crowrobot Reviews

The Phantom (1996)

High-spirited, energetic fun.

[8/10 · 10 August 2007]

'The Phantom' is a film so filled with good cheer and infectious energy that I couldn't bring myself to dislike it. There's other stuff that makes the movie worth seeing, of course, but I had a huge, genuine grin throughout most of the movie.

After an opening prologue (itself proceeded by a "For Those Who Came In Late" card that made me smile) detailing the origins of the purple-clad justice seeker known as the Phantom (Billy Zane), the movie runs right out of the starting gate and never looks back. It has skulls, skeletons, dark caves, a loyal horse and wolf pair, biplanes, Pan Am clippers, ancient skulls of power, Chinese pirates, and a neat little mini-sub. The plot is nonsense, of course, but the lightning-fast pace makes up for that.

Billy Zane makes a good Phantom, allowing himself to have a sense of humor about things, and his cheerful demeanor is a nice break from angsty heroes like Batman or the X-Men. Kristy Swanson pretty much defines "spunk" as the sidekick/love interest; she gets kidnapped a lot, sure, but she's not a helpless damsel, and gets in on the action quite a bit. Treat Williams enjoys himself more than just about anyone I've ever seen as the villain Xander Drax, hamming it up with glorious abandon in the tradition of the best comic book bad guys. James Remar is solid as Drax's main thug, and Catherine Zeta Jones is cool as a bad girl who changes sides later in the movie. I also got a huge kick out of the appearance of Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa as a Chinese pirate warlord late in the film, who immediately proceeds to have a scenery-chewing contest with Williams.

While it's too bad Joe 'Gremlins' Dante didn't get to direct this, Simon Wincer (Free Willy, Lonesome Dove) does an admirable job, filling the screen with great-looking sets and fun action scenes. He also manages to make a purple bodysuit not look utterly stupid, which is a remarkable achievement. The script by Jeffrey Boam (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Innerspace) is tongue-in-cheek without being campy, and Williams and Tagawa get many of the best lines.

'The Phantom' is not a great movie, but it will certainly entertain those who love old 30's serials and comic books. It's just a darn good time.

Blade II (2002)

Blood-drenched action flick that delivers the goods

[8/10 · 24 July 2007]

"Blade II" is a blast, an atmospheric horror-action thrill ride from director Guillermo del Toro (Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth). Filling his canvas with sticky surfaces, gold hues and tones, and blood as only del Toro can do blood, "Blade II" is simultaneously exciting and gross.

Long story short: Blade (Wesley Snipes) must join forces with the Vampire Nation to eliminate a new breed of vampires called Reapers. Reapers feed on both humans AND vampires, so it's bad news for both sides. Made leader of a team previously trained to hunt him (which includes amongst its members Ron Perlman and Donnie Yen), Blade finds himself in some very deep trouble as he discovers that there is more than meets the eye to the Reapers.

The Reapers are one of the best parts of Blade II. Armed with Predator-esquire jaws and an incredibly disgusting tongue, they are quite possibly the grossest antagonists in recent memory. They are also very persistent, occasionally resembling the creatures from the Alien series. There is an autopsy on a fallen Reaper that is both fascinating and repulsive; I would suggest not eating before watching this scene.

del Toro does a fine job with the action scenes; wisely utilizing the terror of the Reapers as a starting point, the only downsides to the action are the occasionally really fake-looking CGI stunt men (especially in the vampire-ninja fight). The smack downs between Blade and Nomak (Luke Goss), the original Reaper, are wonderfully over-the-top and cartoony.

Blade II is just loads of fun, even more so than the first movie. Just remember not to eat before watching.

Speed (1994)

Enjoyable action ride...

[8/10 · 11 July 2007]

'Speed' is a highly entertaining thriller made with loads of energy and style. It has a great cast, taut direction, and enjoyably outrageous stunts.

LA cop Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves) is a busy guy. Not long after foiling a hostage situation involving former Atlanta cop Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) and an elevator full of victims, Jack is pulled into Payne's new scheme, the now-famous 'bomb-on-a-bus' situation. After the driver is accidentally shot by one of the passengers, a woman named Annie (Sandra Bullock) takes over and must work with Jack to figure a way out.

I have never thought Keanu Reeves is a bad actor; he's just a limited one. The problem with Reeves is that he is frequently miscast in romances when he's more at home in action flicks like this or 'The Matrix' or comedies like 'Bill and Ted'. Reeves is terrific here, focused and tough, although his delivery does occasionally mangle some good lines. I liked Reeves' and Bullock's chemistry, although the screenplay's attempts to make them fall in love are VERY forced. Hopper plays another one of his patented psychos spectacularly, while Jeff Daniels and Joe Morton play Jack's fellow cops. I also liked Alan Ruck (Cameron from 'Ferris Buller') as a nervous bus passenger who gets a great moment early on.

The direction by Jan de Bont is relentless, only briefly stopping to let the audience catch their breath. The script is good too; as soon as one problem is solved, another surfaces, and you can't help but grin when Jack actually lowers himself under the bus to try and defuse the bomb.

'Speed' may not be a classic, but it's still loads of fun.

