garysjwa Reviews

The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie! (2010)

A Giant Middle Finger To Comedy Central, And The Show's Fans

[3/10 · 22 May 2010]

When Family Guy and Futurama were brought back after cancellation, each took a sharp jab at the network that canceled them. The Drawn Together creators seem to have devoted this entire DVD to venting their spleens at Comedy Central over their cancellation.

The movie starts promisingly. The Drawn Together gang don't realize their show has been canceled; The Jew Producer still puts them through humiliating challenges for his own perverse amusement; and, in a nice continuity nod, a nameless network executive seeks revenge against the cast for reasons relating to the infamous "Hot Tub" episode. Carrying out the order to kill is a robot named I.S.R.A.E.L. who refers to itself on the third person, leading to lots of gags like "Israel gets blamed for everything." So far so good.

Act II is when everything falls apart. The gang learns their show has been replaced by Suck My Taint Girl, an obvious shot at South Park, and the excoriation of Comedy Central begins.

Suck My Taint Girl does a long, tedious, vulgar musical number, apparently to make the point that South Park does long, tedious, vulgar musical numbers. She then explains to Drawn Together that they can't be offensive unless they have a clumsily tacked-on point, as though this were the only difference between Drawn Together and South Park.

Then they go on an adventure to Make-A-Point Land, which is such a ripoff of South Park's Imaginationland that I looked for Trey Parker's name in the credits. Then it turns out Taint Girl was on the side of the evil corporate executive all along. And on and on it goes. It's not so much bashing South Park as it is the Drawn Together staff expressing their feelings about being dropped in favor of South Park, like some bitter high school kid who didn't get the lead in the school play.

As further proof that this movie is nothing but a giant middle finger to Comedy Central -- who produced and released it, by the way -- watch the DVD extras. They're full of the same. One issue that comes up a lot is the failure to include 3-D glasses for the 3-D scenes; Comedy Central is accused of being too cheap. I suspect the real issue was that the 3-D scenes were of Toot Braunstein having sex.

Back to the movie: the cast goes through adventures and meet fates that are random and horrible and make no sense, even by this show's standards. Act III is pretty much a rewrite of the "Entertainment Weekly" episode, with Spanky Ham once again the voice of reason. But by the time he says "Can we leave Make-A-Point Land and go to Wrap-It-Up-Already Land", you'll agree.

If you're a fan of the show, and you're looking for a better ending to Drawn Together, the last thing you watch should be the "confessionals" DVD extra. Most of the voice actors appear to express their love for Drawn Together and their desire for it to continue. It's a sad, but more meaningful ending to the series -- since there's no chance it will survive this selfish, incompetent mess of a movie.

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008 Video)

About two and a half good Futurama episodes

[8/10 · 1 July 2008]

The problem with "Beast With A Billion Backs" isn't the writing, the storyline, the gags, or the inside references. Those are all just fine. Not great, but a decided improvement over the convoluted and fanservice-heavy "Bender's Big Score."

The greater problem -- one that all four DVD movies will face -- is that Futurama's fantastic worlds and crazy plots just plain work better in 22-minute episodes than as 90-minute stories. It's hard to keep up the energy and the gags for that long, while also involving all the characters and hitting all the notes Futurama fans want to hear.

"Billion Backs" had its share of slow spots, and gags that should have never escaped the Deleted Scenes part of the DVD. (The "schkler" and "schklee" thing was painful.)

The Yivo storyline could have been done in one focused episode (a la "The Day The Earth Stood Stupid"). The Bender/Calculon story would have been an okay B-story for a 22-minute episode, but it was weak for a feature-length movie. The other subplots weren't any deeper than you'd see in a single episode.

I realize that the movie will be broadcast as individual episodes. They should have made them that way in the first place, and cut out the dull stuff.

If you don't believe me, watch the "lost episode" bonus feature on the DVD. It's a compilation of cut-scenes from the Futurama video game, made into an "episode" of about 30 minutes. While it's nothing special, its fast pace and simple plot work a lot better than the padded-out, hit-and-miss main feature.

Having said all that, "Billion Backs" is a fun story that should appeal to all Futurama fans. There are some great gags, some beloved characters we missed in the first DVD movie, a Futurama-quality plot, and a fun homage to 1950s-style monster horror flicks.

Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007 Video)

Not up to Futurama's high standards

[5/10 · 3 February 2008]

It pains me to have to say so, but Bender's Big Score makes a disappointing return for the Futurama series.

One of the great appeals of Futurama was the respect it showed for its own continuity. With Bender's Big Score, that's out the window. Here's the best example: Nibbler's secret life as a powerful sentient being, a subplot the original show spent four seasons building up to, is revealed 15 minutes into this production -- and for no reason; all it leads to is a futile attack on the alien scammers.

