derekjager Reviews

Cherokee Creek (2018)

Gets better as it progresses, but much too long

[3/10 · 29 December 2018]

Starts slow with a go nowhere "things not to do in the woods to attract Bigfoot" prologue. Then a bunch of pretty crass guy talk about women that is just tiresome. Then a kidnapping with a nice, surprise twist--but doesn't make sense since we see it occur and the kidnappers don't act like it was planned ahead of time. Once everyone is in the woods, for some reason, they start talking about Bigfoot. It's very much out of the blue, the shift in conversation. One guy is called out for being an atheist and that's another go nowhere character plot. However, the cast comes together nicely, there's some good comedy timing and dialogue so you genuinely like the guys. But the story seems to bog down with their interactions---where is this going? Strippers show up and there is some very explicit sex, full frontal male nudity, and some gory attacks by Bigfoot, but most you can barely see since it's shot at night. The to-be wife of one of the guys is a lot of fun in her clueless behavior, very John Waters. But the film is simply too long which often occurs when you write/direct/edit your own movies. You lose objective focus. Also, a VERY annoying start and finish to the film with the two kidnappers shouting at you, the viewer, aiming a gun at you, telling you to promote their film. Not at all funny and just sort of dumb. Again, kudos to a great cast but I wouldn't really recommend this film--a shortened version would make it so much better.

Bird Box (2018)

Sandra running around blindfold & tripping gets old fast

[2/10 · 21 December 2018]

At 2 hours, it's much too long and not much happens. No explanation of the creatures---no one even ASKS what is happening--and it just plods on on and.

Webcast (2018)

Much too long for its premise & too many "WTF???"

[4/10 · 15 December 2018]

This film starts okay but there are so many edit cuts that it's distracting. And found footage films need to WRITE DIALOGUE! Otherwise, all you have is people running around screaming "WTF??" over and over and over and over and over again. The edit cuts means a character flubbed a line, but so what? It's supposed to be raw footage. Instead, the constant blink cuts are annoying. The acting is fine but the middle of the film is really padding and kinda boring. And the ending is no surprise....but then there is a SECOND ending which is really dumb. Great talent behind this and they could have done so much better.

Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)

Cliche film of a not-very-interesting band

[4/10 · 1 November 2018]

Stop me if you've heard this before: Failing pub band loses its lead singer. New singer shows up, the band gets a record contract based on his front man persona, the get hits, he becomes a lonely alcoholic, leaves the band, fails in his solo career, comes back to the band. Yawn. Queen put out some great music but as a band, their story just isn't very interesting. Well-acted but kinda boring.

Camping (2018)

Really crappy writing---people don't speak like this

[4/10 · 22 October 2018]

Surprised at the writing and how the characters interact with one another. People simply don't talk this way to one another so it's not at all funny, just awkward. It's only 30 mins so will see if it gets any better.

Halloween (I) (2018)

Lacking in suspense, it's a boring retread we never needed

[3/10 · 20 October 2018]

It's rare to have a packed theater stand up and "boo!" the end of a film, but that was my audience reaction. There were zero scares, zero suspense and you could tell by the restless silence the audience was kind of bored. That sinking feeling you get 30 minutes into a film when you realize, "This isn't very good," is very present in Halloween 2018. The audience reaction confirmed what I was feeling. The filmmakers brought nothing--NOTHING--new to the franchise. It was cobbled together from H4 and H20. And the ending is terrible--no wonder they had t reshoot it since the original was even worse. But it's made a ton of money so expect a sequel soon. This wasn't needed and was pretty dull.

Paranormal Farm 2 Closer to the Truth (2018)

Didnt see #1, and waited for this to deliver

[5/10 · 6 October 2018]

It didn't. A GREAT cast and very few edits during the footage so it seemed "real" and it was also nice it was shot mainly in the daylight. But it was all talk, talk, talk with zero scares. And the last 5 minutes were the usual running with a camera while screaming/being chased. Expected more since so much was right--it just needed a story.