Ghost Rider (2007)

"Ghost Rider" is goofy and fun, primarily because of Nicolas Cage's performance...

[7/10 · 6 July 2007]

Nicolas Cage loves comics. Taking the surname "Cage" from a black Marvel superhero named Luke Cage, naming his son Kal-El (Superman's Kryptonian name), and he was cast as Superman in the ill-fated mid-90s Tim Burton project "Superman Lives". Now, I like Cage; he is a splendid, bizarre actor who takes chances and risks, but I simply don't see him as Superman. Now he has a film where he is more suited to playing the lead: Ghost Rider.

Based on the Marvel comic, Ghost Rider tells the story of Johnny Blaze (Cage), a motorcycle daredevil who sells his soul to Mephistopheles (Peter Fonda) in order to cure his father's cancer. His father then dies in a stunt accident. Bummer. Many years later, Mephisto comes to collect on the deal and turns Blaze into the Ghost Rider, a kind of bounty hunter who throws escaped souls back into Hell. His son Blackheart (Wes Bentley) has escaped from down below, looking for a contract made with 1000 evil souls. Blaze enlists the help of the Caretaker (Sam Elliott) to aid him in his fight, and things proceed in a predictable if enjoyable fashion.

The best parts of the movie are Cage and Elliott. Cage brings a weirdness to Blaze that makes him more human. Rather than being a hard-drinking, chain-smoking mope, Cage dines on jellybean martinis, listens to the Carpenters, and watches monkey shows. And I could frankly watch Elliott be a cowboy all day. While he's saddled with some pretty bad lines, Elliott forms a nice repartee with Cage.

The supporting cast, alas, does not fare as well. Peter Fonda manages to escape embarrassment by going for a quieter type of menace, but Eva Mendes is not given anything to do as the love interest except look great, and Wes Bentley is just horrible. Now, I like over-the-top villains, but Bentley doesn't bring any menace or energy to the role. His henchmen are equally lame, and they are hopelessly unimposing compared to the Ghost Rider.

Speaking of which, the Rider is pretty cool. A flaming skeleton clad in leather and chains is a pretty cool image to begin with, and the effects involving him and his ultra-chrome Hellcycle are neat, if not photo real. I liked when the Rider is played as more a movie monster than a superhero, such as in a scene where Blaze is thrown in prison and things go south quickly.

Director Mark Steven Johnson (the unfairly maligned "Daredevil") has a nice visual style, and the western elements he brings to the fray help liven things up a bit, but he simply should not be allowed to write anymore screenplays. The script here is saddled with horrible lines like "He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit", "Hey, Dirtbag!" and "Let's clear the air!".

Despite these problems, "Ghost Rider" is entertaining for its running length, and Cage's enthusiasm is infectious. You could do worse.

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

"Live Free or Die Hard" provides excellent thrills and laughs in a summer of disappointing, bloated blockbusters...

[8/10 · 2 July 2007]

Comparing the new film "Live Free or Die Hard" to the 1988 classic "Die Hard" seems kind of pointless to me (I have yet to see "Die Hard 2: Die Harder" or "Die Hard With A Vengeance). They are two films born of different eras, each with their own goals in mind. "Die Hard" is obviously a classic, but LFODH does a great job of providing the goods for an entertaining summer action flick.

The plot, such as it is: Former US hacker Thomas Gabriel (an unimposing Timothy Olyphant) decides to bring down the computer system of America and cause chaos. It's up to New York cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) and geeky hacker Matt Farrell (Justin Long) to stop Gabriel's plan, especially considering that the baddies get hold of John's daughter Lucy (a feisty Mary Elizabeth Winstead). Much gunfire, explosions, and fistfights ensue.

One of the things I liked about the movie is that McClane and Farrell truly need each other. McClane is behind the times, described at one point as "a Timex watch in a digital world", while Farrell is insanely up-to-date. McClane provides fisticuffs, Farrell supplies hacker skills. I liked their budding friendship, and Farrell has a surprisingly effective character arc as he grows a backbone; one of the best scenes in the film has him refusing to help Gabriel complete his plans. Long is a funny actor, and he has a good rapport with Willis, who proves once again that he came out of the womb in order to play this character. Winstead makes a fine McClane-in-training, although her first scene is a little creepy thanks to the script.

The bad guys, alas, do not fear as well. While I suppose Olyphant is fine doing malevolent stares and speaking in a half-menacing whisper, he doesn't really prove to be much a challenge for McClane. His two best scenes come in a confrontation with McClane over a web cam and when he sighs to Lucy, "I can't talk to him, *you* talk to him," like a disappointed parent. Maggie Q has a great fight scene with Willis, and parkour expert Cyrus Rafaelli has some cool scenes, and his death is kind of magnificent.

Director Len Wiseman (the "Underworld" series) does a fine job with the action scenes, although even I have to admit that the business with the fighter jet seems superfluous. What he's not so good at is tension and danger, save for the opening apartment battle and McClane and Farrell's infiltration of one of Gabriel's targets.

