ninjaalexs Reviews

A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989)

Tell Him He's Dreaming - Mediocre Sequel

[5/10 · 7 May 2024]

One of the worst in the franchise. It has many references to popular films at the time: The A-ha Take On Me music video, The Omen, The Exorcist, body horror like Tetsuo Iron Man & Society, Judge Dredd and Dark Horse comics.

Robert Englund is always fun to watch, but for the most part his one liners are forgettable. It is clear to viewers he has become a parody of himself. Due to the popularity of the franchise this film and Dream Master also feel more "child friendly" with less gore and more fantastical effects. It's worth mentioning this film was cut by the MPAA and the cut version was carried over to Blu-ray and streaming media. Even without the cuts the kills while inventive especially a comic book fight with Freddy lack the menace of earlier films, making Freddy look like a loveable Uncle.

The film was a box office success making almost triple its 8 million dollar budget. However, it is often panned by both genre critics and fans as being the worst in the series after Freddy's Revenge. It's difficult to argue, but there's still a good deal of invention and style to this bookmark of 80s slashers.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Beyond The Pail - Mediocre At Best

[5/10 · 5 March 2024]

Not a bad film per se, despite often being featured on many worst films lists.

Mackenzie Astin plays Dodger a young lad who is constantly picked on by bullies who are considerably older for unknown reasons. He works in Manzinis antique shop for Captain Manzini, a fantastic Anthony Newley who manages to come across as likeable, fatherly and avoids all the creepy dirty old man tropes that plague some father figures in family friendly films. We also never see Dodger's parents or him go to school. Is he orphaned? Is it bank holiday? Is his name a reference to street urchin, the artful dodger? I've no idea.

The Garbage Pail Kids are little people with animatronic masks and they look pretty decent. Sadly the film suffers from the repetition of unfunny fart, vomit and pee jokes. Kids love gross out humour, but there's no wit to it. The bullying scenes are also unnecessarily mean with no charisma to any of the bad dudes. Compared to Hank and Marv in Home Alone who are not only funny and likeable but also menacingly enough to be a threat. In GPK Dodger just comes across as being abused by 20 year olds which is just plain weird. Gorgeous B-movie actress Katie Barberi plays older love interest Tangerine. It's sort of difficult to like the character, money obsessed and as much of a bully as the other gang. Phil Fondacaro who plays Greaser Greg is kind of fun clearly modelled on the Fonz and possibly Andrew Dice Clay.

I don't think the film is unsuitable for children, but the bullying scenes are downright mean spirited. With something like Karate Kid or Monster Squad or Diary of a Wimpy Kid it works as there is more heart to it. Who knows with a better script, some hilarious jokes and some better plotting we could have had something special. What we ended up with was a strange curio that obtained cult status by accident. Real disappointment is just how much better Gremlins, Ghostbusters and Legend are at doing something which is cute but scary while maintaining a broad appeal.

Hale and Pace (1986–1998)

Picking Up The Pace - Equally impressive and mediocre

[7/10 · 5 January 2024]

Coming out in an era when satire was king with the likes of Spitting Image and Ben Elton doing his laborious, but pointed stand-up. Hale & Pace like slasher horror films of the 1980s is a great example of something that was a critical failure, but a commercial success. Much maligned throughout it's incredibly long run; sometimes justifiably, often unfairly.

A common criticism was "two straight men"; an unwritten rule of comedy being a straight man and a clown a la: Morecambe & Wise and Laurel & Hardy. However, there are many successful comedy double acts with two jokers like Dick & Dom, Trevor & Simon and Vic & Bob. The criticisms of being vulgar are true and often the laughs would be based on someone saying a rude word or a vulgar punchline about bodily functions.

However amongst the throwaway sketches there are some sketches that are as good as anything on any other sketch show at the time: "Yorkshire Airlines", "Piss Off Mr. Chips", "Billy & Johnny" - two kid's TV presenters who hate each other. Weirdly, many comedians who criticised H&P pretty much did the same albeit in a slightly more clever way: Harry Enfield, Lee & Herring, Baddiel & Newman. The mantra being nob gags are OK if there is a literary reference in there.

Another thing people forget is just how good the performances of Hale & Pace are. Both having a gift at regional accents. Norman Pace is a surprisingly good singer, while Gareth Hale often bring a pathos to some of the sketches.

It may have gone for the cheap laugh or have been unecessarily violent and rude, but it represents a time when there was entertainment for the pre and post-pub audience. I will pick the worst of Hale & Pace over the best of Naked Attraction, which is the late night fare du jour.

