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Reviews
Wrong Turn VI (2014)
Awful. Just awful.
Now, I am aware this was never going to be Oscar-worthy, however, I can honestly say this is the worst movie I have seen in years. Any reviews singing the movie's praises are simply lying. Every person in it cannot act; there was little or no plot beyond some people killing some other people; the characters made decisions that were simply ludicrous, or missed out on clearly obvious things that were happening. The girls in the movie were solely there to have breasts and get killed. They also have the token stoner guy who is in every horror movie and numerous people that you simply can't care about in any way. Don't waste your time with this one - movies 1 through 5 were much better, and that's saying something.
Pacific Rim (2013)
Awful
This horrible excuse for a movie is the epitome of everything that is wrong with film-making these days. Style over substance. Visually stunning but devoid of everything else that makes a good film.
Idris Elba was horribly miscast as was practically everyone else and I can't honestly say I have ever watched a film that was so empty and vacuous, so bereft of anything approaching a good performance. It's almost a credit to say that every facet of the movie was so utterly atrocious.
By far the worst thing Guillermo Del Toro has made or ever will make and I'm sure he'll look back on it and think 'what the hell was I doing?'
It pains me to say that Transformers 2 was better which tells you absolutely everything you need to know. Avoid this clichéd CGI tripe at all costs. Having a colostomy bag fitted would be more fun.
I would give it a negative mark out of 10 if I could. If this is where film-making is going, we're all going to hell in a handbasket.
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Mirthless
I enjoy comedy of all types, everything from Charlie Chaplin and Spike Milligan to Will Ferrell and Gene Wilder.
This, however, was one of the worst films I have ever seen, not just one of the worst comedies. I watched it twice just to make sure and can confirm that there was only one point in the whole ball-achingly long viewing that managed to raise a smile.
If you're thinking of watching this... don't. Watch something else - a wall, a flame, rain on your window, anything but this utterly mirthless waste of space and time.
If I was you and you were me, I would thank you eternally for this advice.
Dard Divorce (2007)
God, this was terrible
This is the first time I have ever written a review on IMDb. The utter shambles that was Dard Divorce compelled me to do it. OK, firstly, the main 'actress' was perhaps the worst i've ever seen - can barely speak English, every word delivered in monotone and with absolutely no breadth of expression. They'd have done a better job with a sex-doll. In fact, pretty much every 'actor' and 'actress' were beyond bad, as though they'd all been drugged, or just picked up off the street. I can't really remember a single piece of dialogue that didn't sound stilted or contrived. As for the storyline, there really wasn't much of one - some drunk/lawyer girl (supposedly the director's wife) is going through a messy divorce. Her husband takes the kids away for a weekend, then stumbles in later and supposedly dies in front of her - cue numerous unnecessary gangster/bad guy characters who were completely unbelievable and torture scenes (which really weren't even that shocking)that were poorly filmed and dragged on way too long. I like gore but this was just bad, like something me and my friends might make. Even the unnecessarily long scene with the naked guy chopping up a body in the bath just didn't sit right. I'll not bother explaining what Dard means as it's just a complete non- event - it might as well have been called cabbage divorce or chair divorce for all it mattered. Worst of all was the sound. Not only were the songs the cheesiest shite I've ever heard, but the sound editor must've been on PCP. I've honestly never witnessed such bad sound mixing, particularly in the last scene, where the husband is explaining the plot for the whole film, and all we can see are his lips move whilst listening to some shoddy low-grade European electronica. The one redeeming feature of this movie was that the shots of the golden gate bridge made me think of Tommy Wiseau's The Room. In short - this was atrocious, avoid at all costs. It'll be 87 minutes of your life you'll never get back.