Not that this movie doesn't like pointing out Futurama continuity. At times the story looks like a contest to see how many obscure characters it can work in. There are loads of tacked-on and unnecessary cameos; Santabot is probably the most egregious. Meanwhile, important secondary characters like Dr. Zoidberg, The Professor, Zapp Branigan, Kif, and Amy Wong have very small roles.

And the main characters disappoint as well. The Fry-Lars-Leela love triangle is shallow, and lacks any of the poignancy we saw in "The Sting" and other Season 4 episodes. The lambasting of Fox for cancelling the show is heavy-handed; Family Guy did a much better job of this (and if you didn't like it, at least it was short). The alien scammers, while they did have some gross-out appeal with their "sprunging", weren't nearly powerful enough to take over the earth. Leela could have killed all three of them with one kick. And the whole time-travel story (which were once verboten in Futurama) was convoluted and nonsensical.

And above all else... it just isn't funny. I can't think of one funny thing that happens in the whole movie, or any memorable moments.

I can only hope that this disappointing effort was the result of trying to write a feature-length film for the first time, and that it indulged whatever need the creators have to reference themselves.

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)

A mockumentary of a mockumentary.

[3/10 · 21 June 2005]

"A mockumentary of a mockumentary" is the best term I can think of describe this random, self-conflicted attempt at Hollywood self-parody.

Supposedly, a first-time director whose real name is Alan Smithee directs a huge summer blockbuster called Trio. But he thinks his movie stinks, so he steals the film canisters. Cue lots of faux interviews with studio heads, big-budget stars, family members, and random other people who wander in and out of the story.

The movie is supposed to be a lampoon of Hollywood. But everyone in this picture acts like they're afraid to reveal too much information about what they're supposed to be lampooning, as if too good a roasting of executive-Hollywood hubris might cost them a future role. Sylvester Stallone and Whoopi Goldberg in particular seem terrified that anyone might find out that A-list movie stars like themselves really ARE as demanding and arrogant as the parody script portrays them. Gasp gasp.

So the whole thing has a tone of "let's make fun of the boss but we're not sure if he's watching or if he'll think it's funny so let's tone it down." Compromise comedy never works.

On top of that, the real movie Burn Hollywood Burn seems to have suffered all the calamities that the fictional movie Trio did. You've got your petulant cast, a script that's been over-written into a nonsensical blob, and a director who removes his name from the credits. Everything except the master copy being stolen. Unfortunately.

As a result of all these conflicting forces, Burn Hollywood Burn becomes a mockumentary of a mockumentary. It's Hollywood making fun of Hollywood making fun of Hollywood. It's self-parody taken to a new extreme of recursiveness.

And as final tribute to the complete insincerity of this production, there are outtakes in the final credits. Outtakes, in a movie where everybody plays parody versions of themselves. Shouldn't the outtakes BE the movie?

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Like nails on a chalkboard.

[1/10 · 15 June 2005]

Yeah, it's a cliché, but I can think of no better way to summarize the cinematic train wreck that is Napoleon Dynamite. It irritates the hell out of everyone, and the person doing it actually thinks it's funny.

This movie just seemed to revel in being annoying. Every character, every scene, seemed calculated to insult and irritate any thinking person who tried to sit through this dreck. Nothing in this movie was likable, interesting, funny, quirky, or even benign enough to ignore. I just wanted to slap the entire cast.

Here's the scene that best sums up this movie's awfulness. (Warning: this might qualify as a spoiler.) Napoleon wants to go to the school dance with the equally dim-witted and emotionally challenged Deb. But apparently she's going with Napoleon's new pal Pedro. Rather than discuss his feelings with his best friend and his closest female acquaintance, Napoleon gets the brilliant idea to ask one of the popular girls at school instead.

Napoleon decides to try to win the popular girl's heart by drawing a picture of her -- something he might actually be able to manage. Finally, a scene that looks like it might go somewhere. Will he win her over? Will Deb come around instead? Will something funny happen? Not in this movie. He goes to her house uninvited (icky), reveals his hideous Bic-pen-on-lined-paper drawing (really icky), and a little later in the film Napoleon's scheming brother Rico gives the girl a flyer for a breast-improvement clinic (really really icky).

Then, even after his hideous artwork is revealed, the girl's mother doesn't let her turn down this obvious creep. I couldn't quite figure out why. Like I said, the script is not this film's strong point. Anyway, they go to the dance, where the girl promptly ditches Napoleon. He sits in the corner for hours, too stupid to even realize what's happened. Then, we're forced to watch Napoleon conjure up a lengthy series of pathetic excuses for his date's absence, while the dance goes on around him, without ever being poignant or meaningful or funny or even sympathetic.