The Sister of Ursula (1978)

Twisted Sister - Okay Giallo

[6/10 · 9 December 2023]

Sister of Ursula is a bit of an obscurity. It's not a nunsploitation film as the title suggests. It's a twisted giallo with typical themes of Freudian Daddy issues, a killer with black gloves and some gorgeous locations in Amalfi.

It really ups the sleaze factor with full frontal nudity every 10 minutes and some sex scenes. It's actually low on violence apart from the aftermath of dead bodies which are well worth seeing for shock value. The soundtrack is very good, not up there with those by Goblin, Morricone or Riz Ortolani, but memorable enough.

It's not as jumbled plot wise as "In The Folds Of Flesh", but it's also not as exciting as most Giallo. Beyond the cinematography which is easily as good as anything from the luminaries like Bava, Argento and Fulci it's difficult to recommend other than to Giallo fans who want something a bit sleazy without going into the extremes of "New York Ripper" or "Malabimba" territory.

The film was released uncut 18 by Shameless/Argent Films in the UK for DVD and features a nice print.

She Will (2021)

She Did - mediocre and clumsy psychodrama

[6/10 · 3 March 2023]

She Will gained a lot of critical acclaim. It was voted film of the week by Mark Kermode in The Guardian and had largely favourable reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. I think it's mediocre at best.

An ageing actress goes to a remote highland retreat after a double mastectomy with her assistant played by Kota Eberhardt. Weird stuff keeps happening. There's some stuff with crystals which is never explained, sludgy liquid coming out of the earth and Alice Krige has flashbacks.

The film was billed as a feminist witchcraft film. We learn Veronica (Krige) was the victim of sexual abuse as a 13 year old in her early film Navajo Frontier, it's never explained if she did a film since or was simply a childhood actress. Which begs the question why is she still front page news in her golden years. We also see Desi (Kota Eberhardt) have suffer some sexual abuse by a man in a pub. In this scene we learn Veronica is protecting Desi with witchcraft and the man gets drowned in the muddy ground. Veronica sexually abusive director also dies by falling off a set of stairs which is called suicide. The director played by Malcolm McDowell is obviously based on Roman Polanski and possibly Harvey Weinstein. The message could be rapists must die. It's clumsily handled and very unsubtle compared to a film like Darling which has a similar message or even more unsubtle films like Dirty Weekend or A Gun For Jennifer which are more rape and revenge films it seems a bit dull as we've seen it all before.

The film has a lot of atmosphere and a great Clint Mansell soundtrack which sounds like the fairytale music of Danny Elfman with an electronic edge. The film for me isn't clever, intelligent or unique but it is well made.

The Simpsons Meet the Bocellis in Feliz Navidad (2022)

Feliz the Cat - Ok-ish short

[6/10 · 8 February 2023]

I'm a huge Simpsons fan. I have been ever since I first saw an episode around 1991. It's no secret that The Simpsons hasn't been as good as it once was for many years now and "The Simpsons Meet the Bocellis in Feliz Navidad" is no exception.

Set on Christmas Day, the family are opening presents and Homer gets Marge The Bocellis to sing for her as a gift.

This short film feels like an overlong music video. Simpsons fans have seen it all before. Celebrity guests being more important than plot. It's a real embarrassment to the franchise when there's been many memorable guest appearances that have enhanced the plot obvious ones like: Dustin Hoffman, Danny De Vito and Michael Jackson and even in later episodes Peter Frampton and Werner Herzog have added something. Here the Bocellis are wasted - very little in the way of gags or scripting.

There's a joke were Bart is trying to open a present that is obviously a Bike. Hasn't Bart received a bike as a present multiple times now? This would be funny if it was knowingly ironic and back referenced. There's some amusement at seeing Steamboat Itchy, but the meta humour is really played out in The Simpsons. I still love The Simpsons and think this is an okay and quite fun short, but it's nowhere near as entertaining or charming as the Maggie Simpson shorts and it only further highlights that The Simpsons is a shadow of its former self.

Babylon (I) (2022)

Babylon Blue - Very Good, but uneven postmodern mix

[7/10 · 23 January 2023]

Babylon (obvious nod to scandal book Hollywood Babylon) is a very (post)modern take on old Hollywood. Lavished with profanity, many gross-out scenes and occasional moments of beauty. It's an uneven mix of style over substance. This film has all the elements and many great bits, but as a whole it is coherent, but bloated and not as clever as it should be.

Diego Calva play Manuel Torres, a young Spanish man who seems to be a sort of fixer for rich people, from this slow start he becomes a runner on Hollywood films after befriending a drunken Jack Conrad (Brad Pitt) at a party. At the party he meets Nellie LaRoy (Margot Robbie) a young woman from the sticks with big ambition to become a star.

