elang-1 Reviews

Mr. Holmes (2015)

Offensive and absurd political commentary.

[3/10 · 21 July 2015]

The use of the Atomic Bomb on the Empire of Japan in 1945 by the United States was necessary to end the war and save millions of Japanese and American lives.

Why one may well ask did I find it necessary to quote every creditable scholar of the last century about an event of war in a review of a Sherlock Holmes movie? Because the makers of this film found it necessary to use it as a vehicle to criticize the aforementioned event as some kind of crime against humanity. It was not. The Empire of Japan was the crime against humanity.

In the course of the story the protagonist travels to post World War II Japan and is depicted being hosted by the kindest, gentlest and most polite people imaginable whereupon he tours Hiroshima and witnesses gape-mouthed the devastation - for no good reason. It was not elemental to the plot and served no purpose whatsoever. The Japanese of that era were not kind and gentle. They were a brutal militaristic people that enslaved a third of the planet and murdered millions upon millions under the boots of their bloodthirsty army.

Otherwise the film was perfectly charming. The landscape beautiful and the acting superb. What a pity that it was all wasted to make an absurd political statement.

If Marxist revisionist history is not your bag then you're sure to be insulted.

Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

French Philosophers Invade Needle Park

[1/10 · 27 April 2014]

This movie is supposed to be about vampires but I think is a vampire because I felt it draining my soul away as I watched!

You might think you're screening a sequel to, "Panic in Needle Park" instead of a vampire movie by the gaunt emaciated appearance of the central protagonists and their lethargic natures. They behave more like Heroin addicts then creatures of the night and even their reaction to a blood meal is how one might expect a junkie to enjoy a fix. Also much like addicts their creature comforts are of little interest to them. They wear filthy clothing and abode in abject poverty with Detroit paying host to most of the film. The only thing managing to keep you from falling into a deep depressive state after exposure to their lifestyle is their intolerable smugness and utter contempt for humanity. If you have any self-respect whatsoever the characters should stimulate a certain level of indignation in you.

Throughout the film they suggest that every artistic achievement of mankind was actually theirs or of those like them and that humans are nothing more then dimwitted idiots. In fact they refer to us, "zombies".

If you're a devotee to leftist memes you'll particularly love this movie because just about all of them are represented here. The characters lament constantly about pollution and how humanity is destroying the planet while making use of every modern convenience possible. They drive cars, fly commercial airlines and even talk on cell phones without a single regard for their hypocrisy.

At one point one of the characters rants about the shabby way scientists have been treated. He shouts, "they threw Galileo in jail!" Yes they did for violating the scientific method. He published a book that presented his theories as facts and they took those things very seriously back in those days. If only we did today everyone would a lot better off. Then he growls, "they're still b*t*hing about Darwin". Sure we are because after over 150 years his theories remain unproven. Theories are not facts and science is not faith. Science is observation but today you really need a lot of faith to believe in Darwin because there is nothing to observe.

Oh how I longed for Professor Van Helsing to appear with stakes in hand to free me from my torment but alas he did not.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Paranormal Inactivity !

[1/10 · 22 October 2009]

If you find the sight of grass growing freighting, do not watch this movie alone ! However, if you’re like the rest of humanity you’ll find this movie miles beyond boring. In fact, if this movie was available a few years ago I am sure the CIA would have considered it an extreme torture technique and suitable for use at all our fine concentration camps. I can imagine a press conference featuring the former vice president voicing his insistence that he did not order captured terrorist suspects be subjected to this film.

The acting was amateurish, the dialogue childish, the production values nonexistent. The chubby female lead however was quite effective in her role as a nagging, annoying young women who seemed to be caught in a perpetual menstrual cycle. I found myself rooting for the paranormal presence, creature, whatever it was to finally seize her up and gag her mouth. I won’t spoil the ending of course but I will say it ended in a quite satisfying way.

This is a Halloween offering but don’t bite this apple, someone put a razor in it.

The Red Baron (2008)

A treat for aviation fans.

[8/10 · 21 January 2009]

If you're an aviation fan, you're going to love this movie. The aerial scenes of World War I era biplanes in action are truly astounding.

The lead role of the Baron is played by Matthias Schweighöfer whose boyish good looks and magnetic smile are fully exploited to make the Red Baron impossible to dislike. The character of the Baron is portrayed as a young man of high principals who struggles to reconcile his humanity in the completely inhumane circumstances of war. He is torn between his sense of duty to his country and it's megalomaniac leadership and his conscience. Now I don't know if any of that is actually true, but it makes for a touching story nonetheless.

Overwhelmingly I was aware that the makers of this movie wanted to transmit the message that Germans are not the stereotype so often portrayed in war movies as either emotionless auto-bots of death and destruction or blood thirsty hums. Is this done in an effort to raise public opinion of Germans (it is a German production by the way) or because audiences are growing intolerant of stereotyping and it's injurious, evil nature. I can't say, I'd like to believe the latter, but you'll certainly find the Baron and his fellow pilots all endearing characters and you'll be saddened when most of them meet their maker in the course of the story.

The writer – director Nikolai Müllerschön isn't very loyal to historical facts in many respects. I was particularly disturbed by the portrayal of the German Emperor (Kaiser Wilhelm) as a warmongering protagonist and Paul Von Hindenburg as a foolish smiling fat man. However, in order for the character of the Baron to shine so brightly the Baron needed dark forces to nobly resist and therefore these men were transformed to serve that purpose. I strongly advise the viewer not to expect to get a history lesson from his movie.

Against the Dark (2009 Video)

Steven Seagal Ginsu's plague mutants by the score !

[5/10 · 19 January 2009]

Against the Dark staring Steven Seagal is certainly a departure from the standard formula employed in his passed movies. In this nonsensical yarn, the rotund Seagal plays the urban legend street fighting hero as always, but instead of battling drug dealing thugs or terrorists, Seagal is out saving the last vestiges of humanity from blood thirsty cannibal plague mutants. Seagal and a party of mostly lethargic companions prefer to make use of swords and knives to slice and dice their mutant antagonists which makes little sense since if the mutants were contagious with a dangerous communicable disease, drenching themselves in their blood would seem to be unwise. However, the courageous multi-chinned Seagal braves the endemic risks to rescue a pitifully helpless band of plague survivors (one has to wonder how in the world they managed to survive at all given their utter helpless condition).

As usual, Seagal's marshal arts skills are showcased and he demonstrates that even the likes of Orson Wells or Raymond Burr could have been marshal artists despite their physical handicaps. The real stars of this movie are the mutants and you might find yourself routing for them before it is over.