grandmastersik Reviews

Double Threat (2022)

Absolutely horrible!

[1/10 · 22 March 2023]

I saw the trailer: it looked low budget but kind of interesting, so I gave it a go... wow, what a mistake!

You know those really crappy kung fu films when there's a fight every 5 minutes - just because - and the fight is awful?

This is kind of like that, only it has really sucky dialogue in between each action scene. Some may say that this was all tongue-in-cheek, but when the female leads talks about string theory... you know it's pretentious crap!

Honestly, I couldn't last even half of this film before turning it off - it's THAT BAD!

Please, do yourself a favour and avoid this stinker!

Also, why are there so many high ratings here?

10? Several 10s?

I suppose is the writer, director and lead all logged in, that would explain the 10s. Trust me: this is absolutely horrible.

The New Mutants (2020)

And this had... how many reshoots?

[1/10 · 25 November 2020]

To be honest, I'm mainly gutted that this will be the last film I see in the cinema for... well, until the billionaires who own the planet decide that this CONVID-1984 hoax has ended. In this country, no-one is sick, no-one is dying... yet we're ordered to wear masks and everything gets closed down!

Now THAT is a psychological horror!

Rant aside, this total mess of a film bored me to tears for 40 minutes... and then the mandatory LGBT crap started. I went out to the toilet and I ended up sitting in the lobby until my mate came out, firstly asking where I'd been, and secondly apologising for the stinker he'd selected for our film night!

AVOID.

Inherent Vice (2014)

A spellbinding mess

[1/10 · 24 November 2020]

You know a pretentious film within minutes... and, as is often the case, they are all style and no substance.

Inherent Vice is exactly that, as a needless voice-over tries to sound poetic while either saying nothing or telling us what we've just seen. Every shot is pretty, the actors are all on form, but their dialogue is almost incomprehensible, with an overly-convoluted plot that, were it not so, would be B-grade detective material.

I managed just over 40 minutes of this spellbinding mess before I my logical mind yelled at me the benefits of an early night! Honestly, by missing this, you are missing nothing except the feeling that you're wasting your time by watching it.

Verdict: an absolute stinker to avoid!

Silent Hill (2006)

30 minutes was too much

[1/10 · 13 September 2020]

After an excellent opening, this one went downhill at break-neck speeds. God-awful acting from the mum and cop, along with stupid s**t in general, meant that I was no way going to suffer any more of the non-event snooze this film was shaping up to be.

Yes, it's based on a computer game. Yes, there's never been a good film made from one yet. I should have heeded that warning.

Cursed (2020)

Merde

[1/10 · 24 July 2020]

A couple of weeks after white actors had to resign from voicing black characters in cartoons, a black actor plays Britain's most legendary hero, King Arthur. He then tells the "haters" to "educate themselves"... perhaps as to why such racially motivated double-standards are perfectly fine in today's messed up world?

Fortunately, Arthur is not yet the king... unfortunately, the story opts to make, The Lady of the Lake - pretty much a sub-character in the myths - into the leading role and, also obvious given today's world, as a butt-kicking heroine. Sigh. One may wonder as to why the creators didn't just make a programme about an Amazon - if they wanted the modern cliche of tough women - or of Boudicea - if wanting to set it in Britain - as opposed to reinventing femininity... but, well, who cares, right?

All of the above aside, WOW, is this bad! I hate all this woke crap being forced upon us, but man, modern writers really need to stop focusing on sending messages and go back to learning how to write dialogue! Almost every line is *CRINGE* and the talent of the performers makes me wonder if I imagined the entire #metoo movement, as there's only one way those two leads could have ever gotten their parts!

Bad writing, worse acting and subliminal, political messaging aside, there's not really much to recommend, aside STAY AWAY FROM THIS HORRIBLE MESS.

Yes, I'm "shouting". Please listen.

The Wailing (2016)

Do not believe the hype

[2/10 · 28 May 2020]

With nothing but stellar reviews, 25 minutes in, the plot a shambles and the film boring, I had to check that I was watching the right flick! One hour later, it occurred to me that this disaster of storytelling still had an hour to run... which, unfortunately, I sat through like a severe test of patience.

Come the ending, I honestly wish I hadn't bothered and that more negative - sorry, realistic - reviews/comments of this overly long, dire mess of a film were being published, as I felt both cheated by the hype and resentful for the time invested in such crap.

Note to nerds: not everything from Korea is a "masterpiece"; sadly, this film is a great example.