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel (2018)

Lacks the subtle scares and natural acting of the original

[3/10 · 26 September 2018]

My heart sank when I saw the trailer and heard the poor dialogue. The original had a great cast who delivered their lines in a natural fashion and seemed to really be friends/co-workers. I watched it many times and think it's terrific.

None of this really worked for me and I was bored about 30 minutes into it. And once they are in the hotel, you can't see much so when they run around screaming "WTF?" you have no idea what they are screaming about or running from.

If it's a trilogy, not sure why. When you explain too much, the fears tend to diminish and this film became a lot of talk, a lot of don't show, when it should really be show, don't tell. I sensed a lot of filler and then, no climax. And really, zero scares so jump cuts were added. If a third is made, I hope it mirrors the tone and acting of the first.

Before Someone Gets Hurt (2018)

"Billy?" "Where's Billy? "Billy!" "Billy?"

[5/10 · 23 July 2018]

This was a well-acted, well-directed film. It just needed a better, more engaging and compelling story. And a more creative one.

The scene with the ever-returning ball has become a cliche in horror films, showing up in A BLADE IN THE DARK, THE CHANGELING and THE SHINING. So, why do it here? And you can always tell when a film is lacking in scares when it does the "fake" scares, and this occurs two or three times. It's just done to keep the viewer awake because the screenwriter realizes the script is...kinda boring. Finally, the pacing and some of the reactions are way off. One character is murdered and there's not much of a reaction to their friend being killed. Then it happens again, and still, very little emotion is shown. And at the one hour mark, I realized I was kind of bored. But instead of ratcheting up the tension for a slam-bang finish, everything slows to a crawl. One couple even prepares to have sex! REALLY? By this point, I think three people have been killed, you can't get out of the house, so you start making out...and the film stalls.

There is some terrific talent here, I just wish they had been better served by the script. And when one person disappears--Billy!--all they do is ask, "Where's Billy?" "Have you seen Billy?" Not a lot of concern for the missing fellow. This would have been a much better film with an original story instead of rehashing what we've seen.

Ouija Seance: The Final Game (2018 TV Movie)

I sort of liked the trailer but the film didn't deliver

[3/10 · 22 July 2018]

I thought the acting was okay as was most of the dialogue. Those are key to a horror film. We know people are going to do stupid things but we don't want them to sound stupid. Unfortunately, after the plot was set up and they played with the Ouija board...nothing really happened. I was bored and thought the last 20 minutes might make for an exciting climax, but it, too, was pretty dull. So, I'd have to say skip this. I wasn't expecting much but it didn't deliver on my low expectations.

Nightworld: Door of Hell (2017)

Really liked it until I realized it was a remake of THE SENTINEL

[6/10 · 21 July 2018]

Nicely done film...but at the end you'll realize it's an unauthorized remake of THE SENTINEL. Watch and you'll see what I mine. Since a good film.

The Devil's Doorway (2018)

Great acting and setting, just lacks an original, compelling story

[4/10 · 18 July 2018]

The 1960s setting is great as is the acting. Unfortunately, they forgot to write an intelligent, compelling story. And so many loose ends. They start to investigate the "miracle" of blood tears flowing from Virgin Mary statues. Doesn't that sound creepy/disturbing? Why would the Catholic church consider that a miracle? They somehow jump to the conclusion that it means one of the women or a nun is pregnant. (?) That leads nowhere until one of the women says a pregnant women is locked in the basement. Of course, she's possessed so we're subjected to 15 minutes of her screaming and attacking people, a bed shakes, crosses turn upside down, she levitates, etc. I mean, really? Then they find--and film--a room filled with Satanic stuff. When they show the head nun the room moments later, all the Satanic stuff is gone. What's the point of that? And the priest don't even mention it again. Then it turns out the girl is a virgin what she's pregnant. And no one seems that stunned; even the Dr. is sort of, "Weird, huh?" They set up all these little scenes that go nowhere. Oh, and one priest hears children whispering to him, "We're going to kill you." Whispering kids are pretty non-scary to me, so this doesn't add any frights to the movie but of course, he has to race up and down the hallways to find the ghost kids. And while this is supposed to be found footage, there is a SOUNDTRACK for all the jump scares, along with scary music when they go to find the baby the girl gave birth too. And the end is a mess--I think the nuns are attacking the priests (you can't see a thing) and then the older priest is killed and then...film over. It's really a mess but again, such a great setting, well acted. Just lacks a great story.