The PG-13 rating does not dampen the experience too much. Yes, it'd be nice to hear McClane drop f-bombs by the dozens, but at least he gets to say his most famous line (albeit slightly muffled). Strangely, I didn't notice the supposed dubbing errors that many critics have pointed out; maybe I'm just not good at that sort of thing. The violence pushes the rating about as far as it go, and it's satisfyingly brutal.

"Live Free or Die Hard" is stalwartly old-fashioned. Like it's hero, it's a throwback to simpler times, a breath of fresh air in a season of bloated CGI extravaganzas (although I am still looking forward to Transformers, which looks to combine new-school effects with old-school sensibilities).

Rent (2005)

Brilliant for about 90 minutes...

[8/10 · 28 May 2007]

For about 90 minutes, the film adaptation of the long-running Broadway musical 'Rent' is brilliant: a heedless, vibrant celebration of joy, film, and music. The film stumbles in the final hurdle, though I still enjoy the final product wholeheartedly.

I have never seen the Broadway show, so I was taken aback by the sheer energy of the story. With about 75% of its main characters homosexual and/or HIV-positive, I was expecting something more somber or moody. The songs are more rock-and-roll than typical Broadway numbers, and the screen practically bursts with joy and color at certain points. While most of the cast is comprised of the original 1996 Broadway players (the best of whom are Jesse L. Martin and Anthony Rapp; Martin's energy makes up for his visible age, while Rapp is convincing as both a character and a young bohemian) the best actors are two new ones: Rosario Dawson, one of the loveliest women in Hollywood, lights up the screen as Mimi, while Tracie Thoms brings dignity and gravitas to her role as Joanne.

Chris Columbus, the director of such commercial films as the first two Harry Potters, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Home Alone, is probably not the first person you would think of to take on this material successfully. But Columbus does a good job, utilizing the more expansive spaces of film for some truly effective sequences.

I do have a few problems with the actual material. Maureen (Idina Menzel) is a character that is written as such an unlikeable shrew that it becomes extremely hard to like her. The character of Angel is too much of a caricature, and Benny, though played well by Taye Diggs, is a plot device. And while there are some true show-stopping songs in the movie ("Seasons of Love", "Rent", "La Vie Boheme", "The Tango Maureen"), there are some lackluster songs as well.

The energy drains from the film in the final stretch and gives way to turgid melodrama; I like melodrama if it is done well, which is not the case here, although the ending is very effective. 'Rent' is still a highly enjoyable, energized experience that offers a break from typical Broadway musical styles.

Eragon (2006)

A decent book becomes a wretched movie...

[2/10 · 8 April 2007]

I would be the first to tell you that Christopher Paolini's 'Eragon' and its sequel 'Eldest' are by no means Shakespearean (the third book, 'Empire', comes out later this year). Sure, Paolini ripped off Tolkien, Star Wars, and Anne McCaffrey's Dragon Riders, but he managed to make two interesting and enjoyable fantasy novels out of this hodgepodge. The movie version of 'Eragon', however, is simply a mess.

The first of many problems with the movie is pacing. 'Eragon' is a fairly good-sized book, and the decision to cut the lengthy narrative down into an 100-minute film is mind-boggling. The script barrels from one scene to the next with no regard for pace or coherence. Director Stefen Fangmeier, a former visual effects supervisor, does a decent job with the action scenes, but he has no idea how to direct scenes that don't involve special effects.

Just about everyone in the movie is miscast. From Ed Speelers' ultra-bland performance as the title character, to John Malkovich's utterly bored King Galbatorix (Malkovich gives the impression that he was on the set for about an hour), and Sienna Guillory's ear-splitting "performance" as elf chick Arya, almost every actor is utterly wretched. There are two bright spots amongst the actors: Jeremy Irons, who gives the movie's best performance as Eragon's mentor Brom; he's slumming, granted, but Irons is an entertaining actor even at his lowest points. Another bright spot is Robert Carlyle, who, while not exactly good, at least puts some effort into his villainous role as Durza the Shade.

Next to Irons and Carlyle, the best aspect of the movie is Eragon's dragon Saphira (well-voiced by Rachel Weisz). Beautifully realized by Industrial Light and Magic, the film takes off only when Saphira comes on the scene.

While Paolini's books are entertaining Tolkien-McCaffrey ripoffs, 'Eragon' is simply dreadful.

Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms (2006 TV Movie)

Wildly entertaining introduction to the world of the animated Hellboy...

[9/10 · 31 December 2006]

Ron Perlman is awesome as Hellboy. This is a scientific fact; even the critics who disliked the 2004 live-action 'Hellboy' admitted that Perlman owned the screen. So, now we have the animated 'Sword of Storms', and it's a great first outing in what I hope will become a regular series.

Beginning with a great action sequence where Hellboy (Perlman again), fish-man Abe Sapien (voice of Doug Jones), and pyrokinetic Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) fight a giant bat god and some Mayan zombies, the film rockets towards Japan, where a professor has become possessed by the demons Thunder and Lightning. The demons were trapped in the Sword of Storms, and Hellboy is transported to a mythological Japanese world when he picks up the sword. Now the big red guy must deal with floating heads, spider-women, kappas, and Thunder and Lightning themselves in a battle to (recite in unison) save the world.

