dutchchocolatecake Reviews

Ghost in the Shell (2017)

top notch action sci fi

[10/10 · 2 April 2017]

Let me just say for starters that this is a real review written by someone who actually watched the movie, and someone who has actually watched the original Ghost in the Shell movie several times before the live action movie came out, along with Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence and Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex: Solid State society. The live action movie delves even deeper into the story lines in the Ghost in the Shell franchise, and combines elements from all the stories to create a fantastic action sci-fi that is both intellectually and visually stunning.

I'm typing this qualifier because the majority of the other reviews about this movie look like outrage reviews written by people who didn't even see the movie and are just abusing IMDb's review system to promote their own political viewpoints. They aren't interested in actually seeing the movie or giving a thoughtful review about it. They are only here to trash it and this is why IMDb took down the forums in the first place. I know my review will probably get a bunch of thumbs down because people only care if I agree with them rather than whether I wrote a good review or not.

With that out of the way, the accusations of white washing are dubious at best. The Major in the anime was in a white looking cybernetic body even though she had a Japanese name. I base this opinion on the fact that in the original movie there are characters drawn specifically to look Asian and if the Major were Asian then she would be drawn that way. The creator of Ghost in the Shell has come forward to say that he was impressed by both Scarlett Johansson's casting and her acting abilities. If she's good enough for the creator of this movie then who is anyone else to keep arguing against her?

The argument that a character having a Japanese name means that character is Asian is also questionable. I went to school with Asian Americans with white names either because they were adopted or because their families had fully assimilated into American culture. If I were to make a movie about one of them, should I cast a white person to play them simply because they have a white name?

For those who haven't seen it or are discouraged from seeing it because of other people's bullying: I suggest that you don't let anyone else stop you from seeing this movie or enjoying it. I had concerns that it might not be good because there are elements of animation that just aren't translatable to live action. I am pleased to say that I was wrong and this movie took my breath away with both visuals and a story line that delves into who the Puppetmaster is and what his motivations are. After seeing this movie I am interested in finding the television series that goes along with the movies I already have. If a movie can make people interested in the source material then it's done it's job IMO.

Scarlett Johansson made an excellent Major. I could tell she worked hard and studied the original movie closely to mirror the Major's mannerisms and behavior. As for the complaints that the movie didn't delve deep enough into philosophical things, I don't think the original movies did much of that either. Nothing was ever fully explained and the viewer was left to puzzle out their own answers. These are the kind of movies that you have to watch with your brain engaged rather than being passively entertained. The movies aren't meant to be a replacement for formal study of existential philosophy. They are meant to pose a hypothetical scenario with hypothetical reasons behind it and the viewer is supposed to draw their own conclusions.

I do have a few complaints about this movie, but they are fairly trivial considering the movie as a whole. This review is getting long and I only have a thousand words so I won't go into my own complaints that aren't really relevant. Overall though this movie is worth putting money down to see and that's what matters.

The Lonely Ones (2006)

low class trash

[1/10 · 15 February 2017]

Full disclosure: I specialize in reviewing movies that are low budget and in unusual niche genres, and I am willing to give a low budget film a 10 if they've put effort into the final product. So when I give a film 1 star, it's for a pretty good reason.

I am going to be one of the unpopular "haters" and give this movie one star. I simply cannot bring myself to give it any more than that. This movie makes the same mistakes Grave Encounters and other low budget movies make by trying to appeal to the "cool teens are self-righteous buttholes" sclock. No, I don't think your characters are cool and no, it doesn't make your movie hip and interesting. It makes you look like like a backwards dolt who can't write actual characters, so instead you make them as offensive as possible thinking the rest of us won't notice. Dropping the b-word bomb every two minutes does not make me think you're awesome.

This movie is sadly sexist, racist, and unbelievably boring. The black characters are among the first to die. Really? I thought we'd gotten past the 1990s but I guess not.

The movie actually could have been good since the actors weren't half bad. While the premise is fairly creative with the untapped ghoul genre, the overall end product fails to deliver anything but annoyance.

