BloodTheTelepathicDog Reviews

Shriek of the Mutilated (1974)

Yetis are a tad eccentric

[5/10 · 15 July 2023]

Popular professor, Dr. Prell (Alan Brock) is obsessed with finding and thus proving the existence of bigfoot, believing that his reputation is on the line should he fail. He recruits four of his best and brightest students to assist him in his latest expedition: the smug prick Tom (Jack Neubeck), the annoying wallflower Lynn (Darcy Brown), the doctor's sycophantic protege Keith ( Michael Harris) and Keith's emotional girlfriend Karen (Jennifer Stock). The night prior to their departure, Tom, Lynn and Karen witness an insane tirade given by a former professor, and one time associate of Dr. Prell's, Spencer St. Clair (Tom Grail) who warns the trio of Prell's mad ambitions.

Prell leads the quartet to Boot Island, where a colleague, Karl Werner (Tawn Ellis) lives with his mute Indian companion, Laughing Crow (Ivan Agar). Karl regales them with tales of a possible yeti encounter on the island as Prell is convinced that the creature resides in the caves on the island. But ambition and the desire to impress their professor blinds the students from Prell and Werner's true intent.

STORY $$$: This is certainly a B-picture, but there's talent involved. The plot is a nifty bit of legerdemain, not giving away too much early on before the big twist presented at the climax. There's conflict, but this could have been handled better. Keith is clearly Dr. Prell's preferred student, which unsettles Karen, for the lovely coed finds that Keith is more interested brown-nosing with the doctor, for the advantages involved, than pursuing something more meaningful with his girl. And once it becomes apparent that their lives are in jeopardy, Karen stands up to Prell, only to get knocked down by the professor, while Keith cowardly refuses to aid her. The character of Keith could have been given more, for his conflict is the strongest, with his relationship with Karen and his mentor-protege affiliation with Prell.

ACTING $$: It's Ivan Agar who stands out, but not in a good way. He's a brawny fellow, with an intimidating presence, but his Laughing Crow comes off as more laughable than threatening. Jennifer Stock does a quality job as Karen, initially a tad irksome, playing Karen as an emotional clinging vine, but as the film progresses Stock gets to showcase her range as she becomes the damsel in distress. She secures the viewers empathy quite well.

SEX/NUDITY: none.

Devil Rider (1991 Video)

Smells a trifle gamey

[2/10 · 13 July 2023]

The devil, perhaps, terrorizes some country acreage, killing anyone traipsing upon "his" land. The law catches him and hangs him, but that didn't kill our titular villain, who goes into pseudo retirement for 100 years until a gaggle of real estate developers visit his tract of land. The killings pile up again.

Billed as a horror-western, this turkey is neither, for it fits well into the unintentional comedy genre. The villain isn't terribly menacing, the characters are devoid of much character and the film as a whole is listless and cliched. There really isn't anything here to be recommended.

STORY $: Atrocious! It would have been more appealing had the film stayed in the Old West, rather than transplanting it to modern times. In so doing, we have the tired Hollywood cliches of city folk belittling country folk, the old eccentric who foretells doom and standard stereotypes that the players fall in. The worst part about this film is the ghastly, juvenile dialogue. After one character gets killed, hours later, they decide to move her corpse to another room, to which the aforementioned cantankerous eccentric, Zeb (Wayne Douglass) says, " Good idea. She's smelly pretty gamey." As for the title villain, the Devil Rider (Tag Groat), he may have the Mel Blanc diabolical laugh mastered, but menacing he isn't. He seems to take a shine to Janet (Lee Knight), the floozy of the developer group, peeping at her at intervals, and when he abducts her, he massages his need for mayhem by... scratching her with a stick! I guess that's how Ol' Scratch gets his kicks.

ACTING $: I generally cut actors some slack when they're shackled to a terrible script, but nobody in this picture has much business pursuing the thespian profession. There's nobody in the cast worth singling out.

SEX/NUDITY $: The Devil Rider goes all peeping tom and watches Janet shower, then keeps spying on her as she gets intimate in a barn with some bloke who's barely been introduced.

Girls School Screamers (1985)

By the numbers

[5/10 · 11 July 2023]

GIRLS SCHOOL SCREAMERS is a perfect example of a standard haunted house flick. You have your cliched characters, your bumps in the night, your run of the mill offings and a typical denouement. There's really nothing in this movie that will have you talking about it with your friends. Likewise, there isn't much to gripe about either. This is simply standard fare; all but forgotten after viewing.

Here we have seven of the best and brightest students at the local all girls college assigned to catalogue the belongings in the old Welles Mansion, left to the school after the passing of wealthy bachelor Tyler Welles (Charles Braun). The estate, however, is regarded by the locals as haunted, for Tyler's niece died within the mansion under cloudy circumstances. When the girls decide to play with a ouija board their first night in the mansion, they slowly get picked off one by one.

STORY: $$ At face value, the story seems to be a plus, with a handful of girls staying a weekend at a haunted house, but the script has its share of weakness. First, characterization is altogether absent. Two of the girls, the rebellious Liz (Sharon Christopher) and the put-upon Rosemary (Monica Antonucci) hate each other, but this dynamic isn't adequately worked with. Then the characters seem to trade personalities, with the vocal Adelle (Marcia Hinton) eventually assuming Rosemary's put-upon character. But where the script really let's the viewer down is with the mother hen of the girls, Jackie (Mollie O'Mara) who is a dead ringer for Tyler Welles' niece Jennifer, who haunts the mansion. The chaperone, Sister Mary Urban (Vera Gallagher) knew Jennifer Welles well, who served as her mentor when Jennifer attended the school three decades prior, but nothing is made of Sister Urban's connection with Jennifer and Jackie.

ACTING: $$ Nothing of note here, as the actresses all play their roles adequately. Relative no-names all, nobody truly stands out in the cast. Mollie O'Mara is serviceable as the lead and she seems to be the only cast member who went on to do other work. Mari Butler as Kate and Karen Krevitz as Susan should have had their characters fleshed out more in the script, for the playful Kate was really the most interesting of the schoolgirls, and Karen Krevitz did the best job among the cast when it came to displaying dread.

SEX/NUDITY: none.

Blades (1989)

The PGA Tour was never like this!

[5/10 · 9 July 2023]

Starring a bunch of unknowns, this Eighties horror-comedy is pure cheese, but it entertains for the entire runtime. The premise is basic, if not bonkers, with a possessed old lawnmower slicing its way through Tall Grass Country Club. The mayhem couldn't have come at a more inopportune time, for the course is set to host a nationally televised golf tournament.

