bheyer Reviews

By Dawn's Early Light (1990 TV Movie)

Laughable, Stupid, Implausible, Insipid, Dimwitted, Bordering on Soap Opera!

[1/10 · 28 February 2005]

Based on the previous reviews I read, here, I have to conclude that P.T. Barnum WAS right: "There IS a sucker born, every minute!" I served four years in SAC (Strategic Air Command), including a year-and-a-half at Offutt Air Force Base (Headquarters SAC, Omaha, Nebraska), and if ANYONE disobeyed orders, and behaved irrationally (like some of the "professionals" depicted in this awful, awful, awful movie did), they'd have been shot on the spot. Or, at least, we'd HOPE they would! MY GOD, the BAD acting in this movie, plus the BAD writing, the BAD production values (can you believe one reviewer on this board said, "top notch production values"? Yeah, based on WHAT, "Plan 9 From Outer Space"?!), the BAD special effects (on a level with the 60's TV series, "Batman," actually!) and the BAD direction, had me CRINGING in my seat! I quite literally HAD to watch this turkey to its unlikely conclusion, JUST TO SEE HOW BAD IT COULD GET! The ABSOLUTE WORST "acting" was perpetrated by the pilot, and co-pilot, of the B-52 crew (Powers Boothe and Rebecca De Mornay); DO you think the writer of this schlock could've had them on the same page, for at least two minutes??? I mean, one minute he (Boothe) is at her throat, and the very next minute he wants to "canoodle" with her! He calls her the BEST co-pilot he's EVER had, and a heartbeat later, he's giving her cyanide, and ordering her OUT of the cockpit! He (Boothe) engages in fisticuffs with another crew member, and later, THAT crew member ejects himself from the aircraft! JEEZE, at least Slim Pickens DIDN'T have THESE kinds of problems in the FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR superior, "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb." In that classic, the B-52 commander (Pickens) ONLY had to contend with a malfunctioning A-bomb. Speaking of "Dr. Strangelove," one of the crew members from that earlier movie returns in this one: James Earl Jones. Man, HIS character is SUPPOSED to be a SAC-trained professional? He waffled, so much, I wanted to call him "Aunt Jemima!" You want to take MY advice, and the advice of a few other sane, rational and intelligent posters on this thread? SKIP this crud, and watch the vastly superior "Dr. Strangelove," and "Fail-Safe." Even "On The Beach," with Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner and Fred Astaire, for end-of-the-world scenarios. BOTTOM LINE: Even the spoof, "Airplane," with Leslie Nielsen (!!!), made more sense than this bottom-feeder did.

Caged Heat (1974)

The Biggest Waste of Time Since My Last Blind Date (Harelip, Clubfoot)

[22 February 2005]

I just purchased "Caged Heat," partly as a result of "reviews" that I read, here. Are you people ON drugs, or something? Are YOU substance abusers? All I can say is, AFTER watching it, I GOT ROBBED!!! It cost me $13.24 to buy the DVD, I feel like using it as a frisbee, now! WHAT, you get the distinct impression I didn't like the movie? Let me put it like THIS: If Ed Wood's, "Plan 9 From Outer Space," were pitted against Jonathan Demme's, "Caged Heat," for Best Picture of the Year, Ed Wood would walk off with the statuette, with Bela Lugosi on one arm, and Tor Johnson on the other! I don't care IF Leonard Maltin gave "Caged Heat" two-and-a-half stars, in his Movie & Video Guide. In the Special Features portion of the DVD, Maltin interviews the legendary Roger Corman (he refused to finance "Caged Heat," but he did distribute it), and Maltin kisses his posterior, up-one-side-and-down-the-other! Folks, I'm here to tell you that Leonard Maltin is a whore! IF you want to learn about BAD acting, BAD writing, BAD directing, BAD production values, BAD musical scoring, BAD sound, BAD cinematography, BAD costumes (WHAT costumes, the prison inmates ALL wear civilian clothes!) and BAD everything else, BUY or RENT (RENT is better!), "Caged Heat." I absolutely LOVE (ADORE!!!) Barbara Steele (she plays Warden McQueen), but she embarrassed herself by appearing in this insane piece of crud! NO STARS!!!