First things first: The animation itself is pretty sweet. The action is kinetic and exciting, and I loved just how odd some of the creatures Hellboy faced were. Seriously, how can you not like floating heads that demand to know where Hellboy has hidden their bodies? True, there are times where the character movements are a tad jerky, but it's splendid overall.

The same goes for the voice acting. Perlman once more owns the movie as the voice of Hellboy, and his laid-back attitude to all the weirdness surronding him is hilarious. Doug Jones is very good as Abe Sapien; in the live-action film, an uncredited David Hyde-Pierce voiced Abe, and while Pierce did a good job, Jones brings an everyman likability to the role. I liked Peri Gilpin as Hellboy's friend Agent Kate Corrigan (I hope we see more of this character in the future) and the miscellaneous characters are voiced well. Selma Blair, on the other hand, does not fare so well as Liz; she seems bored, frankly, and bored is not the same as the laid-back attitudes of Perlman and Jones.

Despite a fairly episodic plot, and the aforementioned lackluster Selma Blair, 'Sword of Storms' is extremely entertaining, and it gives me high hopes for the future.

Princess Mononoke (1997)

"Why are you here?" "To see with eyes unclouded by hate."

[10/10 · 15 October 2006]

'Princess Mononoke' is, quite frankly, one of the greatest animated films of all time. It's a classic, filled with terrific, eye-popping imagery, complex characters, and it is truly powerful in its dramatic impact. I came close to tears by the film's end.

The first thing you will notice about 'Mononoke' is the animation. Animation god Hayao Miyazaki fills his screen with lush colors and bizarre fantasy creatures (personal favorite: Ashitaka's deer/horse steed Yakul). It's a far cry from the increasingly cheap animation we have in America. The movie is ambitious in its scale, and there are some truly magnificent set-pieces, like the near-apocalyptic ending.

Also of particular note is the story. These characters and this plot are not black-and-white. Lady Eboshi may be cutting down the forests and angering the gods, but she truly believes it will help her people; she shows compassion to outsiders like lepers and prostitutes, and her regret at Ashitaka's cursed arm is sincere (she did, after all, cause the boar god's madness). San, the "Princess Mononoke" of the title, has shades of gray, too: Yes, we sympathize with her desire to protect the forest, but she is not innocent of bloodshed. Even Jigo, a con man/priest who wants the Forest Spirit's head for the Emperor (which is obviously a bad idea), has his reasons for committing what may be considered "evil".

The English voice cast has divided people, but I liked it. Billy Crudup brings gravity and stoicism to Ashitaka, and Claire Danes is appropriately fierce as San. The standouts, however, lie in the supporting cast. Minnie Driver is perfect as Eboshi, bringing wit and elegance to the role; Gillian Anderson breaks from her Scully persona to deliver a powerful performance as ancient wolf god Moro; Keith David, one of America's most underrated actors, rules as the boar god Okkoto, and Billy Bob Thornton is very funny as Jigo. Thornton's Southern drawl has caused controversy amongst fans, but I think it adds to the character's charm.

'Princess Mononoke' is a masterpiece. To find a flaw in this movie is impossible.

Hitch (I) (2005)

Thank you, Will Smith and Kevin James, for making a romantic comedy that didn't make me want to scratch my eyes out afterwards....

[8/10 · 30 June 2006]

'Hitch' is a nice surprise: A romantic comedy that actually has romance and comedy. Most romantic comedies for me range from mediocre to horrible because they are not funny or romantic. 'Hitch' takes actors like Will Smith, Kevin James, and Eva Mendes into a fun, light-as-a-feather journey that actually had me laughing and, yes, a little "aww, how sweet!".

Meet Alex Hitchens (Will Smith), aka Hitch. He's a self-proclaimed 'Date Doctor'; he helps hopeless guys like Albert (Kevin James) win guys like Allegra (Amber Valletta). Unfortunately, Hitch has to deal with Sarah (Eva Mendes), a gossip columnist bent on breaking the Date Doctor...

'Hitch' is actually pretty funny, and it even makes the standard slapstick scenes work simply because the cast is so energetic and clearly having fun. I have to wonder why Will Smith hasn't made more movies like this. His sharp, rapid-fire delivery is perfect for this genre, and his chemistry with Mendes and James is wonderful. James is a real discovery; I have never seen his show 'The King of Queens', but he is funny and heartfelt, and he proves once more that fat white men cannot dance hip-hop (Smith's responses to his attempts are hilarious). Mendes is hot and bouncy (not that way, geez) as Smith's perfect match, and Amber Valletta is sweet as Allegra.

'Hitch' isn't perfect; it's a tad too long, and things get too "dramatic" near the end (although this is redeemed by the happy ending filled with funny dancing). But's it a great refresher from the cookie-cutter romantic comedies that keep littering theaters.

Ultimate Avengers: The Movie (2006 Video)

Not bad, not bad at all...

[8/10 · 28 June 2006]

When 'Ultimate Avengers' had its first trailer, I was excited but hesitant. The animation looked pretty Saturday-morning, and the voice acting sounded somewhat cheesy. I am happy to report that 'Ultimate Avengers' is a pretty good first attempt by Marvel to create an animated franchise.