The club's manager, Mr. Osgood (Bill Towner) downplays the carnage, determined to kick off the tournament no matter what. New golf pro, Roy Kent (Robert North) has his hands full with his new job, trying to keep the golfers safe from a murderous mower while dodging the advances of Mr. Osgood's wife Beatrice (Holly Stevenson) and winning over his new assistant Kelly (Victoria Scott) who had been promised his position. But only one person can help him send the devil's lawnmower to the eternal junkyard, the course's former greenskeeper, Deke Slade (Jeremy Whelan).

STORY $$$: You won't see anything like this! The concept of machines taking on a life of their own and terrorizing their handlers is nothing new, but watching a young caddy, in the midst of play, searching for a golf ball in the brush, and thus getting bloodily dispatched by a Club Cadet is wild stuff. The final battle between man and machine is inventive.

ACTING $$: This isn't quite amateur hour but it's pretty close. Whelan gives the best performance as the no nonsense ex-employee of Tall Grass and Scott gives a quality performance as the ambitious Kelly Lang. The lead, Robert North, however is terribly wooden, but it doesn't really hamper the film that much. This is his only acting credit as he did more production work during his film career than acting.

SEX/NUDITT: none.

Scream Bloody Murder (2003 Video)

Pleasant surprise

[6/10 · 2 July 2023]

Given the low IMDB user rating, I went into this horror-comedy with rather minimal expectations, but found this to be an entertaining movie, albeit extremely cheesy. This was clearly designed to be an absurd direct-to-video release--not something to be taken seriously, but to be enjoyed for its aloofness. And it certainly is aloof, but with plenty amusing one-liners and quips.

That old horror film cliche of young, sex-starved students stranded in an unfamiliar setting is used, with classmates from an all girls school, en route to a dance, breakdown and get picked off one by one at a large, isolated junkyard. We have all the standard caricatures, with the confrontational prude Parker (Brittany Montgomery), the blonde bimbo Honey (Priscilla Ross), the bashful virgin Shay (Gloria Balding), the lipstick lesbian Candy (Missy Weinger), the goth girl Star (Nicole Andris) and the mysterious new girl Monique (Anna Florence). The girls bicker and in-fight, but must put aside their differences if they want to survive the night.

STORY $$: No new ground is charted with the story, but some witty dialogue sprinkled throughout the film gives this more character than you'd expect. One example is when the girls feel they should stick together for safety's sake, they all go to the bathroom, and the boy-obsessed Honey can't go with others watching, to which Shay the virgin quips, "I should think you wouldn't have any problems performing with your panties around your ankles." The storyline gives us plenty of suspects, with the awkward junkyard proprietor Hank (Jon Sayles), and any one of the students could be the killer, as well as their chaperone Miss Beaver (Tara Thomson) and their bus driver Beaumont (Drew Droege).

ACTING $$$: Surprisingly good, all around. Each young actress does a solid job lampooning their cliched character. Gloria Balding is effectively shy and uncultured as the never-been-touched Shay, while Priscilla Ross is equally effective as the touched-by-many Honey. Brittany Montgomery is quite commanding as the uppity, off-putting Parker and Tara Thomson is solid as the repressed Miss Beaver. Missy Weinger stands out as the spoiled daddy's-little-girl whose sexual proclivities are the worst kept secret at school.

NUDITY: None. This could be the reason for the low user rating on this site. Fans of cheesy B-horror comedies often expect some skin, a la Barbara Crampton in the classic RE-ANIMATOR, but aside from the short skirts and some underwear modeling, there's nothing titillating here.

Dixie Dynamite (1976)

Well, at least there's Warren Oates

[3/10 · 19 May 2023]

The version I watched of DIXIE DYNAMITE was heavily edited--trimmed by about ten minutes--so maybe the film in its complete version is better. However, there really isn't much going on in this film. Two Georgia girls, Dixie (Jane Anne Johnstone) and Patsy Eldridge (Kathy McHaley) adopt a Bluegrass Robin Hood aura after their moonshiner pa is killed by the local corrupt police force. The police are in the hip pocket of booze baron Mr. McCutchen (Stan Adams) who uses the fuzz to help him drive out the rural moonshiners so that he can have a monopoly on distributing shine. The Eldridge girls decide to toss the proverbial monkeywrench, in the form of dynamite, in McCutchen's plans and thus give power back to the small time moonrunners. The premise sounds appealing, but the finished product is lacking in entertainment value.

STORY $: The script offers nothing. There's a noticeable absence of exposition, for the viewer is suddenly thrust into one of the girls' schemes without any buildup or frame of reference. Perhaps the unedited version isn't as sporadic and aimless, but the version I viewed, continuity is altogether absent. Also, one would expect a little more emotion from the girls, whose father was murdered, but their explosive antics come off more as some form of leisure pursuit rather than getting even for the untimely death of their pa.

ACTING $$: There are some familiar faces, like Warren Oates as the girls' racer pal Mack, who give quality support, but like one viewer mentioned, you could remove Mack from the script and the story really wouldn't lose anything. Christopher George is fine as the local sheriff and R. G. Armstrong gives his typically strong performance, playing the compromised bank manager. The real weakness of this film are the two leads, Johnstone and McHaley, who, not surprisingly, haven't any other acting credits on their resume. Both are attractive, but their performances come off as listless. McHaley is altogether lifeless in her climatic scene where she's alone with trigger-happy deputy Frank (Wes Bishop), while Johnstone, the better of the two actresses, is laughably unconvincing during their big bank holdup.

SEX/NUDITY: None.

If you're looking for an enjoyable film with roughly the same premise, I'd encourage you to seek out MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS, starring Susan Howard and Maureen McCormick.

Mark of the Witch (1970)

Who forgot to call Frankie & Annette?

[5/10 · 23 April 2023]

A witch movie set in the groovy late-Sixties, with a bunch of awe-shucks college kids, putting aside their beach blankets for a night to muck around with witchcraft.

Those of short attention spans will miss out on some of the interesting material in this B-movie, for watching MARK OF THE WITCH is like turning on a baseball game and finding the home team down 8-to-0 in the first inning. Most folks would change the channel rather than endure a drubbing, but the horrendous opening scene and the worst "song" ever played during credits, will give way to a mildly entertaining witch themed diversion.

The lovely coed Jill (Anitra Walsh), sweet as apple pie and the perfect portrait of the girl-next-door, finds a book on witchcraft at a university book sale. She buys the book, takes it to a party with all her hepcat friends, and playfully calls forth the spirit of a witch. All is done in fun and jest, but a witch, dead some 300 years, is indeed summoned and takes residence in Jill's nubile body. The witch has mayhem in store for this buttoned-up college.

