massiveapple Reviews

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

"Then...THEN THEY ATE HIS GENITALS!!!"

[13 February 2004]

Still one of the funniest movies of all time, assuming you're not shocked by cheap gore. Never mind the "20 scenes of extreme brutality" mentioned in the introductory "warning" (ROLL UP! ROLL UP!), there are at least 30 scenes of extreme hilarity....

If you're looking for a good cannibal flick, "Cannibal Holocaust" is the one - still pretty dumb, but good. "Ferox", on the other hand, is the one to choose if you want a good bad-taste laugh. There are way too many hilarious moments to list, but I love the central premise that Lorraine de Selle is going into the jungle to prove that cannibalism DOESN'T exist, and NEVER HAS. Right - I just walked home from the pub and didn't get into a fight, that proves that no one has ever got in a fight on the way home from the pub. And no one who's seen this film will ever forget John "Giovanni Radice" Morghen's acting as he wails the immortal line, "then...THEN THEY ATE HIS GENITALS!!!"

The commentary track on the DVD is fantastic - Lenzi is a hilariously arrogant idiot, while Morghen's camp, bitchy comments had me in hysterics.

But don't believe this nonsense about how "Ferox" is "sickening" for showing a snake crushing something to death, or South American tribes killing a turtle. Have you never watched a documentary about snakes on the BBC or the Discovery Channel? Guess what - they show them crushing things too! And if you don't believe that nature documentary crews actually feed "innocent" animals to predators just to get good footage, you're very naive. As for the turtle -- these tribal guys live IN THE JUNGLE, ok? "But you don't have to show them actually cutting the head off a live turtle!" Well first of all, the fact that it's a "live" turtle is neither here nor there - if it was a dead one, it would still have been killed, duh. And secondly, what? We can eat our turtle soup, but we don't want to watch it being made? Grow up.

Three Giant Men (1973)

Weirder than you could ever imagine

[5 August 2003]

It's your unfriendly neighbourhood Spiderman! But he's green! And he's in Turkey! And he's ripped a hole in his mask so you can see his bushy eyebrows! And he can't shoot webs anymore! Or climb up walls! Peter Parker must have been bitten by ANOTHER radioactive spider or something, presumably while on holiday in Turkey, because suddenly he's EVIL and likes nothing better than chopping people up with a knife, skewering them in the shower, and, especially, doing lame ass kung-fu on them.

You know this film is going to be amazing when - BEFORE THE OPENING CREDITS - Spidey buries a girl up to her neck on the beach, then gets two blokes in a boat to reverse the outboard motor blades into her face. Seems the cops were right all along to be suspicious of that ol' web-slinger. Then those opening credits -- photographs (like actual paper photographs) taken on the set have been stuck on a wall next to fridge-magnet letters spelling out the title, and the camera zooms away from them very quickly...this passes for special effects in 70s Turkish cinema. The theme tune has exactly the same melody as "Diamonds Are Forever". There is no Turkish word for "copyright violation" - as if the psycho slasher Spiderman wasn't proof of that already.

As if that wasn't enough, wait -- Evil Spidey is terrorizing Istanbul, so who's the best person to call to deal with the problem? Captain America of course! (well it makes more sense than trusting in the hapless raincoated detective who gets sliced up by Spiderman - who then looks into the camera and says "ho ho ho ho ho. Adios!") Oh, and also Santo, the masked Mexican wrestler. Santo is a trifle fatter than his Mexican version, but at least his blank face mask can be replicated easily - Captain America is a tougher task for the costume designer (who, looking at the costumes, is almost certainly the director's mum). He has the "A" on his head, but he has no shield -- then again, Spidey has no webs, so that evens things out.

You have to see this movie. If necessary, go to Turkey to see it. Even better than the notorious Turkish remake of "Star Wars", and a 500% improvement on the recent Hollywood Spiderman. Did Spidey gruesomely murder a lovemaking couple in that movie? Well exactly.

SS Experiment Love Camp (1976)

Be Thankful For How Appalling This Is

[5 August 2003]

"SS Experiment Camp", as it's known in Britain, first found fame with its promotional poster - in the early days of video in the UK, when only cheap titles were being released, video store owners brightened up their shops with its lurid artwork of a tortured semi-naked girl hanging upside down in a prison yard, with the spooky face of an evil Nazi officer hovering behind. The result was outrage, and the beginning of the Video Nasties panic, resulting in the banning of this and almost 80 other films.

I don't think "SS Experiment Camp" is currently available uncut anywhere in the world, which is hardly surprising - even Anchor Bay would turn their noses up at this one. Obviously it's in UNBELIEVABLY poor taste, and yes it does take ludicrous liberties with its portrayal of Nazi death camps, but what really stands out about this movie is how appallingly bad it is. All these things come together most startlingly in the memorable scene where a lady prisoner, who has been repeatedly raped to orgasm by a sadistic female doctor, piles marmalade onto her bread and sighs "I haven't had marmalade for ages...if these guys keep treating us like this, they've got my vote!" Jaw-dropping.

The torture scenes aren't very realistic, but they're INCREDIBLY mean-spirited (the even-worse sequel to this movie, the charmingly titled "SS Camp 5: Women's Hell" has more torture, which the filmmakers absolutely revel in). "SS Experiment Camp" is a very, very badly made film - those of us with a taste for extremely sick kitsch watch it for its ludicrous, campy sleaziness - for which we should be thankful. If it was a well-made film, it would be pretty impossible to watch without puking your guts up.

The Gestapo's Last Orgy (1977)

Oh...my...God...

[5 August 2003]

It takes something special to shock those of us who chew popcorn through Hong Kong gore movies and watch the bulldozer decapitation scene from "Island Of Death" to cheer ourselves up. Blood and guts won't do it: if you've ever seen a movie like "Flower Of Flesh And Blood", you hardly blink at a badly-acted torture scene or two. Nastiness isn't enough: those who've sat through the rape scene in "I Spit On Your Grave" won't find any of the sexual violence in "Gestapo's Last Orgy" remotely disturbing. So why is this strange, strange movie more unsettling than any of the other obscure trash/gore/exploitation flicks some of us love so much?

Unlike "SS Experiment Camp" or "The Beast In Heat", "The Gestapo's Last Orgy" isn't quite ridiculous enough to be camp...unlike "Ilsa, She Wolf Of The SS", it's not an outrageous bad-taste romp for whooping drive-in punters. Influenced more by "The Night Porter" than anything else, this unsavoury bucket of softcore death-camp swill actually thinks it's A Proper Movie.

Director Cesare Canavari has a ball ripping off Fellini, Godard, Pasolini and Tinto Brass on a college-project budget, while the script attempts to explore Sadeian themes with some level of seriousness. Uniquely among the Nazisploitation films, the movie specifically refers to the prisoners as Jewish. But this is a movie in which Nazis sit round a dinner table saying "there's nothing better than a pot-roast of unborn Jew!" - in a "dramatic" boat scene, a technician can be seen kneeling in the back of the boat. It's a cheapo, badly-made schlock shocker just like all the others! Its pretentions are what make it so mindbogglingly shocking - what the hell were these people thinking?