John_Mclaren Reviews

No One Will Notice You're Naked (1971)

Neither funny nor naughty

[3/10 · 4 April 2013]

One of those 1970s Italian sex comedies that is sadly neither erotic nor funny. An Italian businessman, Lando Buzzanca, travels to Copenhagen and falls in love with a cute blonde who happens to work in blue movies. He doesn't know this and after various disasters with Danish local women, ends up marrying her. Escapades ensue.

If you are watching for the nudity, then there is a smattering of topless stuff, but that is all. The comedic quality is stilted and predictable. The plot promises much- but simply fails to deliver.

Whilst the film's rescue by RetroMedia from obscurity is to be applauded, this scarcely qualifies as a hidden gem ....

Monika und die Sechzehnjährigen (1975)

Soggy soft core

[3/10 · 20 August 2009]

OK. Here's the deal. You put a bunch of great looking German fraulein into an institution (school, university etc- preferably in the country), adopt a crummie plot line and give them pointless things to do. Then add a dose of unfunny Teutonic humour. We then all agree to go and watch it because the aforesaid shapely gals all get nekkid during the film in unrealistic but cute scenarios.

That's what is supposed to happen. Sadly in Monika, a 1974 Charly Steinberger production, the crummie plot line and dodgy humour exist without the compensating nudity. Sure there is some T&A, but not much (and no real FFN for example). What the point of the whole thing is, I dunno. The gals run around a lot. They all seemed happy at the end.

Have to say I wasn't. How it made the "Erotic Classics" label with an 18 rating I have simply no idea....

Kûga no shiro: Joshû 1316 (2004 Video)

Death Row Viewiing

[4/10 · 27 July 2009]

This WIP flick is an odd one. The marketing and title would make you believe that this is a Jess Franco meets Pink Cinema type of exploitation flick.

Sadly that it ain't. Yes there is some nudity (mainly in one shower scene), but otherwise this is very tame (the gals sleep in their clothes for goodness sake)- and the violence is pretty limp. Indeed it seems to be hinting at a rehabilitationary theme with our not-so-intimidating-but-would-like-to-be-so chief warden.

I really don't know what market this is aimed at. Production values aren't bad, and the inmates are pretty cute- but then it simply fails to deliver after teeing all of this up. Maybe I missed the point. Maybe I've been watching too much Franco ....

Zwei Rebläuse auf dem Weg zur Loreley (1974)

Carry on Up the Rhineland

[7/10 · 22 February 2009]

Classic 1974 German softcore, with our two "heros" travelling up the Rhine and managing to convince innocent German fraulein to disrobe at the drop of a toothy grin.

Sure, we have seen it all before (indeed it had a regular run on German TV's SAT1). The two main male characters are a Bavarian Abbott and Costello, whose antics we wouldn't bother watching were it not for the women whom they inexplicably seem able to attract. Sure some of them are a bit big in the Bumdestag, but what you see is all real.

With plenty of FFN and some gorgeous shots of the Rhine Valley, it is the perfect setting for a harmless bit of erotica. Sure, it's no more than the standard fare, but that is kinda why we watch this stuff.

Girls (1980)

So much promised but so little achieved

[2/10 · 19 February 2009]

What with a title like "Girls", the involvement of director Just Jaeckin and the presence of a youthful Anne Parillaud, this should be a softcore dream. The Jaeckin name is usually enough to get me to view any piece of celluloid given that the "Story of O" is possibly the most erotic softcore film ever made.

Sadly this is no return to those sultry heights. It is a story of a group of teenage French madamoiselles who find boys both interesting and irritating. They play occasional and silly practical jokes and get chased by a few older pervy men. They ride around in an assortment of cars and bikes. They plead innocence to parents. Etc etc ...

Although released on DVD in 2009 under the German "Erotik Classics" label, it is neither. Why it is classified as an "FSK 18" I have no idea at all. It just about rates above PG. There is occasional topless nudity but that it is it. Anne Parillaud looks gorgeous, but we don't get to see enough of her. If that is enough for you, then great. Frankly though, I just wouldn't bother.

Die neuen Abenteuer des Sanitätsgefreiten Neumann (1978)

The Worst Seventies Softcore Film Ever?

[1/10 · 4 February 2009]

I love German seventies softcore. Mufftastic real women, lots of innocent fun and plenty of Bavarian stereotypes to boot. However this stinker must surely rank as one of the worst examples of the genre.

