harricklomax Reviews

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Required viewing

[8/10 · 1 February 2005]

Reguardless of whether you are a Democrat, Republican, or anything else, and regardless of your opinions of anything, this is a film you need to see. Whether you come away with a totally new perspective or an unchanged one is unimportant. This film is biased, but that's not the point. The point is that this film shows and tells things that no one else does. The film is edited and narrated by a man who has a strong opinion and is trying to make a point, but the clips you are seeing are all real, and you will never see them on CNN on Fox News. It is a true crime that the level of actual information in the national media has dropped to such a low. No one who claims to be an educated American or who feels they have the right to vote should ignore this film. We are given enough "feel good" journalism on TV. It's about time we saw something that is disturbing, raw, and honest, and that asks the tough and important questions that nobody else asks any more. As far as the actual art of the film it's better than most documentaries, not nearly as well crafted as Moore's last effort, "Bowling for Columbine". Still, even now, after the election, I think everyone should watch this movie because there are a lot of facts in it that you will find difficulty getting straight anywhere else.

Invasion of the Neptune Men (1961)

Brought to you by the League of Psychotic Children

[1/10 · 8 December 2004]

This is a really horrible movie. It's low budget and just badly done in every way, but that is overcome by the criminally awful story and the complete lack of acting. The story focuses on a group of nameless and totally annoying children who, apparently, advise the ruling council of Japan on all matters of national security and can go where ever they want at any time. They (and maybe the rest of Japan, but that's never clearly stated) are attacked by a group of mute guys in a big rocket who dress up as huge metallic arrowheads. And then a thin and totally incompetent guy with a fin on his hat shows up and jumps in the air a lot, they fall over, and the world is saved. Oh, before that, there is the longest and least eventful air battle in cinema history.

This made a pretty good episode of MST3K, but even Mike and the Bots found the air battle near the end intolerably tedious. They gave up even trying to make fun of it at some points and just did little skits int he theater. Horrible movie, good MST3K ep. If there's one thing that will turn you against Japan, it's this. "Invasion of the Neptune Men"! Enjoy!

Eegah (1962)

Hey, check it out, there's an oven in the living room!

[1/10 · 8 December 2004]

This would have been an okay sixties monster movie with a decent monster performance by Kiel, who manages to almost pull of scary and nearly pull off sad. However there was one fatal flaw in the making of this film. That flaw was Arch Hall Sr., who co wrote, directed, acted in, and I think produced the movie. I don't know what he was thinking when he put this thing together, but it was demented. First off, the movie is just stupid. The dialogue is horrible, there are big parts that make no sense, very little happens, and the characters are all annoying and retarded. Furthermore, there are lots of really weird voice over problems, like when the three main people walk past the screen and a voice from the sky shouts at extra high volume while no one is speaking, "Watch out for snakes!". Then there's the fact that Arch Hall Sr. cast himself as the father of the girl who gets kidnapped. Maybe she was really his girlfriend in real life or maybe Arch Hall Sr. is just weird, but whatever it was, the two act really bizarre together. First of all, they do a lot of strange, "semi-sexual but in a weird and kind of gross way" things. Also, Arch, as the father, keeps pimping his daughter out to Eegah.

But the WORST thing about this movie is Arch Hall Sr.'s most painful contribution to the film. Arch Hall Jr. All I can say is that Arch Hall Jr. is probably one of the worst actor's I've ever seen, and probably one of the most horrendously ugly people who's ever lived. His face is so creepy it made me shiver ever time he smiled. Of course he was the hero.

The good thing about Eegah? Made a great episode for Mystery Science Theater 3000. The show that makes bad movies good. Watch for the living room with an oven on the wall. Check this one out. But not without MST3K to protect you. It wouldn't be worth the pain.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

"Mike I'm scared." "Of WHAT?"