Band of Brothers (2001)

I couldn't get into it

[4/10 · 25 May 2020]

I really tried too! I have to announce then, that Band of Brothers is one of the most over-hyped productions of all time.

When the series first came out, the nerd from Friends almost turned me off of it... instead, the fact that it was boring did. Fast forward 10 years and I still found the pilot dull, the next episode like a watered down PG rated war flick and then the 3rd episode seemed to lose all focus whatsoever. In the 4th episode, our merry band of Yanks jump into occupied Holland for Operation: Golden Market, but don't expect A Bridge Too Far! The Yanks, losing a mere 4 men, were clearly away from the core of the fighting and they live to fight another unexciting battle in the next episode... not that I'll give this tedious programme another minute!

The problems with BoB were that the characters are bland - and, yes, I know it's a war programme, concentrating the majority of its one hour length per episode on the combat - but I never really cared who lived, died, said what, did what, etc. The "action" - as mentioned above - felt too sterile too. Given those two aspects, there's not really much to recommend.

I would have given the programme 3/10 but the real aeroplanes in fly-by and the authenticity of the scenes really bumped up the production value, deserving that extra mark for effort.

Money (2019)

A poor man's Wall Street

[1/10 · 12 May 2020]

Greed is Good. Boring rip-offs which I turn off just before the hour mark, most definitely are not.

Some dumb-looking mook with a girly-built body and spiffy Hugh Grant fringe (i.e. the typical Korean heart throb), is a nobody who dreams of becoming a somebody. He achieves this by insider trading, makes a ton of cash, goes on holiday to the Carribbean, returns to Korea to hook up with the office skank (who he knows has been bent over by every investor in town)... and we're supposed to even remotely give a damn?

There is the financial investigator sniffing at him, but there's absolutely zero drama, nothing seemed to happen and I wasnt about to give the film the extra hour (it being a 2 hour long film), to see if it would get 10 million times better or remain as tedious as it was until its guessable conclusion.

My advice? Watch something else.

The Damned United (2009)

Thankfully, it's NOT a football film

[7/10 · 6 May 2020]

I love football... but let's be honest: football films are pants.

The Damned United follows two men, bound by admiration, respect and ambition, as they journey towards greatness... a feat neither could (or so, the film would have us believe) attain without the other.

In an era blighted by the LGBT agenda, it would have been easy for the creative team to imply an unsaid, never acted upon homosexual bond between the two leads, but thankfully, such ridiculous notions were rightfully shunned, and audiences the world over can enjoy this tale because of it.

Brian Clough is obsessed by a rival who wronged him... and everything he does from that point onwards is to get even. But this isn't a story of revenge, but of how eccentric brilliance needs an anchor, lest it destroy itself.

A solid 7/10 flick.

Guns Akimbo (2019)

I have the power!

[7/10 · 20 April 2020]

If you loved the classic, Crank, give this a go. Damn, now I've over-hyped it.

Guns Akimbo is a cheap-looking, cheesy, pop-culture-quoting, ridiculously over-the-top relentless assault in the senses and that's what makes it so fun (or not, if you're one of the viewers who gave the film 2 stars).

Socialphobia (2014)

Loved the concept; bored witless by the execution

[1/10 · 19 April 2020]

A film about flamers, trolls, online hardmen and the addictive and destructive reality of Twitter - what's not to like?

The film starts out well, quickly leading to an apparent suicide when a gang of idiots go to the home of a keyboard warrior to expose her identity, but unfortunately, the pace quickly drops off and, at the 40 minute mark, it was a real struggle to continue watching - I was that bored!

Nothing much happening 10 minutes later with the two hapless leads playing The Mystery Gang with an intensity that would have seen even the classic, Scoob, get axed, and the message dropped, the team behind the film clearly overlooked one very important side effect of the internet: lower attention spans.

I consequently turned the film off, hence its low rating... which may seem unfair, given that it was competent and I've (somehow) sat through much worse flicks, but anything I can't bring myself to watch in entirety is an automatic 1 by my personal rating system and, honestly, my only advice would be to avoid this snoozer.

Star Trek: Picard (2020–2023)

Opinion based on the complete 1st series

[5/10 · 28 March 2020]

Woke-nonsense has killed American TV and cinema... surely, after the heinous mess that was Discovery, Star Trek learnt...?