The movie is based on the 'Ultimates' comic book, where heroes like Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow, and the Hulk coexist in today's world. Captain (voice of Justin Gross), after a final stand against the menacing Chitauri aliens, has been frozen for 60 years. He finds himself now in the hands of Nick Fury (Andre Ware), who's putting together a team of superheroes to fight the returning Chitauri. These heroes include Dr. Bruce Banner (Michael Massee), aka the Hulk, who hopes Captain's return will help him stabilize the Hulk with Captain's Super Soldier Serum; Iron Man (Marc Worden), the hi-tech cybernetic commando, and Russian superspy Black Widow (Olivia D'Abo). The Ultimate Avengers must now put aside their differences and work as a team to fight the Chitauri... in addition to the growing threat of the Hulk.

Beginning with an awesome WWII battle, 'Ultimate Avengers' has some spectacular superhero action. Its PG-13 rating is justified, considering that although many of the more intense aspects of the comic (i.e. Hulk going on a rampage to kill Freddie Prinze Jr., Giant Man and Wasp's spousal problems) have been toned down, the movie is pretty violent. People get blown up, tossed around, shot at, and the Hulk even breaks Giant Man's knee at one point. The end battle is particularly impressive, and the animation is much better than the trailers had led me to believe.

The voice acting is also pretty good, with standouts being Justin Gross as Captain America and Michael Massee as Bruce Banner. Gross, while a tad too boyish-sounding for hard-edged Captain America, is earnest, sincere, and appropriately patriotic. I like how Massee makes Banner into a truly tortured individual; he's not very likable, but you sure feel for him. The rest of the voice cast is good (I like Andre Ware's Sam Jackson-esquire delivery of Nick Fury's lines), and it's fun as always to hear the immortal Grey DeLisle as Wasp.

'Ultimate Avengers' is a good starting point for the franchise.

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

While it definitely needs some improvement, "The Last Stand" is a fitting and enjoyable end to the "X-Men" film series.

[8/10 · 4 June 2006]

The amount of trouble, ill will, and internet fanboy ranting that has followed the production of the 3rd X-Men movie could probably fill an entire book. Director Brett Ratner ('Rush Hour') has been cast as a villain right from the start, but I'm glad to say 'X-Men: The Last Stand' is not the disaster anticipated by the aforementioned internet ranting. That being said, it definitely needs some improvement, but it's not a bad film.

Right from the start, Ratner makes it clear he's putting his stamp on the franchise. The final X-Men movie lacks the precision and nuance that Singer brought to the series, and some of the "drama" in 'Last Stand' has the subtlety of a kick to the groin, notably the whole "nothing's wrong with us" gay subtext. This doesn't destroy the film, but I wish Ratner hadn't rushed so much to get the film cracking. And boy, does it get cracking.

When the movie finally kicks into overdrive, the results are magnificent. Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) stabs people, Beast (a magnificent Kelsey Grammar) flips around like a monkey, Storm (Halle Berry) fries people with lightning bolts, and Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones) smashes through walls. This is what I paid for. One problem, though: There are simply too many characters. A *lot* of new characters are introduced in this movie, and too many of them get not enough to do. My mind boggles at what the movie could do with characters like Angel (Ben Foster), Colossus (Daniel Cudmore), and Multiple Man (Eric Dane). Instead, we get far too much of lame people like Callisto (Dania Ramirez), and her brood of punk mutants. Huh? What's up with these guys? They're lamer than Toad from the first movie!

Despite these complaints, 'The Last Stand' is still darn enjoyable, and it makes up for its lack of subtlety in drama with its lack of subtlety in ACTION.

Annapolis (2006)

This is better than expected, but that's not saying much....

[5/10 · 1 April 2006]

Going into 'Annapolis, I thought I was going to be put to sleep by 2 hours of Navy promotion and boring clichés that went out of style years ago. I got that, but 'Annapolis' is better than my expectations suggested. That's not to say its a good movie; it's just not terrible.

The reason it is not terrible is a portion of the cast. James Franco manages to overcome his poorly written, formulaic lead with his hard-edged brand of acting. Vicellous Shannon has an effective supporting role as Twins, an overweight black man from Arkansas. His hometown, he explains, is counting on him to survive and pass the year. This is an unexpectedly touching subplot, and I was surprised it worked. Donnie Wahlberg and Chi McBride have good supporting roles, and many of the anonymous students are portrayed convincingly.

Unfortunately, the production is let down by three factors: The script, Tyrese Gibson, and Jordana Brewster. The script is, well, horrific. While its nice to see military students cuss, some of the racist and sexist remarks are extremely out of place. The script is a tireless formula that simply will not go away (and I don't think I need to name said formula). Next offender: Tyrese Gibson. Tyrese is not a bad actor, but the aforementioned terrible script seems to have made him think he needed to imitate R. Lee Ermey. He does this with the subtlety of a jackhammer. Last, but not least, Jordana Brewster. I simply do not believe for one second she is a Navy Midshipman. The romance between her and Franco is laugh-inducing, and completely unrealistic (how many times have I heard military students aren't allowed to fraternize?).