The film is about Hollywood actors not being able to make the transition from Silent film to the Talkies which was a real problem at the time. There's a Pygmallion inspired plot with Nellie LaRoy being taught how to speak proper. This subplot would be more tragic if it wasn't played for laughs. Jack Conrad being Hollywood's hot property and a raging alcoholic; a sort of hybrid of Rudolph Valentino, Douglas Fairbanks and echoing Charlie Chaplin (who famously wasn't as successful in Talkies). It's nice to see Brad Pitt given a chance to test his acting chops with something meaty. Sadly the character is underwritten and always feels a bit one-dimensional, he has a divorce and a marriage within 30 minutes of screen time. When the emotional gut punch arrives, we could spot it a mile off.

Margot Robbie as Nellie LaRoy is one of the multidimensional characters along with Diego Calva as Manny Torres. She's sort of Mildred June, Greta Garbo, Theda Bara and of course Louise Brooks - all of which get referenced. More interestingly I was reminded of recent starlets like Courtney Love and Lindsay Lohan. She's a woman who is possibly a victim of her own actions as well as her upbringing and ultimately we learn she never learns. Diego Calva is Oscar worthy for sure with a surprisingly understated performance amongst many which are deliberately larger than life. A man who fixes other people's mistakes and manages to get recognised for doing it, but ultimately gets dragged down by Nellie.

The film is sort of a patchwork quilt of old and new. As mentioned the deliberately profanity laden script, pop culture references were most characters could be from any era of Hollywood. One highlight was Manny being chased through a series of tunnels in LA's A-hole which was blatantly a reference to Dante's Inferno and possibly the film Irreversible. The real star of the show is the cinematography (a gorgeous palate of browns, reds and burnt oranges) and jazz soundtrack. Even the soundtrack had a modern twist featuring on one track which I suspect used an electronic drum beat. There's also been a recent trend of shock elements in drama and this film has it in spades - a man getting sprayed with elephant dung immediately followed by the last days of Rome party scene: there's a dwarf on a phallic shaped pogo stick spraying white foam into the crowd, a reference to Fatty Arbuckle and a young girl, champagne bottle up the Aris' and later on we have projectile vomiting and some gory scenes. Much like how non-horror films took elements of Slasher films and put them in thrillers we have scenes that wouldn't be out of place in a gross out teen comedy or even a porn film in a mainstream big budget release and I'm not a prude, but you need a strong stomach to get through this one.

I'm a huge fan of films that are "the American dream gone wrong" and I recalled films like Sunset Blvd. And L. A. Confidential both better films. Another meta reference was Manny watching a film in the 1950s, immediately reminding the viewer of Cinema Paradiso (a much better film) and that summed it up. While the film is clever in places and knowing there's not much heart and soul to it. While it is more fun than Silent-era homage "The Artist" it never rises above feeling like its beating the audience over the head with a canapé tray to get the message across rather than being subtle. Quite what the message is supposed to be is open to interpretation: Hollywood is a mean place that will steal your soul, but look at the escapism and artistry on offer.

Let's Celebrake (1938)

Popeye's Saturday Night Fever - Good, but not incredible

[7/10 · 5 January 2023]

This is a rare Popeye cartoon in that he doesn't fight Bluto and they don't compete for needy, damsel in distress, Olive Oyl.

Popeye and Bluto visit Olive Oyl on a horse-drawn sleigh. Olive says they are going for a dance on New Year's Eve. Popeye sees Olive's hard of hearing grandma sat all alone looking miserable and offers to take her dancing. It's bizarre to see Popeye acting charming by helping her with her coat and giving compliments.

The couples go to a dance off. There's a funny scene were Popeye tickles Grandma's chin with a whistle and Bluto looks on with gritted teeth. Grandma can barely move when Popeye tries dancing with her. Luckily a waiter has a can of spinach on a serving tray. Popeye asks her to open wide and drops the spinach into her mouth. You can probably guess what happens next.

It's a very charming, but not one of the best Popeye shorts. It certainly doesn't compare to the colourful glory of "Popeye The Sailor Meets Ali Baba's Forty Thieves" or "Sinbad the Sailor". The dance scenes also take up about half the film and lack the visual flair and Brechtian creativity of Tex Avery cartoons from around this time. It still comes recommended for animation fans.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009 Video)

ZomBeasto - Fun, but not overly impressive adult animation

[6/10 · 3 January 2023]

Following on from two cult hits: House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects, El Superbeasto wasn't the hit Rob Zombie hoped for, but to go from gory horror to adult animation was a bold move. It reminded me a lot of the wacky style of Ren & Stimpy or even Tex Avery cartoons, mixed with meta humour of The Simpsons, South Park and the adult humour of Ralph Bakshi animated films. Let's be honest it's not as good as any of those previously mentioned, but it's not outright bad and in places it is laugh out loud funny.

