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elroi714
Reviews
Silent Screamplay (2003)
Don't bother.
Watched this movie on Amazon, as it looked like it might be interesting. Their summary states, "Slashes, gashes, sex and surprises abound in this Murder Mystery". Besides, it had a 6.2 rating, so it couldn't be "that bad"- right? Wrong! It was just terrible. Zero suspense, action and talent went into this turkey? The best part? There's not even a conclusion- they want you to watch "Scream Play II"- which, unsurprisingly, only came out on video. Obviously, the 6.2 rating came from the votes from the director and staff. Avoid this one at all costs! It's a snooze-fest.
Critical Nexus (2013)
A critically awful waste of your time.
SPOILER ALERT!!! This movie just plain sucks. It's so bad, I don't even know where to begin! The production values were decent enough- but NOTHING ELSE! When your plot and actors are both terrible, you could have the greatest production and still end up with a flop. The story is sketchy, at best. Some web-cam tramp is trying to find meaning to her life, but has problems, because she is clueless. A guy obsessed with her (for reasons beyond my comprehension) is following her as she treks across the country in search of enlightenment; which will always elude her, for obvious reasons. Sound good? Or does it sound like a bore-fest? It's the latter and you have been warned! Those other "wonderful" reviews? Obviously written by the cast/director. Don't you hate that?
Cheerleader Autopsy (2003)
When your mascot is the Mighty Beaver...
Just what are you expecting from your cheerleaders? If you go into this expecting more than a B-Movie romp, then you're an idiot. Seriously. This movie is what happens when you mix stereotypical rednecks, nubile Beavers and a drunk old man with a hand gun. Yes, something IS going to happen... and it WON'T be pretty! Add in the local mortician with Alzheimer's (who doubles as the sheriff and sells usable corpses off to the local dog-food factory), his college-flunky nephew assistant, who isn't bothered by the thoughts of a bit of necrophilia and the young janitor (who has a back-story all his own) and you have a movie! As his uncle says, "If they don't say "no"... and they usually don't, then consider that a "yes".
SPOILER ALERT!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! The real action starts when the Beavers get ran over by their own bus, leaving one survivor, who is mistakenly sent to the morgue along with the others.
Enter, the assistant's rival for this Beaver- the janitor- who seems to have a secret room of his own in the morgue. Apparently, he gives himself an "upgrade" in the manhood department, thanks to one of the male corpses- and he's ready to swing! Enter, the one surviving Beaver. The horny assistant won't let his uncle kill her for dog-food. The uncle dies in the ensuing fight.
Despite missing part of her face, sporting an arm burnt to a crisp and having two stumps for legs- the young assistant finds her attractive enough for a quickie after he "cleans her up" a bit. And (in true Beaver fashion) she doesn't say, "no".
Afterwards, while cremating his uncle, her body disappears- setting up the confrontation between the assistant and the body-snatching janitor- who's busy trying to "upgrade" her a bit, as well. Who will win? And better yet- WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE ENDING?!?!? The quick end made NO sense and is the downfall of this, otherwise fairly entertaining, flick.
As expected, it's a low-budget flick, but that helps to add some laughs when it comes to the "special" effects. Sound and production are decent enough (not the best sound on the bus), acting performances passable (obviously, no awards handed out here) and the script has some fair sophomoric chuckles- but DEFINITE problems with the continuity. Overall, I think it's worthy of a view for a B-Movie fan who doesn't expect much going in. Not a B-Movie fan? Then why are you even considering watching this? In the meanwhile, I'll continue to look for those hidden diamonds in the rough. This one? A fine chunk of cubic zirconium, which shatters at the end.
The Bride of Frank (1996)
WOW!!! Just unbelievable...
I loved it! But then I like sick things and Frank is definitely disturbed. A low-budget film that delivers a big bang! SPOILER ALERTS!!! Frank is a homeless guy that works in a warehouse in exchange for a place to stay. His co-workers feel for him and decide he needs a gal, so they put a personal ad in the paper. What ensues is some mind-blowing confrontations between Frank and those willing to reply. Frank is a no nonsense guy and knows what he likes- and what he doesn't. Prepare yourself for a trip to NASTYVILLE!!! A very dark comedy with plenty of gratuitous violence, as Frank will not hesitate to rip your head off and crap down your throat if you rub him the wrong way! Will Frank ever find the gal of his dreams? Patience, Frank, patience...
Sharknado (2013)
Instant Cult Classic!
How can a movie become an "instant classic" of any sort? Watch this movie and learn! I didn't watch it the first time it aired- simply because it seemed too ridiculous to bother. However, after seeing how it hit the internet like wildfire after it was shown- I knew I had to give it a view. As a fan of movies that are "so terrible that they are good"- "Sharknado" oddly hit the mark- kind of like those sharks hitting their victims with pin-point accuracy after being flung out of a tornado that just couldn't seem to kill them- it was simply, "amazing"! It's a Science Fiction movie in the sense that you have to suspend ALL belief that anything in this movie could seriously ever happen. This, and the thought they were trying to actually scare you rather than make you laugh! So, if you view this movie while keeping all of this in mind, I suspect you will enjoy a laugh fest that you won't soon forget! I know I didn't!