Incident in a Ghostland (2018)

Another film in which women are beaten & tortured

[3/10 · 21 June 2018]

Not sure why they make these films any more or how anyone can say "this is great!" Part of the problem is that the two young women in the film are so helpless. If someone you love is being beaten or stabbed to death and you are in a kitchen--A KITCHEN!--and you don't make an effort to join in the fight to save your loved one? This happens over and over and over. Weapons are all around but whichever girl is not being beaten just sits there, weeping. It's all a bit of mess with attempts at withholding information and shifts in the timeline to keep us guessing, but there are no surprises, no suspense and even the half-dozen jump scares don't land at all.

Picnic at Hanging Rock (2018)

The picnic is all but forgotten in this misguided project

[2/10 · 22 May 2018]

People may not be aware that the novel PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK is very short, just over 200 pages. It works ideally as a 2-hour film but to stretch it out into 6-hours results in a heavily padded and downright dull miniseries. In the first hour, the girls disappear and the filmmakers bungle this key scene. There's no set- up, no sense of dread, so the main focus of the entire project falls flat. And that's in the first hour! For the rest of the miniseries, the characters involved seem more concerned about the girl's school than Hanging Rock. We see the local community searching for the girls, but at the same time, backstories of pretty much every character are introduced. Episodes 3 and 4 add zero to the narrative and you can see the filmmakers are desperate to keep us engaged with some poorly staged jump scares: an animal nailed to the wall! A pile of maggots at one character's feet! But why? No explanation. This is a much harsher PICNIC than Peter Weir's classic film of 1975. At times, the miniseries comes across as LA RESIDENCIA (THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMED), the 1970 shocker with Lili Palmer who stars as the headmistress of a nineteenth-century French boarding school for girls. Some girls are whipped, others are slapped...but it isn't until the 5th and 6th episodes that we're reminded girls went missing. Whatever happened to them? Parents come and remove their children from the school and there are more flashbacks and backstories. The women talk about being "free" but that's never explained either. The girls who vanish "take a vow"...to what end? Stretched to the breaking point to six hours, the miniseries tries to answer questions that are never asked and, worst of all, forgets that Hanging Rock is the center of the story, not the school house.

Truth or Dare (I) (2018)

Just okay but it'll keep you watching

[5/10 · 27 April 2018]

It's not a terrible film--it's well made and the acting is fine except the white guys are pretty bland. It did seem to go on a bit too long and unlike the kills in the final destination franchise, these are one and done, over quickly and not set up in a clever way at all. Fine as a rental but glad I didn't waste time/money on it in the theater.

The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018)

The last 15 minutes are just terrible (spoilers)

[3/10 · 24 April 2018]

No one knows why it took ten years--TEN YEARS!!--to write a sequel to THE STRANGERS and no one expected it to be this bad. The first hour is fine, more of the same. (SPOILERS) But when the brother has the gun aimed at one of the killers and doesn't pull the trigger? The girl who may have killed his mother? Just dumb. But, it gets worse. The last 15 minutes are just terrible. The police arrive and I swear the sister turns deaf, dumb and blind because she's babbling to the cop and RIGHT IN HER EYE LINE is one of the killers, about to kill the cop! It wasn't a shock cut, we all see the girl walk up behind him. Really stupid. Then, the sister blows up the truck with the last killer inside. IT EXPLODES. But he is able to drive the truck, swing an axe, chase her down? Yes, it shows his body blistered from the explosion. But it's just dumb. And not Jason or Michael dumb since they are a bit supernatural in their ability to never die no matter what. This was just a psycho human. Just a terrible ending. And then, the last shot she's in the hospital with her brother and there is a knock at the door. And? We're supposed to think MORE PSYCHOS are coming after her? You could tell the writers were out of ideas--and the film is only 80 minutes long! I'm glad the weak box office and this film killed the franchise.