The Devil's Advocate (1997)

Yet Another Al Pacino "By The Numbers" Movie. All "Shtick" And CGI

[4/10 · 6 January 2005]

Behold! Al Pacino, over-acting! Behold! Al Pacino engaging in loud, bombastic and long-winded speeches! Behold! Keanu Reeves looking so puzzled, for LONG stretches of the movie, when the obvious has been made clear to the viewer, early on! Behold! Al Pacino lipsyncing to Frank Sinatra's, "It Happened in Monterrey," while prancing about a very large room, filled with computer generated images of heavenly (and not so heavenly) statues, engaged in all manners of horseplay! Behold! A stupefyingly LOUD musical soundtrack, filled with heavenly (and not so heavenly) religious symbolism, and STILL Keanu Reeves doesn't "get it!" Behold! Uber-Babes, Charlize Theron and Connie Nielsen, disrobing to full-frontal nudity! Behold! More F-words than even "Goodfellas!" Oh, my God (pardon me, He's implied in this picture, but He must've missed His cue), I could go on and on with the "Beholds!" Look, THIS movie is 144 minutes of Al Pacino ranting, raving and over-acting. THIS movie is for the myriad of high school and college students, out there, that got by with "crib sheets." I mean, unlike Roman Polanski's FAR superior, "Rosemary's Baby," and Paul Wendkos, "The Mephisto Waltz," there is absolutely NO subtlety expressed in this film, WHATSOEVER! It just continues to beat you over the head, until you are so thankful when the end credits FINALLY roll. For the benefit of cretins who STILL don't "get it," think Beelzebub, Satan, Lucifer and "Old Scratch." NOW do you "get it?" Good, it only took Keanu Reeves 143 minutes to arrive at the same conclusion! If you want good Al Pacino (and not heavy-handed schlock), rent "The Godfather," "Dog Day Afternoon," "Scarface," "The Godfather Part II," "Carlito's Way," "Donnie Brasco,' "The Insider" or "Insomnia." In "The Devil's Advocate," he's just phoning it in. TOTAL prostitution. Just in it for the bucks, so he can afford to play Shakespeare, off-Broadway.

Heaven's Prisoners (1996)

Goes nowhere, and takes FOREVER to get there!

[3/10 · 29 December 2004]

This movie goes absolutely NOWHERE, and it takes its sweet time getting there. All of the characters talk like they just left a Humphrey Bogart/Dashiell Hammett/Raymond Chandler film noir picture from the '40's, only highlighted with Cajun accents, instead. Lotsa' veiled threats; I mean EVERY cliché in the book, and then some. Star, Alec Baldwin, is horribly miscast, and runs the acting gamut from "A" to "B." Dennis Quaid, who starred in the earlier, and FAR superior, "The Big Easy," would've made a much better choice for leading man. Alas, we're STUCK with one of the acting-challenged Baldwin Brothers. Poor us! Some of the other posters on this thread made mention of "bloopers." Well, I didn't see them, woe is me. If I had known about them, earlier, I'm sure they would've provided me with some impetus to stay with this "yawner" without dozing-off, from time-to-time. As it is, if you miss Teri Hatcher's ("Desperate Housewives") EXQUISITE nude scene near the beginning of the film, you really have nothing to stick around for. If I had a choice to make, either watch THIS movie, OR the aforementioned "The Big Easy," I'd go with the latter film, EVERY day of the week, and TWICE on Sunday! Again, to be seen ONLY for Teri Hatcher's full-frontal (the collar matches the cuff!) nude scene.

Beach Party (1963)

Sand, girls, rock 'n' roll, girls, surfing, girls, etc.

[8 November 2004]

Okay, I'm a sucker for ALL the old "Beach Party" movies, starring Frankie and Annette. How 'bout that? They're like Fred and Ginger, Hope and Crosby and William Powell and Myrna Loy: They're icons! This movie, the ORIGINAL "Beach Party," is the BEST of the lot if you're asking me. Besides Frankie and Annette, Bob Cummings and Oscar winner ("Written on the Wind") Dorothy Malone, also star. I can't believe that someone on this thread actually described the WONDERFUL Bob Cummings as "offensive." Apparently, this person NEVER saw this actor on his old "Love that Bob" TV sitcom from the '50's. I did. A more lighthearted and fun actor I've never seen; decidedly NOT "offensive."