My advice: re-make this movie as a found footage film (you could write a character that has a dedicated and monetized YouTube channel and sets up cameras to create a silly moment compilation to post online - giving a reason for the cameras to be rolling) no b-word bombs (grow up already), and ditch the Terminator type "hunter" character. Write a script with less characters that have more maturity, because being able to take characters seriously is the key to creating suspenseful scenes. Since the sentimental scenes weren't half bad, you could keep those in and make it like a weekend "couple's retreat" or something. Making the ghouls talk takes the scariness away. Keep them silent and more menacing. As far as the 1988 split screen disaster, just leave it out. And don't put into idiot words like "sororitutes" which is just offensive.

In conclusion, with whatever you do next, stop creating obnoxious butthole content and I'll give your movie more stars. Deal?

The Other (1972)

strange but intriguing story

[10/10 · 7 May 2016]

Great acting, a unique story line, and excellent character development earns this movie 10 stars easily.

For anyone who is confused about the movie and needs someone to explain/spoil it for them, here it is: A little boy named Niles is a gifted psychic who is able to predict the weather and the gender of babies when they are born. His grandmother Ada teaches him a trick called "The Game" where he is able to project his mind into other people and even animals.

The movie starts about three to five months after Nile's twin brother Holland dies by accident by falling into a dry well. Since Holland was the proverbial "evil twin," his soul cannot move forward to Heaven. Thus, his spirit remains a haunting presence in the house and surrounding grounds of his family's residence.

Tragedies begin to happen around the farm pointing at Holland as the culprit. How can he perpetrate the crimes (including putting a baby inside a bottle) if he is dead? The answer is simple: "The Game" works both ways - when a person is able to transfer their mind into another being, a ghost can transmit their own mind into living people. Holland possesses Niles by transferring his mind into the mind of his twin brother that's still alive.

Babushka, or Grandmother Ada finds out too late that "The Game" is dangerous and tries to stop Niles from playing it. Niles is afraid of losing his brother if he stops playing, since that is the only way he is able to still communicate with his brother. The movie doesn't make it clear whether or not he actually stops, only that the spirit of Holland continues to possess Niles and compels him to murder people.

If you like movies that are psychological and weird, watch this one! I saw this when I was younger and did not understand it. I recently re-watched it and realized what was going on. An amazing movie all around.

The Ninth Gate (1999)

requires symbolic literacy

[10/10 · 3 May 2016]

This movie is superbly made puzzle and most people won't "get it" because they are hung up about the idea of the Devil (and their own preconceptions of the Devil).

The movie is dualistic in it's character development, telling a story of two paths (Balkan and Corso's) and how vastly different they are when they converge at the end of the story. Balkan is still driven by passion and obsession, whereas Corso learns that knowledge can have greater value than money. The difference is obvious and yet most people don't seem to notice it. Balkan starts out as a high handed, sanctimonious Satanist yet becomes more pathological (and out of control) in his desire to summon The Devil, Corso becomes more thoughtful and genuinely interested in the puzzle of the engravings that speak to achieving a higher plane of consciousness.

There is symbolism through the movie that takes the viewer on a journey with Corso (the Tarot's Fool). There is plenty of esoteric analysis available on the Internet if you google the terms "Tarot" and "Ninth Gate" and "engravings." If you aren't already somewhat familiar with occultism, it's probably going to go over your head. Googling "Cathars" is also helpful.

I think if I were to give an overall summary of what this movie is trying to say, is that freedom and personal power don't come from self-delusion or worshiping Satan. The Ninth Gate portrays Satanism as a personal and intellectual failure on the part of so-called spiritual rebels that can't see past their own impulses and ego. The lesson of the movie is that enlightenment comes from within and a willingness to let go of attachments to the physical world. The Ninth Gate is almost like Buddhism in this respect.

The Steve Wilkos Show (2007– )

an abusive show

[1/10 · 18 April 2016]

Steve Wilkos will no doubt appeal to barbarians who think violence and aggression are going to solve society's problems. No, it will not.

Watching Steve Wilkos scream at the top of his lungs, throw chairs, and treat people like garbage might make you feel better, but he's just feeding into the cycle of violence in this country.

This is not to say that I am thrilled with the kind of people he has on his show. The problem is, Steve's methods of dealing with them are unhealthy and flawed. Steve's methods of dealing with constructive criticism is also ridiculous. His basic response to anyone to anyone who finds something wrong with his abusive behavior is to say "If you aren't with me, you're against me and you're with the criminals." This is fundamentally stupid because most reasonably intelligent people can see flaws in both Steve and the crappy people he finds to put on his show.