The film features El Superbeasto who looks like Santo the Mexican wrestler and appears to be some sort of James Bond figure as well as a porn star. Suzi X is his sidekick, a cheerleader type woman who is also an allround martial artist, super spy and sex symbol. Suzi X steals Hitler's reanimated head from a castle. Meanwhile a mad professor in the form of Satan is trying to find a bride. To be honest I lost the plot with this one.

The fun of this film is spotting the references everything from The Munsters,Planet of the Apes, King Kong, Creature From The Black Lagoon, Bride of Frankenstein to Village People's YMCA . The animation is computer generated and looks better than most, if not all TV animations of the the time. It's very bright and very wacky with overexagerrated facial expressions and movements, but it's not necessarily beautiful especially compared to 00s Ghibli.

I had a few big laugh out moments from El Superbeasto, but I'm a big fan of crude, vulgar humour. That said it's less funny than the best episodes of South Park, Beavis & Butthead etc. It has to be said the voice acting and original music are both excellent and elevate the production values beyond that of a late night HBO animated series. It is a fun ride, but didn't really hold my attention even for the short runtime.

On Censorship: The UK DVD has an 18 certificate, but the film was passed uncut at 15, indicating the extras my have pushed it up to an 18. The film is very violent and has a lot of sexual humour albeit played for laughs. The film is fairly easy to get hold and as you would expect from a newish film both the DVD and BR have a superb print and 5.1 sound.

Satanis: The Devil's Mass (1970)

LaVeyathan - OK Documentary

[6/10 · 3 January 2023]

Anton LaVey is arguably a misunderstood figure. Circus ringmaster to opening his own Church of Satan is an odd career move. To this day he still remains a fascinating and controversial figure. Extolling the virtues of individualism, sexual freedom and personal liberty are surprisingly modern values which are now pushed by the mainstream media. At the time he was overshadowed by the "satanic panic" media outrage that swept America.

There's no doubt in my mind LaVey is an intelligent man who has the charisma and big showbiz personality to attract disciples to his cause. Sadly the documentary is workmanlike in its approach and thoroughly boring. The satanic rituals nothing more than costume roleplay; that's not to belittle the people involved it's just not interesting to watch. The talking heads interviews with local residents talking about the Church of Satan failed to hold my interest for more than 30 seconds. The nudity and just general weirdness were not really any more explicit than exploitation films available in 1970. I gave this a few extra points due to it capturing some rare footage of LaVey and although not media-shy he wasn't around during the tsunami of social media we have now.

The DVD from Something Weird is rough. The picture quality is never going to look like The Omen, but scratches, grain and washed-out picture quality are substandard. The sound is also quite low making me having to bump it up.

Play for Today: Scully's New Year's Eve (1978) Season 8, Episode 11

New Year Mersey Blues - Excellent Rarely Seen TV Comedy Drama

[8/10 · 18 December 2022]

I've watched a slew of arguably bad Euro-Horror and dull Arthouse drama this month and it's so refreshing to watch something which can tell a carefully crafted story in 70 minutes with the emphasis on good scripting, acting and characterisation rather than special effects, gore and ambiguity.

Scully's New Year's Eve is about a seemingly dull NYE party taking in a place in a modest working class home in Liverpool. We are introduced to Scully a 16 year old boy who wants to go to a "real party" with his dim-witted mate, Mooey. Scully's older brothers would be classed as Man-Children; Henry who hides in the loft playing with an electric train set and Tony who ignores his girlfriend to watch a TV broadcast of High Noon (this is before most people had a VHS players in their homes). For me the two stand out performances were Jane Freeman as the lady of the house and John Junkin as Jack; a father of a disabled child with an overbearing wife who keeps him under the thumb - being a comedian he brings a sadness to the role - "I'm 48, I'm a big boy and I want to run away from home again". A surprise appearance by Mick Miller who cracks jokes and says he is a comedian in clubs, but often dies - one of many ironic jokes. The main irony of the play being the pathos of adult characters who act like children.

The scenario is one anyone can relate to. Anyone who has had to put up with relatives they don't like, anyone who has been a teenager and felt trapped under their parent's supervision, anyone who feels they should be having fun at a party, but felt miserable.

