After watching the first 38 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore.
The story begins with the two of them are spending the night, out on the prairie ---- all alone, after blithely letting the rest of the wagon train continue on without them. In Indian country. Ohhh-kay.
The woman's husband is shot repeatedly and killed. I guess he was pretty inept with a shotgun. Kinda sad, since he was supposed to become the new sheriff of Independence.
She, too, is shot and left for dead. Their wagon goes up in flames. At least the killer has a soft spot for animals: He takes the time to set them free from the burning wagon. Go on, GIT.
The woman, Abigail, spends the night passed out on the ground, and then gets up in the morning and strolls around the prairie, until she collapses. She wakes up in an Apache encampment, days later, where the natives have magically cured her gunshot wound. She's sporting a lovely "peach blossom" shade of lipstick and gobs of mascara. Are those false eyelashes, too? Hard to tell.
Really? Did the Apaches give her a makeover while she was in recovery? How neat that the one Apache speaks near perfect English and only vaguely looks Native American. Apparently they have no use for Abigail, so she is sent on her way.
Abigail walks into town, a town so small that everyone knows everyone else, but no locals seem the least bit curious about her. Suddenly, a "Lady of the Night" befriends her. In the middle of the street. AS IF, in those days, any respectable woman would be seen talking to a whore, much less in broad daylight and for all to witness.
By chance, Abigail also runs into a ne'er-do-well drinker and gambler. Again, there she is out in the street talking with him. No, don't worry. The locals don't bat an eye. No one cares who she is or what she does, as she bumbles her way around. Asking her weird questions.
Meanwhile, hunky bad boy, "Hoyt" robs the only bank in town and, as he's making his escape, Abigail decides he should "kidnap" her. On their way out of town, he steals an elegantly expensive red dress off a clothesline. He later gives this dress to his beautiful, euphonious paramour. She wears the dress that same night, while serenading more than 1/2 the town. No one recognizes the dress? In the audience, there stands an upright, pillar-of-society female citizen, grinning. In a saloon. Never gonna happen.
Abigail has managed to deftly "borrow" Hoyt's gun. Since she couldn't convince Hoyt (without reward or compensation) to murder her husband's killer ---- she's just going to have to do it herself. Ping. Pow. Zing. Luckily for the mean nasty sheriff, Hoyt deflects the gun just as Abigail takes her shot. The sheriff's jacket sleeve, it's later discovered, was torn by that passing bullet. Jesus wept.
The whole thing is so silly, it's completely unbelievable.
Too bad, because bad boy "Hoyt" has a body that I wouldn't mind seeing shirtless for all of eternity. Extra points to him for keeping so fit.
Apart from his bod, the rest of this farce is nothing short of ridiculous. I know you can find something to watch which is much more worth your while.
I suggest "The English," with Emily Blunt. The English isn't perfect, either, but at least it is somewhat believable, some of the time.
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