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john-1360
Reviews
What the #$*! Do We (K)now!? (2004)
Goofy antics in the service of pseudo-scientific propaganda
At first glance something seemed off about the on-screen "experts" who invited us into their living rooms, where they lectured us on subatomic physics, and why it proves that organized religion blows. By hour two the conversation had taken a turn into topics you won't hear about in Physics 1B. "I create my day," says a glassy-eyed man, explaining how quantum mechanics has given him the ability to live a richer inner life than those not-yet-enlightened types who are "addicted" to sex, pill-popping, and negative emotions. Oddest of all is the middle-aged blond woman with the mysterious accent, speaking confidently about how (among other things) subatomic particles can give you a boner.
"It only takes one fantasy for a man to have a hard-on," she reveals.
Turns out there were more psychics than physicists producing and starring in the film delivering these insights. Specifically: members of a doomsday cult centered upon the blond lady, who actually turns out to be JZ Knight, a channeler who claims to be speaking in the voice of Ramtha, a 35,000-year-old warrior king. In "Bleep," JZ Knight's voice sounds increasingly like Tia Carrerre's in "Kull the Conqueror" as Ramtha grips her soul. The accent comes and goes, maybe depending on Ramtha signal strength. Supposedly Ramtha's not from Atlantis but from a neighboring island, which has often been overlooked. Think of it as the ancient sunken city-state version of New Jersey.
Pyramids atop the fence of Knight's $2 million ranch in Yelm, Washington block the CIA mind control waves that Ramtha warns his flock of. At least three who've bought into this are treated on screen as experts, including a priest booted from the Catholic Church over molestation charges, a professional chiropractor, and someone's completely random grandma wearing a tie-dye.
In between these "experts" are campy antics where the filmmakers have ambitiously set out to take us to the absolute limits of quantum possibility. How? Early in the movie they decide on the only reliable strategy: to rip off "The Matrix." Standing in for Morpheus is a little black kid asking the main character "how far down the rabbit hole" she wants to go. (Wow, minorities are mystical!) And there is a chaotic wedding scene at the end that's just chock full of wacky. There are wacky old people. There is a groom caught shagging some other girl against a church window, demonstrating the degree to which humans are dominated by primitive emotions like lust.
Much as Neo uses his super-skills to see the universe as computer code, Marlee Matlin's character - it pains me to type this - realizes that humans see the world through a kind of sex-crazed Terminator-cam.
"SEEKING: FOX WHO WILL PUT OUT," the HornyCam reads on screen.
"SYSTEM CRASH," we see a bit later.
See: wacky.
Like the infamous anti-pot cheesefest "Reefer Madness," "Bleep" is a series of goofy antics in the service of propaganda, only substituting critical thinking for reefers. Copping ideas from the dust jackets of Stephen Hawking books, it sets out to persuade the audience to abandon their world view for Ramtha's where (like Living Colour said) nothing is real. Meaning, of course, that you might as well shell out $1,000 to hear someone channel a 35,000-year-old warrior god.
The Incredibles (2004)
The Omnibot 7000's first screenplay
People have been making fun of superhero clichés for more than ten years, since before The Tick, Tiny Toons and the like, and this itself has been a cliché: to observe, "Bad guys have giant secret lairs! And they "monologue" before they kill you! LOL." It's an easier formula than actually inventing a new superhero saga.
Now this worn-out schtick has unfortunately become the basis for a Pixar movie. Not nearly as well-written as "Toy Story," this thing feels like it was written on autopilot, with only the most obvious plot developments proceeding from the "what if a suburban family were superheroes?" premise with a clanking predictability (Writer: "OMG, here's the part where they fight over a remote control! And they fight over traffic directions! And...what else do married couples do?") that made me wonder whether Brad Bird was a screenwriter's pseudonym for Omnibot 7000.
While the movie pretends like it's about breaking out of suburban conformity, it comes across like a celebration of it. I would rather have watched a movie about Samuel Jackson's character, Frozone, who provides some spark amid the numbing sitcom vibe.
The pic further loses points for taking cheap shots at the French, public interest law, and human life. 'Cuz halfway through, the movie seems to get superheroes badly confused with James Bond, and this annoying family proceeds to spend quite a while killing off identical-looking bad guys, rather remorselessly: someone is blown to bits, and in the next shot everyone is hugging. The family that kills together...
Real superheroes bring people to justice, rather than slaughtering them. Not that this is a violent movie in its slaying of faceless drones. No, what you get feels like you're stuck at the house of the dullest people you know, while they play PS2 in their living room. I liked it better when it was called "Metal Gear."
And, yeah, would a memorable joke be too much to ask?
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Slandered by the odd-even theory
The "odd-even" theory of Trek movies has criminally smeared "Star Trek III" -- by no means a perfect movie, but with some of the best scenes in the series's history. Any true fan of the Kirk/Spock/McCoy saga should get shivers down their spine when the crew stands on a hill, watching the Enterprise immolate in the atmosphere, as Kirk murmurs: "My God, Bones. What have I done?"
Yes. "III" suffers from some plot contrivances (protomatter! Ponn farr!) but it's not the hokey New Age snoozer of "The Motion Picture"; neither is it the Shatnerian misfire of "V," the ludicrous "Generations," or the TV-quality "Insurrection."
But all these other movies lack the inspiration, ambition and gutsiness of "III," a Cold War thriller which has Kirk putting everything on the line to rescue his friend. Unlike later movies, the consequences here are dire, real and heavy. This isn't the Enterprise casually crashing in "Generations," or Picard's cavalier "to hell with orders!" in "First Contact."
No, when Kirk steals the Enterprise, we're seeing a man ready never to "sit in the Captain's chair again"...fighting the very real forces of Starfleet's creeping mediocrity, defiant with a spirit we'd never see again in "Trek"...and all with that Horner score -- smokin'.
I dare you not to feel a pang of bittersweet hope at that moment when Kirk's gay son, about to be killed by the Klingons, hears a crackle of hope from the Klingon communicator: "Enterprise, this is Grissom calling," and Horner swells it up...