roberthaynes Reviews

Episode 50 (2011)

Okay "reality based" horror

[6/10 · 22 October 2011]

Although it never quite commits to the reality based horror format of say the FAR superior Grave Encounters this is still a passable enough time waster.

Some solid back-story and some so-so effects work raise this one slightly above average. What prevents Episode 50 from reaching the heights of Grave Encounters is that the film-makers fumble with mixed messages and their rather cumbersome and vomitous attempt to drum home a Christian message.

This sort of shameful religious grandstanding offends me and it really has no place in the horror genre, so this diluted the whole experience for me somewhat and lost the film an immediate 2 marks out of ten.

Nice try guys but please next time lose the heavy handed religious overtones and give us some good solid scares instead. It's a shame since there was some real potential here.

The X Factor (2011–2013)

Felt like I was watching a train wreck

[2/10 · 26 September 2011]

The American producers of the show need to make sure that they study the British format down to the finest detail.

This felt flat overlong, indulgent and worst of all BORING with a capital B - whereas the British show - which has fewer "name" judges this year what with the American launch is kicking the American version's proverbial behind all the way up and down the television superhighway.

All the stories in episode one felt contrived - the pace was WAY off - I actually almost nodded off once or twice - all the sickly sweet American sentiment was dripping like treacle but there was just NO drama, nothing -no suspense. The editing team need to be fired for this - it's a great format that's been screwed up by lazy post-production.

There's also no flash - a really dodgy final mix on the show and please don't let me get started on the presenter of the show. Where in God's name did they dig him up from - he is without a doubt one of the most appalling excuses for a TV presenter I've ever seen - and I've seen some pretty bad ones in my time.

Seriously - yanks - pull your fingers out or this is one viewer that's going to stick with the British version.

And Simon, shame on you, you should know better than this as Executive Producer of the show.

The Swinging Cheerleaders (1974)

Better than it should be

[6/10 · 18 September 2011]

So I sat down to watch this expecting a waste of 90 minutes of my life. Surprisingly I found myself actually enjoying this seedy little mid seventies sexsploitation piece.

The plot is nothing to speak of - journalism major decides to do a piece on swinging cheerleaders and their jock boyfriends.

Where the film surprises is in it's scripting - surprisingly liberated considering this was 1974 and somewhat witty with a bevy of interesting performances from a game cast, this turned out to be far more entertaining than expected.

Fun seventies drive-in fair and somewhat more layered than you may think. A solid six out of ten.

Dawning (I) (2009)

Slightly above average no-budgeter

[5/10 · 17 September 2011]

Okay-ish effort for a no-budget digital feature with some fair performances by a pretty good cast for a film of this size.

My biggest problem with the film is the fact that it treads no new ground. There was some potential here - some genuine suspense but the ending is nothing more than a yawn inducing been there done that sort of affair.

The director clearly has some flair and creates some decent chills. I've read some reviews bemoaning the budget of the film which personally I think is a BS cop-out for lazy scriptwriting.

Having no budget is no excuse for bad writing. Can anyone say EVIL DEAD!!??? This is where the film falls a little flat is in it's scripting - the characters are well drawn and you do give a damn but the interest level fades quickly as the film makes it's way to it's all too lame denouement.

Siren (III) (2010)

Barely interesting time waster

[17 September 2011]

Siren had the potential to be a great film. Unfortunately due to poor scripting and what seems like a very rushed denouement, the film never really lives up to it's potentially very interesting premise.

The director certainly shows some flair for gorgeous scenics and there is definitely an ambiance of sexy creepiness but all of this amounts to very little.

Even the expected exploitative aspects of this film seem somewhat tame in terms of what they could've been.

A really interesting first half amounts to a barely sustainable 76 odd minute somewhat interesting erotic horror film, but nothing you should go out of your way to make a point of seeing.

Black Swan (2010)

Perfection

[10/10 · 28 August 2011]

After the awesome Requiem for a Dream (also one of my all time favourites) he had a small misstep with the somewhat obscure, "The Fountain" but is most certainly back on his a-game here with Black Swan. Director Darren Aronofsky has crafted a film so perfect, so visually stunning, so intense that it brings to mind the work of some demented artist from a time gone by.

Every frame of this film is so perfectly constructed and each performance so pitch perfect that it goes without saying that this has become my favourite film of 2010. Portmans performance deserves every accolade that it receives and Barbara Hershey and Mila Kunis also deserve special mention.

The editing, the pace, the score, everything this film has on display has been so meticulously crafted that it defies explanation.

This is undoubtedly the most beautifully crafted horror film I have ever seen. Deeply disturbing with thematic elements that can be discussed ad nauseum post-film. I firmly believe as a long time horror film addict that this has made the genre relevant again and come Oscar time in 2011 this has my vote all the way.

Perfection in every sense of the word. 10/10

Grave Encounters (2011)

The movie Paranormal Activity wishes it was

[8/10 · 28 August 2011]

I say again - this is the movie that Paranormal Activity wished it was. Fine performances meet tight scripting delivered in cinema verite style and the shocks they keep them coming until the last frame.

The premise is simple - reality show footage found - bla bla bla - seen it all before, done it all before but never with so much style.

Kudos to the effects guys on this one too - stunning work - what so many sometimes fail to realise is that making a "reality" horror film is often far more challenging than making a "narrative" based one.

