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Reviews
Road House (1989)
Brilliant
True, this movie is a B movie, however in terms of sheer entertainment value you really cannot go one better. Patrick Swayze is playing a certified hardass hired to clean up a bar in a corrupt town. He ends up fighting an evil syndicate hell bent on milking the townsfolk for every penny they've got. Yes, this plot line sounds like an episode of "Walker: Texas Ranger" and plays like one too, however it is a wonderfully entertaining piece of cinema. Towards the end an exceptionally late introduction of Wade results in the feeling of a rushed plot line, and a truly ill placed stripping scene managed to cheapen the entire movie. Aside from that it has a wonderful eighties charm and wonderful eighties big hair.
They (2002)
Not bad, but not good
As far as horror movies go this is particularly boring. There are far too many scenes where too little is happening, as well as the true nature of the "Night Terrors" being ridiculously vague. There are also long spats where absolutely nothing happens, and the scares come from people walking up behin other people and "phones ringing". Not exactly involved stuff. It plays like a psychological thriller, however the psychological thriller aspect is almost none existent. It is as if all the foundations are laid for an interesting movie full of interesting psychological twists and turns, however there is a massive gap where all this stuff should be. The actual ambiance of the movie is quite impressive, the mundane day to day life does contrast well with the "night terror" scenes, however there is not enough actual elaboration about what the night terrors are, so little in fact that you could find yourself (at just after halfway through the movie) begin to feel as if you really can't bring yourself to care about the night terrors. Ultimately this movie falls down because there is not enough action, and for a horror movie that really is a shame because not a lot is needed. If the psychological aspect of it had actually been tactfully pulled off rather than slotted in and left to the imagination of the watcher (it sounds like a good idea but it really is not) this movie would have been far more enjoyable. It was not to be, and the plot-line fell apart towards the end and became even less coherent than in the beginning. This is certainly one to miss if you're looking for a good scare.
My Super Sweet 16 (2005)
My super stroppy 16 year old
It's difficult to find words to describe how truly sickening this show is. It's also extremely difficult to know whether MTV deliberately made a show which is a complete shower of trash or whether this really is the insult to humanity it appears to be. Even if this show is a deliberate strike at the heart of human decency the fact this point is not made obvious (perhaps because of the increasingly shallow context of MTV) could even be considered quite dangerous owing to the fact that the intended audience really are too young to realise just how this sort of attitude blights society. The primary problem is the unabashed worship of materialism - this show represents selfish, hateful, greedy and ignorant behaviour in much the same way loyalty, respect, dignity and love are represented in mainstream media. Revolting garbage, has to be seen to be believed.
Root of All Evil? (2006)
Powerful documentary highlighting precisely why religion is a problem
This thought inspiring documentary highlights the arguments which exist against religion, arguments which go completely uncountered by the religious people Dawkins speaks to. People get hung up on the fact Dawkins has not been "respectful" but that is precisely the point of this documentary; it is questioning why people demand a special "respect" for these insane beliefs about sky-fairies and demons etc despite the fact they are self evidently nonsensical. Richard Dawkins has no such hold ups and questions religious beliefs as the scientific assertions they are, making a convincing and clear-cut case against religion in all it's forms. This documentary is a truly inspiring piece of work and should be watched by atheists and the few religious people brave enough to listen to reason instead of believing "bronze age myths".
Death Warrant (1990)
Good premise, utter tripe
Louis Burke is an undercover cop sent to investigate a prison where inmates are inexplicably dying. Doesn't sound too shabby, Jean Claude Van Damme in a prison full of people who can slowly put their faces on his feet and fists. That is, in essence, why you would watch a Jean Claude Van Damme movie so it's disappointing that this is exactly the opposite of what happens. After running around corridors for an hour and a half, being put in solitary confinement (although allowed out to have sex, because sweet mercy that's what being Jean Claude Van Damme is about) Burke suddenly finds out inmates are being killed and their organs removed, not in some event relating last hour's worth of clues he'd been gathering but because the guards left a surgical saw conveniently next to their big suspicious medical cabinet. Despite knowing full well at this point Burke is an undercover police officer, rather than simply kill him they decide to resurrect the most homosexual super villain since the 1960's "The Joker" to do the job for them. After having his cronies beat up Burke The Sandman brandishes a knife in his general direction, stroke's Burke's torso a bit and walks of laughing whilst Burke collapses (due to the damage incurred by two minute Hispanic men slapping his shoulders). From here in the movie just becomes one massive cock tease. There are about 4 opportunities where you're CERTAIN an awesome fight scene is about to break out. Opportunity 1: Hundreds of prisoners begun running at Burke, just asking to introduce their skulls to his feet. Fight avoided by fat evil guard shutting door on prisoners. Opportunity 2: Nasty guards surround Burke, leave their guns outside and start being massive jerks. Situations revolved by priest running in and shooting guards. Opportunity 3: Evil guard, who has been begging for a fight since the beginning of the movie enters the room with a shotgun and begins goading Burke into a fight. Fortunatly the guard stops to tell an injured black man how he's certainly going to shoot him then stands there smiling into space for over 7 seconds before Priest (with no real explanation why he's there)simply walks in and shoots him. Opportunity 4: Burke's spider sense tells him The Sandman is close by, and he flexes he screams for his nemesis to engage him in a final duel. The Sandman doesn't feel like duelling and instead takes Burke out by THROWING A SPANNER AT HIM....real mature asshole.
At this point Burke and the Sandman enter into a tall rectangular room, with the entire inmate population gathered above them, cheering for Burke's demise. I hope you're not the type of person who enjoys action movies with a climactic final battle, though if you're the kind of person who enjoys movies with a hilarious slap fight you're in for a treat. Here is a brief overview of the fight: - The Sandman picks up a bottle and slaps Burke with it 4 times. - Exhausted by the effort of slapping man with a bottle, The Sandman stands bolt still for a good 5 seconds before diving on the floor while Burke waves his feet in his general direction. - The Sandman runs over to a huge furnace, opens it, puts his hands in the air and begins giggling like a schoolgirl. - After standing laughing for another 5 seconds Burke's simply kicks The Sandman into a furnace - The sandman leaps out of the furnace, charred to a crisp, puts himself out by rolling, stands in front of a piece of metal sticking out of a wall and giggles at the camera for a further five seconds. - Burke performs the exact same kick, only this time The Sandman is impaled on a spike. With his last words he reminds Burke that he is The Sandman and resumes his giggling until he dies. - The inmates, overjoyed that Burke killed their companion, decide he's not such a bad guy after all and let him leave the prison.
Burke kisses his girlfriend, his one eye'd black companion is put in an ambulance (fortunatly the gun wound directly to his heart is now on his stomach so he'll probably live). Credits roll, we all wonder what the hell happened to a movie which started out quite well.