I'm also not thrilled with the idea of taking lie detector tests as total gospel. For the most part I trust lie detectors but they can be wrong. Steve never, EVER considers the idea that sometimes his test results might be wrong. I have no reason to believe that the lie detectors are done in a professional manner considering the very UNPROFESSIONAL manner of his show. I just read a review where one of Steve's former guests were allegedly kept up all day and all night and literally starved in their own hotel room. That will affect the lie detector test how? Think about it.

There is much more to this show than meets the eye and whatever is going on behind the scenes is not good. I think the show is exploitative and Steve has no regard for potentially ruining people's lives.

Absentia (I) (2011)

really really good

[10/10 · 14 April 2016]

I'm a fan of low budget and indie movies that make the most of what they have and live up to it's fullest potential. Absentia is one of those movies where great acting, directing, and minimal special affects brings together a psychological and existential horror unlike anything else I've ever seen.

While not inspired directly by a story from Lovecraft, the movie is Lovecraftian in it's storytelling and supernatural concepts. This movie is more Lovecraft than many self-proclaimed Lovecraft movies and that is saying something.

I don't scare easily but I found myself on the edge of my seat waiting for what would happen next. I am really surprised that there are people who don't like this movie or think it's boring. I guess it's boring if you're used to psycho-slasher flicks that substitute gore for good storytelling.

Lake Mungo (2008)

could have been so much better

[3/10 · 14 April 2016]

I really wanted to like this movie, but I almost fell asleep halfway through it. That hasn't happened to me since the Europa Report, which is saying something. This movie had great acting, great atmosphere, and an overall genuine feel to it. Sadly, it just didn't live up to it's own potential.

There's a lot that could have made this movie better: 1. Shorten the time to about an hour which is typical for a documentary style special. A lot of it could have been cut out for brevity's's sake.

2. Allow the ghost photos of the teenage girl to be real. I thought it was a real cop out and a major interruption to the story when it was revealed that the brother was faking the pictures. The end of the movie would have been more satisfying had the ghost pictures built up to the big reveal later.

3. Nobody needed to know about a teenage girl's sex life. Nobody needed to see some old pervert taking advantage of his babysitter. I thought that was tacky and unnecessary to the overall storyline. FYI, if you needed to see that then you have issues beyond what a message board can help with.

4. Expand the psychic's role in the storyline. The trick with the tapes was original and could have played a bigger role overall.

5. Make the girl's death more meaningful than a spontaneous drowning. Tie it into a local legend or something.

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015)

best one to finish it all

[10/10 · 13 April 2016]

I am a fan of the series, and I thought this movie is cool. I'm not thrilled with the added CGI affects but the spirit photography was a clever spin the franchise needed to wrap up and be done with.

I am not thrilled about the timeline, either. The movie series is already complicated enough without adding in yet another twist and turn in a sequence of events that is difficult to keep up with. Die hard fans will have to open their notebooks or set up another corkboard with yarn to figure out how character A got to point Z without the fabric of the Universe collapsing.

Overall, though, it was a really good movie. I'm not sure why everyone else rated it so low. I'm going to assume that the low ratings are from people who hate the series, to which I would ask them, if you hate it then why are you watching it? People have been complaining about this series since the third movie, and still they are watching it. I guess it can't be that bad then, hmm?

The Collingswood Story (2002)

outdated, clichéd, and ridiculously boring

[3/10 · 12 April 2016]

I am normally more generous with found footage and indie movies, but this one is pretty bad. I want you to think back to all the old junior high horror paperbacks, eighties horror movies, and urban legends you've heard about. Take a bit from each one, put them together and you've got this movie - it's nothing but standard fare haunted house storytelling with the narcissistic element of being the star of your own webcam show.

It's really too bad, since some real effort was put toward making this movie. I could tell that the actors and director were personally invested in this movie. This movie is not 100% bad, but the slow moving plot and pointless personal drama make it nearly unbearable to watch. The webcam idea is great for found footage, but the fake computer screen was a terrible idea. None of the characters were well written or likable in this movie. The dialogue was written very poorly.

If I could say anything positive about this, it would be that there is no shaky camera footage to make me sick. The last ten minutes or so was suspenseful and genuinely scary. There were good sound effects and ambiance sequences were kept at a minimum.