The film was successful enough to have a spin-off TV series commissioned called Scully. Sadly, Scully's New Year's Eve isn't as widely available and is rarely repeated on TV or streaming services possibly partly due to music clearance. It is excellent and shows what a good script and acting can achieve while still being surprising and profound. It's also a real shame that most dramas the BBC puts out now are either historical dramas, crime or dramedys (that are neither funny or dramatic) rather than slice of life dramas with relatable characters and scenarios. It's also better than Abigail's Party which it suffers comparisons to.

Unholy Ground (2016)

Unholiest Of Holies - Dull Hardgore Horror

[5/10 · 8 December 2022]

Unholy Ground is a bizarre one. The merging of gory horror and pornography is nothing new. Anybody who has seen Porno Holocaust or Texas Vibrator Massacre can attest to that, but those films are nowhere near as dialogue heavy and while all three are sincere, Unholy Ground seems serious.

To be honest I missed the finer point of the plot. In an unnamed Austrian village the townsfolk are struck down by what appears to be the plague and some of the villagers summon the devil in a ritual.

The film is not sex heavy with not much other than a bit of topless nudity happening for 20 minutes. The sex on offer is hardcore with explicit oral sex, penetration and money shots. We've seen it all before in La Bête (1979) and the masturbating with a crucificx would be shocking if it wasn't done better in The Exorcist and the uncut version of The Devils.

The gore on offer is also very graphic with tongues being ripped out, skin peeling and heads being chopped off. Definitely wouldn't be out of place in the slew of straight to video horror put out in the last decade.

The acting is straight out of a LARPING or amateur dramatics society. Despite German not being my native language you can tell it is straight up bad for the most part; coupled with a dry script it makes the dialogue scenes a chore to sit through, but I suspect most viewers will fast forward them. This film would have been shocking about 40 years ago, but with mainstream films featuring explicit sex and a ton of much more disturbing and equally gory horror films like The Terriffier coming out this is a largely tedious, two hour endurance test.

I can't recommend it, but it is a strange curio and gains an extra point for a surprisingly dour ending.

I Cut Your Flesh (2020)

Little Bleeders - Average Documentary

[6/10 · 8 December 2022]

There seems to be a proliferation of BDSM themed documentaries and to be honest I will watch them all.

I Cut Your Flesh starts off with a heavy metal song and has a logo that wouldn't be out of place on a gig poster. The documentary is shot in HD and looks good. Subject wise it features the blood play and cutting style of BDSM. As you would expect there are many graphic shots of knife play including cutting with a scalpel, needles being inserted and piercing (nipple and back). I think this film would struggle to pass at 18 in the UK if it were to be submitted to the BBFC. BDSM films have always been a bit of a bete noire for them with films like The Story Of O Part II and A Caning For Miss Grainger being banned back in the day.

It's a fairly interesting documentary, but it feels more like something you would see on YouTube, if they would allow it. I'm not doubting the talent of the director who has directed many BDSM themed horror films and the passion and willingness of people like Sox to appear on film is admirable. The documentary has limited appeal people in the scene will probably be familiar with most of it and people who are viewing it as an educational piece will probably turn it off quickly. I found it a bit meh.

Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes (1989 TV Movie)

Straight Lamping - Mediocre, but fun B-Movie Horror

[5/10 · 22 November 2022]

No Horror film fan asked for the Amityville sequels, but they became popular on the VHS rental market in the late 80s and early 90s along with rip-offs like House. This is a fun, but very middle-of-the-road horror.

An ugly lamp is given away at an estate sale and spooky stuff happens when it is placed in the new house. The film is carried by good performances from B-Movie veterans especially Patty Duke, Fredric Lehne and Jane Wyatt. They know the film is ridiculous, but they don't do deliberately camp acting or ham it up. For a TV Movie produced for NBC the production values are surprisingly good, certainly no worse than what most late-80s horror B-Movies. With it being made for TV some of the violence is tamer than one would expect. A hand going into a garbage disposal is the most violent, but quite short, there's also a plumber choking to death on goo in the pipes which is surprisingly nasty and a strangulation by electrical cord.

This is a silly, but fun possession movie that evokes The Exorcist (a much better film) and there's even a homage to The Shining with Fredric Lehne as the hero priest almost doing a "Here's Johnny" with an axe on the attic door. I would recommend it for fans of the genre who want a few laughs. The ending is also one of the most schlocky I've seen for a while.

Run, Virgin, Run (1970)

Virgin On The Ridiculous - OK Teutonic Sex Comedy

[5/10 · 20 November 2022]

There was a large number of these sex comedies produced in the 70s, the worst of the bunch was undoubtedly the British Sex Comedies. The best was arguably the Italian ones. The German ones are in the middle of being silly, but fun.

