scoey Reviews

The Dirty Girls (1965)

Tame nostalgia now, shameful smut yesterday

[4/10 · 13 July 2023]

It should be noted that the man who overdubbed such great kid's classics as Speed Racer, Astroboy, and Ultraman was a co-writer of this film. The late Peter Fernandez (1927-2010) was in show biz since age 7 and co-wrote this sexploitation film when he was 38. I wonder if he ever had ideas for the plot lines of the many cartoon which he voiced around the same time.

The chain-smoking narrator sounds to me like the guy who voiced the Taster's Choice commercials of the 1970s, a voice that sounds like a bear snoring. Could that have been Peter? His dubs never had that gravelly sound. He is credited as. "(voice)(uncredited) on this page.

I'd like to hear the perspective of a sex worker of that time on this film in terms of how it captures the situations and the emotions of the protagonists.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Nothing really happens, nothing really matters, SPOILER?

[1/10 · 8 August 2020]

How can you write a spoiler if what you're saying is that NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS FILM. Film is a visual medium and you must SHOW something happen for it to be a legitimate film.

Though I walked out (one of only two films I ever walked out of) after the first 30 minutes passed with NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENING, I am confident in telling anyone reading this that, from everyone I have spoken to or read from, there is no witch, there is nothing scary, this is not a project, it is the beginning of the worst genre of film-making ever conceived. The ONLY things that could make "found footage" films worth watching would be if something interesting actually happens and if it is in VR so you can be in the experience yourself. When I asked someone who saw the film all the way through what he thought was scary about this, he said "some people said the woods was haunted or cursed." I asked point-blank "Does anything scary actually happen? Does someone get harmed in some way?" He said, "Well, what's scary for some people isn't scary for others."

So, if a spoiler is telling people about what happens in the film, then I can't spoil it. Nothing at all happens. People wander around and get scared for no reason. They go into a wooded area that they heard was haunted or cursed, but it's nonsense. They just scare themselves over nothing at all and then the credits roll. Not scary, not interesting, not a wildly creative new form of cinema, just absolutely NOTHING TO SEE.

The Old Guard (2020)

Style and beauty...no substance

[1/10 · 3 August 2020]

How do writers with no imagination sell work this horrible? Nepotism? Blackmail? There are a few...very few elements of the story which, had they explored them, might have made the psychotic blood lust of immortal beings slightly redeemable. Since zero stars is not an option, let that fact serve for the one I had to give it. It was a movie. They get a star.

These immortals kill people who are, as one of them aptly put it, "children" to them like someone introduces themselves to guests at a crowded party. Obviously whatever gives them immortality gives them little intelligence and absolutely zero wisdom or conscience.

While the current state of our culture requires "action" which really means "mass murder" to keep their attention, it's really the lowest common denominator. The subject of a human being who lives for more than 2,000 years could keep an audience's attention without murder as the main plot if the story were written by a truly creative, thoughtful, imaginative writer. That writer did not appear in the room after the focus group of idiots they hired for this movie's formula were asked what elements of an action story they'd like to see.

Nothing about this movie is original. The elements it cannibalizes from other stories are hobbled together clumsily and without depth. Their attempts to express "diversity" in the cast are formulaic and not at all organic. Its nice they threw in some homely people to balance out the picture-perfect beautiful ones, but they still cast quite a few people whose main talent was on display in their head shots.

This movies is a caricature of mindless, bloody, killing fantasies without a soul, and without anything at all to say that matters.

Fade to Black (1980)

My first "slasher"

[7/10 · 6 July 2020]

I was 11 when this came on Showtime. When I saw it, sneaking into the TV room late at night, keeping the volume low, hoping to see boobies, I was shocked by the violence, particularly the senselessness of it. I wish I'd had parental guidance to help me sort through the emotional impact of this film. I like to think I "turned out okay" except now I am afraid of Marilyn Monroe impersonators.

Empire of the Sun (1987)

Empire? Which one?

[9 February 2016]

Great Britain's "nickname" historically was the empire upon which the sun never sets. This was due to their far-reaching imperialist nature. The film even begins with a history lesson / scene setting exposition which illustrates how Shanghai was basically a British colony, indistinguishable from England in terms of its buildings and infrastructure. Hong Kong was still under British rule until the end of the last century.

So, when another reviewer, NeuroticMovieLover, describes this film as one showing the destruction caused by a nation that wanted to control everything, I must ask, which nation would THAT be? Fascism was rampant around the world, highly fashionable with those in power at that time. Business leaders in the United States bristled at the notion that Germany was not a trustworthy ally, even as they began to conquer Europe. It was only because American business interests were threatened by fascist expansion that the U.S. entered the war against the "Axis of evil". We were just the other side of the same imperialist coin. Our overlords were better at selling servitude as freedom than the SS, Mussolini's black shirts or the Hirohito cult of personality.

This film was very good at portraying people from every quarter as being as flawed as they were noble. This was not a movie condemning Japan as the bad guys.

Salem (2014–2017)

This show, though highly entertaining, is NOT historically based.

[1 May 2015]

Don't be fooled by reviewers who have seen one too many Harry Potter films as they grew up and believe that supernatural "magic" beings called "witches" are a real phenomenon. There is virtually NOTHING about this show that resembles actual events. Sure, on the periphery, there are hints about how difficult life was "roughing it" in the early days of the colonies, and the roots of modern-day religious intrusion into public policy are shown for what they are, power-hungry people (usually men) trying to use religion to serve their own selfish purposes.

But when the writers are looking to boost viewership, it is not the history of the very REAL "witch hunts" which they turn to, it is instead the supernatural silliness of necromancers, sorcery, and satanic cultism, which, again for the sake of entertainment only, they peg for the blame of the witch trials, rather than the all-too human tendency to abuse the gullible morons who are ever-willing to surrender their own will and good sense to the authoritative proclamations of superstitious surrogates (clergy).

If the producers declared that this was based on fact, then there might be good cause to burn them at the stake for their irresponsibility. In my opinion, this show is a comedy, a farce, and pretty gross too. One thing I say in every episode is "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" It's extremely gory and they push the envelope with child sexuality in the form of a 10-year old boy raised by witches to usher in the rule of Satan, a fictional character that many still believe is real. Some may find this use of a cute kid trying to "get it on" with his mother as a cheap stunt to shock the audience.

Otherwise, it is a lot of fun to watch, as long as you don't take one minute of it seriously.

SuicideGirls: The First Tour (2005 Video)

Pretense and low-class trash is back in style!!!

[13 December 2006]

Finally! A film about the most over-hyped and under-whelming group of whores ever assembled!!! This movie is a MUST-BUY for anyone who got plastered, got pierced and tattooed, and wonders if anyone will ever take them seriously as a person after their all-too-brief adolescence is over.

The answer for all you gutter-trash, self-mutilated, wanna-be Elviras is this: You can always do cheesy strip teases and soft-core porn!!!

As a man, I'm thrilled to see hot young girls get naked and shake their asses for me. And it's true that some of these girls look like they'd be a lot of fun if I made sure to bring a lot of condoms along to prevent disease. But the culturally deprived idiots who think this is somehow more "artistic" simply because these girls have parental anger issues and are due for some major plastic surgeon bills in about 10 years can go stuff their hype up whatever stud-encrusted orifice they'd like.

Suicide girls is just a marketing gimmick for the same old cheap smut.

Playboy, it is not.

Second-rate wanking material is more like it.

I might get this for my 13-year-old cousin. He'll love it.