Other than that, I really didn't enjoy it at all. I'm a fan of low budget and found footage movies, and I saw this because of all the high ratings. I thought I'd found a gem of a movie to pass on. Sadly, that's just not the case.

My Sweet Audrina (2016 TV Movie)

another botched job from lifetime

[5/10 · 12 April 2016]

I really wanted to give this movie more than five stars, but it appears that Lifetime isn't interested in doing V.C. Andrews books right to earn a higher rating.

Lifetime needs to learn to ask fans what is important about these books before making them. If they can't even get the character's hair color right, then why are they bothering at all? This is a serious question. Color symbolism was important to V.C. Andrews books, which they would know if they had read the books and taken them seriously enough to write a script to reflect it.

There's so much wrong with this movie, I can't even. But I'll try.

1. Damien was ruthless, cruel, and a charming psychopath. The movie implies he is a creepy child molester which is stupid. They would know this if they read the book.

2. Arden was much more of a selfish, demanding dick in the book. He had his good qualities but deep down inside he was only concerned about himself and his own guilt ridden psychological complex. The movie makes him look like god's gift to Audrina, which he wasn't.

3. Billie Lowe is missing.

4. Sylvia is missing.

5. Mercy Mary teatimes were missing.

6. Audrina's hair color was missing. It was a point of her identity in the book and tied her to her mother.

7. Vera's hair color and eye color was missing. Vera's eye color was supposed to betray her true father - Damian.

8. Ellsbeth was portrayed as a milquetoast pushover. Yes, Ellsbeth stayed at Whitefern because she was still in love with Damian. However, in the book her personality was much more disciplined and stuffy. She was nowhere near as nice in the movie.

9. The ending was mixed up and made no sense. The chronological order of events were switched around.

10. The rapists in the book were Audrina's classmates, not 18 year old teenage boys.

There are excellent visuals and atmospheric qualities of this movie that were overshadowed by the hack job the script writer gave to V.C. Andrews book.

Stay (I) (2005)

dumbest movie ever

[1/10 · 12 April 2016]

I've watched this movie a grand total of two times, and I can honestly say that the point of this movie does not get clearer no matter how many times you watch it. It's not like the Matrix, which is obviously trying to say something. This movie is boring, trite, and relies on good visuals to make up for it's pretentious laziness.

I'm surprised this movie has gotten 6.9 stars. There are better movies that do worse than that.

In a nutshell, this movie is about a young man's bizarre hallucination before he dies. It's got weird spiritual references about Buddhism, and about how life is just an illusion, etc. The young man acts like Jesus by predicting the weather and healing the blind. Trust me, though, the movie is not nearly so deep as to justify these plot elements. So much of the dialogue and characters are utterly pointless to the ending that it annoys me how much of a waste of time it is to watch it.

Unaware (I) (2010)

paranormal activity meets the mcpherson tapes

[3/10 · 7 April 2016]

I am normally an open minded fan of fan footage movies. I typically give generous 10 star reviews of indie movies that make up for low budget with competent acting and original story lines.

Unfortunately, this movie was neither original nor well executed. It was boring and predictable. I about puked in the middle thanks to the shaky camera lens and loud background noises. I didn't expect much from the acting but the characters were so poorly written that it good acting might not have made a difference anyway. The special effects were okay for the most part, except for the alien which looked like a guy wearing a lizard suit.

This is where I'm going to spoil the movie for you so you don't have to watch it. Here is the plot in a nutshell:

1. Couple goes to surprise visit Dude's family, which are conveniently not home. They decide to find a way into the house and stay anyway.

2. Dude and Dudette do cutesy couple stuff before Dude realizes he wants to snoop in his grandfather's barn which has been labeled off limits since his childhood.

3. Dude and Dudette spend gobs of time searching through predictable clues about aliens like top secret letters and outdated military electronics. They walk back and forth between the barn and the house like ten times because they need the Internet and can't put two and two together by themselves.

4. Dude and Dudette try to call the FBI and report the alien. Hilarious scene where the alien shows up in the window. Oooh. Ahh. Yikes! How scary! (not)

5. The ending is so Blair Witch - lots of screams and shadows. Person in the lizard suit runs toward the camera all menacingly and apparently drags Dudette off caveman style before being beamed back onto the mothership. The ending scene is ridiculously vague and implies that Dude is either murdered or kidnapped by Men in Black who are there to cover the whole thing up.