In a quaint German Village a group of Frauleins have a high fertility rate attributed to a German wind called "Faun" that sweeps through the village or could it be down to a randy blacksmith? The plot is very strange and had it not been so over the top it could easily be boring and annoying. The film is light-hearted and has some good farcical jokes like a naked man hiding in a barrel. I saw the dubbed version which has a ridiculous voiceover which adds to the fun. The film is difficult to hate and it's a fun ride, but as far as films go despite some nice countryside photography and a reasonable amount of nudity on display it's just another sex comedy.

The Blu-Ray from Cinestrange Extreme has a nice print from the master, but some soft colours and archive damage. At present it is as good as it gets.

Kiss of the Damned (2012)

Pain In The Neck - OK Sexy Vampire Film

[6/10 · 24 October 2022]

Kiss of the Damned wears its influences on its sleeve from sexy Jess Franco vampire films to Gothic Hammer Horror.

There's just something a bit soulless and boring about Kiss of the Vampire. It tries hard to be sexy and occasionally succeeds, but there's no real build-up to these scenes and it's nowhere near as sleazy as the 70s Euro horror films. The gore scenes while bloody are also uninspiring.

Vampire films seem to be either trying to be sexy (like Interview with a vampire, True Blood TV series, Vamp) or funny (Lesbian Vampire Killers).

To its credit Kiss of the Vampire has some stunning cinematography, nice locations and some very good acting. It just feels like I've seen it all before and done better.

The British Comedy Awards 1993 (1993 TV Special)

Comedy Gold - One of the most memorable

[8/10 · 23 October 2022]

This is the infamous episode that lead to many complaints over Julian Clary's Norman Lamont joke.

This is an eye opener watching this back in 2022. The most bizarre presenter of an award is Hulk Hogan who says he is doing a single which is a cover of the Gary Glitter song "I'm the leader of the gang" - oh dear. Jokes about Prince Andrew as well, possibly referring to his break-up with Sarah Ferguson, but I'm not sure of the context.

As you would expect many comedians featured are no longer with us: Dennis Norden, Rik Mayall, Ken Dodd and a few have since more or less retired like Tony Slattery.

The speeches are very short often less than five minutes, with very little trash talk. It's actually civilised. Rik Mayall is given one for his Rik Mayall Presents. He's charming and funny, but you feel a bit short changed, same goes for Jennifer Saunders.

Britt Ekland presents an award and Jonathan Ross mentions her nude scene in Wicker Man; the film was relatively obscure then. Oddly enough Noel Edmonds laughs, who would have thought he has great taste in films?

Most interesting is seeing people who had a meteoric rise to fame about five years later. Chris Evans was presenting the Big Breakfast and would score a megahit with music and chat show TFI Friday a few years later as well as his Radio 1 breakfast show. Steve Coogan seems shy when giving a speech, but went on massive things. Richard Curtis won a writer's award and says he hasn't written anything for nine months, he scored one of the highest grossing British films of all time with Four Weddings about a year later.

Michael Barrymore wins two awards and would score even more at future comedy awards show. He had a catastrophic decline nobody could have predicted. Here he was at the height of his fame.

Highlights include Vic and Bob's speech were it goes down like a lead balloon. I've no idea why, but this was before Shooting Stars. The biggest highlight is Julian Clary absolutely smashing it with one liners and seeing Mark Lamar's and Martin Clunes' laughing to the point of tears is comedy gold.

Piggy (2022)

Making Bacon - Very Good

[7/10 · 23 October 2022]

I watched this as part of my ménage a un Shocktober season of horror films. Based on the description I thought this would be another rip-off of Carrie, but it far exceeded my expectations.

Overweight, teenage butcher and hunter, Sara (played by Laura Galán) is bullied by her seemingly more attractive and popular classmates. She is nicknamed Piggy. After a chance encounter with an almost mute maleweirdo at the swimming pool her classmates start to go missing.

This isn't a film for the ages like Halloween or Dawn of the Dead. It is a violent slasher film bordering on the torture porn subgenre of films like Wolf Creek and Calvaire (The Ordeal). The film captures the mentality of small town gossip. The film is helped immensely by some effective cinematography that captures the Spanish countryside and convincing acting. Laura Galán could be one to watch for the future, but how many times have we said that? Jamie Bell, anyone?

Well worth a watch as a shocking, effective horror, but doesn't innovate.