It Stains the Sands Red (2016)

Too much film, not enough story, but I liked it

[6/10 · 22 April 2018]

Although it's only 92 minutes long, it's a LONG 92 minutes. For some reason, it just loses all momentum once she's walking through the desert with the zombie following her. These scenes go on and on and on and on. We get it. And her motivation to walk 30 miles to the airstrip I was never really clear on; the desire to reach her child would have been much more intense and added some needed suspense to the film. But I did enjoy her character arc and her relationship with the zombie. I just wish the filmmaker had settled on a tone since it skipped around from farce to drama to horror to slapstick comedy and never seemed to find its footing until the end. I recommended it but it could have used a little more story or a little more editing.

Invasion on Chestnut Ridge (2017)

Although zero evidence is provided, this is a terrific documentary

[8/10 · 4 April 2018]

At just sixty minutes, it gets a little thin toward the end but overall, I enjoyed this. It's basically people talking about their experiences with UFOs and strange phenomenon in their area. Much of it deals with 1973 when there was a huge amount of UFO and Big Foot sightings. The people are all well spoken and give concise, compelling detail about what they've seen. What's missing is any evidence. There are mysterious government agents who come and grab cameras from kids, stomp out footprints of Big Foot, and change newspaper reporting. But no proof that any of this occurred. Even events that happened as recently as 2015--some type of monster dog and a huge bird were seen--are only described. No one took a photo. There is no security camera footage or police reports of anything before cell phones. There's simply nothing except people telling their stories. There's no collaboration--no one is asked, "Did you tell your wife/husband/friend?" and then that person is interviewed. Nope. All we have is the one person (and I think in every case it's a man talking.) In 2015, four women see a monster dog in the woods in the daylight; they were preparing for a hike. Three women run back to the car, one woman stares at the creature until it retreats to the woods. Again, no one took a photo or video. The women aren't even interviewed--it's told by someone else (a man) who heard about what they witnessed. This is known as hearsay. The good thing is, the director/producers/writers don't overplay their hand. They just let the people speak, no one is hysterical. They are all telling stories that, for the most part, happened back in the early/mid 70s. I recommend it, just wish they had worked a little harder to make it believable. And I'm guessing there is no proof any of this ever happened or they would have shown it! So, enjoy it for what it is!

Terrifier (2016)

Like watching hide & seek for 90 mins; tedious & a bit dull

[4/10 · 1 April 2018]

This film really needed a PLOT. And characters, some people to root for. Instead, the poor pacing, lack of tension and suspense made for a kind of dull film experience. Yes, Art is a crazy, vicious clown killer. If that's all you want, then you'll see it here as he wounds, kills and dismembers people. The problem is, he will injure someone--a woman's ankle is almost torn out--and the next scene, she's running. People have their heads bashed in...and later, are able to get up and function. It really doesn't make a lot of sense and since Art seems to pop up in more places than possible, he's never really a surprise--he's overused. Clearly the director knew the story was thin, so every few minutes, Art pops up to attack someone. It really is disappointing since the short films showed some potential but when a whole film is given to Art, he's boring and predictable. I'm sure there will be another one--I hope the screenplay is given as much attention as the gore effects.

31 (2016)

A boring dud

[2/10 · 19 March 2018]

I watched this when it came out and found it too long and actually, kinda dull. Then I recently re-watched it and felt the same way. Since Zombie never "starts normal," all his characters are the most foul-mouthed, low-life people you'd ever meet. Then they meet others worse then them. The odd thing is the three characters dressed up in aristocratic clothes--they are never explained and their backstory would have been interesting to know. The killers are pretty dull--a Nazi little person, some chainsaw guys. I mean, nothing original and everyone pretty much leers at the camera. I think LORDS OF SALEM was his best felt--a great look to it, a somewhat original idea, but 31 is just a tired retread. Since his movies don't make any money at the box office, he crowdfunded this--and it didn't make any money, either. But he said that because he crowdfunded it, he could make the movie he wanted with no studio interference. Well, he did, and it's a dull mess.

Demon House (2019)

Since it's already been debunked, what are we left to see?