THIS movie is just like the old Beach Boys song, "Fun, Fun, Fun." NOTHING to take seriously. Pure fluff, just like the old Doris Day and Rock Hudson comedies from a more innocent time. Not too much in the way of plot (hot-blooded and red-blooded American girls and boys, sand, surfing, rock 'n' roll, a little harmless sex (c'mon, this IS 1963!), a couple of middle-agers (Bob and Dorothy) and the most tame, inept and funny "outlaw" motorcycle gang you've EVER seen! Also, a GREAT supporting cast: Morey Amsterdam, Harvey Lembeck, John Ashley, Jody McCrea, Eva Six and EVEN Vincent Price!

Look, upon reaching puberty, Annette Funicello was my very first "crush." I'm 55, now, and I STILL love her! This movie didn't re-define the American cinema, but there are FAR worse ways to kill 101 minutes!

The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing (1955)

"Joanie" soars, while the movie snores!

[27 October 2004]

Like the person that preceded me on this thread, I, too, saw this movie on the True Stories Channel, just this very morning. Over the years, I had seen bits and pieces of it, before, but never the whole movie in its entirety.

With that said, I must admit that I am a HUGE (!!!) Joan Collins fan, so it's doubtful that I would've subjected myself to the movie's excruciatingly slow pace had it NOT co-starred "Joanie." I mean, I've followed "Joanie's" career through muck ("Empire of the Ants") and mire ("The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing"), so I can honestly say that "Joanie" MAY star in bad motion pictures, but she NEVER gives a bad performance!

Yes, I agree with the other posters, Ray Milland DOES, indeed, deliver a VERY bland and wooden performance as architect, Stanford White. However, much the same thing can be said for Farley Granger, too, in the villain's role of Harry Thaw. While I can't speak for Granger, I feel I must stand up for Milland: In 1945, under Billy Wilder's superior direction, he won a much-deserved Oscar for his performance as an alcoholic in "The Lost Weekend." So, for his lackluster performance in this movie, I place the blame on the director, Richard Fleischer.

Look, this movie was supposed to be a break-out role for "Joanie." Alas, it wasn't to be. Sure, she'd go on to make other "A" movies, like "Land of the Pharaohs" and the rare Paul Newman clunker, "Rally 'Round the Flag, Boys!" However, after the final Bob Hope/Bing Crosby road movie, "The Road to Hong Kong," "Joanie" was lucky to get work in TV shows like "Batman."

Fortunately, OUR "Joanie" is a SURVIVOR! Super-producer, Aaron Spelling, remembered her from his salad days, and cast her as the Super-Bitch, "Alexis Carrington," in his night-time soap opera, "Dynasty," and the rest - as they say - is history!

Crossing Delancey (1988)

Miss this movie, and you miss a REAL gem!

[10/10 · 21 October 2004]

THIS is yet ANOTHER one of my Favorite Movies of All Time! A small movie. No dizzying array of special effects. No computer generated images that seem to take over the story-telling. THIS MOVIE, is ALL ABOUT characters. It's character-driven.

That means it's a turn-off for about 90 per cent of the viewing audience. You see, character-driven "stuff" is hard work for most movie-goers, today. No car chases, no explosions, no pyrotechnics, no blue-screen CGI. Poor babies, ALL they have left is narrative and story! WHAT can THEY make of THAT? Look, I fell in love with "Izzy," the main character in "Crossing Delancey," as played by the wonderful, sublime actress, Amy Irving, the VERY FIRST TIME I saw it! Man, WHAT kind of putz is Steven Spielberg for ever divorcing her? I feel sorry for anyone that dislikes this movie. It's got a GREAT "feel good" ending to it!