Starting out with black-white couple, I had my doubts, but the action of the 1st episode was thick and fast and Picard was introduced somewhat well, along with a catastrophe of the Romulan empire which piqued my interest. Unfortunately, the plot then went on a 7 Samurai road, as Picard travelled the universe, assembling his rag-tag crew, with plenty of fan-crap chucked in when really, I just wanted the series to stick to the plot!

Going by all the negative reviews and people giving up the programme after a few episodes, I was not alone.

Eventually, Picard arrives at a Borg cube - where he should have been several episodes sooner - and I found myself to be getting back into the programme (despite an actual samurai tagging along). Also, it was SO REFRESHING not to have been inflicted by the Woke disease! Yes! Star Trek had learnt (just shame about the mess of the plotting).

I won't spoil this for anyone, so I'll fast forward to the end, at which point, it felt like an absolute eternity of dreariness and preaching before the series did, actually end. To be honest, it was the inevitable outcome to the plot, yet still, it was massively unsatisfying. Tacking on an addition (almost) 20 minutes only made the finale worse.

In the final sequence, we then see two female characters linking fingers in a cringe-inducing, totally unnecessary moment that made me wonder if American TV shows have a bare minimum Woke quota before they can air, and I fear for the 2nd series - seeing as how one is in development - given the poor writing, needless nostalgia, plain soppiness and how two of the key female characters now appear to have entered into a lesbian relationship.

Thankfully though, Picard was void of Woke for the most part... it's just a shame that its creative team were also void of any good ideas or originality. Perhaps Worf will appear in the 2nd series to add some much-needed charisma to its bland cast? However, given how insipid this series was, I'll still have to be on lockdown before I go out of my way to watch it.

The White Storm (2013)

A throwback to the HK glory days

[7/10 · 11 March 2020]

When John Woo's, The Killer, was all the rage, when Ringo Lam's, Full Contact, was the best film I'd ever seen and long, long before Korea took the crown of best action films made in Asia, Hong Kong was the go to place to get your kicks.

Thankfully, people like Benny Chan are still in town, so not only did we get the rare instance of a superior remake with his, Connected (orig. Cellular, USA), back in 2008, but now I've discovered this gem from 2013, which is simply made for fans of Hong Kong's golden era, right before Britain's hand-over.

When three buddy cops go on a mission to bust a drug lord in Thailand, common sense gets ignored (or they wouldn't have even been there in the first place) and they soon suffer for it. Fast forward five years and an unexpected event leads to a chance of revenge...

Yes, I'd definitely recommend this one! Sure, it has its faults, but if you're a red blooded man into heroic deeds, men bonding without the implied subconscious homo-erotica crap that Hollywank inflicts upon its viewers, and you like your action in abundance, then give this film a chance.

And if you're unfamiliar with Hong Kong's glory days of action cinema, you might even rate this higher than I did.

Black Mirror (2011– )

Not my cup of tea

[2/10 · 16 February 2020]

Okay, I only watched the first two episodes, but this isn't the kind of thing I'm into and it seemed pretty pointless.

In the pilot, the PM has to bone a pig or the abducted princess will be bumped off. The drama is tight - I can't fault that - but was there any real point to the episode? Afterwards, had I not just wasted 45 minutes?

The second episode shows some bloke who is apparently a slave to the gaming and online world. It should be a scary future, but it was as boring as hell! I managed just over 10 minutes of the episode before I turned it off.

I have absolutely no intention to see the 3rd episode or any from the other series... to me, it felt like a grossly over-rated programme. Maybe if you haven't read the classics, such as A Brave New World and 1984, this will all seem like an eye-opener for you, but, personally, I'd rather spend my time watching something completely different or being outside.

Burning (2018)

An hour shorter and it could have been amazing

[5/10 · 10 February 2020]

As Salad (a band most band of you have never heard of) once sang: Nothing happens in this town, Nothing moves.

That's the problem with this film: nothing happens, it never seems to go anywhere... after a while you'll likely start checking the clock. I almost turned this film off just past the hour mark because it was pretty boring and, Hae-mi, the female lead, was annoying, not relatable in any way whatsoever and, frankly, she was driving me mad, dancing around semi-naked, stoned.

But - for some unknown reason - I persevered (and believe me: no-one should judge you if you don't).

In the end, Jung Su, the naive country-boy, starts to come to life (oh, did I forget to mention that he'd basically done nothing up until this point?). The film meanders along and then, BAM! One of the best endings I've seen in recent memory.

Then again, I watch a lot of films and, sadly, most nowadays are crap.

