syfodyas Reviews

28 Days Later (2002)

Avast, Matey!

[3 July 2003]

28 Days later is a Fantabulously shiney and new approach to the Zombie movie. Sure, some people may argue and say it's not a zombie movie, but I say it is. I say that because I need to believe it, and because Resident Evil was a big ol' Toilet Tater, and I want to forget about it. In order to forget, I need a new zombie movie to talk about. So this is my new movie.

The fantastic newness stems from the fact that we are treated almost immediately to an explanation of the infection that causes people to become "The infected". I'm not aware that this approach has been used before, although, I have been wrong on many, many occasions.

The infection is carried in the Blood and Saliva, of the carriers and can be passed via the same bodily fluids. Henceforth, if you kill one of the infected, and get some of it's blood in your eye, you are also infected. Now, this is totally sweet for two reasons.

1. The Infected projectile vomit blood to infect other people. Kudos to Danny Boyle for fitting projectile vomiting into his movie. It's about time a director gave it a chance. I salute you projectile vomit.

2. The Infection only takes about 30 seconds to ummm....infect you. This is cool because when someone gets infected, you don't have any time to waste, you need to kill them, like now.

The acting is good, all fairly new actors as far as I know. They may be big in Europe, I have no idea. They all did fantastic if you ask me. You can identify with the characters, and the Infected are convincingly violent and depraved.

After all is said and done, I give this movie a ten! It makes me want to go drink bright red slushies all day long until I vomit ghastly red fountains of slushie matter into the faces of the nay sayers that didn't appreciate it! Hoooray!

Cannibal! The Musical (1993)

D.I.Y all the way.

[8 November 2002]

To summarize my feelings on this movie, I can say only one thing. If you don't like it, you are a dirty, dirty communist. This movie has something for absolutely everyone. Sure, it may seem crudely made from time to time, but that just adds to the charm. You just need to keep in mind that this was a movie made by a group of college kids, with no budget. Not that this movie needs excuses, quite the contrary actually. This movie manages to pull off at least ten times the charisma of a Hollywood movie, but with less than a 10th of the money. So I ask you, will you be enjoying the wit, charm and catchy tunes of Cannibal the musical? Or would you rather slap down your hard earned cash to watch some pretentious piece of trash, thrown together by some trendy bowl movement with no sense of humor.

I know where I'll be, I trust you'll do the right thing.

Oh by the by, for those of you with a DVD player in your possession, this movie is a must have for the extras alone. The liquored up cannibals commentary is almost as funny as the movie itself, and the other Troma extras on the disc are interesting to say the least. And anyone that knows anything about Troma knows that a Troma disc, is a cheap disc.

HAVE AT!!!!

Dog Soldiers (2002)

Affleck, you was da bomb in phantoms, YO!

[6 November 2002]

I must admit, when I first read about this movie in Fangoria it looked like big red bucket of feces, but I was pleasantly far from the mark on that estimation. Dog soldiers manages to achieve a B-Movie atmosphere that can only be achieved by not trying achieve such a feel. It is simply a well made movie that was crafted by someone that knew exactly what they were doing, rather than someone trying to make another "Cult Classic" to capture the hearts of B-Movie fans everywhere. (are you listening Full Moon?) Horror movie makers everywhere should take a hint from this movie. It is beautifully made and demonstrates the fact that Neil Marshall is a dedicated writer/director that takes his craft, and horror movies in general very seriously. With a few more directors like him, maybe horror movies will stand a chance of becoming GOOD again.

The Day the World Ended (2001 TV Movie)

I beg you Jesus, strike me blind so I may never see this again.

[6 November 2002]

Okay, this movie is awful. I don't mean good awful, or funny awful or anything like that. I mean awful awful. Like, this is what's playing in the lobby at HELL, awful. No good special effects, sub par acting to say the least, and a plot that makes taking a dump feel like an intellectual activity. For the love of all things holy do not watch this movie....we all need to be very careful not to encourage anyone to think that this movie may be good in any way, shape or form. Use a buddy system if you have to. Every time you think of watching this movie call your buddy and he/she will come over and shoot you in the eyes with a high powered pellet gun until you change your mind.

PLEASE IMDB!! POST THIS!! THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE!

Save yourself the torment, watch Howard the Duck instead!!

The Ring (2002)

Lemme Break this on down.

[24 October 2002]

Jeez, I went and saw the ring the other day, and I gotta tell you, I was pretty impressed with it. It is one of the very few enjoyable horror films I have seen in the last several months, and I think this is due to a couple of different reasons.

First of all, I have never seen the original movie. I genuinely want to, but haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. Also, I really, really want to enjoy horror movies. Call me retarded, but I'm keeping the faith that sooner or later, really good horror movies are going to get made again.

There are a couple things, however, that I would like to bring up before letting The Ring go without suffering at least a little bit of my wrath. First of all, the beginning, with the two school girls talking about the tape, was utter crap. Now, I'm not sure if this scene was a part of the original, but if it was, I hope it was executed a little better than it was here. It all seemed a bit too "I know what you did last summer" for me. Which brings me to my next point.

If I were Gore Verbinski, and I were directing this movie, I would make DAMN Sure that Ehren Kruger's name was nowhere near it! Not to take away from Ehren Krugers ability as a writer, because I'm sure it's formidable, but wasn't this the person that wrote Scream 3? If you ask me, there is a certain stigma attached to the scream movies that makes me want to run away screaming from anyone involved. When I drop my hard earned wompum down on the theater counter, I want to know that I am supporting TRUE horror, not sappy, bubble gummy, I still know what I caught you doing last summer, horror. If the Scream movies were a living breathing entity, that could be reckoned with, I would wait until it was taking a crap and shank it with a homemade knife. That would be a crime worth doing time over. Imagine the respect I would get in prison!

Guard: Hey, have you seen the new guy?

Guard 2: Yeah I heard he killed scream!

Prisoners United: HOOORAY!!!

I would have more ho's than Suge Night!

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Lemme break this on down.

[23 October 2002]

The key to understanding this movie is simple: Completely sell out any dignity you may have, and lie. Put on your black framed glasses and head on down to the coffey shop. When you get there, tell everyone that Mulholland Drive was simply ________________!!!

Some Suggestions to fill in the above blank.

1. Divine 2. Superb 3. Intoxicating 4. Beautiful

Other comments to use:

I felt it was a poignant journey into the mind of a despondent young women trying to cope with the newfound terror she experiences at the prospect of not living her dreams.

Basically the idea here, is to create the illusion that you understand, and make it so believable that the next guy, who doesn't understand either, won't have the nads to ask you to explain it. You just have to make everyone else feel really stupid for not knowing, then you can all play the game together.

Me....I'm stupid, and proud to admit it. So I'm going to burn my Copy of this piece, and go rent "Revenge of the Nerds."

If anyone happens to run into Lynch, ask him to explain this movie.

Chances are he'll be too busy nailing a model in a pile of money to answer you.