Peter Steiner leads a group of hapless Nazi recruits in some form of rural training camp (a couple of farm buildings). The first 25 minutes has various shenanigans occasionally involving one chubby local fraulein. 2 other skanky maidens turn up a bit later (OK one ranks above skanky)and entertain the recruits (not us). Then the whole thing ends after 69 minutes.

Tedious and terrible. Was it the Nazi setting that made them determined to make this unfunny and unerotic? Dunno. Anyway my firm recommendation is don't buy it, don't rent it and don't watch it.

Laß jucken Kumpel 2. Teil: Das Bullenkloster (1973)

An everyday story of Ruhr Volk

[6/10 · 2 February 2009]

W. German seventies softcore tried all sorts of scenic landscapes to keep the genre fresh, and in this little outing they tell a tale of the horny handed menschen of the Ruhr valley and their lusting for the local frauleins. All the men are coal-miners and all the women are willing. But in this stuff, they always are- ready to strip for action at the flicker of a moustache.

Anyway, the Ruhr valley is not quite the Alps, and gives it a bit of a dull backdrop (sun and mountains don't half beat slag heaps and rain...). That said, the women are all natural and deliciously mufftastic, and at least the director had the basic understanding that softcore works best when it is not all bump and grind.

So plenty to feast your eyes on, plenty of FFN, not much plot but a reasonable example of a well-worn oeuvre...

Swedish Nympho Slaves (1976)

Slave to Franco

[6/10 · 30 January 2009]

We all the know the Jess Franco template for this mid-period run of his films: plenty of nudity, over use of Lina Romay (who must always be nude), re-used vaguely tropical sets and an element of blatant sexploitation.

Well Die Sklavinnen fits all those requirements. If you think you have seen the film before, then you probably have. We have seen it all (with the same cast) in Ilsa the Wicked Warden, Women in Prison or Barbed Wire Dolls.

There is in fact only one slave, Martine Stedl, who is taken hostage and sexed and drugged up by Romay. Drama is provided by her implausibly fat father who apparently wants her back. Romay is the baddie and gets tortured a little, but it is all pretty tame. Reasonable amount of FFN, but we wouldn't like it any other way.

So, one of the lesser Franco outings. Don't expect wall to wall confinement or an outbreak of mass slavery. But hey, I still don't get bored of these early films, so who cares?

A Very Special Woman (1979)

Despite title, not a particularly special film

[5/10 · 30 January 2009]

Karin Schubert and Jean-Marie Pallardy star in this rather bland piece of late 1970s exploitation. It is one of those softcore flicks that gets re-circulated under different titles, in Germany going by the name of "Aus liebe weg vom Stoff" and most recently (courtesy of Audi Film) "Liebesrausch".

It tells the tale of Yasmine (Schubert) who is the eponymous heroine (and heroin addict) who is pursued by a bunch of not very serious seeming hoods to somewhere in Greece. She finds love and tries to get off the skunk.

It is a standard piece of Eurotica. Schubert looks good and is naked in Pallardy's clinch for several scenes of the flick. Most of these scenes are rolling beaches/water exercises which we have seen before. There is too little of the other women in the film as almost all of it is a platform for Schubert (which is not necessarily a bad thing).

The best scene remains when one of the hoods grabs the unmatchable Brigitte Lahaie (woefully under-utilised here) and her naked friend by the hair. Sadly we don't see anything of them after this which is a real downer.

So a mid-range effort that you wont regret seeing- but which I wouldn't go out of my way to secure.

Caged Women (1980)

Magnificent addition ot the genre

[9/10 · 17 December 2008]

Clearly in the top 3 of all WIP flicks, my main addiction to this 80 minutes of celluoid is born of seeing Brigitte Lahaie and a bevy of other beauties parading around naked in bright daylight. "Gefangene Frauen" (Caged Women) is one of Dietrich's finest softcore achievements. He has taken the WIP genre and added a twist of his own.

The girls are kidnapped from a brothel and taken to an island prison. There they undertake a modest degree of insubordinate behaviour which triggers obligatory punishment. This consists of having to strip and walk around naked in the prison for the rest of the film. And what can you say against that? What with nude wrestling, nude whipping and a nude escape project, it's all a go-go.

Sure the acting is weak and the plot rattles, but that is not what we are here for. It delivers what it says on the tin. Big time.