So, whether the ending is enough to make someone award this snooze-a-thon 10/10 is debatable, but IMDb is full of stuoid idiots and pretentious idiots alike. Just watch it and make up your own mind... but don't be surprised if you turn it off half way.

Memories of Murder (2003)

Criminally over-rated

[3/10 · 6 February 2020]

Wow, when people talk about great Koreans films, this one always comes up... and, having finally seen it, I cannot justify its praise.

Two dumb cops look for a rapist-murderer, they're soon joined by a detective from the capital, who I imagine just fancied a change of scenery. Cue some drama, a lot of boredom and a so-called "artistic" ending where some bloke looks directly into the camera.

For this film to be as acclaimed as bona fide Korean masterpieces is an insult. Do yourself a favour and check out, Extreme Job, instead - at least you'll be entertained!

The Boys (2019– )

If you can get past the anti-religion and pro-LGBT stuff...

[7/10 · 17 December 2019]

The Boys is an entertaining programme. Yeah, okay, the love of your life may well soon be forgotten when a chocolate-eyed blonde babe with super powers comes along, and there are some clear agendas going on as I mentioned in the subject line, but overall, The Boys is an entertaining programme - so much so, I fact, that I had to repeat myself.

Vagabond (2019)

A man on a mission

[6/10 · 17 December 2019]

A stunt man sets out to avenge the death of his nephew, uncovering a massive conspiracy along the way.

I won't go I to details as to the plot - you can read all about it in the other 10,000,000 "reviews" posted here; instead, I'll give an honest opinion of the series:

The first episode felt like a bit of a drag, I kept wondering why bits weren't cut (which certainly would've saved some of the budget), and then recognising someone from mobile phone footage seen a week or so prior seemed like a huge stretch... but once the action kicked in, all was pretty much forgiven.

And let's set the record straight: the action is what we'll all watch it for (albeit, the eye-candy of the female lead is a nice bonus).

I've seen the entire first series so I can tell you: there are parts that drag, there are points where the story feels just too convoluted, where the tone shifts almost to comedy for no reason, or gets too cute, or where the action lets up too much, or the action seems too ridiculous, but overall, it's a decent series worth your time if you're into this kind of thing.

However, the series could've been tighter - one or two episodes easily could've been shaved off for cuts that probably should have been made - and it is very far from perfect, hence the 6 rating.

That said, it held my attention until the end (just about) and there are many out there who would overlook all the concerns I've mentioned, simply because TV & cinema is full of so much s**t nowadays! This probably explains all the 10 ratings you'll see here, even though Vagabond is merely an entertaining series one could easily skip.

Code 8 (2019)

A heist flick we've all seen before... but with super powers

[5/10 · 17 December 2019]

A construction worker who can generate electricity from his hands gets involved with other super powered thieves to pay for his mum's medical treatment. It's cliche and been done a million times - with all the usual characters, plot points and twists - but at least the powers are new.

It's hard to recommend this film, really, because it's very average and doesn't offer anything we haven't seen before, but fans of Arrow will be pleased to see Stephen Amell providing a bit more range (just a bit, mind), and showing that he does have the talent to earn a wage beyond dumb comic book stuff.

A lot of talk has been of how good this film looks with its (supposedly) low budget. Yes, it looks every bit as professional as any feature should, but that still doesn't make up for poor casting. The lead, Arrow dude's brother, is too old for the role - I think at one point in the film a cop mentioned he was 25 and still living at home, yet he looks at least 5 years older. Another problem is that the woman cast to play his mother, looks 10 years older than him at the most! The special effects don't mean much when these are the visuals that niggle.

Another problem was the usual dig at white men: of the two cops investigating, one is white and the other Asian... and, naturally, it's the white one who hates those who are different! Frankly, I was worried this would be further rammed down our throats, Hollywood-style, causing needless disdain, but we were thankfully spared.

The Invincible Dragon (2019)

Unwatchably bad

[1/10 · 6 September 2019]

Sigh, where to begin?

The film starts off almost as a comedy, but it's ludicrous instead of funny. Then, the hero of the story gets posted to a new location - which is supposed to be quiet - only to find a serial killer is bumping off female cops. Horrible dialogue ruins this film - if someone told me a saboteur destroyed the film in translation, I'd likely believe it. That's how bad the dialogue is. Voice-overs fill in the blanks as the film hops locations, not making a lot of sense, with almost zero drama, until some black dude hops out of a bath tub with a kick for no apparent reason, a herbal medicine doctor goes full-annoying and... well, I simply couldn't suffer the mess of the plot and bad characters any more and I turned it off.