STORY $$: Nothing terribly inventive is unveiled in this flick, which hinders the overall viewing experience. What the witch has in store is anyone's guess, for she saunters out to a grove at night, calls forth her coven, but no other witches or warlocks rear their heads. She makes a few sacrifices, explodes a caged bird and tries to seduce a professor... standard witch stuff, you know.

ACTING $$: This is pretty much all Anitra Walsh. Surprisingly, this is Miss Walsh's only film credit of any substance. She shows a rather remarkable skill for soliloquies, camera up close on her profile, as she calls out to her coven in the netherworld. She proves more than capable of carrying a picture, with the aptitude for acting and a screen presence that is casual, like one doing exactly what they were put on this earth to do.

SEX/NUDITY $$: While calling out to her heinous, devil-worshiping cronies at midnight, Jill gets aroused and lets her breasts have some night air. A body double for Anitra Walsh was almost certainly used.

Sounds of Silence (1989)

Ghost Orphan Children

[6/10 · 23 April 2023]

A struggling, immature Los Angeles-based photographer named Peter (Peter Nelson) discovers that he has inherited an estate from a distant relative in Sweden. His girlfriend Sarah (Kristen Jensen) has just completed her latest novel, so Peter, aware that she could use some R&R, suggests they take a vacation overseas to evaluate what he has inherited. Sarah agrees, but the primary hangup in their relationship is Peter's role with Sarah's deaf and mute son, Dennis (Dennis Castillo). Sarah muses to Peter, who has a habit of teasing Dennis, that her son needs a father figure and not a big brother. Perhaps a new setting and the responsibility of homeownership will ground the flighty shutterbug.

In Sweden, Peter is astonished to discover that he's inherited an impressive mansion. However, there seems to be a force unseen that interests Dennis, who is drawn to a nearby abandoned orphanage. Dennis mentions that he has befriended a boy named Bill, yet neither Peter nor his mother can see his new friend. They learn that the former owner of the house had a son named Bill who died with a handful of orphans courtesy a disease. Bill and his fellow child specters have a plan for Dennis...

STORY $$$: The haunted orphanage at the center of the story offers plenty material for thrills and chills and makes for an interesting and engaging focus. However, there's a general lack of eerie atmosphere here, for the bumps that occur are often bumps in the day, and not the standard "bumps at night." Be that as it may, this film is rather gripping, thanks to the youthful protagonist, who can neither hear nor verbally communicate with others, rendering him almost adrift, unable to detect when help is on its way.

ACTING $$$: None of the actors really standout, either by giving a great or poor performance. Peter Nelson does a fine job with his man-child character, aware that he is supposed to provide for and protect Dennis, but the boy is akin to the nuisance of a kid brother, and Nelson passes off this sentiment well. Kristen Jensen, a cover girl who shows more talent here than most models-turned-actresses, gives a quality performance. Her acting resume is rather light, but the bombshell proves a more than capable actress.

SEX/NUDITY: None. This is a rather tame ghost flick, albeit the scene where Sarah is assaulted by the deranged handyman, who feels that since he fixed the sink, he's entitled to grab her breasts.

The Platinum Triangle (1990)

Poor Lori Lethin

[2/10 · 18 April 2023]

Lori Lethin was a fine actress who starred in a few entertaining flicks, like BLOODY BIRTHDAY and RETURN TO HORROR HIGH, but this little thriller isn't one to track down. Lori stars as a displaced girl from Big Sky Country, down in the City of Angels, attempting to locate her sister Robin's (Ginger Pollini) killer. Robin was a gold digger, squirreled away in a posh love nest by her millionaire lover, Farber (Troy Donahue), as both were killed, assassination style in bed. Farber was cooking up a deal with business partners Kolter (Harvey Jason) and Roland (Joe Estevez), so when Kolter is killed in the same fashion, Roland becomes suspect number one. Lori goes undercover to bring him to justice, but is he really the killer? Aiding Lori's Karen Masters in her quest are a pair of LA detectives, her lover Brad (Peter Lochran), who tends to share his adult beverages with his dog, and Brad's unfunny clown of a partner, Garth (Alex Courtney).

STORY $$: The framework of the story isn't what hampers this film, for it's pretty much your standard thriller with the typical twists and red herrings. No, what really handicaps this movie is the inane and cliched dialogue, and the use of Garth as the narrator. Imagine if James Caan had a kid brother who aped about in a neverending Jerry Lewis impression, and you'll get a picture of what Alex Courtney's Garth is like. His performance is taxing, to say the least.

ACTING $: The acting is pretty pitiful. Lori Lethin handily gives the best performance here, and Robert Tefler, who plays the sleazy nightclub owner where Troy Donahue and his cronies chased skirts, does a fine job, although it can be argued he was a tad over-the-top. No one else stands out, lest mention need be made once more of how blasted annoying Alex Courtney is as Garth.

SEX/NUDITY: $: There's a little bit of teasing here, but nothing gratuitous. For a movie with plenty of erotic undertones, the erotica is entirely absent.

When Nature Calls (1985)

For the love of bears

[6/10 · 10 March 2023]

This oddity isn't for everyone, but I found it to be enjoyable. It reminds me a lot of a short-lived British sketch comedy, THE STEAM VIDEO COMPANY, with its use of movie trailer lampoons and absurd comedy. Although we don't have the wonderful talents of the STEAM VIDEO cast, which included Bob Todd, Barry Cryer and Madeline Smith, this film has a similar aim: to poke fun at everything while taking nothing whatsoever seriously.

STORY ($$): The story is that tired old tale of a city family, tired of the rat race, who leave it all behind for life in the wilderness. What keeps the film amusing is the steady stream of jokes and gags. Sure, many will elicit a sigh, but there are plenty that will tickle the funnybone. Perhaps the biggest flaw with the story is the forgotten character: the mother (Barbara Marineau) who has pretty much nothing to do. The father (David Orange) reaches his boiling point at work, and relocates wife and kids to the wilderness. The story really belongs to the kids. Little Billy (Nicky Beim), an entrepreneur in the making, tries to make the most of his surroundings, while older sister Bambi (Tina Marie Staiano) has reached sexual maturity, but hasn't any boys to explore her feelings with. So she settles on a bear!

ACTING ($$): There are a few familiar faces in cameo roles, mostly non-actors like former FBI head G. Gordon Liddy and baseball great Willie Mays, while the only recognizable mug is that belonging to the underappreciated David Strathairn, who plays an indian named Weejun, from the Kao-Pectate tribe, that befriends the family. It's the younger cast members that truly shine, though, with Nicky Beim trying to hawk merchandise and keep his youth gambling enterprise intact. Tina Marie Staiano is a naive treat as Bambi, whose burgeoning womanhood attracts an elephant as well as her beloved bear. Her portrayal of vapid innocence is really the standout performance.

