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mage360
Reviews
Gammera the Invincible (1966)
Yet another kaiju movie with unnecessary American scenes inserted...
This movie was in a sci-fi 50-pack a friend of mine got me for Christmas. It is very similar to the first Gozilla movie, and like that movie, has scenes with American actors inserted for no real reason. One interesting thing about the inserted scenes is that there's a Cold War tension portrayed between America and Russia. Like in Godzilla, Gamera is awakened by an atomic explosion and rampages across the world, paying close attention to Tokyo because no big monster movie is complete unless Tokyo bites it. All in all, this is an okay movie. Some of the scenes involving Gamera, particularly the scenes in Toly, are quite spectacular and have special effects that were pretty decent at the time. If you like Japanese giant monster movies, you'll really get a kick out of this one. I give it a 4 out of 10. Had this been the unedited Japanese version that I watched, it probably would've gotten a 5.
Meat Market (2000)
Meat Market: an experiment in what not to do in a zombie movie
This movie sounded too good to be true, and it was. Oh, sweet and merciful Gygax it was! So you got a zombie infestation, a Mexican wrestler, and lesbian vampires with laser guns. AND THE MOVIE STILL REAKS!!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this movie has all the charm of a college movie experiment without all that great college acting. And that $2,000 budget's probably a bit literal with the math there. Most of the action takes place in either college dorms, one single condemned building, someone's basement, and a rock quarry. Yes, there is a bit of lesbian vampire action, but the shear stupid horror of this film doesn't make up. And the main character recites bone stupid poetry at inconvenient times. Now, the makeup job on the zombies is OKAY. It's not that bad. Oh, except for the fact that the SAME EIGHT EXTRAS MAKE UP THE ENTIRETY OF THE ZOMBIE POPULATION!!! This is what Meat Market does to children's shows:
MAGIC JACK: Howdy, Mister Greenjeans! Do you know what today's secret color is?
MR. GREENJEANS: (kills self with hammer)
Yes, Meat Market kills. I cannot convey, yea, even through interpretive dance, how bad this movie is. And to prove that anyone can make a better movie, I'm taking donations so that I can raise the three thousand dollars to make a far superior zombie movie with 98% less suck and 42% more lesbian vampire action. This movie gets a 1.
Robo Vampire (1988)
The... Pain...
This is hands down the worst movie I have seen in my life. It tore at my fragile sanity. Now, I gotta warn you, there's some spoilers in here, if you can call them spoilers. I like to think this movie was filmed in real time and actually happened because something like this can't be written. It defies logic.
So drug dealers get a zombie wrangler to summon zombies, and this "anti-drug agent" tries to hunt them down but dies, or so we're led to believe by the abysmal face paint applied to him. He is brought back to life as an android wearing a suit made of silver oven mitts and wearing a helmet that doesn't fit. If I was brought back as an android that looked like that, I'd empty my clip into myself. But wait! There's more! See, one of the zombies (who inexplicably wears a gorilla mask) is in love with a ghost.
And some other stuff happens. I can't really remember. My brain blocked it out to save me from the horrifically bad imagery. The "zombies" shoot sparklers at the anti-drug agents. Yes, sparklers. I must admit, though, the cover on the DVD makes me laugh a lot. It shows Robocop in a pose that can only be described as lovingly holding the zombie wearing the gorilla mask.