As you can see, you are not missing much if you skip this movie. The funny thing was, when I first heard about this movie I really wanted to watch it. I thought it was going to be a close encounters kind of movie, which it's not. In any case, don't waste eighty minutes of your life unless you want to get sick.

Mannequin (1987)

great cornball '80s flick

[10/10 · 6 April 2016]

Movies like this make me miss life back in the late '80s and early '90s when things felt simpler than they are now. Technology was developing but it was not overbearing and everywhere like it is now. Mannequin was a transition movie, coming out of the materialistic Big Eighties into the early '90s era of increasing acceptance of alternative lifestyles.

The movie is a lot more progressive than people give it credit for. The artistic main male character was positively juxtaposed against other characters that defined manhood in a negative way (the hyperaggressive security guard and the corporate schmooze). This sends a powerful message that the definition of being a "man" isn't always about being a jerk. Yes, you can find a girlfriend and succeed at life without reducing yourself to being a cog in the machine or macho posturing.

I'm giving this movie 10 stars because it deserves a higher rating than it's getting now. Otherwise I'd give it an 8. The movie itself was well made and well directed. The experience of watching this is fun. For those of us old enough to remember when it came out, it is also nostalgic.

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)

no. just no

[1/10 · 5 April 2016]

I think we need a discussion about genres since anything dark or disturbing is being labeled as "horror." I remember when horror movies were about being scared. I remember when movies were made in such a way that you would worry about going to sleep at night or the movie forced you to look over your shoulder as you walked down the road because *insert supernatural bad guy* might get you.

Now horror is just about the shock value. Even the corniest horror movies have elements of degradation, violation, and repulsiveness which did not exist some twenty years ago.

There is something seriously wrong with the world when someone can not only think up this kind of movie, but get money to actually make it. Someone opened their wallet and said "Sure, I'll help finance a movie about sewing people's lips to someone else's anus. How much do you need?" I feel bad for the actors who are obviously looking for work experience, still, it's hard for me to believe that they didn't think twice before selling themselves out like this.

It all feels like sado-masochism to the extreme, where people are enjoying violating people and making people feel disgusted in the extreme.

The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence) (2015)

one wasn't enough. but three? come on

[1/10 · 5 April 2016]

I can't believe they made THREE of these movies.

THREE.

One movie about sewing people's lips to someone else's anus wasn't enough.

Oh no, they needed to make THREE.

THREE TIMES someone opened their wallet and said "Sure, I'll give you money to make a movie about forcing people to eat feces by sewing their lips on someone's anus. How much do you need?" THREE TIMES this has been done.

I'd like people to ask themselves why there's a market for movies like this in the first place.

As far as the tag line is concerned: "100% politically incorrect" I'm so tired of people using "politically incorrect" as an excuse to create the worst crap they can. It's one thing to voice an opinion that is not popular, it is another thing to combine rape and feces fetish into one movie and pretend that repulsion to those things is just a matter of political correctness. No normal human being eats feces or fantasizes about watching other people being forced to eat feces. That's not a matter of politics, except to the intellectually bankrupt who enjoys these disgusting movies.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope

[1/10 · 5 April 2016]

If you are wondering why our society is going down the crapper (oh look, a pun), then one look at movies like this will tell you why.

I remember it was only twenty years ago that people were saying that censorship is wrong because nobody is so sick to make a movie like this, and if they did, it would be universally rejected.

Well guess what? A movie like this was made. And a lot of people *actually enjoyed it*.

I want you to think about that for a moment. There are people who ENJOY watching women be forced to eat feces. They get off on it. They think it's awesome. Tell me, how would you like it if it was your daughter was dating a guy who liked this movie? The fact that there is a market for sick movies like this says a lot about what kind of people our society is made up of.

This movie should get zero stars. This movie is terrible from top to bottom. Bad acting and bad directing using psychopath gore as a crutch and an excuse to call itself "art."

"oooh look at this, this movie is soooo edgy and stuff."