SEX/NUDITY (NONE): Bambi's affair with the bear is left for the imagination.

The Student Body (1976)

Drive-in fare

[5/10 · 26 February 2023]

A product of its time, THE STUDENT BODY has a rather absurd premise that was standard for the exploitation genre of the Seventies. Three female inmates, all young and sexy, agree to participate in an experiment at the local university on aggression. The girls are released from jail, but are monitored and have to live with the brainchild of the study, Dr. Blalock (Warren Stevens) and his cash cow wife played by Judith Roberts. This being exploitation cinema, the Blalocks have a strapping college-aged son (Peter Hooten) who takes a shine to the blond, Carrie (Jillian Kesner), while our daft professor assigns three of his horniest male students to monitor each girl individually. The stage is set for plenty sex, but the film, unlike others of this genre, actually veers toward the story rather than the nubile bodies.

STORY ($$): The script is trite, with a few messages tossed in about control and rebellion, but the focus is more on the changes in the three girls as they ingest Dr. Blalock's experimental pills. The pills have a different effect on each girl, making Carrie more confrontational, as she seems to develop a need to argue. Mitzi (June Fairchild) becomes overly emotional, almost regressing to a childlike state, while Chicago (Janice Heiden) becomes uncontrollably concupiscent. Early in the film there was relatively equal treatment between the three female leads, but as the movie progressed, Chicago became the forgotten character.

ACTING ($$$): Nobody really stands out in this film, either by giving a great performance or a terrible one. The three female leads are all fine in their roles. At times it seems that June Fairchild is overacting when Mitzi has one of her flighty fits, but I'd argue that it works for the character.

SEX/NUDITY ($$$): This starts out with all the makings of a grindhouse skin-flick, with June Fairchild skinny-dipping, a group of jealous coeds bathing topless, and Peter Hooten admiring Jillian Kesner's torso, but the movie slowing edges away from the flesh exhibition and focuses on the change in the girls' behavior.

Hellhole (1985)

Twisted Resort Spa for Penthouse Models

[4/10 · 19 February 2023]

This movie might deserve more stars because it accomplished what it clearly set out to do: make an exploitation movie with an asylum setting. Be that as it may, HELLHOLE is an absolute mess of a movie with a weak "final girl" and a convoluted story that seems to covertly establish one pointless gratuitous nude scene after another.

The flimsy story begins with student Susan (Judy Landers) witnessing the murder of her mother. Her mom cabbaged on to some incriminating documents at work, so her boss hired a sadistic hitman named Silk (Ray Sharkey) to get the papers back. However, Silk kills Susan's mother before she delivers the articles, and when he chases Susan to a construction site, she takes a nasty tumble and he assumes she's dead. But Susie hasn't passed on, bodily that is, for her memory has disappeared and she, now an amnesiac, is sent to an asylum to recuperate. Silk is finagled a job as an orderly at said asylum so he can monitor Susan and hopefully retrieve the documents he was hired to reacquire.

Unfortunately for shapely Susie, her new diggings are run by a mad doctor, Dr. Fletcher (Mary Woronov) who uses the more unstable patients as Guinea pigs in her experiments with chemical lobotomies, keeping her trials secret from the staff, save fellow mad scientist Dr. Dane (Marjoe Gortner) and a handful of black clad security brutes, in the abandoned adjoining structure the residents call " Hellhole."

STORY ($): The script is ridiculous. What serves as the impetus for Susie's despair, the documents her mother absconded with, are hardly mentioned the remainder of the film. Silk's presence at the asylum doesn't raise much of an eyebrow, nor does the employ of a moll (Richard Cox, outfitted by Don Johnson's wardrobe manager) eager to expose wrongdoing at the sanitarium. Apparently the filmmakers just wanted the audience to turn their minds off and enjoy the mayhem and never ending supply of female nudity. Unfortunately, the mayhem is weak but the unadorned women are in ample supply

ACTING ($$): The only reason I gave the acting two dollars instead of one is the work of Mary Woronov. A classic B-movie villainess, Mary steals the show as a morbid scientist who seems to work only to get her jollies off rather than to help people. Likewise, Ray Sharkey was convincingly sinister as Silk. Robert Z'Dar is good as Mary's primary muscle, while Richard Cox is serviceable as the hero. Judy Landers, bless her, sure does give it the good ol' college try, but the airheaded, vacant of deliberation schtick that worked so well for her as Dan Tanna's shiftless bimbo on VEGA$ is pure drudgery here. Exploitation icon Dyanne Thorne pops up briefly and Marjoe Gortner has little to do until the climax.

NUDITY ($$$$$): The supply is neverending! Edy Williams, another veteran of exploitation flicks, is clothed for about 5% of her screen time. Most of the young actresses playing mental patients slip out of their standard patient's garments with little provocation.

Blood Bride (1980)

Box art misrepresentation

[7/10 · 2 February 2023]

Viewers who went into this film expecting something akin to an Argento or Bava horror flick were certainly disappointed, but if you take the movie for what it is, a psychological thriller, you'll be pleasantly surprised. All the film can offer is suspense and thrills, for from the opening scene, we know John McPherson is a creep with a morbid fascination with nuns. What keeps the viewer engrossed is his new bride Marie's discoveries and despair.

Marie (Ellen Barber) is a lovely, old-fashioned woman in her upper-twenties, living at home with her folks because her mother needs help caring for her ill father. Marie spends her days working as a secretary for kind Mr. Stern ( Joseph Sullivan) but there's something missing in her life. She knows exactly what it is, even with her father's constant inquiries into her stagnant love life. She finds her man in gentlemanly but eccentric antique book dealer, John McPherson (Philip English) who she meets at Mr. Stern's office. They quickly marry, then Marie finds out the type of monster she has accepted for a husband when they retreat to his family estate in the country where he isolates her and abuses her.

STORY $$$$: The foundation of the story isn't new, for they've been making movies about tormented wives for ages, but the framework of the story is endearing. Marie's father (Sam Gray) may be a bit meddlesome and overbearing in his eagerness to see his daughter married, but he's a man torturing himself, fearful that Marie will end up a sad old spinster because she sacrificed her youth to care for him. So his interest in seeing her wed is not only for Marie's own good, but for his as well, to bury his guilt. There's also the dynamic of John's morbidity, obsessing and sexualizing nuns, that Marie discovers. John is a monster, but he was a monster created when he was sexually abused as a child. Then there's a nice touch on the wedding night, when Marie & John are home, after the nuptials, she gets up from bed, alone in the bedroom and yet outfitted in her wedding dress, when a police siren is heard driving by their townhouse while she prepares to get undressed. That siren was an alarm for things to come in Marie's life, but she was heedless to its warning.

