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Report 51 (2013)
Made me want to punch my monitor
This is a found-footage alien abduction movie. It's very poorly shot, poorly lit, poorly acted, and on and on down the line. 'Film-makers' with no money always think the 'found-footage' angle is a good way to go. Everything about it is amateurish. Especially the damned incessant screaming. The women in here scream at the top of their lungs almost non-stop. Like daggers in the temples. If my PC had a face, the screaming made me want to punch it. Kick it. Just make it stop. Instead I turned the volume knob all the way down. That made the movie better, especially when the dudes in rubber alien suits showed up... Just save a few hours and avoid this headache-inducing mess.
Uncle Goddamn (2004)
I Guess You Had To Be There
This 'film' is nothing more than poorly-filmed (on VHS) home movie footage. While the yokels behind the camera are laughing hysterically, something barely amusing is happening... over and over and over again. They padded the running time of this 'film' by replaying every unfunny moment 8-12 times. O they barely set his pants on fire. Hysterical. They barely tricked him into slapping shaving cream on his face. Genius. This is simply a bad home movie from a bunch of nitwit rednecks who don't understand that if you weren't there or you don't know uncle goddamn, it's just not funny. Someone should use this footage on behalf of the (probably dead from liver disease) aforementioned 'uncle goddamn' in a lawsuit. This isn't funny at all. It's cruel and mean-spirited abuse of a clearly low intelligence, alcohol-addicted person. Plus, these 'film-makers' probably supplied the alcohol so that they could get him drunk enough to abuse in the first place. Avoid this at all cost. It may sound like fun but the reality is not funny at all.
Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012)
Great Idea. Horrible reactions.
I have watched every episode of this show and have yet to see any response to any of the pranks except for stunned silence or whispered confusion. The concept is great and the premises are fine, but the reactions are always the same : polite confusion. Nobody ever gets angry. Or confrontational. Or...well... funny in any way, really. Plus, the dumb wraparound 'bits' with Betty are by far the weakest link. They're boring, never funny, Betty's delivery is always the same and the gag is always the same : 'the horny old lady making some lame sexual innuendo'. If you ever wondered how much 'Jackass' will suck when Johnny Knoxville and company get old... wonder no more.
Chawu (2009)
Best Dubbbing EVER
I watched the English translation of this Korean monster movie. The original movie is a silly throw-back (in the vein of Lake Placid) about a killer boar. But what's best about it is the absolutely hysterically awful English dubbing. It is easily some of the best bad acting I have ever enjoyed (including every Godzilla movie ever). It must truly be seen to be believed. The film itself is actually a fairly amusing, purposely silly 'monster' movie. Someone else on here said that this movie feels like something David Lynch might have made if he ever made a creature feature... and they were completely right, with all of the bizarre seemingly nonsensical characters and offbeat dialog. But, at over 2 hours, runs way too long. Still, I recommend this film for any fan of strange movies or creature features. But do yourself a HUGE favor and watch the English-dubbed version over a subtitled one.
Monsters in the Woods (2012)
Previous Ratings Are Clearly From The Cast And Crew
This movie is so dull and boring that even The Asylum or Troma might be embarrassed to release it. The plot in a nutshell is : a bunch of wanna-be film-makers venture into the woods to make a bad horror movie and are set upon by the afore-mentioned and barely-seen rubber-masked assailants. The movie is horribly 'color-corrected' into green-tinted nonsense. The 'FX' are not bad enough to be laughable or good enough to impress anyone. There is virtually no gore or even any nudity of note, but they DO toss in an impressive amount of 'Wilhelm Screams' and Commodore Amiga-caliber gunshots. O and there's a cave that looks like a menstruating vagina.
Orcs! (2011)
Fun Little Moron Movie
Obviously, this isn't better than the The Lord Of The Rings trilogy as someone else suggested (I wish IMDb could stop cast and crew from posting glowing reviews of their own movies). What it is, is a fun, cheap, cheesy little exploitation flick. It's done for laughs and really is kind of funny. The plot in a sentence : 2 bumbling idiot park rangers square off against guys wearing armor that looks a lot like what the orcs wore in Lord of the Rings. The armor is, of course, to avoid having to have any special effects make-up most of the time. They apparently claim the movie cost 3 million to make. But, if it did, someone stole at least 2 million. It's not great. But it's not awful.
YellowBrickRoad (2010)
A Great Concept Goes To Waste
When I heard the premise of this film, (a bunch of people follow a trail into the hills of New Hampshire where, 70 years before, an entire town trekked, never to be seen again) I was excited to watch. The set-up is okay. The acting it adequate. The direction is fine. The scenery (what of it that isn't muddy and colorless from color 'correction') is pretty. But the story. O dear, the story. The entire movie is a series of decent ideas presented, and never explained. Why did they trek the trail 70 years ago? Why is there music? Why is there suddenly ear-shattering noise? Why does everyone go crazy? Why don't the compasses work? How can a man rip off the leg of a full-grown woman with his bare hands? Ask all you want. You won't find answers here. This movie is a mess pretending to be clever, hoping YOU will fill in it's blanks. Most of it is all whispers and mumbles, until you're ears get shattered by cheap sound-scare attempts. I'd say pass on this one unless you need a good way to fall asleep... and then jarred awake. Repeatedly.
Cutting Moments (1996)
No-Budget HG Lewis wanna-be baby vomit
This incredibly over-rated film gained notoriety due to it's awful HG Lewis-caliber effects. What it rots down to is someone who commits self-mutilation in some of the lamest effects seen since the late 60's. This film is so impossibly over-rated that I think every positive review it has comes from it's inept 'special' effect crew. The plot is non-existent, the gore is 60's caliber dime-store dummy material and the whole film is an exercise in tedium. Who knew that such a short film could be so boring and tedious, but these hacks provided compacted boredom. Even the sound is muted and boring. The colors pale and boring. The direction is meandering and boring. Even the hack actors seem bored by their source material. This is the most over-rated pile of garbage I may have ever seen, and I am a HUGE horror fan.