Not really. Not even close. It's as intellectually bankrupt as you can get. Thumbs down. I'm an atheist, and the existence of this movie made me want to start believing in Hell again so I can wish the director be sent there for all eternity. And somehow, even that's not enough to punish him for crapping out such a hideous, disgusting movie.

The Dollanganger Saga: Seeds of Yesterday (2015) Season 1, Episode 4

you take what you can get

[7/10 · 22 April 2015]

I haven't reviewed the other three movies and almost didn't review this one, simply because there is no way to correctly deduce the expected outcome of a V.C. Andrews adaption. This is for two reasons: one being that the books are practically a genre unto themselves; and two because there have been no serious efforts made to properly adapt them into visual media that can fully encompass the batcrap crazy rabbit hole that is the writing of V.C. Andrews.

I say this with full respect to V.C. Andrews - she is by far, the most unlikely but gifted writer of her generation. Her books were meant to be notional, dramatic, and horrifying. V.C. Andrews books were marketed as horror books before they became franchised as family dramas. People say V.C. Andrews books are trash - I say they've sold millions copies so judge away, as Flowers in the Attic still enthralls every generation after it's initial publication.

Back to the review. Being that the Dollanganger Saga are all produced by Lifetime, it was a safe guess that they would get the evening news treatment. There is simply no way to accurately adapt one of V.C. Andrews' books without making it into a week-long miniseries. V.C. was a writer extremely and emotionally invested in her books to the point of self-imposed isolation and grieving after one of the characters died. For that, it's almost an insult that Lifetime would slap together a script so they could take advantage a series of books so notorious that Hollywood should have theoretically bought the filming rights decades ago.

But because they didn't, fans of the books will have to take what they can get. In this case, a separate movie for each book; the plot condensed and organized so that the viewer can follow along without having to think too much; with some titillating scenes sprinkled with 50 Shades of Grey mimicry.

That about sums up Seeds of Yesterday, as well as all the other movies. Yeah, I know, no book adaption will ever be the same as the book itself, but Seeds of Yesterday really deviated from the book (as if deviance even exists in the world of V.C. Andrews).

The movie is well made, and the acting is competent for the most part. It's no secret that Jason Maslow stole the show, and has great chemistry with Sammi Hanratty. However, in the book Cindy and Bart hate each other, and Cindy only provoked Bart because she hated him. Well, he did try to kill her as a child so is it really logical that Cindy would grow up and want to have sex with Bart? Not really. Not unless you fetishize dangerous and self-destructive behavior. In the book, I was never given a reason to believe that there was sexual tension between Cindy and Bart. Bart was too obsessed with getting the upper hand on Jory and Cindy displayed behavior that I can only describe as Borderline Personality Disorder. I also say that with respect, as your mother dying at an extremely young age and having a psychotic older brother that rejects you your whole life and even tries to kill you WILL, without a doubt, give you issues.

For those who have never read the books, you are probably wondering why incest didn't occur between Bart and Cindy in the books as the movie makes it look like a great idea considering Bart is both insane and his mother is married to her brother. I suspect that at the point of Seeds of Yesterday, V.C. Andrews got tired of writing about forbidden love vis-a-vis brother and sister; decided it played out enough with Cathy and Chris and so threw in the towel and called it a day. And that's okay! There's two entire books devoted to forbidden incest, did we really need another installment? Personally, I don't think so.

Then there's the absence of Joel Foxworth, who was supposed come back from the grave after being found and nursed back to health by monks in the Italian Alps where he would then live for the next fifty or so years (give or take a decade). Seeds of Yesterday, movie version, is bereft of the batty old man shuffling about Foxworth Hall making snide, undercutting remarks and sabotaging Bart's happiness which almost makes one want to feel sorry for him. Joel Foxworth humanizes Bart in such a way that the movie lacks, and so it's a loss to the movie series.

In conclusion, I am giving this movie a 7 out of 10; mostly because of the shameless butchering of the plot and what feels like a thinly transparent attempt to appeal to 50 Shades of Grey fans.

The Quiet Ones (2014)

booooooooring

[3/10 · 5 October 2014]

This movie has a lot going for it. It's got good effects, music, the acting isn't too shabby, and does fairly well in nailing the period it was based in.

