ebert747 Reviews

Jungle Cruise (2021)

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire...

[3/10 · 15 November 2021]

... critics who wrote this was good.... Pants... 2021 CGI looks 5-10 years pre-Jungle Book (2016)... Pants... One of the worst love story subplots you'll see... Pants... Soundtrack so on the nose, my nose was left bloodied... Pants... I think there was the equivalent of a big explosion at the end via riverboat... pants... U-boat navigating a river... pants... Apparently not OK to use native stereotypes, but German stereotypes A-OK... pants... Copying the brother from the Mummy but not as well... Pants... Why are there two sets of villains? Pants. Did our heros leave the male lead's adopted brother who had been tortured for hundreds of years to eternal torture? That brother having started his quest to save his young daughter. This movie is Pants.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)

5/10

[5/10 · 13 November 2021]

Waited to watch this for no extra cost on Disney+. Kind of a chore to sit through, way too much CGI to engage you (might as well watch Raya if I'm in the mood for that). Akawafina and Kingley let me awake.

Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)

Fast Forward

[3/10 · 16 January 2021]

I had to fast forward at least twice when John McLane disappeared for several minutes, too busy for its own good.

Chinatown (1974)

Averagetown

[5/10 · 19 July 2020]

A couple too many plot twists leave you losing interest in unraveling the mystery at least a half hour before the end. Our hero's plan is to swerve the cops a half dozen times then he effectively says "Why won't you believe me?" at the end? With Nicholson having to limit his natural charisma in the role, the leading lady and the obvious 'big bad' really lacked charisma leaving this a bland imitation of better films from earlier decades.

Needful Things (1993)

Skip This

[1/10 · 3 November 2018]

One of the worst movies you'll ever see... would have to cut down the number of book characters to do something workable instead it's most of the plot points in a rush without any character development... the ending has to be the sheriff outsmarting the Devil figure somehow but it's a Michael Bay style explosion finale... This movie stinks.

The Amityville Horror (1979)

Hour & Half of Unanswered Questions

[3/10 · 3 November 2017]

Really never gets started nor goes anywhere. There was one actually scary sequence where the business partner's wife starts speaking in the priest's voice, something about her eyes and the look on her face. Nothing else of any value. Ends like they ran out of money and just stopped with everything unanswered.

Is the house itself haunted or are there ghost(s)? What's the deal with the well? What is the dog after? Does the house have unlimited powers across the whole town, the whole state? Why did I spend 15:00 of such a short film watching characters trying and failing to have telephone calls? What was the point of the kid's imaginary friend? What happens to the business partner, his wife, the priest, the Vietnam vet? No one (the characters, nor the viewer) knows or cares by the end.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Really Dumb Movie

[2/10 · 11 August 2009]

All the plot changes, as detailed by others, were for the worse; really none of the characters were as colorful or interesting as their 1980s cartoon counterparts with Duke being the blandest of the bland with an actor 10-15 years too young for his part. The CGI was shockingly poor for a sure summer blockbuster. The final battle was so bad Austin Powers could have joined in the attack.

The hot English actress in black leather was done much better in Underworld. Cobra Commander seemed lifted from Scarecrow in Batman Begins which did a similar villain much better.

A really dumb movie overall. Storm Shadow's face is almost always visible? Two missiles launched in opposite directions across the world can be run down by one plane?? All the Cobra officers and higher-ups are under the control of nanobots??? DUMB!!!!

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008 Video)

The Scorpion King 2: Stinkeroo

[2/10 · 29 November 2008]

I rented this as the producers surely intended solely to see Randy Couture. Maybe he'd be fine as a seldom speaking hero, but he made a awful villain here. I think most of the rest of the cast was snagged on their way back to the parking lot after failing at try-outs for a High School Musical sequel.

Thought this would at least have some good fight scenes but the fighting was even worse than the CGI which was dreadful, Power Rangers or Buffy Vampire Slayer level stuff. Worst movie of this type I've seen. This isn't worth your money even if you can rent it from Redbox for $1.00

King Kong (2005)

Give Me King Homer

[2/10 · 1 April 2006]

The good parts of this were average and the bad parts were awful. Naomi Watts did pretty well, and I enjoyed Jack Black's Orson Wells type character. The natives did look like leftover Orcs as others have mentioned. Everyone other than the 3 main characters, excluding Kong, were cannon fodder. More over-the-top ridiculous action than three Michael Bay movies. See the 2 crews (one of sailors on land and a film crew carrying film equipment) run underfoot weaving through a stampede of 2 ton dinosaurs with raptors running through the mix and almost all of them survive, even after a 20 dino pile-up, what garbage! Also see Kong fighting 3 T-Rex's hand to hand while juggling Watts with his hands and feet. Homer Simpson's portrayal of Kong was far superior.