ACTING $$$: The acting is quite good all around, with Ellen Barber standing out. I've only seen her in one other role, as an insane mother in THE PREMONITION, and watching her work, her full surrender to her parts, can be gut-wrenching. The despair she is able to convey, issuing such raw shrieks and sobs, makes the viewer more invested in her well-being than it otherwise would be with a more standard actress in the role.

SEX/NUDITY $$: John's unhealthy interests in nuns forbids him from being intimate with his wife on their wedding night, but he has flashbacks of a Sister Mary (Jocelyn Javits) who took a more than sisterly interest in him when he was a boy.

The Premonition (1975)

Psycho mom wants her girl back

[6/10 · 1 February 2023]

The Bennetts, college rofessor Miles (Edward Bell) and his wife Sheri (Sharon Farrell) have raised an adoptive girl (Danielle Brisebois) from infancy. Sheri is the only mommy little Janie has ever known. Her biological mother, however, wants her back, having Janie stripped from her when she was committed to a mental institute.

At the asylum, Andrea (Ellen Barber), Janie's mother, met Jude ( Richard Lynch), who carries a torch for Andrea and has been searching for the little girl since his release from the asylum. As a carnival clown, Jude covers a lot of ground, and he reaches out to Andrea, shortly after her release, when he finally locates the girl. They plan to kidnap Janie, but when their plan backfires, Andrea regresses tremendously, treating a plastic doll like her own child, which ignites Jude's violent temper.

STORY $$$$: The title of the film comes from the link Sheri and Andrea share as mothers to Janie. Andrea has the unique ability of telepathy, and constantly torments Sheri with unsettling images. Sheri's husband reaches out to a parapsychologist (Chitra Neogy) in his department, who he has a schoolboy crush on, and she assists the Bennetts in overcoming Andrea's nightmarish influence. The story will keep your interest with the occasional twist and bump in the night. As for Andrea's mental instability, the police investigator (Jeff Corey) learns that she, a classically trained pianist, was institutionalized for playing a concert nude. If that's all it took to get thrust in a padded cell, 90% of today's female popstars would be right there with Andrea!

ACTING $$$: The acting is generally solid all around, with Farrell and Barber standing out. I'd match Sharon Farrell with any actress in history when it comes to conveying anguish and despair. She wears a woebegone appearance second to none. Ellen Barber, an unknown to me, gave quite a captivating performance, expertly pulling off a complicated role in Andrea. She's at times vulnerable, and volatile at others, and Ellen never crosses that line into overacting. Richard Lynch, whose resume for villains can be exhausting, is terrific as Jude, who wants to love Andrea but is tormented by her instability. I never thought Lynch got the credit he deserved as an actor, for most people seem to remember his appearance as a burn victim more than his obvious skills as a thespian.

SEX/NUDITY: None.

Don't Go in the House (1979)

From the "Video Nasty" vault

[6/10 · 30 January 2023]

For years I balked at watching this movie because I've read about how gruesome it is, but I decided to give it a chance and was pleasantly surprised. It's reputation was sealed during one scene, where our villain barbecues a girl with a flamethrower. Yes, it's a disturbing scene, of course, but the film as a whole is pretty tame by today's standards.

Young Donny Kohler (Dan Grimaldi) is a deeply troubled young man, whose fixation for fire stems from his insane mother trying to burn the evil out of him as a child. At work in a machine shop, a co-worker is severely burned, while Donny just watches him flail about enflamed like he's watching paint dry. His boss berates him for doing nothing to help the guy, then when Donny returns home that night, he finds his mother dead in her sitting chair. These events set Donny off, leading to him abducting young lovelies and cooking them over an open flame.

STORY $$$: Themes of PSYCHO are borrowed heavily, so much so that you expect Donny to perform his wicked deeds in drag, outfitted in his mother's clothes. Fortunately the story didn't rip off the classic that bad. What's missing is a better understanding of the mother. She upbraids young Donny for being evil, but we never get any indication of wicked play from little Donny. She's clearly insane, holding the boy's arms over a lit gas stove, but a little more background on crazy ol' ma would have been helpful.

ACTING $$$: The cast are mostly unknowns. Star Dan Grimaldi went on to appear in a number of episodes of THE SOPRANOS, and he does a pretty good job here. He's effectively antisocial and awkward, making the character an outcast. He never fails to hold your attention. The supporting cast do fine work. Donny's only friend at work, Bobby (Robert Carnegie) does a fine job as a concerned buddy who also hides a wicked side of his own, albeit one less destructive than Donny's. Johanna Brashay, in her only film role, is convincing as a guarded, somewhat uppity salesgirl who is Donny's first victim.

SEXUALITY/NUDITY $$$: Brashay had the unenviable task of being bound fully nude, arms tied together above her head, in the movie's infamous flamethrower scene. Asked to accept such an uncompromising position may have been why Johanna was never heard from again.

The Stick Up (1977)

The love of a bonny lass will set you free!

[7/10 · 11 December 2022]

Remembered foremost for his television work on the buddy cop series STARSKY & HUTCH, David Soul stars in an altogether different odd couple story in THE STICK UP. Soul plays a displaced American in England who has an armored car job all lined up with three Brits, but along the way he gets attached to a diner waitress running away from a dead-end situation, played by Pamela McMyler. Whereas Soul butted heads often as Hutch with his pal Starsky, his relationship with McMyler's Rosie is a bit more contentious. Neither one is honest and forthright, but together their deficiencies might erode and a positive union could be the end result.

STORY ($$$): The script doesn't really offer anything new, for it's the standard romantic-comedy with crime mixed in. Soul's Duke must decide whether the love of Rosie is more valuable to him than the riches transported in the armored car he's determined to rob. There are some nice comedic elements in the story, with the banter between Soul and McMyler typically entertaining.

ACTING ($$$$): STARSKY & HUTCH began as a quality buddy cop series, but as the show evolved, it went cheeseball and the stories were low-rent. I always got the impression that Soul didn't like the direction the series went, and his acting in the later episodes suffered for it. In THE STICK UP, however, David shines, giving a brilliant, standout performance as a man determined to make it, albeit in an underhanded manner. His attitude changes as he begins to realize the attachment he has with Rosie is something akin to connubial. Pamela McMyler is an absolute treat as Rosie, who can be a frank Irish spitfire one minute and a meek damsel the next. She gets plenty material to shine in the script, from pasting a meddlesome child with mashed potatoes to her outrageous mud wrestling scene with a woman twice her size. The fear and trepidation Pamela expresses upon meeting the Amazon will make you laugh, but you'll be left in stitches when she looses her spitfire in the ring, scratching and pulling her opponent's hair!