Unfortunately, for this "inspired from actual events" story, it is so incredibly boring, I cannot recommend it to anyone. The characters are well written enough, but there's nothing in the movie that made me feel attached to them or care what happened to them at all. The sequence of events made them look like typical horror movie caricatures, and nothing more. If you are looking for genuine human dynamics, pass this up.

I have a hard time believing anyone would give this more than a few stars. I also have a hard time believing that people still gravitate towards possession movies even though the genre has been done to hell and back - pun intended.

If I knew that this was going to be a quasi-possession movie with useless gadgets thrown in for visual affect, I would have passed this up the same way I passed up Insidius II.

Long Time Dead (2002)

fair acting, sub-par writing and story

[5/10 · 28 September 2014]

I got this movie in a four pack creature feature from wally world that had a discount for a movie ticket on it. So my expectations going into this movie weren't very high.

The acting is okay. The actors seemed to take their job seriously, save for the dude with the long hair. Direction is competent. The special effects are conservative but done well when they appear. Costumes and setting are very good. The background music is good, but the radio and club music is generic house pop typical of the early 2000's, making the movie seem rather dated; although that doesn't tend to bother me. It's the movie script and story itself that is the downfall of this movie.

I read that there were six writers of this script. Six? Really? The way it was written, it seemed like a college horror movie project with a big budget. While the actors did their job, the way the characters were written was typical and banal.

Like Wishmaster, it takes a cursory understanding of non-Western mythology and makes it appear scary and evil. A middle schooler could write the same kind of "oooh, bad spirit comes to the material world to kill and cause chaos" plot line. While it could have had potential, there is nothing interesting or clever about this movie, which is sad because it was so professionally put together.

5/10 stars.

As Above, So Below (2014)

absolutely fantastic

[10/10 · 14 September 2014]

First of all, I gotta say - if you don't like found footage movies, then don't go to this one. Because it baffles the life out of me why people go to movies they know they won't like, just so they can complain on the Internet about them later.

I am a found footage fanatic, so of course the idea of this movie appealed to me. I went in with very low expectations as found footage movie sequencing seems to be repeating itself the last several years. Everything starts out innocently, things escalate, people don't 'get out' while they can, everyone starts dying, everyone eventually dies in sundry, shocking ways, the end.

This movie doesn't do this. It is intense and active from the moment GO, with some scenes to catch your breath in between. I give it props for not following the same formula other found footage movies have, plus it has a deliciously original plot which is icing on the cake.

The main character is a strong female protagonist, so she will not appeal to anyone who buys into bro culture. She is well educated, brave, knows martial arts, and can take care of herself. She flies in the face of every shaky-kneed horror heroine who was only cast to play the part of the victim. So there are a lot of people who are going to hate this movie because she's considered "too brave," "too smart," "too capable" to be realistic. Well, if you've got a low opinion of women to begin with, I suppose I can see how this movie can be offensive. LOLZ.

Besides, part of her charm is that she if sees a sign that says "don't enter" and she goes in anyway like a ferret up a drain pipe. Awesome. Thank god we don't have yet another female character that plays by the rules. Now THAT is clichéd, but certainly not this movie.

Fever Lake (1997 Video)

a remarkably stupid movie

[1/10 · 18 July 2014]

I am not a movie snob - I am always on the lookout for low budget indie gems that are well made for their budget and talent pool.

This is not one of them.

I watched this because I like Corey Haim. I wanted to like this movie because he was in it. But I can't. I just can't. This movie is so bad, I don't think putting all my favorite actors in it would have made a difference.

Corey Haim, Mario Lopez, and Lauren Parker were the only ones who seemed to know how to act. Everyone else seemed wooden and out of place. When a dangerous moment was supposed to be happening, everyone ran like they were out on a leisurely Sunday jog. The pacing of the story can be described the same way, which made me keep checking the time to see how much I had left.

There is literally nothing redeemable about this movie. Nothing in the script is written very well. Not the characters, not the plot, absolutely nothing. The only back story that exists is with one of the main characters, and it's the one you can tell from the beginning who the perp is going to end up being. They give it all away from the start. There is no real mystery or reason for the audience to engage with the story at all.

It's a completely pointless slasher flick. But wait! Aren't there a lot of pointless slasher flicks that are still entertaining? Sure there are - and compared to this movie, they are Oscar winners.

