanding entry

[9/10 · 19 December 2008]

I'd first like to echo some of the other postings here by saying I found this to be John Carpenter's best work in years, it had me glued to the screen.

There are so many things to like. The script and particularly the dialogue are quite sublime, building up upon the sense of foreboding established early on. All the actors put in quality performances, this is well directed work. The shocks and moments of gore work effectively, if this had been released in the UK during the 80s it would have been banned as a 'video nasty'.

Is this too plagiaristic? I don't think so. While it has similarities to earlier presentations (such as The Ninth Gate), I think there's plenty of room in this genre for more horrors in this style. Rather this than more 'body count' and/or 'torture porn' movies. Like others, I'd have been quite happy to see this (expanded) as a full length movie.

And excellent addition to the series, possibly the best. Highly recommended.

Battlestar Galactica: Revelations (2008) Season 4, Episode 10

Terrible first half of season 4

[3/10 · 14 December 2008]

I really enjoyed BG Seasons 1-3 and really couldn't understand those who didn't like it. But I can't defend this nonsense. Spoilers follow.

The first problem is that the characters are now doing inexplicably stupid things on a regular basis:

So if Starbuck thinks she knows where Earth is why not send her out in a Raptor? Would the Admiral accept the resignation of his third most experienced officer? Would the Quorum elect their newest member, the non-elected Adama Junior? He has about three weeks political experience under his belt, and is the son of a man they distrust. Would Adama send Gaeta AND Halo along with Starbuck leaving himself short of senior officers? Would Adama put a man into having sex with cylon prisoners in charge of the fleet?

I just don't buy any of this.

Secondly, while I accept there have been miracles and references to god up to the end of season 3, it's now all totally over the top. I started watching BG because I thought it was Sci Fi, not some biblical epic. I expected the characters to continue to behave reasonably intelligently, and wanted some satisfying explanations regarding some of the odder developments in the series.

Baltar was the best character in the show, but he now seems to be totally insane. Not illogical considering what he's been through, but very unsatisfying.

All the characters appear to be just puppets dancing to an unknown third party's behest (some godlike entity). This isn't good drama, it's annoying and a writing cop out.

OK, so what are the good points? Nice battle at the start of 4.1. Some good dramatic scenes (well acted) when viewed in isolation. A good final scene, a nice cliffhanging curve ball of a development.

But this isn't Sci Fi, it's turned into Fantasy. I can't imagine how the writers can recover this one.

Deal or No Deal? (2005–2023)

Moronic

[1/10 · 14 December 2008]

So here's the format: There are random boxes containing cash awards that the contestant eliminates one by one. Occasionally a phone will ring which the presenter answers and then offers the contestant cash to drop out now (the call was from 'the banker', rhyming slang perhaps?). The offers are poor at the start, until there are only a few boxes left. And that's it, no intelligence required.

How anyone can watch this is beyond me, but to make it worse it's hosted by the retard pandering king himself, the excreable Noel Edmonds. I can't watch him without the hair on the back of my neck standing up. So smug, so slimy and insincere.

This is THE worst thing on TV, bar none.

Doctor Who: Last of the Time Lords (2007) Season 3, Episode 13

I love Doctor Who, old and new, but I can't defend this

[3/10 · 7 April 2008]

I'm very grateful to Russell T Davies for being instrumental in returning Doctor Who to our screens, but I'm beginning to wish he'd stop writing episodes.

*** Spoilers follow *** The biggest problem with this and the previous episode was the Master, who as others have already noted now more closely resembles the Joker from Batman. I adore John Simm, and feel if the part had been better written he could have been excellent. Then there's the problem that the monsters are flying cybernetic beings for the third season finale in a row. The whole 'Doctor as a kind of messiah figure and his companion as his prophet' concept left me cold.

A shame, because some of the other stories in the season were really quite good, and I liked Martha. There seems to been a gradual slide in story quality since season one, and I'm hoping the new season with Catherine Tate will buck the trend. The first episode was fairly lame (another Davies episode), but Ms Tate was excellent I thought.

Braindead (1992)

The best comedy-horror movie ever made? Yes.

[10/10 · 7 April 2008]

Shaun of the dead wasn't the first ZomRomCom ever made, this was, and it's even better.

First off a warning, this is quite savagely gory, and if you have a problem with that you may struggle. However it's all so insane it's very difficult to be affected as with more serious horror movies. There's a heavy slapstick element to the movie, and more hilarious scenes than I've ever seen in another movie of this type (by some distance).

As much as I liked Peter Jackson's 'Lord of the rings' trilogy, I prefer this, and hope he returns to the genre at some point.