SEX/NUDITY ($): There's a bathing in the river scene after the mud wrestling exposition with Soul & McMyler denuding, but it's tasteful and certainly not gratuitous.

The New Daughters of Joshua Cabe (1976 TV Movie)

Standard TV Western

[6/10 · 8 December 2022]

A sequel to a previous made-for-TV western, THE NEW DAUGHTERS OF JOSHUA CABE stars John McIntire as the titled Josh Cabe, a hardworking homesteader serving as the local community's interim sheriff. Although a rustic, straight-as-an-arrow type, Josh is a bit of a trickster, who "adopts" three miscreant young females to inherit his spread, so that his enemies don't acquire his land. His "daughters" consist of a former prostitute (Dalton), a spitfire with a long arrest record ( Williams) and a coquettish kleptomaniac (Jarrett). However, when a shyster is on to his scheme and attempts blackmail, Josh goes to visit him only to find the man recently stabbed. Cabe is found guilty of the murder and sentenced to hang in 30 days. His daughters are determined to break him out of the territorial jail.

STORY ($$): The script doesn't have any twists or thrills and is basically by-the-numbers. Cabe's girls set to get him out of jail beyond the boundaries of the law, while Josh's chums, Bitterroot (Elam) and Mrs. Cargo (Nolan) attempt the same, albeit within the boundaries of the law. There's a healthy dose of comedy that helps move the picture along as this made-for-TV movie solidly blends the western with the comedy.

ACTING ($$$): The work of the actors helps to elevate this above your run-of-the-mill TV movie. The western veterans, Elam, Nolan and the always entertaining Geoffrey Lewis do well in their support roles, but it's the "daughters" that truly standout. Not familiar faces, the trio have a great rapport with each other and show range as actresses with their screwy schemes to save Josh from the gallows. Liberty Williams is terrific as Charity, the volatile daughter, who gets to go undercover at the prison as a provisions deliverer. Renne Jarrett, who would marry director Bruce Bilson several years after making this picture, is a delight as well, transforming her playful Ada into a buttoned-up, scholastic spinster duping the warden (Dehner, who is terrific in his cameo) into believing that she's interested in writing an expose on him. Dalton's soiled dove, Mae, is the more cerebral of the girls, but she can lose her head around men, like she does when she has a prison guard inspect her "twisted" ankle).

Stalk the Wild Child (1976 TV Movie)

A Hit and Miss Film

[5/10 · 14 October 2012]

Stalk the Wild Child tells the story of a feral child, found by two hunters at the age of eleven, who is removed from his wild home and canine family and placed under the care of civilized humans. David Janssen plays Dr. Hazard who goes against the law and begins treatment for the child he names Cal, with the help of speech therapist Maggie (well played by Trish Van Devere). When the government steps in and informs Dr. Hazard that Cal must be a ward of the state, he makes the rash decision to adopt the boy. With the help of Maggie, Dr. Hazard tries to re-acclimate Cal into civilized society.

This film makes many social statements with the methods of Dr. Hazard too overbearing and forceful and Maggie's methods too nurturing and careful. Who best raises a child, the film asks--man or woman? We watch as Cal ages into his teen years, learning to speak and interact with others, but his life revolves around his pseudo parents Maggie and Dr. Hazard until Dr. Hazard publishes his papers on how he saved a feral child. When Dr. Hazard goes public with his story, Cal comes to the realization, which isn't altogether false, that Dr. Hazard adopted him simply as a means to establish his legacy in his occupational field. Cal then sets out into the world and finds that humans are quick to take advantage of him.

There are many plot elements that go underdeveloped in this made-for-TV movie. One reviewer claimed that the wild dogs showed more compassion to Cal than the humans, which is false. We never see much interaction between Cal and his canine companions, thus negating the role of the dogs as nurturing entities. Trish Van Devere's Maggie certainly shows Cal a level of care he has never seen before, as he rewards her with gifts best given in the animal kingdom--such as a dead bird.

This is an okay time waster, but nothing worthy of repeated viewings, lest you be a fan of one of the stars. As a fan of Trish Van Devere, I was drawn to this film and when it first began, with narration from David Janssen, I imagined that Trish was able to talk her husband George C. Scott, the greatest actor that ever lived, to led his voice for the narrative, given the similarities between Scott and Janseen's gravelly speech.

The Steam Video Company (1984)

Fine Example of British Humor

[7/10 · 14 October 2012]

The Steam Video Company was a British television series that aired during the mid 1980s with a solid cast of terrific character actors. Although not quite in the same league as "Monty Pyhton," I found this series to be funnier than John Cleese's "Fawlty Towers," which I also found to be quite pleasing. Although there are similarities to "Monty Python's Flying Circus," this series isn't a conventional sketch comedy, for there is an arch in every episode, ranging from a spoof on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to a clever espionage spoof titled "I Was Hitler's Bookie." This series lasted all of one season and ended with just six episodes of varying degrees of humor and entertainment. What could make this series more appealing to viewers than "Monty Python's Flying Circus" is that the cast was represented by both sexes. A bunch of gents comprised the cast of "Monty Python," while "Steam Video" boasts the talents of both Anna Dawson and Madeline Smith.

The acting and writing on Steam Video were both top notch. Franklyn is marvelous in his many roles, reciting a tale while soaking in a bubblebath, portraying Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, earning an Oscar at the beginning of the show but forced to relinquish it when he overacts. Anna Dawson is sharp as a burlesque queen singing the song "Underneath the Lamposts of Old Berlin" and playing a put-upon Irish waitress under the watchful eye of a French cook. Barry Cryer is first rate as an oddity promoter trying to get Franklyn to bankroll his findings, which he outperforms in his clever Groucho Marx portrayal. But for me, the real stars of this series were Bob Todd and Madeline Smith.

Bob Todd, a husky-voiced old character actor is donned in many costumes throughout the series, ranging from a humanoid spider with the desire to give Madeline a few squirts from his poison gland that rests between his legs to his Ho-Chi-Min Sisters skit with Maddy. Dressed up as a Geisha girl, Todd and Maddy perform on stage with each actor draping a handkerchief on their bosom. Bob Todd performs feat of magic with his false breasts that the busty Madeline Smith is unable to perform with her natural breasts.