Something's Gotta Give (2003)

"Annie Hall" meets "Garrett Breedlove"

[16 October 2004]

I wanted to like this movie, I really did. I mean, it has Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Frances McDormand, Amanda Peet and Keanu Reeves in it; It HAS to work, right? Strangely, no. The first hour of the film was fairly interesting enough: Jack and Diane have a real disdain for one another, because they're such opposite numbers. Then it turns into every one of those silly Doris Day & Rock Hudson sex romps from the '50's and 60's. The only thing missing is the legendary Tony Randall, and he TRULY is missed because he'd have the theatre smarts to liven up this lame, predictable movie! As it is, the supporting cast (Frances McDormand, Amanda Peet, Keanu Reeves and - especially (!) Jon Favreau) have almost NOTHING meaningful to work with. This leaves Jack and Diane to carry the entire load, using a script that is tired and threadbare. Lazy storytelling, folks! The story is SO old and hackneyed, I anticipated the ending well before the two lead characters dropped their mutual disdain for one another, and started making "goo-goo eyes" at one another, instead. So, HOW do Nicholson & Keaton try to put some life into this shlock? By raiding their stage trunks, and dragging out some of their stock characters from earlier and more successful movies, that's how. We get "Annie Hall Redux" from Keaton, and "Garrett Breedlove"/"Daryl Van Horne" from Nicholson. I mean, AREN'T we getting a little tired of seeing Jack using the same slightly breathless voice routine, and sly, sarcastic and cynical "wink-wink" tricks using his eyes, by now? I think so! Look, Jack Nicholson was infinitely better in "As Good As It Gets," and Diane Keaton hit it out of the park in "Annie Hall," which - for her - WAS as good as it gets!

The Heart of Me (2002)

Don't doze off, or (worse) "surf" to WWE Raw Wrestling

[27 September 2004]

Wow! I just got finished watching a VHS copy (remember that? Before the advent of DVD?) of this movie, and reading ALL the finally written, flowery comments fellow viewers bestowed upon this particular film. I mean, the prose they used kind of reminded me of English Literature 101, in my freshman year of college, when "brown nosers" wanted to impress the Professor! One chap actually used the word "lugubrious." C'mon, WHEN'S the LAST time YOU used the word "lugubrious" in a sentence? THAT'S what I thought! Yeah, I had to look the word up in the dictionary, too. Actually, it means, "mournful or doleful," and that pretty well sums up this flick. Except THIS movie stars the wonderful, the splendorous and the truly MAGNIFICENT, Helena Bonham Carter! HOW do you adequately describe HBC? Not beautiful, not homely, "she's got, she's got, she's got BETTE DAVIS EYES!!" In this "Masterpiece Theatre" style melodrama, HBC hits all her marks, and delivers all her lines, superbly. Olivia Williams, who plays her sister in this period piece (1930's and 1940's), is a treat to behold, also.

All I can say to conclude is, ONLY the British can pull a film like this off. And, IF you are a big fan of "Die Hard" movies, or "Terminator" style flicks - you MIGHT want to STEER clear of THIS movie! Otherwise, you'll be "sawing wood" within the first five minutes. You know, "zzzzzzzzzzzz!" That's right, "noddy-land."

Victor/Victoria (1982)

How do YOU describe "great?" I define it with this movie.

[22 September 2004]

My God, the reviewer before me MUST be mad!!! Either that, or he/she must be struggling with their own sexuality! THIS is one of my favorite movies of ALL time. Julie Andrews is in fine musical form; James Garner gives one of his greatest comedic performances since "The Americanization of Emily" (also with Julie Andrews) and Lesley Ann Warren just about steals the picture! This movie scores a solid "10" for comedy, a sterling "10" for music and a rousing "10" for romance! ANYONE that DOESN'T like this movie should suck an egg! HOW did Lesley Ann Warren NOT win an Oscar? Ditto, Robert Preston? I consider myself a guy's guy, but I confess I tear up every time I hear the opening refrains of Julie singing "Crazy World," the film's theme song. Bravo, Blake Edwards!!!

Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

What Does One Eat For Thanksgiving Dinner? Yes, Turkey!

[19 September 2004]

To call this movie a "turkey," would be giving it credit that it really doesn't deserve. To think, the GREAT Catherine Zeta-Jones followed-up her Oscar-winning performance as Velma Kelly, in "Chicago," with this crud, is almost unbelievable! Folks, I attempted to sit through this tripe on HBO In-Demand, and got no further than 23 minutes.

