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Reviews
12 Rounds (2009)
Better Than It Should Be, but Weaker Than It Could Be
I think we can all agree that John Cena is not an actor, no matter how hard he tries. He's just the latest version of action stars like Steven Seagal, Jeff Speakman, Jason Statham et al.
As such, he manages to carry this Renny Harlin-helmed vehicle competently. However, his one-dimensional personality and some rather contrived plot twists mar what could (and should) have been a much better picture.
Briefly, Cena is Det. Danny Fisher. A year earlier, when he was still a beat cop for New Orleans, he stopped most wanted terrorist Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen) who had just stolen a million dollars in diamonds. During the arrest, however, Jackson's girlfriend tries to flee, steps in front of an SUV and, well, you can guess. Soon, Gillen is vowing revenge for Fisher murdering his girlfriend, who, by the way, had earlier murdered two other people in cold blood. But, Gillen is supposed to be a cold, calculating criminal so he needs motivation to go after Fisher.
Cut back to the present. Jackson has escaped prison (why, if he was a hotly wanted terrorist, he wasn't sent to Guantanamo Bay is never explained). In short order, he kidnaps Fisher's girlfriend Molly (Ashley Scott), blows up Fisher's house (with a poor plumber inside) and announces that Cena's character must complete 12 dangerous tasks or rounds in order to get Molly back alive.
In short order, Det. Fisher is racing around town trying to save passengers on a cable car, defuse bombs and complete other tasks before Jackson can kill Molly.
Unfortunately, the completion of the 12 rounds is pure stock action plotting. The taut timing and suspense give way to images of ticking clocks and Cena performing near impossible stunts. There is even some underhanded tricks by smarmy, arrogant federal agents who try to use Fisher to get Jackson even at the cost of innocent people's lives (can anyone say "Die Hard"?).
Along the way (SPOILER ALERT), Fisher's partner, Hank, gets blown up in one of Jackson's traps (a clear rip-off of "Blown Away" and "Speed").
SPOILER ALERT Eventually Cena gets the upper hand only to discover, thanks to one of the federal agents (Steve Harris), who "wises" up, that Jackson's 12 rounds are actually ploys to cover up another crime.
One of the rounds causes the death of a morbidly obese man named Willie. It turns out Willie is a security guard at the Federal Mint. Jackson takes Willie's ID card, waltzes into the mint, fakes Willie's signature, murders every single guard in the FEDERAL mint and steals 100 million dollars! The race is then on for Fisher to not only save Molly but stop Jackson from taking enough cash to finance every terrorist group in the world. With the help of Molly, who can somehow fly a helicopter, he does just that.
In the end, Molly's life turns out to be worth the lives of scores of innocent people plus the $100 million burned up along with Jackson. You get the feeling she'd better discover cures for AIDS and cancer to justify it.
The script is by first-timer Daniel Kunka and one can sense elements of "Die Hard: With A Vengeance" and even Cena's earlier vehicle "The Marine" in the plot. And it can be surmised that this movie is a modern take on the 12 labors of Hercules.
However, the potential for excitement is undone by too-impossible-to-believe stunts and plot twists. The characters are never really developed, so we never really believe Molly and Danny are meant for each other. The plot has been done many times before and much better ("Dirty Harry" and the aforementioned "Die Hard: With A Vengeance").
Renny Harlin, whose star has diminished of late since "Deep Blue Sea" does a credible job handling the directing duties. However, he can't overcome the script or the need to make Cena into a modern-day Hercules, such as when Danny keeps up with Jackson's speeding car by running through alley ways, houses, yards, while climbing fences, just in time to unhook and push a boat in front of the fleeing vehicle.
Viewers might wish that Harlin had made major rewrites to the script, except, of course, this is the same man who made the wholly predictable and non-suspenseful "Deep Blue Sea." For die hard action fans who are used to incredible feats of strength and don't mind scenes that make no sense, this is a worthwhile way to spend about 110 minutes.
The rest of us should keep our fingers crossed for "The Expandables 2."
Blind Trust (2007)
Tense Thriller Let Down by Senseless and Convoluted Ending
A taut Canadian thriller with convincing performances by Jessica Capshaw (daughter of Kate) and first-time director Louis Bolduc. Insurance actuary Cassie Stewart is found bleeding in a hallway. Upstairs, in her apartment, her roommate Diane Summers and her old beau Bobby Rose lie shot to death. An ambitious D.A. puts Cassie on trial for first-degree murder and asks for the death penalty.
So begins a taut thriller that, unfortunately, unravels at the end. Her case is taken up pro bono by famed defense attorney L.G. Mennick and it looks like a slam dunk until mysterious evidence appears, forcing Cassie to go on the run, using her actuary skills to find the real killer.
Capshaw is a much better actress than her mother, but she seems to only know one or two facial expressions. Art Hindle as Mennick is superb. The rest of the cast is serviceable at best.
Bolduc keeps the suspense going, even with the tried-and-true "Day of the Jackal" close call with Cassie in a cafeteria a few feet from cops scouring the city for her.
Where the movie fails is the ending.
***** SPOILER ALERT ****** Cassie learns that Mennick is the actual killer. He took her case so he could see what the D.A. had on him and to, of course, ensure someone else paid for his crimes. Cassie learns this and, in an act that defies explanation, calls detectives to let them know she's going to confront Mennick about it.
She gets him to confess everything, but she records none of it. She is then led into a limo with some of Mennick's henchmen, who then pick up Mennick's assistant. Both the assistant Jerry and Cassie are going to be killed.
A police chase ensues, some unnecessary tension is added, Jerry is shot and Cassie comes this close to getting her head blown off. Of course, the hunky detective (Chad Willett) saves the day. Jerry dies anyway.