The series isn't quite a non-stop laughfest, but it tries. Plays on words abound, which will keep those persons unimpressed by fart jokes entertained. The jokes do delve into the crude at times, but never too shocking. Franklyn hands Dawson a twelve-inch ruler as a measure of his affections, and with Madeline Smith in the cast, there is opportunity aplenty for breasts jokes, given the ampleness of her bust. The show is quite funny and although it lasted for one season, isn't too difficult to locate on the internet. Give it a watch--I'm certain you'll be entertained.

The Incredible Hulk: 747 (1978) Season 1, Episode 7

Banner Goes Green Twice

[5/10 · 15 January 2012]

For viewers that want to see the Hulk rampage a bit, this isn't the episode for you. Bill Bixby turns into Lou Ferrigno just twice in 747. First he tangles with a pilot trying to dump him out of the plane in the snow-capped wilderness... which makes him angry, then he has to get angry in order to land the plane. The Hulk has little to do in this episode, with the exception of the show's final three minutes. 747 centers more on story than angering Dr. Banner.

A pilot and his sexy stewardess gal pal(Currie) plan to hijack a King Tut exhibit and hit it to South America. Unfortantely for them, Banner is on the flight and thwarts their plans. When Currie drugs the co-pilot and the Hulk knocks out the crooked pilot, there is no one left to fly the plane, which is suffering from a leak. A kid on board (Cruz) knows a thing or two about flying as Banner must land the craft with the kid and good girl stewardess Denise Galik looking over his shoulder. With the hydraulic leak, Banner doesn't have the strength to land the craft, so he shoos Cruz and Galik out of the cabin, goes green, and takes care of business.

Although this episode failed to employ the Hulk well, it was entertaining and kept you on the edge of your seat. The acting was quite well with Bixby shining as always and Currie doing an adequate job as the swayed-to-do-wrong stewardess. Cruz is okay as the bookish teen and the lovely Denise Galik is in fine form with her supporting role as the stewardess Banner can actually rely on. Although her stewardess skirt was quite hideous, Denise looked great in the mile high uniform.

Mortuary (1982)

Well made horror film

[6/10 · 15 January 2012]

Howard Avedis, better known for directing sleazy erotic thrillers, tries his hand at horror and does a rather decent job. He gets plenty help from a capable cast (with a few notable exceptions) and screenwriter Marlene Schmidt, who appeared in a few of his earlier films. MORTUARY follows the life of tortured college girl Mary McDonough whose father was killed in an unfortunate accident. Mary seems to be the only person who thinks her old man was murdered and when her jockish bore of a boyfriend spots her mother at a seance, he feels Mary's mommy (Lynda Day George) may be a bit of a Satanist.

The film's title comes from the place where much of the shady doings and bumps in the night occur--the local mortuary. Lynda Day George attends seances there because the head of her cult is Christopher George, the mortuary manager. He is grooming his son, Bill Paxton, who has more than a schoolboy crush on Mary, to take over the family business. The boy seems too preoccupied with chasing Mary around and embalming hot blonds than taking his job seriously. Thngs begin to stir up when a cloaked figure begins chasing Mary around. Mary thinks her father's killer is coming to finish off the family.

STORY: $$$ (Marlene Schmidt pens a slightly better than average script here. There are some plot turns and some nifty devices but nothing too influential. One of the main questions the script puts forth is what Lynda is doing at these bizarre cloaked rituals. Is she trying to communicate with the dead or is she Satan's slave? Marlene's script could have played with Lynda's cult a little more to add to the suspense, but the suspense really wasn't lacking. This was a rather good screenplay--B-Rate horror standards).

ACTING: $$$ (The acting is pretty good all the way around, with the notable exception of the blond jock that played Mary McDonough's boyfriend. The guy wasn't convincing and seemed clueless as to what to do on screen when he didn't have any lines. It's no shock that I haven't seen that guy in anything else. Mary McDonough is fine in the lead building a sympathetic character and Chritopher George and his real life wife Lynda Day are fine as always in their supporting roles. Lynda gets to play a more sassy role; quite in contrast to her more delicate female roles in flicks like ANTS. But the movie belongs to Bill Paxton who slam dunks his role of a socially awkward mortuary attendant. It was quite clear that Mr. Paxton was well on his way to bigger and better things).

NUDITY: $$$ (Since this was helmed by Howard "Let's See Some Boobs" Avedis, there is a sprinkling on nudity throughout the film. Paxton embalms a pretty blond early in the film and Mary McDonough has a romp with her boyfriend before her extended nude scene in which Paxton plans to embalm her. The buxom Lynda Day George keeps herself under wraps but does offer some titillation with a lowcut nightgown that displays the type of cleavage all men wish their wives had).

The Channeler (1991)

Typical Quicky No-budget Horror

[3/10 · 15 January 2012]

University professor Pam leads a group of students and her boyfriend (Jay Richardson) on a little excursion to rural route redneck land on what she claims to be an environmental field trip. But she has ulterior motives, of course. She seems to possess knowledge of some mystical beings in the area that dwell in a mine and she uses one of her students, who happens to be a "channeler" to help her locate the creatures' dwelling.

The story is okay but the dialogue is terrible. The writers throw your typical country jokes that fall flat because we've heard every redneck rhubarb 100 times before--and all delivered much better. The one-liners issued by sassy tramp Cindy Brooks are so telegraphed they fail to elicit a response from the viewer beyond an eye roll. This movie is essentially only for low-budget horror enthusiasts who are fans of the B-Rate stars.

STORY: $$ (The story, although on paper looks good, didn't translate well to a script. The characterization was lacking in our characters as Pam's motives weren't well thought out and Dan Haggerty's survivalist/chemist seemed out of place and entirely unnecessary. More should have been done, but this was clearly made by amateurs).

ACTING: $$ (The acting is quite weak from almost everyone involved. B-Rate star Jay Richardson (SINS OF DESIRE) does a fine job and Grizzly Adams lookalike Dan Haggerty plays himself as usual. Cindy Brooks was annoying as the slutty girl and Oliver Darrow (SPIRITS) has little to do as the bad boy. Brenda James (SLITHER), credited as Brenda Klemme in this film, seems the only thespian among the students that was well cast. She shines in her bookish, studious role and gives the film's best performance--but that isn't saying too much).

NUDITY: $ (There is a pointless shower scene in the wilderness at Haggerty's cabin showing an obvious body double standing in for Cindy Brooks).

DeepStar Six (1989)

At the Ocean's floor, there are no bras

[8 September 2011]

This film plays like the little brother of THE ABYSS with a twist of ALIEN thrown in the mix. Fortunately, it doesn't bog itself down like THE ABYSS by incorporating a tedious, needless social statement in the final 45 minutes like Cameron's vastly overrated film. Be that as it may, this is still a rather weak B-film with poor characterization and a by-the-numbers plot.