I'm SOOO glad I didn't rent it at Blockbuster - or worse - purchased it, outright! What's that? It's the Coen Brothers? Just goes to show that even THEY can produce a clunker (or two), once in awhile. As for co-star, George Clooney? TERRIBLE! He's his usual smug, con- ceited, arrogant self. All I can say is he's probably playing HIMSELF! As for Cedric, the Entertainer, HE'S WAYYY too "over the top." As a matter of fact, this WHOLE movie (well, at least the 23 minutes that I watched) is played TOO FAR "over the top." You know, when I made plans to watch this movie, I thought it was going to be a

sophisticated sex comedy like "How To Murder Your Wife," with the IMMORTAL Jack Lemmon. Turns out, it's in a league with Pauly Shore. IF it comes down to THIS, and

"Bowling for Dollars," tonight, for your TV viewing "pleasure," stick with strikes and spares. Again, THIS movie is a TURKEY! (Yeah, I know, THAT'S a pun!)

Haunting Desires (2004 TV Movie)

Put the stake away, this flick "barely" passes muster!

[12 August 2004]

I set the VCR timer for this movie. which was being shown in the wee, wee small hours of the morning, on Cinemax; well past my bedtime, anyway. The title intrigued me, and so did the brief description, outlining the plot. Okay, so I just viewed the tape - in broad daylight - NOT that there were any scares, or anything. The "plot" of the film (flimsy as it is) takes up about 5 minutes of running time. The other 85 minutes is soft core porn: male-on-female, female (lezbo action!) on female and male on multiple females. It's standard cable fare, LOTS of writhing but NO penetration. Hardcore porn star, Evan Stone (who looks like a cross between Fabio and Skid Row lead singer, Sebastian Bach), plays "Adrian," a 2,000 year old vampire. Unfortunately, he speaks in a soft whisper, making it hard (something the movie fails to do!) to understand him. Maybe if the producers of this flick had had the resources ($$$), they could've gotten horror movie veteran, Christopher Lee, to dub Evan's lines. As it is, it looks like they had a $1.98 budget. Anyway, the lead actress, Beverly Lynne, is H-O-T!! With her spiky blonde hair, she reminded me of a young Lorrie Morgan. You Country music fans KNOW who I'm talking about! The other babes in the movie are pretty hot, too, especially the busty brunette vampire who figures in the film's "twist" ending. I place sarcastic quotation marks around the word twist, because the denouement can be seen a mile away.

There you have it: cheesy plot, cheesy dialogue, tepid acting, lazy direction, lame vampire villain and sort of makes it wiggle in your pants soft core sex. It's too bad they didn't make a hardcore version of this movie; I just might've purchased the DVD. Bottom line, I give this film a 4 out of a possible 10, JUST because of Beverly Lynne's sterling presence. Otherwise, I'd rate it a 2.

Pretty Woman (1990)

I admit it, I'm a sucker for a "pretty woman!"

[5 August 2004]

No, I don't "follow" the reviews of "autumnshowers" (the preceding reviewer), but I read his/her (?) account of this movie and found it utterly pretentious and completely wrong. Before I begin with MY review of "Pretty Woman," I have to warn you, I'm biased: This movie is one of my Top Ten Movies of All Time. Why, you ask? 1) Julia Roberts in a star- making role. 2) Richard Gere, who must've realized somewhere during filming that he was playing second fiddle to a young woman in a star-making role. 3) Jason Alexander at his smarmiest best. In his eventual obituary (a LONG time from now, we hope!), they'll probably recap that he once slapped Julia Roberts silly in this movie (I know, HISSSSS!!!). 4) Laura San Giacomo in yet ANOTHER great supporting role. 5) Hector Elizondo (a fixture in movies directed by Garry Marshall) at his all-time scene-stealing finest. I love to watch this movie (I've seen it between 50 to 100 times - I know the dialogue by heart) just to see the looks on Elizondo's face when he shares a scene with Roberts. They run the gamut from reproach to pity to acceptance to admiration and finally to warm respect.