It's not just that Napoleon's an unlikable creep. It's that you're also forced to watch him bumble around a bunch of supposedly normal people who aren't normal enough to tell him to buzz off. Just once, I wanted to see someone in the movie react in a realistic way to Napoleon (or to anything else, for that matter). Never happened. If this movie was a plant, it wouldn't even grow towards the light.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Contrary to what has been said, there is no subtlety, irony, or anything-y to be found here, except maybe "empty." This is an awful, unredeemable movie that Crow and Tom Servo couldn't save with a carload of exploding clowns and a full tank of laughing gas.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

Stylish, but silly

[4/10 · 15 June 2005]

** spoilers ahoy **

Sky Captain is an attempt at making a modern-day action movie in the style of a 1930s Hollywood epic. It succeeds very well at looking like one. The soft-focused, sepia-toned film evokes the era, and the leading man and lady play their parts well.

The problems begin when the characters start exploring the nonsensical plot they've been handed. Gigantic alien mechanical creatures attack major cites looking for power sources, and scientists from a secret German project during World War I are disappearing. Ace combat pilot Joe Sullivan saves the day, and intrepid news reporter Polly Perkins is out to get the big story.

A promising beginning for a 30s epic, but unfortunately Sky Captain just gets more and more silly as it unfolds. We learn that "Cap" can fly his plane underwater, where aerodynamics work the same as they do in the air. After a jaunt to Shangri-La, based on some poorly-explained triangulation from the hero's obligatory buddy, the lead duo trek to a floating British aircraft platform where they meet the other woman in Sky Captain's life, a tough British military leader (Angelina Jolie, in a glorified cameo).

From there they head for an uncharted island where the shadowy (and as it turns out, long-dead) Dr. Tottenkopf is dabbling in genetic engineering, with plans to populate another planet and destroy Earth in the process. What this has to with giant robots attacking NYC after the opening credits, is anybody's guess.

I think Sky Captain would have been a better movie had it been more about happenings in New York, rather than sending the lead duo all over the globe. Once the characters leave Manhattan, there isn't much to evoke the 1930s feel -- which is about the only thing this movie does well.

Team America: World Police (2004)

Funny, but mildly disappointing

[7/10 · 10 June 2005]

Every now and then, something truly original finds its way on to TV or into movies. At first, it blows you away. But after a few years, followups and copycat efforts take the edge off of what was once mind-blowingly original. Team America: World Police seems to be that moment in the careers of Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

This movie just didn't seem to have the magic of their previous efforts. I don't know if it's because the audience is accustomed to their brand of comedy by now, or if Team America simply wasn't their best work. Either way, this movie lands a little on the disappointing side, despite its hilarious premise.

The characters were too one-dimensional, the satirical skewering of the Hollywood anti-war crowd was too mean-spirited, and they relied too much on pop-culture references in lieu of original gags. (Not to mention that a few of the original gags themselves fell flat.) Furthermore, the Parker/Stone duo needs to voice fewer characters. These guys aren't skilled enough to play ten roles apiece. Especially when they're the same ten voices their fans have been hearing for years. The character Joe sounds exactly like Mr. Garrison. I fully expected Peter Jennings to say "The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park," since he sounded like the generic news reporter from South Park and not at all like the real Peter Jennings.

This unwanted intrusion of South Park severely damages Team America's ability to be funny and relevant in its own right. Had they not given the role of Spotswood to the talented Daran Norris, this movie might have come dangerously close to shark-jumping territory.

But this is still a very funny movie. In spite of the disappointments, there are some real laugh-out-loud moments. Kim Il Jong (voiced by Parker) is a scream. The musical numbers are fun. And of course their trademark style of humor shines throughout the picture. There's still plenty to like here.

This isn't Trey Parker's best work. But in an era where the competition for "blockbuster summer comedy" is unfunny garbage like Without A Paddle and White Chicks, a flick from the South Park team is always a welcome sight for comedy fans. Still, it's a little disappointing to see this movie fall short of the potential of its premise, and of its creators. I doubt there will be a Team America 2, but I'd love to see the boys take another whack at this.

Welcome to Mooseport (2004)

Typical Ray Romano

[19 September 2004]

Welcome To Mooseport is about what you'd expect from a Ray Romano movie. It's bland, inoffensive, mildly amusing, and instantly forgettable.

The film is set in a quaint Maine town, which becomes a media circus when beloved ex-president Monroe "Eagle" Cole (Gene Hackman) moves there. After a series of misunderstandings that could have been resolved in three minutes, Cole is running a bitter campaign against local handyman "Handy" Harrison for mayor, dating Harrison's long-term girlfriend, and helplessly watching his post-presidential career disintegrate.