While it's not the disaster I expected, 'Annapolis' still earns my dislike. There's good stuff, but not enough.

Drake & Josh (2004–2007)

Atrocious....

[15 March 2006]

If you missed Nickelodeon teeny-bopper crapapaloozas like 'The Amanda Show', fear no more! 'Drake and Josh' are here for your pathetic nostalgia. The rest of us are doomed.

'Drake and Josh' is about as unfunny as TV can get. It somehow manages to be worse than all of Disney's sitcoms (and those SUCK, believe me), and Nick's old, decent shows like 'All That' and 'Kenan and Kel'. The two leads are atrociously bad. While Drake Bell survives by merely being bland, Josh Peck is... I can't think of a printable world to describe his cringe-inducing "comedy". I swear to God this kid's insane. He looks about 15, but he acts like a 2 year-old on a sugar high. Not only that, he thinks he's hilarious, which is about the worst thing an actor can do in a comedy.

The writing doesn't help either. It constantly falls on ancient sitcom clichés with a capacity that astounds me. It pains me that this show has become so popular, when it is clearly putrid, dull, and brain-killing. 'Drake and Josh'= TV Underworld.

Ben 10 (2005–2008)

Better than expected...

[20 February 2006]

When the first commercials for 'Ben 10' arrived, my thoughts were this: "They (Cartoon Network) just canceled 'Teen Titans', and now we have another Americanime show? Count me out." Once I actually saw the show, however, my opinion changed. 'Ben 10' is a fairly decent superhero show. It's not as good as 'Teen Titans' or 'Justice League Unlimited' (it's certainly aimed at a younger audience), but it's a great way to kill time.

'Ben 10' actually has a pretty good starting point: Ben Tennyson (voiced by the immortal Tara Strong) is a normal kid traveling on the road with his Grandpa Max and cousin Gwen. Ben finds a strange watch that allows the wearer to transform into ten different superheroes. Problem is, evil aliens want the watch and begin invading Earth to get it. Now it's up to Ben to (recite in unison) save the world.

Like I said before, 'Ben 10' is not the travesty anticipated by the commercials, nor is it equal to the aforementioned 'Teen Titans' and 'Justice League'. It's mildly diverting, and 10 year-old boys should bet a kick out of it. You could do worse than 'Ben 10'.

Beast Wars: Transformers (1996–1999)

Maximals, maximize!

[12 January 2006]

The 6 year-old in me still squeaks out a "Cool!" whenever I watch 'Beast Wars'. Yes, it's a 30-minute toy commercial, but it's a *good* 30-minute toy commercial.

Like its predecessors, 'Beast Wars' has a relatively simple premise: The Maximals and the Predacons have landed on Earth, and are fighting the 'Beast Wars' over a precious golden disk. Along the way, both sides are mutated, characters change sides, and lots of laser guns and explosions ensue.

The voice actors bring a lot to the show: Gary Chalk will be forever associated with Optimus Primal, as will David Kaye as Megatron (I get the chills whenever I hear his, "Yesssss." Creepy!). My favorite, though, is Scot McNeil as Dinobot. The raptor rules! Sorry if this review is reading like a 6 year-old wrote it, but that's how I feel about 'Beast Wars'. Ten years later, it's still one of my favorite cartoons of all time.

King Kong (2005)

A rollicking adventure...

[10/10 · 25 December 2005]

'King Kong', above all, is an adventure story, and it's a great one. Peter Jackson's remake is exciting, awesome in its special effects, and strangely moving. It's one of the best movies of the year, it's possibly Jackson's best film, and it's one of the greatest thrill rides I've ever seen.

The film takes an hour to set up its characters and story, and although it drags sometimes, it is never boring. Things take off into high gear and never look back once the action moves to Skull Island, the home of Kong, a 25-foot gorilla. Kong is a fantastic CGI creation, and his scenes with Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) are among the best in the film. Watts deserves much credit for being able to perform against almost nothing.

The movie has some of the most thrilling action scenes ever filmed. My personal favorite is the 10-minute fight between Kong and three mean T-Rexes. Another strange thing happens: I found myself wanting Kong to win, to teach the dinos a lesson, to rescue Ann. That is why (SPOILER WARNING!) I nearly cried at the end of the film.

Jackson has made an immediately sympathetic monster, and I loved this movie.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Lame James Bond rip-off.

[1/10 · 11 December 2005]

I really liked 1996's 'Mission: Impossible'. Now here is the antithesis of the first movie: 'Mission: Impossible II'. The first film was a tight, smooth thriller that barreled along at warp speed, and was a nice break from conventional Hollywood action thrillers. 'II' pretty much IS a conventional Hollywood thriller.

Almost nothing from the first film has been picked up here: Tom Cruise? Yes, he's back, but he's not a spy anymore. He's James Bond, minus ANY cool gadgets or charisma. The awesome theme music? Gone, replaced with a horrible rock score. The action is typical Hollywood: Slow-motion gunplay and martial arts.

Ugh, I hate this movie! The acting and dialogue is lame, the techno-rock score even lamer, and the action scenes are mundane. Here's hoping 'MI: III' won't be as cringe-inducing as this disaster.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

Enormously entertaining...

