StephenReviews Reviews

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

A complete waste of time

[2/10 · 25 July 2010]

I was told by my friend that this film is hilarious and that I should definitely watch it. I honestly hope he was being sarcastic because "Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo" was extremely boring and was a pathetic attempt at humor.

Firstly, Rob Schneider is a terrible actor. The only thing he did throughout the entire film was look shocked. He was just there and didn't offer anything to the story other that being a character. This wouldn't be a big deal if the film wasn't named after him but, alas, it was.

The first twenty minutes felt very rushed. They just wanted to get him to the Netherlands and that was it. This isn't a big deal, it just really bugged me.

I knew the story was going to be predictable, but even every joke was incredibly predictable. I knew what the joke was minutes before they told it sometimes. Not only that, but every single joke is a sex joke. I guess I should have expected this, but I guess I was wrong to think that they might throw something in for someone with more than half a brain.

I was also sick of the fact that this film assumed all European people are sex-crazed. The naked weather woman? I don't think so. I know this was just a joke, but it's like if a European person made a film about America showing all Americans as fat and stupid morons (Oh that's right! Thanks Sacha Baron Cohen!)

Bad joke after bad joke, I couldn't even finish this movie. I got about an hour and ten minutes in, but that was it. I even had to force myself to get that far.

The only reason I'm giving "Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo" more than 1 star is because there are worse movies (e.g. Disaster Movie). If you consider yourself a smart person, don't waste your time with this.

Vampires Suck (2010)

I had the unfortunate pleasure if seeing this early...

[1/10 · 17 July 2010]

...thankfully for free. This movie is BAAAD! They even had the guts to show all the "highlights" (if there were any) in the trailer. Don't be fooled by the name, this is one of those "Movie" movies (Disaster Movie, Epic Movie)! They clearly changed the name because the series got a bad name from being name some of the worst movies of all time.

Now, on to the movie. I didn't laugh. There's no original story. There really is nothing more you can say about this. It's just bad. Really, really bad. There is no acting, they just said what they were told to say.

You honestly have to have to sense of humor of a 7 year old to find this rubbish funny. One other thing that really bugged me was the stock sound effects like the "Howie" scream and the Woman scream, both of which are burned into the brain of movie lovers and whenever one hears one, it feels like salt on an open wound.

Don't watch this movie. It's so, so bad. I'm honestly speechless that it's so popular at the moment. It's just so hard to describe how bad. Maybe if someone made you eat some really gone off eggs again and again, that might just come close to how bad this is.

Disaster Movie (2008)

The absolute worst abomination to ever exist.

[1/10 · 16 July 2010]

I am so glad I got a friend to play for my ticket. I honestly couldn't how sick I would feel even to this day if I paid to this movie. I tried to watch "Meet the Spartan" a year or so before this and I felt sick to the stomach after watching it, so I was expecting nothing from this.

The first scene had Amy Winehouse belching for about 2 minutes in the face of a character from 10,000 BC. I knew what I would expect from the rest of the film. What followed was reference after reference of things that were out a week before this film was made (because we all know no one can remember anything from over a month ago). I did not laugh once and I just had to leave the cinema 45 minutes in. Honestly, I would imagine a 5 year old writing better stuff. I'm speechless that it even got to DVD, let alone the cinema.

I know this has nothing to do with the movie, but two of my best friends actually liked this movie. I stopped being their friends instantly and I haven't talked to them since. THAT is how bad this movie is.