When a group of underwater workers disturb the lair of a sea creature the monster gets its revenge by destroying their base and snacking on the crew. The crew are all quite underdeveloped, even the romantic leads of Greg Evigan and Nancy Everhard. (SPOILER) You know when characters are about to die because they'll start start talking about their New Hampshire farm like Cindy Pickett or greasy hamburgers like Matt McCoy.

STORY: $$$ (This isn't a bad story it just offers nothing new. The characterization is weak because it tries to forcefeed clichés. Miguel Ferrer plays the doofus Bill Paxton character of ALIENS and the romantic link between Everhard and Evigan is too weak for my money. None of the other characters are even moderately developed leaving the viewer with little invested in the people on the screen).

ACTING: $$$ (The acting wasn't the problem. Miguel Ferrer clearly gives the best performance in this film with his excellent, slimy portrayal of Snyder, the ever-picked-upon handyman eager to get topside. I thought Nia Peeples and Nancy Everhard should have changed roles because Everhard's character was a tough-as-nails Navy officer and Nancy, although she clearly got into solid shape for the role, looks more like a schoolmarm than a soldier--Peeples on the other hand, has the hard body for a female Navy officer but her line readings were way too fast. I felt like whenever Nia had a line I had accidentally hit the fast forward button. The other actors were fine. Evigan is okay as the male lead and Matt McCoy does a solid job as the goof-off. Ferris Bueller's mom, Cindy Pickett, gives a solid performance as the base's medical officer and Marius Weyers is great as always. His character really needed to be more developed though).

NUDITY: None, but no female cast member wears a bra in this movie. They didn't quite adhere to their packing list before departing on this six-month deployment.

Night Hunter (1996)

Vampire Hunters Need Eyeliner... Not Stakes and Holy Water

[11 August 2011]

I always rent a film with the desire to like it. However, this film started with two strikes against it. The first strike is that its lead is Don "The Dragon" Wilson, an inept actor by anyone's standards but a solid martial artist. I'm not a martial arts fan so I'm not big on Mr. Wilson. Second, its a vampire flick and you can count all the decent vampire films in history on one hand--and you won't employ all your fingers. So, you might be wondering, why I rented this. Well, I'm a video completist and will watch anything that Melanie Smith appears in. So there you have it.

The film focuses on Don who plays Jack Cutter, the son of vampire hunters who were killed by head vampire Nicholas Guest and his minions when Don was just a boy. He grows up determined to rid the earth of vampires. When the police chase him (he has the ignorant tendency to run around town with a shotgun at any hour, day or night) he is hit by a vehicle driven by Melanie Smith. Melanie's intro isn't a casual hello for she, in Mina Harker like fashion, is the reincarnation of a lost love from Guest's past. So Don must save the world from bloodsuckers and the girl from the head fang-face.

Don does battle with far more eyeliner than Melanie Smith wears... I guess vampire killers need to look dark-eyed. Also, filmgoers that can't stand movies that have vampires walking around in broad daylight will hate this film. They can combat the sun with shades.

STORY: $$ (Too clichéd. The reincarnation subplot wasn't needed. This film borrows too heavily from other sources to flesh out its weak script, such as the Bram Stoker borrowing. Also, when Melanie gets shot while driving her car, she clearly gets it in the left tit, which made for a tricky Kennedy-esque shot from the officer who accidentally drilled her. Yet when Don treats her, her wound is in the right shoulder. However, jumping wounds aside, the head vampire is quite progressive and should be applauded for adhering to the call for diversity. His four vampire followers are a woman, an Asian, a black guy and a white guy. Way to go!)

ACTING: $ (Although this is B-Rate fare there are many B-Rate films that boast solid acting. When your lead is the wooden Don "The Dragon" Wilson, you've ascribed, before filming, to low-grade acting. We also have the terrible erotic-thriller actress Maria Ford as the female vampire and Nicholas Guest is quite less-than-menacing as the lead vampire. Melanie Smith does a fine job with what little she has to work with and James Lew, who, perhaps, should have been the lead, gives a fine cameo performance as Don's dad).

NUDITY: None

Weekend Pass (1984)

An Understated Charm

[8 August 2011]

This isn't that good of a movie but it has a mysterious charm working for it that I can't quite put my finger on. I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the camaraderie of the four sailors. As a military veteran, I found the friendships fun and engaging. Where else can four completely different guys strike up such a bond outside of the military?

This film focuses on four sailors fresh from boot camp who have a weekend pass in LA before they head their separate ways, various specialized schools. LA is the former haunt of Spencer and Bunker Hill (Chip McAllester) who have dames from their past they're eager to meet while nerd Lester has a phone number of his commander's niece and Fricker (D.W. Brown) has a spot lined up at a prestigious LA comedy club. They each have their missions but Lester's is the only one that proves fruitful, however, each sailor finds romance in the arms of a woman they weren't expecting.

STORY: $$ (The story really is a letdown. It really isn't the story as much as the filler that hinders the viewing experience. The director gives FAR too much time to dance choreography, tossing in some lame mime shows, aerobics workouts and a spandex-clad dance climax. However, despite the emphasis on dancing, the love story of Bunker Hill and his aerobics instructor sustains interest as does Spencer's fling with college chum Hilary Shepard, who doesn't quite live up to his fantasy--she's too Hollywood for his tastes. Fricker's lead up to his comedy routine could have used some work as could Lester's set-up with the commander's niece (Graem McGavin).

ACTING: $$$ (For a 1980s comedy that featured a bunch of lesser names, the acting wasn't that bad. D.W. Brown and Chip McAllester shine. You'll feel for Brown's Fricker whose main ambition is to be a great standup comic but he just doesn't have it. His failure, however, leads to a romance with the cute Daureen Collodel, who, just like Fricker, was a bomb on the stage at the comedy club. McAllester is solid as Bunker Hill who returns to his old stomping grounds--and all black neighborhood--with his three white sailor chums. Some ethnic jokes ensue. Hilary Shepard gives a quality performance as Spencer's object of lust who cares for nothing but her own image. She gives the best line in the film when she agrees to bed Spencer but only under her rules--mechanical appliance necessary. She tells Spencers that conventional sex went out with bell bottom pants. Graem McGavin gives a sensitive performance as the sheepish girl that Lester dates).

NUDITY: $$$$ (There are your typical strip club nude scenes supplied by "actresses" early in the film as the sailors first destination is eats and titillation. Later on Hilary "The Body" Shepard disrobes for a bath but gets rebuked by Spencer. Buxom little Graem McGavin isn't as obliging in this film as she was in MY TUTOR).