Long Live Women! (1984)

The French have a way of doing it ....

[5/10 · 17 December 2008]

Vive les Femmes can best be described as a French sex comedy- not unlike one of those rather dowdy Brit sex comedies of the 1970s in tone (although better made). It is more "Can you Keep it Up for Week" than Benny Hill or "Carry on Garcon".

The film is notable more for the considerable nudity than for the cracking humour. Various dodgy French blokes try to get their legs over on holiday- but thankfully we get to see their targets in the buff on several occasions. The French do incidental nudity so much better than Hollywood- probably because the women look real from the size of chests to the thickness of their thatch. Anyway- they are uber-cute (or at least Catherine Leprince is).

For that reason alone this movie is worth seeing- if you want belly laughs I'd probably stick with Woody Allen.

L'insegnante balla... con tutta la classe (1979)

Gymnastic teen "comedy"

[3/10 · 7 February 2008]

Nadia Cassini's early films marked her out as a woman of great beauty and sophistication- Il Dio Serpente was an erotic masterpiece. Sadly this didn't last and by 1978 she was on the slide and consigned to doing these Italian "erotic comedies".

Done also by Fenech and Guida with the same plot style, this is no better. Set in the obligatory teen secondary school, Cassini is cast as Claudia, the gym mistress. Cue a suitable excuse to show off her fine physique in tights trying to teach pupils and staff how to dance.

The main problem is that we see too little of Miss Cassini (only briefly showing us some of what she is made of in the sauna) and the nudity as a whole is very tame indeed. And is it funny? Well I'm not Italian, so I guess I just didn't get it ....

Knight of the Peeper (2006 Video)

Weird mixture of homecam and exploitation

[6/10 · 7 February 2008]

OK. This flick divides folk. Most of the external reviews slam it as a pathetic piece of homecam produced in the director's garage (except for SexGoreMutants, which loved it). The reviewers on this site seem to have self-interested approaches which require no further comment.

Anyway, the reality is this. The production values are low to zero. The acting is little more than am-dram. The "knight" is a bloke in a party suit. Most of the "plot" is risible.

And yet .. and yet.... I quite liked it. It has a weird association with 1970s sexploitation (in fact verging on the roughie). The girls are cute and all provide FFN. Most of them even look real (and we get a proper bush on one of them- hurrah!) although there is still some mandatory silicon intrusion.

It may all be a load of boyish teenage fantasy stuff and you will either hate it or love it. It won't win any golden statuettes, but I guess the Academy is not its target audience. Providing you take it for the load of old tosh which it is, you might actually enjoy it.

Maidens of the Dormitory (1976)

Good 1970s sexploitation

[6/10 · 3 January 2008]

The title translates as "The Young Ladies of the Boarding School", and has recently been re-released in Germany in softcore (cert 14)format as "Strassenmadchen Report II". It has also been released uncut on X-Cult DVD as "Madchenpensionat".

The film has no connection with the original "Strassenmadchen" film, although the exploitationist tone is omnipresent.

The girls in question are forced into high class prostitution by a combination of tuition and compulsion. Most of the leading actresses give us FFN, although the extras were perhaps more attractive than the main stars.

The "14" version is not much different from the uncut version, save for a small addition to a branding scene. Nevertheless, I would go for the uncut version on principle grounds. It is classic 70s exploitation and all the better for that- even if in the end it is no more than a modest addition to the oeuvre ...

Hell Hole (1978)

A hellhole for those watching

[3/10 · 2 December 2007]

This yet another WIP Phillipino production (this time courtesy of Sr Santiago). Could stop there really.

This is no "Bare behind Bars" type of WIP. Yes, we have got all the usual sweaty white females in a foreign jungle, plus vicious warders trying to exploit the gals for sex and cash. But it is all a little bit tame really.

Mild torture and modest nudity, with most of the exploitation being in the tone rather than the form. You have seen it all before.

Don't confuse with the other hellhole movies, and (unless you are a completist) I really wouldn't bother.

Louisa, een woord van liefde (1972)

An everyday Belgian tale of troilism

[5/10 · 28 November 2007]

I know that people like to be rude about Belgium, but I gave this friendly little nation the benefit of the doubt when I bought this film. In the end it sadly suffered from an endemic Belgian problem- a lack of point and clearly defined focus. I wasn't really sure what to make of this movie at all- or what it was trying to say. It is trailed (if you believe the lively DVD cover) as a hedonistic splash of rebellion by an upper class Belgian girl against the stuffy confines of society before the Great War of 1914.