[1/10 · 19 March 2018]

Since this has already been debunked, I decided to watch and...wow, there's literally nothing to see. For no reason, someone says, "The house has 200 demons." We see zero evidence of this. Seriously. 200 DEMONS AND NONE SHOW UP? The always-weak EVP results in a voice saying "Hey." Seriously. "Hey." That's what a demon says, "Hey?" The old house is inspected and found to be filled with mold and other rotting chemical bases that yes, can make you hallucinate or feel sick or dizzy. We never learn if Zak cleans it out. One of Zak's friends texts him, saying, "I saw a huge demon in the house, be careful." We see...nothing. Zak says he sees a goat demon--in a dream, but he never shows up on camera. One of Zak's crew acts like an aggressive jerk at the the hotel where they are staying (not the house)...and later continues to LOOK like an idiot with 666 tats all over him. The reinactments are never proven to be true or accurate--the kid "walking up the wall" was being held by his mom the entire time, she held his hand. Why would people continue to stand by the stories that have all been debunked? We learn a film company paid the "witnesses" so they could make a movie, so of COURSE they are not going to deny what they made anything up. (And Zak tells us all of this on the film!) There was no "portal to hell" -- where did THAT come from? Candles are all over the house, a real fire hazzard. Is that just for the movie? Candles are under the stairs in the basement and they find kid's socks, press-on nails in the soil...and they assume it was a "ritual"? REALLY? Why? They just say this nonsense, then move on to other scene. The mother is given one or two exorcisms...but why? She said her kids were possessed, shouldn't THEY get the ritual? (The kids--and their stepmother--later deny ALL of this.) And if you're going to be exorcisised, you need the church to verify you're speaking in an unknown language, have knowledge beyond your understanding, evidence of paranormal activity....none of this is provided, we're just told, "The priest asked to perform an exorcism and the church said 'Sure!'" Yes, people get hurt afterward but there's little proof, just a list of events, and no connection the injuries would or wouldn't happen if they had come on contact with the house. During the filmming of the Exorcist and Omen, the publicists did the same thing--it's AMAZING how many bad things happen during the filming of a movie that you can blame on the devil. Worst of all, DEMON HOUSE has zero scares. Based on the timing of when the film was made, the whole thing was already debunked as Zak started filming so he had to say that if you visit the house, the evil will follow you since the house had no reputation before or after the "paid for a movie" family left. At least he didn't try to overdo it like the Amityville but it's just another faked haunted house and you'll see zero evidence of any demons

The Exorcist in the 21st Century (2012)

No evidence the main subject was possessed, why'd she seek exorcism?

[5/10 · 7 March 2018]

Odd little film. Before an exorcist will perform the rite, you have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and then there needs to be evidence you speak in a language not known to you, have supernatural wisdom about other people, have the ability to manipulate items around you/cause paranormal activity, etc. She had none of these abilities. The women in the crowd scene were all simply making noises and twisting about; that wasn't an exorcism either. So not sure what the point of the film was. The main exorcist never performed an exorcism on camera, just talked about those he had. Another claimed to have done at least 70,000 (!) but perhaps it was wrongly translated it meant 7000. The one priest who met with the couple never asked for proof as to her possession. All she did was moan a bit, say that she never forgave her father for not loving her. By the end of the film, she said she had hope she was nearing her "liberation" and if she was fully delivered, glory to God, and if not, glory to God. But we never understood what was troubling her, other than what she said. After about 30 minutes, this all became rather aimless and by the end, it simply ceased, with no one better or wiser.

Veronica (I) (2017)

Don't believe the hype; well-directed and acted, but no scares

[3/10 · 1 March 2018]