Steel and Lace (1990)

Woman Of Steel - Mediocre

[5/10 · 6 October 2022]

Coming hot off the heels of The Terminator and RoboCop. Steel and Lace is another B-Grade cyborg film. This time with a twist it is a female killer getting revenge on yuppie rapists.

The plot is ridiculous, but at least it is original. Clare Wren puts in a great and surprisingly nasty performance. Mainly B-Movie veteran David Naughton is also class. Drawing influence from slasher films there are some gory deaths, but nothing you haven't seen before.

This film is hampered by its budget. Sparse uninspiring sets, dodgy special effects and boring action scenes. The real letdown is an insipid script with workman like dialogue that just drives the plot forward. There's no pizzazz or sparkle like in a Walter Hill script.

The unfortunate thing is I have seen elements of the same thing done better elsewhere. In Hong Kong action cinema you have B-Movie, Black Cat (1991) about a cyborg female assassin while not a masterpiece it delivers on action or the delerious and sexy, Robotrix. Loads of much better Rape & Revenge films Ms. 45, A Gun For Jennifer, even Dirty Weekend is more fun.

The Blu-ray has a slightly subdued colour palette, but is as good as it gets. Also gains a point for great cover art.

Evil Toons (1992)

Puny Toons - Utter Rubbish

[2/10 · 6 October 2022]

Fred Olen Ray hasn't directed any films that even genre fans would regard as great, but this is undoubtedly one of his worst. For the record I do appreciate bad films like those by Troma, but this is just cack.

A group of sexy babes clean a creepy old house. After finding an old book they accidentally summon some demons, in a similar style to Evil Dead.

The cartoon demons are crudely animated. Trust me this isn't Who Framed Roger Rabbit? They are mainly wolf creatures who perv at the scantily clad cleaners. This gave me a laugh, but the only one in the film. David Carradine elevates this film, but he's not given much to do.

I paid £1 for the VHS over 20 years ago and even then I felt ripped off. It's a corny haunted house movie with a few minutes of bad animation. There's some nudity, but most 18 rated films of the 90s had some T&A Don't waste your time with this D-Grade trash.

Hickey & Boggs (1972)

On the Bogg - Very Good, but also-ran 70s crime

[7/10 · 10 September 2022]

Walter Hill wrote a string of excellent crime films in the 70s: The Getaway, The Warriors and The Driver. Hickey & Boggs is the weakest of the bunch, but it's still a very good film.

It was directed by Robert Culp who also plays the co-starring lead. Direction wise it is very good, but workman like. It is helped immensely by a great script with snappy dialogue. I can't help, but think if Hill or Peckinpah had directed it that it might have a bit more flair.

Robert Culp lacks the charisma of Clint Eastwood or Steve McQueen. He's a fine actor though and is physically imposing even next to Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby plays it straight, no jokes, no silly laugh; just a tough guy role. The role lacks something that Eddie Murphy brought to 48Hrs, maybe just humour. This pre-dated the buddy cop style of film by a decade though, which has been the blueprint ever since.

Bill Cosby's private life has since buried this film like a suitcase of stolen money. I think if you can look beyond that it is a very good film with some great stunts, sharp dialogue and action scenes. Like all 70s films it also has cops who look like real people rather than male models and criminals who are genuinely nasty rather than corny pantomime gangsters.

The Blu-Ray from Kino Lorber has a superb print, but only 2.0 sound. It's sadly difficult to find.

Deadly Games (1989)

Nightmare Before Christmas - Entertaining Home Invasion film

[7/10 · 3 September 2022]

36.15 code Père Noël has become more famous in recent years for the similarities to Home Alone; so much so that director and writer, René Manzor threatened plagiarism. Both films feature a smart, middle/upper class kid alone in a house of traps stalked by a crazy lunatic. In 36.15 it is an unhinged store Santa who is armed with a cake knife. In Home Alone, two bumbling house burglars known as the Sticky Bandits.

36.15 code Père Noël starts off appearing like a family friendly film with our protagonist dressed as Rambo and talking to his Grandpa. What follows are some scenes of shocking violence, not 18 rated slasher standard, but fairly bloody. The Santa is surprisingly menacing and with the use of some good cinematography and suspense, René Manzor manages to create a fairly scary film which is equal parts horror and thriller.

The film reminded a bit of home invasion films like Funny Games (1997) and killer Santa films like the absurd Silent Night, Deadly Night - it's nowhere near as nasty as those. It's fun seeing the different traps Thomas sets (plastic rubber arrows doused in petrol, a toy grenade). Some people could see it as a dark comedy. It's not a must see and it's not as good as the like of Black Christmas or even Home Alone, but it is well worth a watch.