"Louisa, een woord van liefde" means "Louise - A Word of Love". The young Isabelle escapes from the orphanage and she adopted by two chaps on a caravan. They then meet by chance the posh family of Louise- who runs away with the three adventurers when confronted with the reality of having to marry a Belgian with a large moustache and a bald head. They find a dog. Later Louisa degenerates into a minor moment of sexual hedonism and multiplexing with the two chaps before they are all overwhelmed by the Armageddon that was WW1.

Willeke Ammelrooy is stunning as Louisa and we see her briefly naked (which is presumably why the DVD box has the illustration it has). However I just didn't care enough about any of the characters really to get into this film. Its protest against the repressive nature of pre-WW1 society misfired, particularly when one remembers that the conflict and loss of social structures led only to European fascism and communism.

If you like Belgian cinema, I'd stick to Tintin .....

L'etreinte (1969)

A Poor Man's "Histoire d'O"

[6/10 · 28 November 2007]

"The Embrace" is an interesting piece of late sixties soft erotica that never really fulfils its promise. Directed by Paul Collet, it has aspirations to fill the boots of the "History of O", but doesn't even get close to doing so.

Giselle is a beautiful but weak young girl who ends up working as a maid for Michel in Paris. He seeks to take the master and servant relationship to new heights of exploitation (and that not just by breaching the Working Time Directive). During this process Giselle finds herself trapped but mesmerized into this abusive relationship. She explores her sexuality with both him and with another woman.

It all sounds better than it is. It is simply not as edgy as Jaeckin's "History of O" nor that well shot or developed. At the end I just didn't find it sexy enough. Plenty of topless nudity and groping- but not sufficiently risqué to stir the senses.

Worth seeing- but just don't expect too much of it.

Passion Potion (1971)

Sexless Comedy

[1/10 · 16 August 2007]

The 1970s were a bad time for the British film industry (and for the country as a whole). This cinematic piece of drivel hardly helps.

Described as a "sex comedy" featuring Keith Barron and Kenneth Cope, its central premise is that women all over the southeast of England are going crazy for a scent (BK142)which our heroes have somehow produced. They should have stayed at British Leyland. This nuclear Chanel (or "Old Spice" given the date)causes our gals to rip their clothes off in an effort to get more of the lucky men- or at least strip to their underwear to do so.

And that is the real problem. It is a British sex comedy from the 1970s without any nudity or much sexual activity. Usually one expects to see famous British actresses in these efforts shedding all. Niet. Rien. Zilch. It's just boring.

It simply reminds everyone that the 1970s was a third rate decade with third rate ideas and often fourth rate cinema. We cant even console ourselves that at least they got naked doing so ...

Black Love (2007 Video)

I'd rather have a cup of tea

[1/10 · 14 August 2007]

A curious name for a film, but this is not the 1973 softcore film of the same name (nor a re-make), but is a 2005 black American soap opera set in Los Angeles produced by Dale Stelly.

This low budget effort has everyone keeping their clothes on, bad acting and largely takes place in a hair salon or on a sofa. You can even see the mike in a couple of scenes.

Everyone wants to talk about relationships in a really "serious" way, but I just couldn't get engaged in the whole effort.

I kept asking myself "why"? Everyone is portrayed as pretty decent, but this is the cinematic equivalent of a public housing project. The men are overweight and the women attractive but implausible. Unless you are desperate, I would give this a big miss.

The Notorious Daughter of Fanny Hill (1966)

Not Notorious Enough

[3/10 · 12 March 2007]

Lord- where do we begin? A Hollywood "B" movie with softcore pretensions tries to take on the English aristocratic tradition- and the result is a cinematic road accident.

Why do Americans trying to emulate that the English upper classes sound so kitsch? The general effect is listening to a violin with a broken string playing to an empty auditorium. Let the Brits do the Brits- please! Anyway, this appalling little number fails on almost every level. There is certainly no class, no acting of any description- nor sufficient nudity or naughtiness to make this worthwhile. There was a modest budget for which we are all grateful.

So I can't recommend this film on any level. Do not confuse it with the racier other "Fanny Hill" outpourings which came out over the following 20 years. This is just dull. Even for 1966.