Handy Harrison is, of course, Ray Romano's character. He's supposed to be the likable Everyguy whose succeeds at everything except understanding his woman. But he's so brusque and incompetent about it that it's hard to sympathize with him, or even take the character seriously. His attempts to win back his girl, and/or interfere with her plans to date President Cole, are more pathetic than funny. Like I said: typical Ray Romano.

Hackman and Romano snipe back and forth at each other on the campaign trail, and squabble over the attentions of Maura Tierney. But the most compelling character in the movie is President Cole's evil ex-wife, played by Christine Baranski. I can't help but think that a bigger role for the ex-first lady would have made this a much better movie.

As it stands, it's nothing really bad about Welcome To Mooseport, but nothing really good either. It's worth renting a headset on a flight, or watching at home on a dull TV day, but that's about it. I gave it 5 out of 10.

Miracle (2004)

8/10 movie about a 10/10 accomplishment

[17 September 2004]

It's hard to recreate the magic of a once-in-a-lifetime event, but Miracle comes pretty close.

It succeeds in recapturing the spirit of the times, the personality of coach Herb Brooks, the tension of the game, and the exhilaration of Al Michaels' famous call as the clock went to 0:00. While there are plenty of minor things I could quibble about, Miracle's ability to recapture the spirit of the Soviet upset makes it a success.

A movie about this subject could easily have been a stinker, but Miracle isn't that at all. It's a great sports movie that suffers only in comparison to the real story. I gave it 8/10.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Tolerable, but far short of the originals

[17 September 2004]

*** CONTAINS MILD SPOILERS ***

T3 is weighed down by a poor script. John Connor is a whiny drifter, reduced to stealing meds from a pet hospital, beaten up by a woman, and unable to escape from a simple dog cage. What happened to the middle-schooler who broke into Cyberdyne, taught a killing machine the value of human life, and actually looked the part of a future resistance leader?

The villainess of the piece, T-something-or-other, is a clone of the liquid metal bad guy from T2. Only dumber, and with some implausible new skills, like the ability to change cup sizes.

There are plot holes and inconsistencies all over the place. For example, they explain that the Ah-Nold character in this movie doesn't know what the Terminator from T2 knew because it's a different unit. But it still goes out of its way not to kill anyone, as in T2.

And if you can believe it, John Connor's biography and the history of the future become even more confusing. Worse than that, there's a revelation that will make you wonder why any of the characters even bother.

Having thoroughly established that T3 doesn't live up to its predecessors, let me say it isn't all bad. The major action scenes are comparable to those from T1 or T2. The Governor of California once again plays the machine in his mechanical, but oddly likable way. I can't find fault with any of the actor's performances; they do the best they can.

Another reviewer said that T3 should not be considered "canon." If you care about such things, you won't like T3. But if you can accept the film's limitations, and overlook the bad attempts at humor, it's a decent action movie. I gave it 6 out of 10.

The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human (1999)

It just isn't funny.

[4/10 · 16 September 2004]

Comedy films fail in many ways. Sometimes the humor is too predictable. Sometimes it's too crude. Sometimes it's too subtle.

But the humor in MHOTEH has a unique problem: it's too non-existent.

The narrator matter-of-factly describes each step of the human mating process, and the actors play out the scene. And that's it. The outsider commentary on the courtship process isn't witty or insightful. The alien misunderstandings are pedantic. The characters are uninteresting, and the plot rarely puts them into any situation that might liven things up a bit. The two or three times it tries to, it fails.

This movie does have a few good moments. But for the most part, you find yourself wishing it would just end, wondering how such a raunchy concept can result in such a dull movie.

Liar Liar (1997)

Skip the beginning and the end

[13 May 2004]

...and just watch the middle part of the film, the part where Jim Carrey's character (Fletcher Reede) can't lie. Fortunately, that's most of the film.

The main plot involving Fletcher's relationship with his ex-wife and young son is dull and mostly devoid of laughs. Maura Tierney has a few moments, but the family seemed to have been tacked on to provide a premise to the punchline of Jim Carrey not being able to lie.

The subplots involving Fletcher's work are far more entertaining. He's forced to deal with an embittered secretary, a back-stabbing harlot coworker, a husky-voiced, promiscuous client (Jennifer Tilly), an unsympathetic judge, a boardroom full of stuffy superiors, and a lawsuit so ridiculous that F. Lee Bailey wouldn't touch it -- all while he can't lie, of course.

Liar Liar would have been better if the family got the axe, and it were made entirely about Carrey's problems at work. But it was still pretty good, a definite hit after a couple misses (Batman Forever and The Cable Guy, plus maybe Dumb and Dumber).

RATING: 7 of 10. If you like Jim Carrey, you'll like Liar Liar.