Death Wish: The Face of Death (1994)

Wishing It Was Nastier - Pretty Good Sequel

[6/10 · 3 August 2022]

Death Wish V is undoubtedly the worst in the series, but it's also much better than many action films of the 90s.

Charles Bronson returns as Paul Kersey for a paycheck. He looks considerably older than he did on the last Death Wish film and is nowhere near as sprightly; that said he still exudes the tough guy persona that made him so famous.

The plot involves Bronson's girlfriend, fashion designer Olivia (the gorgeous Lesley-Anne Down) being threatened by Irish mobster and ex-husband Tommy O'Shea (Michael Parks).

Unlike previous entries the violence is considerably toned down. It's also the first film in the Death Wish franchise to be re-classified as UK 15. There are no doubt some violent death scenes, but it is more in-line with 90s films like True Lies, Batman Returns and Darkman, in that it is more fantastical and more about the spectacle than the gore. This makes it worse for me; it's pretty much what separated it from films like Lethal Weapon in terms of action. There's no rape scenes in this one which is a good thing.

Bronson is still bad ass in this. I thought Parks looked incredibly cool as the bad guy, but he feels a bit like a PG-rated pantomime baddie than a nasty piece of work like The Giggler or Nirvana.

Overall it's a pretty solid popcorn action film and is recommended for fans of the series. Allan A. Goldstein has always been a mediocre B-Movie director, but this is one of his better films and the direction is really solid.

The Charlotte Church Show (2006–2008)

It's Pants Boyo - Rubbish Comedy Chat Show

[3/10 · 4 July 2022]

The Charlotte Church Show was designed to appeal to the post-pub / pre-club crowd of 18-30 year olds. Later on Channel 4 would score a megahit with The Friday Night Project in 2007 and this would get axed a year after. The Charlotte Church Show attracted a lot of negative criticisms much like programmes in the previous slot: The Girlie Show, Something For The Weekend, The 11 O' Clock Show and quite rightly so; it's complete cack.

There are two good points that make this show memorable. The programme showcased a lot of comedians who went onto become household names in the 10s people like: Adam Hills, Michael McIntyre, Lee Mack, Rhod Gilbert and Frankie Boyle. The musical performances which consisted mainly of covers with Charlotte Church providing backing vocals are also excellent and there's no denying Charlotte Church is a great singer. Some of the acts are like a whose who of mid-00s pop acts: Amy Winehouse, The Script, McFly, Sharleen Spiteri, Orson, Beth Rowley and Nelly Furtado. The show is now quite sort off for these two reasons, but it is sadly unavailable on all non-user generated streaming platforms and has no commercial release on DVD or Blu-Ray.

The comedy sketches/skits and some Charlotte Church's banter with guests and the audience is truly cringe; cashing-in on her bad girl image of the early 00s when she was pictured getting drunk and falling out of taxis. Really grown worthy puns about Wales and forced ladette humour which was popular with its predecessors like The Girlie Show. The show ran for a surprising 3 series from 2006-2008 despite negative reviews. There is around 20 hours worth of footage in its entirely, but maybe one hour of it is any good and worth your time. I can't recommend it, but would like to see All4 make it available.

Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)

From Sinbad To Sinworse - OKish, but not recommended

[5/10 · 4 July 2022]

Sinbad of the Seven Seas is an entry in the Sinbad series of films which includes the enjoyable and much better film Golden Voyage of Sinbad. They are knockabout lmfamily friendly action adventure films.

Seven Seas was produced by an Italian company and directed by Enzo Castellari who is better known for his excellent violent crime films and spaghetti westerns. I know he is a talented director, but this film is mediocre at best.

Terrible acting from Lou Ferrigno who looks absolutely jacked, but doesn't bring much charisma to the role. Stefania Girolami Goodwin is good looking and wears skimpy tops as the princess, but it's an underwritten and boring role. John Steiner is however fantastic as Jaffar, the evil wizard. He really hams it up and makes the film much more fun to watch.

The set design is decent with some truly weird setpieces like hot air balloons flying machines like something out of a steampunk novel. The special effects are truly terrible even for 1989, they would even be considered bad for an ABC TV movie.

This film wasn't the success Cannon was hoping for at kick-starting the Sinbad franchise again and it is a low point of both Enzo's and Luigi Cozzi's (the screenwriter) otherwise largely excellent careers.

The film has gone onto obtain a campy cult status. The UK Blu Ray has an absolutely superb print, sadly only 2.0 sound. The zombie having its arm ripped off is intact which raised the film from a PG to a 12 rating. Other than for John Steiner's hilarious acting I can't really recommend it.