Being a complete horror junkie it takes a lot to get me scared, but I have to say there's something about seeing night vision apparitions all too convincing done on shaky "handycam" styled footage that managed to get deep under my skin and stay with me for a good few hours afterwards.

For those of you who want some real scares watch this one with the sound way up and the lights way down. Excellent work.

The Woman (I) (2011)

Pure genius for extremists

[10/10 · 28 August 2011]

It's pointless to try and explain the plot of this film without giving away way too much.

So how do I sing it's praises? In every way possible. Lucky Mckee is nothing short of a cinematic genius. His style - his use of music, the way he milks an emotional scene until there's not a dry eye in the house.

How often is one reduced to hysterics whilst watching something as simple as what is supposed to be a little exploitation piece. (The answer NEVER! Until now) Well there is the exploitation aspect there for sure - but the sheer art of the exploitation at hand here is near indescribable. The atmosphere this shocker creates in it's climax is literally fever pitch and palpable, but be warned this is extreme cinema with it's heart in all the right places.

The cast is nothing short of a revelation, the performances all round are pitch perfect including Mckee's muse Angela Bettis in a more subdued but deeply affecting role as the tormented mother.

Once again, without sounding like a raving fanboy, Mckee is a genius, a mad one but one all the same. If you're a fan of extreme cinema that's so much more layered than most of the so-called art-house fare out there then you'd be doing yourself an utter disservice by not attacking this one with gusto and coming out breathless the other side of this wild emotional roller-coaster of a film.

Stunning - I can't say it enough. Exploitation with a brain - well done.

The Tenant (2010)

Could have been better - what a shame

[3/10 · 28 August 2011]

What a shame - this could have been so much better in more capable hands. The writing and direction here falls very flat as well as some of the "porn level" performances.

The story however is an interesting if somewhat schizophrenic one. A weird mix between it's alive and a slasher film the biggest problem with this film is the pace- it's all over and it's often dull which a gruesome slasher film shouldn't be.

A shame since the film looks good - is technically slick with solid effects work and has some very novel ideas - what a pity - better luck next time though guys. Some lame plot contrivances here and there but overall it could have been much worse, but should have been much better.

This review is as schizophrenic as the pace of this film :)

Respire (2010)

Surprisingly Good little low budgeter

[8/10 · 6 August 2011]

Exceptionally well thought through and cleverly crafted little low budget exploitation piece that transcends it's genre beautifully.

Brilliant performance from Tracy Teague as the film's heroine. It's also refreshing to see the indies casting a "woman of a certain age" in the lead. Kudos to the producers.

Excellently paced,loads of intrigue and very well directed. David Cross is clearly going to be a genre talent to keep an eye on.

From a technical standpoint the opening sequence is breathtaking for such a low budget picture, stunningly put together and once again adding so much scope for something that could have been so much smaller.

I'm sure Hollywood will come á calling for this talented lot - let's just hope they don't sell out to the mainstream just yet.

Check it out you won't regret it. An Excellent eight.

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008 Video)

Utter garbage

[1/10 · 5 August 2011]

I was truly looking forward to this being a HUGE fan of the original and was devastated once the DVD had reached the five minute mark.

I kept checking the box to make sure I had been sent the right movie. A $4 million budget, what the hell did they spend it on - catering???!!! - ços the money sure isn't up there on the screen.

Cheaply shot, badly graded, sloppily edited, appallingly scored, a script that sounds like it was scratched down quickly on the back of a piece of toilet paper and the piece de resistance is the DIABOLICALLY BAD performances by a truly inept cast of nobodies.

What was Robert Hiltzik thinking? He should have just left well enough alone and not tarnished the reputation of the ground breaking original.

Avoid at all costs.

Primal (2010)

Nice little surprise from down under

[7/10 · 3 June 2011]

I love when a little film comes out of nowhere and bites me on the behind and forces me to take it seriously whilst having a whale of a time. Primal is one such film.

Sharp dialogue, believable characters and some pretty nifty visual and makeup effects make this an entertaining and undemanding, often quite subversive time waster.

It's not going to win any awards but that's never the intention with a something like this. At a brisk 80 odd minutes it doesn't hang around long enough to become self indulgent or boring and just when you think you know where it's going the screenwriter throws another curve-ball your way.

One satisfied customer her with a very solid seven out of ten.

Night Drive (I) (2010)

The most offensive kind of horror film - one that bores you to death

[2/10 · 3 June 2011]

Dreary, derivative mess of a movie that looks great but is so thin on content it's script must have been written on the back of a piece of toilet paper.

It's that bad - really. Performances range from appalling to OMFG what was that???!!! When I bought the DVD from Next Entertainment it was originally an incorrect printing on the disc - some dodgy religious music - I should have trusted fate and let my subconscious know it wasn't going to lose 100 overlong self-indulgent moments of it's life to some hackneyed amateurs that really don't know the first thing about horror.

Sorry if I sound harsh to any of the film-makers who may be scanning the pages of the IMDb for reviews of their "masterpiece" but seriously guys - watch a few more of the classics from the sixties and seventies, get some decent references in there and for God's sake hire a new scriptwriter.

I'm revealing nothing by saying there's a painfully obvious twist that you can see coming about ten minutes into the film.

The reason I'm being so harsh on this film is because the ad campaign was so damn good - it didn't live up to any of the hype. The worst mistake any horror film can make is to be boring.

Watch The Unforgiving for a much better, albeit not great, example of South African horror.