So I just watched VERONICA. All the way to the end. Didn't have to turn it off. It's subtitled, which I don't mind, if the story is exciting. Although it's well directed and acted, there's simply no compelling story here to be told, nothing we haven't seen before. For some reason--never explained--three girls decide to ditch going on the rooftop with the rest of the school to watch an eclipse, a big event--never explained what significance the eclipse has--to have a seance with an Ouija board. Yes, one girl actually brings a large, clunky Ouija board in her backpack to school. They girls go into a basement in the school, have their encounter. The usual happens. Candles blow out, the board breaks in two, the girls run away. After that, there are a lot of scenes of Veronica caring for her three siblings; her mother works a lot, her father is dead. Is Veronica having a breakdown over all the pressure or...is some evil spirit hanging around because the girls never said "goodbye" like you're supposed to when using an Ouija board? (Who makes up these rules by the way?) The last fifteen minutes stumble and collapse a bit since try though they might, Veronica and her siblings can't say goodbye to the spirit since another one was invited to the house! So, is it now two spirits? And is Veronica crazy, possessed by one of the spirits or two of them? By the time it was over, it really didn't matter. This was all addressed MUCH better in THE POSSESSION OF EMILY ROSE. VERONICA is supposedly based on the true story of Estefanía Gutiérrez Lázaro, but it plays very fast with the timeline, people involved and events that occurred. Regardless, this is NOT a scary movie--it's a well directed and acted one. It's like a Blumhouse light movie.

The Devil's Well (2018)

Have been looking forward to this but doesn't deliver...at all

[2/10 · 23 February 2018]

I read about this film back when it was called "The Unexplained Disappearance of Karla Marks." Now titled "The Devil's Well" it suffers from poor pacing, like of a developed mythology and a really horrendous ending.

The opening is people talking about what happened to Karla and most of the characters are trying to push a spooky, paranormal explanation, but since we have no idea of the circumstances surrounding her vanishing, it sounds more like the actors pushing the idea, not the plot itself. And it goes on much too long, so there's no tension.

Then it jumps a year later and a paranormal group is going to investigate what happened. Now, that fine--but again, all we know from the police, news reports, etc. is that she disappeared. An unsolved crime, but they keep blaming the spooks. Where the film falls apart is they spend so little time on the mythology. Supposedly there's a well in a cellar of a home built in the 1700s. A young girl jumped to her death in the well. Okay. And? And? That's about it. It's not like it happened every 50 years or so. Just once. Yet someone, it's called the devil's well and the property (an old text tile mill) is haunted. Really? Based on that? When the camera crew visits the town, they talk to residents a la BLAIR WITCH. But while BLAIR used these interviews to expand on the mythology, these interviews lead no where. "Don't go there--it's an unholy place!" "My friend felt sick to his stomach but when he went outside, he felt better." That's about all we get.

The rest of the film is found footage based on their investigation. There is an eerie soundtrack added to the footage, which is really annoying unless the music was playing during the investigation. The acting throughout is okay, but really, the film is terribly padded. There are a couple, "OMG! Did you see that?" but even though they say they caught on camera other people in the building, we're never shown anything. The actors just wander in the darkness, chatting with one another so we get their backstories. But we don't care.

And then (SPOILERS) Karla shows up at the well, dazed and confused. Then some thugs show up wearing silly "scary" masks (just for us, the audience) and kill everyone. Then Karla and the thugs all hold hands around the well, ready to serve him. Hmmm. Really? Why'd the little girl jump in the well back in the 1700s? She was never found again so if Karla is like the little girl, why is Karla found again and now part of the group of well wishers? None of this makes sense, the film is not at all scary, and it makes you wonder why they didn't bother to tie in the mythology with the disappearance of Karla. Skip it.

The Ritual (I) (2017)

Great first hour, but the last 30 mins are so disappointing

[5/10 · 7 February 2018]

I love these "scary woods" stories and if you haven't seen YELLOW BRICK ROAD, check it out.

The first hour of THE RITUAL is excellent--great acting, dialogue, music and an unsettling mood is quickly established. But once we only have two remaining men...the climax slows to a crawl when it should speed up. What happened to all that scary tension we had built up?

While wisely holding back showing too much or telling too much for the first hour, the final 30 minutes reveal it's all THE HILLS HAVE EYES visit THE WICKER MAN and the film collapses. And, the biggest (?) mistake, they show the creature that the people worship. Not sure why--it's odd looking but not that terrifying and the final scene where the man is yelling at it, thrilled that he's escaped, doesn't work. And then? The screen goes black, credits roll. A real disappointment but the first hour is GREAT!