I don't have a problem with movies that employ a lot of ambiance. This is one example where manufacturing ambiance doesn't do any justice whatsoever. There is zero skill in camera angles. Even the music is awful. The costumes would make K-Mart designers go on prozac. It's like they went to a church bazaar, bought a mystery box and dressed themselves blindfolded. I know it's 1996, but even by 1996 standards they were dressed pretty horribly.

There's a lot of reviewers that believe this movie must have been made in the early 1980s, THAT IS HOW BAD THEY ARE DRESSED.

This movie is a total waste. It's a waste of time, a waste of celluloid, a waste of bandwidth, and it's even a waste to have a profile dedicated to this movie on IMDb. It's a waste of an hour and a half of your life.

RIP Corey Haim - even you couldn't save this piece of crap movie.

Unfaithful (2002)

not bad, not good either.

[4/10 · 16 March 2014]

So if you're looking for a way to burn a couple hours on a lazy day, I guess having this in as background noise is a good reason to watch it.

Otherwise, it's a fairly lukewarm made-for-TV style drama that I wouldn't recommend carving out any time to watch it intently.

The acting is good and there's plenty of chemistry, but the story line on the other hand is terribly cliché and the characters aren't well written. It is almost insulting in simplicity as an SUV-driving soccer mom bored with her life finds extracurricular romance in a french guy with an accent. You can find the same synopsis in any mass produced paperback romance.

Human relationships, being complex as they are, require more than just the "girl cheats on guy, guy gets revenge" to make a good movie. You don't really know why she cheated, other than the vague guess that her husband has just gotten too comfortable and has taken her for granted.

It is also perplexing how the husband acts so mild mannered and blasé about his marriage every other day beforehand, but then becomes unstable and murders the other man. The scene is excellently played out, but inconsistent with his overall character.

If I were to re-do this movie, I would pay less attention to the sexual encounters and more attention to the dynamics between the two main characters and maybe do some exploration on Paul's motivations for not caring that his girlfriend is married.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

great installment

[10/10 · 11 January 2014]

I am giving this a 10 because there are people who knowingly hate this series, who are giving it a low rating just to be vindictive.

This is a good movie. The acting was good, the setting was different, and it tied in every well with the rest of the series. It answered some questions and opens up options to end the franchise in a neat way.

I don't know what everyone is complaining about - if you've seen one movie, then you know by now what to expect. The PA franchise isn't Oscar material, but that's not why people watch them. I've also seen complaints that the movies "don't scare" the viewer, but I watch them because they are fun and entertaining, not because I want to be scared. Think: Evil Dead.

So I don't want to give anything away - but if you're a fan, you will like this one. It's better than PA4 and explains a lot.

Eyes in the Dark (2010)

disappointing

[2/10 · 7 December 2013]

I give this an extra star for creativity, but that's about it.

The FBI computer interface emulation is pretty original, but putting the videos in a random order made the movie seem like it was taking itself too seriously.

I really wanted to like this movie, but it makes the same mistake a lot of movies do - they make the dudes jerks to try to make them look "cool" so it's impossible for me to feel anything but contempt for their characters. The same goes for the girls who seemed catty and unapproachable. I don't think young people act like this, and if they do, I fear what the world is going to be like when they're in charge.

I think the biggest problem in found footage movies is that people in real life generally tend to suppress their nasty sides in front of cameras; so footage movies made where the characters act like immature buttholes is very unrealistic to me.

The werewolf thing is okay, but the problem is obvious - they could only show so much of the costume/prop or else it'd look fake. That's fine, but the scenes weren't suspenseful enough for me to care when it did.

In the end, everyone dies, and I was happy that the movie was over.

Shadow Beings (2005 Video)

neat indie movie

[8/10 · 6 December 2013]

I like indie movies, but I really like movies that do their homework on the content even more. "Shadow Beings" is both.

I am impressed that this movie is made with basically a one-to-two man crew, and that was it. For a no-budget movie, the special effects were pretty good. I've seen worse on SyFy with a bigger budget. I hope maybe SyFy will pick this up and give it the financial backing it deserves to be a feature made-for-TV movie.

A part from the research done on shadow people, I enjoyed the artistic symbolism. The fractals and other imagery illustrated the content nicely.

I read the FAQ, and it mentions that this was going to be a series. I can see "shadow beings" easily being a pilot for an online video series.