{SPOILER WARNING}

The scene at the end of the movie in which Elizondo (as hotel manager, "Barney" Thompson) kisses Roberts' hand, when she extends it for a handshake, and says, "come back and see us, again, sometime," never fails to tug at my heart. I mean, these two have really gone through some character development, together. In Elizondo's final scene in the movie, he agrees to return a necklace and matching earrings, given to him by Richard Gere, to the store he borrowed them from. Elizondo opens the jewelry box and says, "it must be difficult to part with something as beautiful as this." Of course, he's not talking about the jewelry, he's talking about Julia Roberts who parted company with Gere (reluctantly) the day before. This sets in motion the BIG reconciliation scene on the fire escape of Roberts' seedy apartment. Yeah, I know, this movie is about as believable as the Red Sox winning the World Series, but - to me - it's a veritable delight from beginning to end. No matter how low I feel, this movie ALWAYS brings a smile to my face. So, WHAT'S so wrong with that? As a matter of fact, Cinemax is showing this movie TWICE, tomorrow - at 6:15 a.m., and again at 4:00 p.m. I'll be in the viewing audience, too. Why? "It's the best!" I know what you're thinking: WHY doesn't he just tape it? Well, I did. However, I like it better when I know OTHER people are watching it at the same time as me. You know, like sitting in a movie theatre? The best part is knowing that at least some of these people are watching for the first time. How I envy them!

Moment by Moment (1978)

Boy, for a "Moment," this film felt like an "Eternity!"

[30 July 2004]

While "channel surfing," I came across this movie on the Love Stories channel. I was taken aback by the unlikely coupling of John Travolta and Lily Tomlin (sharing a hot tub, together, NAKED, if you can believe that!). Actually, although this movie disappeared VERY QUICKLY from movie screens, back in 1978, I did vaguely recall it, though. To be sure, THIS movie is to Travolta & Tomlin what "Ishtar" is to Beatty & Hoffman. In other words, not likely to make their highlight reels. Anyway, what kept my hand away from the channel clicker was the realization that Lily Tomlin wasn't a bad-looking woman in her day (she was 39 when she made this film). In fact, I found her pretty sexy, in a Mary Steenburgen kind of a way. As for Travolta, he was 24 when this movie was made, so he was 15 years her junior. Not so hard to believe, because Travolta and the late actress Diana Hyland enjoyed a REAL LIFE romance, a year before this movie was made, and she was 17 years older than he. Okay, enough of the sweet talk, the plain truth of the matter is that this movie is REALLY, REALLY BAD. Bad script, bad acting, bad direction; oh, well, you get the idea. I mean, Travolta's name in the movie is "Strip?" Every time Tomlin called him by his first name, I thought she was telling him to take his clothes off! I read most of the other reviews this film received on this site, and the reviewers who called it a "Great Romantic Story," and "Flawed Masterpiece," must be on drugs. Folks, take it from me, "Casablanca" this ain't! It's a good thing this film is NOT on either VHS or DVD or even laserdisc: if you gave it to your girlfriend for Valentine's Day, she'd kick your butt out the door!

Ghost (1990)

Good show!

[13 July 2004]

This movie was released in July of 1990, it cost $22,000,000.00 to make, and it has returned over $517,000,000.00 in profits. If "Striptease" was the nadir of Demi Moore's film career (thus far), then THIS has to be considered her apex! Look, Patrick Swayze runs the acting gamut from "A" to "B" (thank you Dorothy Parker for that put-down!) - he has all the charm of a wooden Indian - but he helps make the movie work. Just like he did in "Dirty Dancing." Hey, THIS movie doesn't just "work," it SOARS! Bottom line, I'm a guy, but at the first refrains of the Righteous Brothers' hit song, "Unchained Melody - and the first appearances of teardrops under the eyes of Demi Moore - I LOST it! Okay, SO it's a "chick flick," we should ALL get in touch with our feminine side, sometimes!

Killing Moon (1999 TV Movie)

Pretty bad.

[1/10 · 20 June 2004]

In the annals of movie-making, "Killing Moon" ranks up there with such turkeys as "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman." Besides being cursed with a Baldwin in the cast (in this case, Daniel), the movie also suffers from an almost unintelligible script, Ed Wood type cheapo sets, wooden acting and a director (John Bradshaw) who must've come down with the same "mysterious disease" that infected some of the airliner passengers so boringly depicted in the picture. Some truly outrageous dialogue is spoken in this movie, and "you-gotta-be-kidding-me" situations are blandly acted out. Really, HOW many interesting variations of "The High and the Mighty" are there? My advice? ONLY watch this flick if you have a terminal case of insomnia.