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But every now and then there come movies that are just made to get butts in the seats, to empty wallets of money and empty minds of creativity and thought. These type of films I see as worse than those that I film under "Bad". These film I file in the garbage.
People are entitled to opinions, but when you are supported something that is purely and clearly trend and fad based you are admitting you don't have any opinion that is your own! There is a fine line between trends and fan-based, the trick is to go for the one that makes you think and always has you asking questions.
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Silver Bullet (1985)
"Silver Bullet" Is Pure Bronze
I always enjoy werewolf movies. It's not just a horror movie, it's also a mystery at times. Who is the murderer/werewolf? Watch for the gore and creature effects, stay for the mystery and the twists.This movie however doesn't provide much of either.
A small town finds itself being terrorized by a crazed killer, which we see is poorly crafted werewolf. As the string of murders gets longer, the town retaliates and attempt to hunt down the murderer with no success, big surprise. It is up to our rag-tag heroes to find the monster and put an end to it's reign of terror.
Narrated by Tovah Feldshuh, playing as the older female lead, Jane, recalls the events. You practically forget she's telling the story, only voicing her opinion maybe four times, making her seem quite unneeded. Her brother Marty, a paraplegic with a pretty cool chair, is our hero throughout the movie. He is teamed up with his sister and their drunken uncle played by Gary Busey, who is one of the more favorable characters and always has a fun quote.
The deaths can get a bit gory and a little out of the way of a savage beast. About less than a minute worth of footage of the werewolf transformation is pretty decent. The overall costume is not, looking like a bear at times. As for who the werewolf is it is practically shouted out, making every attempt to keep you guessing pointless.
The thing about werewolf movies is that is usually a good reason for the intent, some way of sympathizing with monster. With this one we are given a hypocritical reason. Their religious faith. It's a first to hear about a zealous werewolf. Hint: it's the priest Lowe with the guilty look. All subtlety is through out the window in the third act, overselling the werewolf's evil intent by giving him an eye-patch and a unshaved beard.
I like to think that Stephan King's book was better than this adaptation, though it had some redeeming qualities, it wasn't enough to keep it afloat for too long. Overall it can be fun to watch and riff but not something you'd add to you collection.
Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)
The last nail in the coffin for ROTLD series...
This is a truly hateful movie, towards fans of the series and zombie fans in general. The ROTLD movies have often pride themselves on being the "true" story of Romero's NightOTLD and have been usually fun to watch for the humor and effects. This one has neither, nor anything that truly ties it together with the past sequels. The only thing this movie is full of is stupidity; pure, undiluted stupidity.
Having found one of the familiar 'zombie' tanks, that just happen to be lying around, a group of college students take it to their campus labs in hopes of understanding what it is...so they use it in making a drug called "Z"(...Ha...ha...). What follows is menagerie of plot holes and thoughtless actions, which are the only way the plot, which is deader than any of the 'zombies' in the film, is able to move along.
As for the reason I mention 'zombies' is because unlike the previous movies, these 'zombies' CAN die from head-shots, or even getting their ears punctured. They smell when they turn, pretty much instantly, even though they aren't really rotting or can sweat. We also have 'zombie' rats that can't tell a real brain from plastic one on an anatomy figure. Then we have a line of up people just meant to be eaten; not batting an eye the panicking people, hear or see the 'zombies' coming, or able to even fight back, to help spread the plague.
As for the 'zombie' drug, it has a random release time depending on weight, age, and other factors of the buyer, which we learn about a quarter into the third act. So even though the drug has been in circulation for maybe week, and consumed countless times by annoying DJ and the dealer, we don't get any 'zombies' until near the end of the second act. Which also gives us time for a bunch of time with the truly despicable characters of the film.
There is not even a single thing laughable in this movie. It tries to be funny, thinking that oblivious characters or ironic T-shirts are humorous, but ultimately falls short of the punchline with both ankles snapped off. It does manage a statically impossibility ability to not make you laugh at the sheer stupidity of anything.
If you are a fan of zombie movies, never watch this one. It's not even 'so bad it's good', more like 'so bad you will be buying a new TV because you'll have put your fist through the screen'. If you find a copy, I implore you to burn it to ashes, never spend a dime on it, rented or otherwise.
Die unendliche Geschichte III: Rettung aus Phantasien (1994)
Watch Nostalgia Critic Review Instead!!!!
This is the worst sequel ever to escape from the bowels of Hell! It is filled with plot holes, poor writing, and complete horrible character alterations.
If you are thinking that this piece of non-biodegradable s@#$ will have the same essence as the other two films, it does not!
Even the characters are completely different, as if the film makers just read notes about the previous movies and threw in their versions.
My suggestion: Save your time and money and never watch this movie! If you are curious about it, just watch the Nostalgia Critic's review on the film. It's shorter, funnier, and less painful.
Blood Creek (2006)
Put Down The Icepick...
There are low budget movies that are great, there are ones that are good, and there are those that are awful. This movie plummets into the dark, festering puss of 'cinema'.
I would like to warn you their might be some spoilers, but for a movie this horrible and clique you probably already know how things go...
There was nothing really 'original and creepy' about this film, despite what I read on the Flash advertisement online. This movie was built upon childish writing, bullying and condensation of others, and lack of formula film making. Occasionally it reminds us it is a horror movie by adding some spooky music and dead people vanishing, but it is as close to horror as a child's scary prank. At points when someone should meet their fate they appear fine and none the wiser.
How this characters are friends is beyond belief. The girlfriends clearly have no true feminine sense for staying with such immature, testosterone imbalanced boys. The 'macho' male seems to only have one voice tone and lives for condescending everyone around him and never moves his hair from his face. The 'jock' should have been killed off the moment he walked on set for the first time. The 'funny man' tries way too hard to be funny and uses his recorder so much you wish for it to be shoved down his throat. After the first 20 min, if you can stand it that long(but I'm dedicated and sat through the whole thing), you'll wish to stab all of the characters in face with an icepick(thus the title of the review).
Human logic seems to be a failing factor as well. Characters can't jump down from 6ft up, unable to tell a mouse from a raccoon, can't light a candle when a lighter is lit(which was pointless when a lit lantern was at their feet).
As a mark or true idiocy and lack of professionalism, there is too much light where there shouldn't be light, the camera shakes too much, shots jump from one another as if there is poor video buffing. There is also a lack of knowledge of human anatomy with the baby skeleton looking like a mud doll.
This movie threw out everything that could have been half good and somehow stretched it to an hour and a half. When it came to wrapping things up, it fell flat on it's face with both knees shattered, killing people too little too late, especially the macho male lead(I personally wanted him to suffer more)...To sum up my banter of hatred, never watch this movie, never buy it, never rent it, never allow a friend to get it for you. If they do, hit them across the face with the DVD before burning it and throwing the blazing disc into the director's face. I couldn't even recommend this as a laugh, chuckle, giggle, or even a scoff; and I have seen "Manos: The Hands of Fate" but that was seen through the help of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even MST3K could summon the courage to see one frame of this pile of excrement...