[8/10 · 10 December 2005]

The long-awaited film version of C.S. Lewis's 'The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe' has arrived, and I'm largely impressed. The material has become more nuanced and compelling in it's transition from book to film, the action is very good, and Narnia is perfectly realized. The film, while enormously entertaining, is not perfect.

One of the main problems with the film is the spotty direction of the child actors. Georgie Henley is magnificent as Lucy, and Skandar Keynes brings some depth to Edmund (watch his face harden when he tells the others, "I've seen what the Witch can do."). Peter (William Moseley) and Susan (Anna Popplewell), alas, do not fare as well; they are stiff, awkward, and wooden compared to their siblings. Fortunately, this is only a minor problem.

What I'm really impressed by are the inhabitants of Narnia. Aslan (voiced terrifically by Liam Neeson) looks great, as do the Beavers, the Fox (Rupert Everett), and the assorted animals and fantasy creature. But especially the Beavers. They add greatly to the enjoyment of the film, and Ray Winstone and Dawn French are clearly having fun as the voices. Tilda Swinton is awesome as the White Witch, and she relishes getting a chance to play a figure of pure evil.

Director Andrew Adamson (both the 'Shrek' films) handles all this material nicely, even if the kids get a little annoying once in a while. 'Narnia' is no 'Lord of the Rings' or 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'; it's clearly intended for family audiences. This doesn't hurt the film, though, and it's a highly enjoyable fantasy adventure.

The Pacifier (2005)

Oh, dear God, the pain....

[1/10 · 3 December 2005]

'The Pacifier' qualifies as one of the biggest disasters I've ever seen. It is also Vin Diesel's worst movie. Now, I like Diesel. He's been uber-cool in movies like 'XxX' and 'The Chronicles Of Riddick'. But this is just... embarrassing. The movie fails on every level.

The movie is obviously a 'Kindergarten Cop' ripoff: Big tough Navy SEAL guy (Diesel) gets stuck with a babysitting assignment. I can imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger doing this material (and better), but Vin Diesel just looks lost throughout the entire film. 'The Pacifier' commits a number of movie sins, but its most glaring is that it is criminally unfunny. Folks, I didn't even crack a smile watching this travesty. The rest is just stupid family movie clichés: Diesel and the kids hate each other, Diesel is subjected to unfunny slapstick, they start to "bond", and the movie gets gooey.

This is a waste of celluloid, my time, and parents' money. Parents who subject their kids to films like this instead of classics like 'E.T.' should be labeled child abusers.

The Secret of NIMH (1982)

Fairly sophisticated animated fantasy...

[10/10 · 14 November 2005]

'The Secret of NIMH' was Don Bluth's first film. Bluth defected from Disney when they said that 'NIMH' was 'too dark' for the studio. So, Bluth and about 20 other animators went off and made it for MGM. The end result is a fairly sophisticated animated fantasy that is a highly entertaining counterpoint to the films of Disney.

While kids will enjoy 'NIMH' for characters like Jeremy the clumsy crow (voiced by Bluth regular Dom DeLuise), teenagers and adults will get more out of it due to the interesting story involving superintelligent rats. Make no mistake, though; Bluth is no Ralph Bakshi. While there is blood, violence, and at least one curse word, Don Bluth doesn't even come close to the ultraviolent, ultrasexual antics of Bakshi.

The animation is great, with extremely expressive characters that represent a fantasy vision of the animal world rather than the 'real world'. The voice acting is excellent, and the presence of Derek Jacobi as the voice of the old wise rat Nicodemus does not overwhelm the film. Jacobi is excellent, of course, but so is DeLuise and the late Elizabeth Hartman, who expertly voices the heroic mouse Mrs. Brisby.

All in all, 'The Secret Of NIMH' is a great animated film that jumpstarted the career of Don Bluth (who did not make another 'great' film for some time).

Silverado (1985)

"Let's get 'em!"

[10/10 · 22 October 2005]

That one line from Jake (Kevin Costner) as he, Paden (Kevin Kline), Emmett (Scott Glenn), and Mal (Danny Glover) are riding into town for the last battle against a corrupt sheriff (Brian Dennehy) exemplifies everything that is great about 'Silverado'. It's a high-spirited adventure that is fun, does not take itself too seriously (well, maybe a little), and cheerfully reenacts Western clichés. It's the kind of movie where you can tell the actors had fun making it, and you have fun too.

The acting is uniformly excellent. Kevin Kline, Scott Glenn, and Danny Glover all bring quiet dignity as well as low-key humor to their roles, but it's Kevin Costner who impressed me the most. As Glenn's cocky young brother, Costner doesn't even bother to contain his glee at being in a Western. He gives the most fun performance in the movie, and it's good to see a younger Costner not taking himself nearly as seriously as he does now. The supporting cast has some nice players: John Cleese shows up as a fair-minded sheriff who seems to have walked over from a Monty Python skit; Academy Award-winner Linda Hunt ('The Year Of Living Dangerously') steals scenes as a strong-willed bar owner who Kevin Kline befriends; and Brian Dennehy is thoroughly slimy as the villain.