Production-wise: great - lighting is fantastic, shots are aesthetically-put together and the sound's professional, but, oh my god, is the story tripe!

Sanada 10 Braves (2016)

Not funny, not action-packed, just bad

[1/10 · 19 August 2019]

After a cartoon introduction that went on faaaaaar too long, the cheesy beginning kind of announced that this would make Monkey Magic like like a Kurosawa masterpiece. Still, I gave it a chance.

15 minutes later, I simply couldn't do it any more - boring dialogue, slow pace, and an almost complete lack of action in a film that's supposed to be funny but never once made me even remotely amused me, meant that it just had to be turned off.

If anyone can actually sit through this, I'd award that person 5 stars, but for being an absolutely terrible piece of merde, I give it 1.

Extreme Job (2019)

I laughed my arse off!

[9/10 · 19 August 2019]

Inept cops take over a run-down chicken shop to spy on gangsters, in what is truly a great recipe for success!

I've pretty much summed up the film, the 9/10 says the rest, so watch it.

The Secret Scandal (2013)

Me Too before it was a thing... but too dull to stir any emotional support

[4/10 · 19 August 2019]

Girls in the Korean film inustry - or who are desperate to break into it - are passed around by management companies... for whatever there is to gain. One such girl hates having to give it out to all those graffiti guys, gets depressed and, unable to leave her manager due to some contract only an idiot(/desperate hoe) would sign, kills herself.

Sigh, now here is the real issue: if girls would do anything to get ahead and men know it, what is the fuss? Okay, I'd hate for any woman I knew to be forced into that position, and it's crap that ego-tard men in powerful positions can't respect women who say No, but instead, bench their careers because there are plenty of other chicks willing to say Yes (or, "Yes! Yes! Yes!") , but the film never explores this argument. I fact, the film offers precious little anything - it just kind of assumes that the viewer will be gripped due to it being based on some hot Korean girl who hanged herself after being treated like meat for too long.

To be honest, the film has a very powerful message: it's a screwed up industry that needs to change. Unfortunately, this isn't brought into play. The film literally plods along at a snail's pace, ends, and we're supposed to give a damn. Personally, I was too bored to be affected, and that's the real shame: a stronger film and this could've brought about change a few years sooner.

Ajin: Demi-Human (2017)

Excellent action flick that suffers from a condensed running time

[7/10 · 18 July 2019]

I haven't read the comics or seen the cartoons, so I went into this clueless - no idea what it was about whatsoever.

The lead, Nagai, is in hell: he is experimented on, he has limbs amputated, he is killed and... he comes back to life again, fully healed. This torment goes on and on - and this being the film's opening, we don't know how long he's suffered this cruelty.

Sato is another Ajin - which is what Nagai also is, hence the never-ending cycle of death and life; he busts Nagai free, gleefully slaughtering everyone involved in the experiment and asks Nagai to join his crusade of bringing down such evil facilities, so their kind will never again endure these ordeals. The catch? Sato wants Nagai to kill a few scientists to prove his loyalty.

Okay, so after going through hell, why not get some payback? Nagai refuses and illogically fights Sato to save those who had butchered him relentlessly... seemingly for chuckles. This is the first head-scratching moment in a streamlined film which skips the majority of character development to concentrate on the action. And why not?

The problem is that, by condensing - good only knows how many - comics into something like 80 minutes (which is actually 109, but it goes so fast!), Nagai's character and his bizarre choices don't make a great deal of sense - a massive pity, because the action's great and there are a lot of cool ideas to more than make up for a lack of Hollywood production money.

Ultimately, the decision to cut 10 or 20 minutes by omitting the reasoning behind Nagai's stupidity/irrationality (take your pick), along with that of a certain female, hurt the film much more than slowing the tempo slightly or pushing it over 2 hours ever could. This film easily could've been a 9/10 but as it is, a 6 is fair and a 7 generous - and since I liked the concept so much, I'm being generous.

Acts of Violence (2018)

The budget went on Bruce Willis

[5/10 · 15 July 2019]

Some of the reviews here paint this film as stinker of the year, but it's really not that bad. True, the script could've done with some work, but for a low budget action film, it's 80 minutes well spent when comparing to social media or the majority of Hollywood crap.

Ignore reviews claiming this is badly made as it's definitely competent... it's just nothing special, and that's why I can't give it any more than a mediocre 5/10 rating. The two brothers playing soldiers nailed their roles,by the way, which is always a boost for this kind of fair.