Ein lasterhafter Sommer (1982)

Dreary Marbella jaunt

[2/10 · 12 February 2007]

This is basically a softcore porn film which lies on the cusp of hardcore. Its dull for most of us who like a bit of style with our sensuality.

At least Gerard Loubeau spent a little dosh on the Marbella location which lifts a film that is otherwise devoid of anything at all. Plenty of jolly locations, sea and swimming pools etc.

There is no plot to speak of, and the guys and gals indulge in various humping activities whenever they can get it. They are by and large not unattractive although the director seems keen on his shaven havens. There is little eroticism and the whole affair is basically mechanical.

If you get the version "Die Heisse Liebe eines Sommers" on Erotic Classics, do be warned that the DVD transfer is dire and impossible to view in the darker sequences.

Tant pis.

The Pussycat Syndrome (1983)

Softcore Snoozefest

[2/10 · 14 January 2007]

Sun, sea and bonking coupled with copious (indeed continuous) nudity ought to be a recipe for cinematic success.

However this little number (also called the "Pussycat Syndrome") is a failure, despite using some gorgeous locations on the Greek islands.

Although the two leads, Jacqueline Marcan and Ajita Wilson, are naked for most of the time, the main problem is that neither of them is particularly attractive. Ms Marcan is a tad overweight and suffering from tan-lines (even though she never sunbathes with clothes on). Ms Wilson is....well....as we all know ... not exactly entirely female given that her operative history is one of the most famous in celluloid history.

There is no plot to speak of- only a succession of ill thought through hump scenes. And beyond our two heroines, there is little other exposure to get skin hounds excited. If you want an early 1980s moving Playboy, this might appeal to you. Otherwise I would skip it.

Six Swedish Girls in the Alps (1983)

Alpine snoozer

[2/10 · 17 December 2006]

"Six Swedes in the Alps" should be enough of a title to get the softcore aficionado into a lather. All those piercing blue skies, stunning mountain backdrops and a bevvy of blonde girlie full-drops....

But wait there. Sadly this is the last and the worst in the "Sechs Swedinnen" series. Despite what you might be led to believe, it does NOT star Brigitte Lahaie and the usual gang. Instead we are treated to a rather motley (and some might say manky) collection of eponymous heroines in various unexciting locations and poses.

There is no erotism at all in this film, and you can feel the twitch of the director's hand wanting to move to hardcore. The lousy and contrived scenes of our Swedish groupies are bizarrely cut with library footage of the Alps (often in different weather conditions). Frankly I would rather have stuck with the Alpine footage and got David Attenborough to narrate. It would have been more exciting than this turkey....

Carmen nue (1984)

Carmen err... topless

[5/10 · 18 October 2006]

The naked Carmen? Well although she is undoubtedly and regularly sans habillees in this film, the production is really "the topless Carmen". Certainly the camera appears to linger on her chest to the exclusion of much else.

Pamela Prati is sultry and sexy as the eponymous anti-heroine. She has marvellous breasts, but if you are looking for a full frontal nudie fest, then this is not going to be your thing. The production of Albert Lopez is sensual rather than sexy. It is assertively not a raincoat/grindhouse type of filmic exercise.

Not really sure which market this was aimed at either. The production values are not bad, but this is not really any more than a synopsis of Bizet's classic with some of the music sampled throughout. Not really arty, not really sexploitation- and why it rated "18" in Germany is lost on me altogether. If you want opera with nudity, I would try "Aria". If you want Bizet, then go for the more conventional approach.

L'ombre d'une chance (1974)

Like father like son

[7/10 · 21 August 2006]

Jean-Pierre Mocky plays Mathias, an anarchist who lives with his 27 year old son, Michel, in late 60s type communal weirdness. He behaves as a dissolute if strangely attractive old soak (and seems to do it for the younger gals as a consequence).

They each have girlfriends- Michel has the beautiful Odile (Marianne Eggerickx) and Mathias has the older but still raunchy Sandra (Jenny Arasse). South Bank oddballs come and go, doubtless discussing the latest plans for French appeasement of whoever the leading and latest anti-Western regime happens to be.

Eventually the inevitable happens and the younger Odile falls for the older Mathias. With tragic results.

Many of the usual Mocky traits are present. Most notable is the frank and comely nudity from the two leading actresses who do it in style. As a result the whole film has an erotic edge that makes it work as sensual cinema. An excellent introduction to Mocky.