The D.A. puts Mennick on trial. His key evidence is a drawing of a necklace Mennick personally designs for Diane when she was his stenographer and, later, mistress. The original lacked his fingerprints, but Cassie tricked him into putting his prints on it during the meeting.
Thus, no evidence exists to put Mennick at the scene of the murders. The fingerprint evidence is so flimsy an amateur lawyer could have it dismissed. None of Cassie's conversation with Mennick is recorded as evidence. She was put in harm's way for no reason whatsoever and poor old innocent Jerry was murdered in front of her.
Despite all this, Cassie smiles when she sees Mennick taken away. Never mind that she got an innocent man killed, almost got the detectives killed and barely avoided getting herself killed.
Even more mysterious is why Mennick's henchmen try to kill Cassie when they know the cops know they have her.
But, that's the convoluted ending that does in every good thing this movie set in motion.
Mega Piranha (2010)
Mega Stinker; Tiffany loses out to Debbie Gibson once again
In the 1980s, Tiffany battled Debbie Gibson on the pop charts and lost. Now, in 2009-10, she's battling Debbie once again to see who can act the worst. Well, guess what? Tiffany won this time.
She is just awful in this movie. Debbie wasn't much better in "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus," but she was at least much better to look at. She looked like a MILF, not a soccer mom.
Anyway, "Mega Piranha" is the story of scientists once again doing something in which they mean well, but end up killing hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people. Of course, the scientists help save the day, so everything is automatically forgiven.
The basic story is that a scientist named Sarah Monroe (Tiffany) is in Venezuela trying to create a way to increase fish size to stop starvation. Her program, funded by the United Nations, includes creating giant piranha that are hermaphroditic (have male and female sex organs) and can breed every six hours because, you know, piranha are a common food fish (and they don't have a huge political lobby like salmon and cod).
Somehow, the piranha, which have a huge mean streak in them, escape and begin slaughtering boaters, swimmers and fisherman along the Orinoco River. They get bigger, defying efforts by the Venezuelan military to kill them.
An American agent named Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) is sent down to Venezuela to dive the Orinoco and find out why a U.S. senator's boat went down in the river. We don't really get what Fitch is -- agent or Marine or Army -- but he is a colonel, though he has SEAL training.
What follows is Fitch and Sarah, along with a couple of other scientists, battling maniacal Venezuelan military commanders to try to stop the fish. The worst of the lot is Col. Diaz (David Labiosa), who arrests Sarah and then, when she is rescued by Fitch, tries to shoot them all down with his helicopter.
It seems Sarah was much too efficient in her work. Her piranha can survive direct hits by navy shells, can live in salt water, can swim through a 40-megaton nuclear blast and are impervious to every weapon on earth, save one -- I won't spoil what it is, just in case you actually can make it to the end of this awful tripe.
As usual with these "original" movies on SyFy, the CGI is awful. The helicopter battle looks like an old video game. The fish look cool, but the way they act isn't even close to being convincing. They leap onto land and explode when they hit buildings. They leap ashore and kill people hundreds of yards inland and somehow get back into the water. Even "Piranha II: the Spawning" had to give the fish wings to explain that feat.
Leaving the CGI aside, the rest of the movie is really what kills. The acting is awful. Paul Logan is stiff. Labiosa really overdoes it, beyond even Gary Busey-level mania. Tiffany is embarrassing. Any aspiring actress could have done her role. Only Barry Williams (yes, "Greg Brady") as a government official who isn't asinine or a sycophantic coward saves the day.
The plot is ludicrous. Why would a scientist trying to increase the food supply create a race of murderous fish? But, that's not the worst of it. The worst is that the movie is set in Venezuela. Barry Williams spends his time on screen trying to keep relations with Venezuela cordial.
Excuse me, but isn't Hugo Chavez president of Venezuela? Didn't he insult Pres. Bush at every turn? Isn't he vehemently anti-American? Didn't he just buy billions of dollars worth of Russian weapons, to protect against an American "invasion"?
Why set a movie in a "friendly" country that is America's enemy? Why would Venezuela allow American scientists into the country? The rest of the movie is as bad. Speaking from experience, I have been an extra on several film and movie sets and I can say that the extras in this movie really suck.
Other problems:
1) The maniacal Col. Diaz flies a short-range helo from Venezuela to the Florida Keys to finish his fight with Fitch. Yeah, right.
2) An American cruiser attacks the fish at the mouth of the Orinoco. The cruiser has triple turrets, reminiscent of the battle cruisers that were scrapped decades ago. It also has depth charges (which we got rid of decades ago) and, from a distance, looks like an LPD (amphibious landing ship, dock).
3) Apparently, nuclear submarines have female sailors (the Chief of Naval Operations just allowed that two weeks ago and it won't happen for months yet).
4) Sucking on a battery can give an extra 10 seconds of life. Also, oxygen can fuel a helicopter. Both of these "MacGyver"-type facts are supplied by biologist Sarah Monroe because, well, those are the kinds of things that biologists go to college for.
5) The Navy apparently has a rifle that can shoot up to 600 feet underwater and can shoot through submarine hulls.
6) Also, anytime giant piranha get into a feeding frenzy, they kill each other off, even though, in real life, animals in feeding frenzies usually just kill a few of their fellow predators.
7) If you're American and you create monsters that kill thousands of innocent people, you are immune from prosecution and civil lawsuits. You may even get hugs from federal agents.
In a nutshell, this movie is horrible, even for SyFy. Watch it if you want to see what Barry Williams has been up to since he filed for divorce or whatever happened to Tiffany after she lost the teen pop queen title to Debbie Gibson, but just prepare to moan, groan and roll your eyes in exasperation.