The action is fun, and director Lawrence Kasdan shows a gift for this material (granted, he was the person who wrote 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'), and the screenplay (also by Kasdan) is joyous in the way it resurrects the Western. The movie also has one of the best action scores I've ever heard by Bruce Broughton, and I was humming the title theme as the movie concluded.

'Silverado' is a shining example of the Western genre, and it stands as one of the greatest pure entertainment Westerns ever made.

Ladyhawke (1985)

A great fantasy romance marred only by a TERRIBLE score

[9/10 · 14 October 2005]

'Ladyhawke' is a gorgeously realized fantasy romance movie with great performances, some good swordfights, and endearing characters. There is one minor flaw: the god-awful soundtrack. A few 80's fantasies have a strange techno-pop score that just doesn't fit in well with the tone; Ridley Scott's dark and moody epic 'Legend' had a score by Tangerine Dream, 'The Neverending Story' had terrible music, as did 'Labyrinth. Other fantasy films, like 'The Dark Crystal', 'Willow', and 'The Princess Bride', are great and they do NOT have a pop score. Ladyhawke belongs to the former category. It's not perfect, but it almost gets there.

The performances in this tale of love are great. Action-adventure is not a genre Matthew Broderick inhabits comfortably (see his awful acting in the 1998 'Godzilla' for proof), but he is very charming and often funny here. Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfieffer make a very good pair of doomed lovers, and Hauer is particularly focused and intense. There is an almost unbearably sad scene where the two lovers almost touch at sunrise, and Hauer's howl of pain at the end of the scene caps it perfectly. The late Leo McKern ('A Man For All Seasons') has a lot of fun as the irascible Father Imperius.

'Ladyhawke' is a great 80's fantasy movie, and it falls just short of immortality due to the terrible music. Otherwise, it rocks!

The Haunted Mansion (2003)

Actually not half-bad.

[8/10 · 14 October 2005]

'The Haunted Mansion' got a lot of bombs thrown at it by critics, and almost nobody liked it. Well, guess what: I did. It's a faithful homage to the ride, the actors are interesting, and the horror side of the story is appropriately creepy. The plot is partially based on the French version of the ride, and it's decent. Although the movie never answers the question of why Master Gracey (Nathaniel Parker, who's really good here) couldn't marry his sweetheart Elizabeth (who was black), the hints are pretty obvious. And I liked the whole concept of the curse (even though it doesn't make any sense). The little nods to the ride throughout the movie are fun, especially Jennifer Tilly as Madame Leota, a disembodied head inside a crystal ball who speaks in riddles. Tilly can do this husky-voiced role in her sleep, and I liked her (the special effects involving her are pretty neat too). Although Eddie Murphy is miscast, and there are zero laughs in the movie, his mugging for the camera doesn't hurt the movie. The kids are OK, and Marsha Thomason does what she can with a thankless role, but it's Terence Stamp who steals the movie. He is Ramsley, the sinister butler of Master Gracey. With his deep rumbling British accent, Stamp gives a deliciously over-the-top performance, and he does here what Johnny Depp did for 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. Back to Eddie Murphy for a minute: Although he earns no laughs, he plays noncomedic scenes well, and he has some good banter with Stamp. The production design of the mansion and the ghostly special effects are very cool, particularly a zombie attack that pushes the PG rating to it's limits. Is 'The Haunted Mansion' a great movie? Absolutely not; they could have punched up the comedy aspect of the movie. It's not a bad movie, though. I thought it was very entertaining, and it's certainly better than the awful trailers. Not as good as 'Pirates', but a fun ride nonetheless.

The Fairly OddParents: Channel Chasers (2003) Season 4, Episode 8

The best 'Fairly Oddparents' movie ever!

[10/10 · 5 September 2005]

'Channel Chasers' is the best 'Fairly Oddparents' TV movie that Butch Hartman and his team have cranked out.

What I really like about this movie is its epic scale. It opens in a Terminatoresque dystopian future where Vicky, Timmy's evil babysitter and eternal nemesis, has taken over the world. She sends a ninja back in time to destroy Timmy (sound familiar?). In the present, Timmy has a particularly bad day, his parents are mad at him, and Vickey frames him for stuff he didn't do. Bitter and cynical, Timmy wishes for a magic remote that he can use to escape into television. It's here where the story takes off. The masked ninja from the future is revealed to be... Timmy! Yes, it's Timmy Turner, 20 years from now, with the voice of Alec Baldwin! I'm surprised Baldwin did this; I didn't know he had it in him. Now Adult Timmy and 10 year-old Timmy must team up to stop Vicky, who also has a magic remote, from reaching this movie's version of the History Channel, where 'Dictator Week' is playing.

The TV show parodies are hilarious; EVERYTHING that either I or (more likely) Butch Hartman watched as a kid are mercilessly ribbed. There is also some real poignancy when Cosmo and Wanda tell Timmy that when he grows up, he will not only lose them, his memory of them will be erased! And there's a touching scene near the end when Adult Timmy Turner is about to "fade" back into the future. It all adds up to a spectacular and hilarious finale where the fate of the world is in Timmy's hands.

Channel Chasers ROCKS! I loved it.