[8 December 2004]

Okay. This is officially the worst movie ever made. Not because it's poorly done, because there are movies, like "Monster A-Go-Go", that are more poorly conceived, acted, directed, filmed, and edited. But "Manos" stands out because it is so incomprehensibly bad. It is SO bad that it is hard to imagine it was done by accident. It often seems like they film is supposed to be bad, and that the director is actually brilliantly creating a horrible film, because this kind of badness doesn't usually come from apathy or a lack of talent and money. This is worse.

The film is also very icky and very dull. Almost nothing happens (certainly not anything interesting) and if you survive the first ten minutes of driving around the countryside you'll just want everyone in the film to die.

However, because this movie is so brilliantly and incredibly bad, I suggest everyone watch it just to know it. Everyone should see "Citizen Kane" because it is the watermark for all good movies. Everyone should see "Manos" for the same reason. It puts all other bad movies to shame. I do suggest though, that it be watched ONLY as the MST3K version, since the team does a good job riffing the film. Even they seem to be too caught up in the film's reeking badness at times that they are just stunned, but they still do a good job. I also doubt you would find a regular version of this movie, since I doubt anyone would be crazy enough to have one.

Interestingly, the guy who plays the mean, stupid, and totally useless husband wrote, directed, and produced the film, and the guy who plays "The Master" did the art direction. They both failed in all their work. No one in this movie has ever done anything else. Thank God.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

May your road be paved with sausages

[8 December 2004]

Maybe the greatest, and certainly the most underrated, television show in history. The premise is fairly simple once you get used to it. A guy and two robots are on a satellite, and two mad scientists (or a crazy woman, a gorilla, and a guy with his brain in a bowl) torture them by forcing them to watch the worst movies EVER made. For eleven years the people at Best Brains made the 197 worst movies in history some of the funniest you'll ever see. The films are attacked with cheap shots, clever jokes, wise crack imitation's, and obscure references on everything from Frank Zappa to the Soupy Sales show. My favorite episodes are "The Pod People", "Boggy Creek II: and the Legend Continuies", "Mitchell", and of course, "Manos: the Hands of Fate". This is a rare jewel in the vast cesspool that is television, and even though most people will never "get" it, it should be experienced at least once by all. I send out my thanks to Joel, Jim, Trace, Mike, Josh, Mary, Kevin, and all the rest. May you never grow old, may you never die, and may you always eat oatmeal. Thank you.

Extra Terrestrial Visitors (1983)

"It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting."

[2 December 2004]

With the above quote, Dr. Forrester began the MST3K showing of this really awful and really foggy remake of ET. This is film at its worst. A bunch of underdeveloped and unappealing people who behave in totally illogical ways in a heavily contrived plot (if it can be called a plot) are attacked by a really, really, really ridiculous looking monster from space who "isn't really evil", he just kills everyone he meets. The first fifteen minutes of the movie is just a bunch of meaningless, random, unexplained stuff that happens. The rest of the movie is just . . . exactly the same thing but you know who everyone is. The film is dominated by a sickeningly chauvinistic pop singer and the most annoying little boy on the planet. Also, the opening and ending credits feature monsters and actors who never appear in the movie. Always a bad sign. Despite being a really dull and confusing monster movie, the film is saved (almost) by one of the best MST3K riffing sessions every. Personally this is my favorite Mystery Science Theater movie. But to watch it on its own would be a painful experience.

Santa Claus (1959)

Good Old Fashioned Nightmare Fuel!

[1 December 2004]

This is probably one of the ten worst movies I've ever seen. It is not only very long and very boring and very poorly done in every way. It is also exceedingly creepy and not at all charming. Some parts are really disturbing. The maniacal laughing of the wind up reindeer, for instance, or the little dolls that just wander around Santa's super observatory, or his creepy lips on a wall that talk. Just a piece of garbage. The only good thing about this movie is that it appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. They did a great job with hilarious jokes about this movie. Otherwise, don't watch it. And don't show it to kids unless you hate them and want them to cry.