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Twilight (2008)
Great movie for little girls dying to meet their dark prince.
It's a great movie for little girls dying to meet their dark prince who during his mere century of life never paid a visit to a tan salon.
There's definitely a new, sparkly in the sun, breed of vampires around who, apparently, don't even fume when exposed to that classically dangerous ultraviolet radiation. And that's when you thought Queen of the damned was one of her kind! So, these vampires go to school (no Buffies in this flick) redundantly like college hasn't been invented yet; what a pretty lame excuse for a higher education phobia, I know.
One of these eternal high school vampires meets Isabella, the central heroine of the movie, at a bio lab class. But, instead of greeting her, he's about to puke when he smells her teen flesh, so he rushes out of the classroom like a total bulimic, leaving Isabella thinking that perhaps she forgot to take a shower that morning. After a few days, she finally meets the weirdo again, and he manages to squeeze out a hello out of himself. Then they have a conversation, but, contrary to my expectations of their native English language proficiency reminiscent to that of Juno (remember that pregnant smart-mouthed chick from the eponymous movie?), both of them exhibit severely inadequate articulacy in verbally rather embarrassing situations.
The movie also "unintentionally" serves advertisements to the viewer with an Apple laptop, Google, and eBay. Blah blah blah, Isabella and the weird guy Edward become romantically involved, and what's even weirder than the guy himself is that, since he's born in the year 19-something, his legal age (he likes to tell everyone he's 17 though) is around 100 years (2000-something minus 1900-something equals 100 +/- 10), making him virtually a pedophile. Roughly, that's like Miley Cyrus dating your grandpa, with the exception that he looks like a Jonas brother. So, they go out on a date at a restaurant, but he says he's "on a special diet." Remember I said he was like a bulimic? My apologies: he's an anorexic.
He stalks her for a while, calling it his being "protective" of her. Later on, he takes her to his house where he lives with other high school vampires, among whom is Rosalie, played by Nikki Reed (she's got a huge butt in this movie, and I'd never guess it's hers if I didn't look up the movie's cast). He shows Isabella his room but there's no bed there; she wonders why's that, and it turns out he doesn't sleep - at all (no one to sleep with, apparently). He decides to show her his old kung-fu movie moves where he climbs trees like he's got needles in his butt and flies from one tree to another, all that while carrying Isabella on his back like adult female monkeys do when they have a baby without a babysitter.
Yeah, he keeps stalking her, and this time he appears in her room, saying that "the window was open," and then they try doing it in the bedroom of her dad's house, but it's a PG-13 movie, so he pushes himself off of her, they just lie on her bed, and nothing happens.
Then arrives this hungry horny firecrotch, who thinks Isabella is supposed to become his snack (like there are no girls in other states). And this is mostly where the drama ends and you can enjoy a bit of thriller/action. (:
Transformers (2007)
Haven't seen a better Transformers movie yet, but not happy about the TF-side story.
If you're a general fan of PG-13 sci-fi thrillers, this movie is very entertaining thanks to its visuals and non-stop action. Another positive side of this movie is the humor abundance.
If you're a fan of the animated series (G1/G2) though, you'll notice some alterations compared to the original concepts. They might be awkward and unpleasant to the classic series fans like me. Here are some of the movie's details I couldn't agree with.
First, there is the all spark cube that gives life to technology. I'm OK with the life giving part, but to technology? Any kind? That's ridiculous. Next, the cube was lost in the universe, and it had to fall down EXACTLY on Earth, as if there could be no other planets out there in the whole universe. Megatron rushed to find it but crash landed in the polar region of Earth. (Ummm, no spacecraft for Megatron was available at that time? Hello, it's Cybertron technology; they're supposedly advanced.) And he froze in the ice, of course, like a human without a fur coat. Then an attack on the army is stricken by a military chopper shaped decepticon, who happens to be piloted by a holographic image of a man with a mustache. I think the same holo-pilot with a mustache sits in the police car decepticon later on. Why was such holographic imagery ultimately needed? Especially, with a mustache. For protection against humans? Autobots soon arrive on Earth, again just like Megatron, without an apparent spacecraft, but as if meteorites instead. Their method of acquiring an "alternate shape mode" is rather magical than scientifically possible by any complex and rationally explainable theory. By scanning a nearby vehicle, their new shape is instantly changed. It's weird, but in cartoons, Megatron had to manually reshape his sports car team in order to turn them into transformable robots. The same goes with Alpha Trion fixing Orion Pax and Ariel, and not waving some magical Harry Potter stick over them to heal them. But here, in the movie, it's done so effortlessly. I never thought that Megatron would accept to be nearly indistinguishable from his "buddy" Starscream, but he was decided to be another jet instead of his ultimate weapon shape. And finally, back to the all spark. Its ability to give life to any kind of technology is probably the most idiotic idea a writer could come up with for this movie. The cube first turned a mobile phone into a psychotic weeny bot with on-board micro weaponry, then later it accidentally sparked a phone booth into another transformer with a readily loaded arsenal. It might as well transform a microwave oven into a robot that pops corn, or worse - a toilet seat that shoots you know what.
Neil's Party (2006)
Have an appetite for a stale pie?
How many times have I told myself not to watch UK movies? Plenty. This time, however, I didn't pay close attention to the country that produced this movie. "Fortunately," I didn't get to wait long to recognize the putrid ingredients in this poorly cooked slice of a British Pie movie. The flavor of the jokes here totally smells as if they have been picked up and placed on a plate straight from a men's toilet left full after an American party. The guys spoke too much like the blondest social butterflies where they didn't have to and would frigidly say nothing in the parts where I so expected them to open their mouth. The girls had no spice either: they must have been hand-picked by the worst looks in the pool of extras. Choose a movie. Choose a review. Choose where to watch it. But why would anyone want to watch a movie like this?